Please tell me I still have HOPE right? There is HOPE in my situation right? LONGGG post. (wife, father)

[ishe]

Hello. I'm sorry, LONGGG post ahead.. I know everyone time is precious, so please just skip it if you don't have a few minutes to spare. And my apology for the not so good English grammars, English is my third language.
I don't expect anyone to read my long-winded post or reply to it. Sorry my post is sooo longgg.. But if you can help give me advice, I really appreciate it.
And since you here, please help cast a vote on the poll. Thank you.

My mother destroyed me. When I was a child; my mother abused me mentally, verbally, emotionally and physically. But I forgave her, forgave her for everything she did to me in my childhood. After all, she gave birth to me; without her I wouldn't be here in this world.
I left my mother house more than a decade ago. (I left when I was 18. I'm 31 now).
I did break free from my abusive mother. I thought I have left my abusive childhood behind me when I walk out the door that day.

I never had a good relationship with my mom, But she didn't hate me to the point that she would completely cut me off. At least she used to let me drive back to visit my dad, used to let me phone home and talk to my dad see how he doing. I do miss and love my father very much, (the father that never abuse me).
Dad is much older age than mom, and his health right now is not very good. I understand that it my mom that take care of my dad; due to his not good health, and his old age.

I don't care how my mother treats me; as long as she let me phone talk to my dad, and let me visit my dad to see how he doing.. I always feel that I'm a very unfilial daughter. If one day he passed away due to old age, I will forever regrets that I didn't see him often enough when he was still alive.

Things between me and my mom get more worst and worst, to the point of now she has disown me.
When I was 26, I met him---the guy who is now my husband.. After 4 years constantly test his love and patience, I agree to married him. We got married 13 months ago, (got married on Feb 6th, 2015).
My mom disapproved him since day one, disapproved my marriage, insulted me and said alot of hurtful things.
My mom said I make her "Lose face", because I married my husband. Not only make her lose face to family, but also make her lose face to the Chinese community. She feels embarrassed and shameful about me.

Here my mom live in close-knitted Chinese/Asian community, there people have the old-fashioned traditional Chinese culture views on everything.
In the Chinese/Asian community; especially the old generation, they judge me all the times because I married my husband.. My mom keeps said I make her "Lose Face". And said I'm a dirty girl. It hurts so much when she gave birth to me, but then call me dirty.
My mom give me alot of "Pressure", TREMENDOUS Pressure.

No, I'm not going to divorce my husband just so my mom can be happy, just so my mom would welcome me back with open arms. No.
He doesn't deserve his wife to divorce him just because his wife mother discriminate against him.
He treats me really well. He loving and very devoted husband, he very patience and understanding.
He work hard to secure our future. He worries and secure everything from emotionally to financially, so I can live a stable steady and comfy life.. I'm grateful, and I appreciate him alot for everything he do for me and do for our future.

Doesn't matter how well he treats me; my mom just won't accept him, she just so set in her rigid ways,
My mom make it loud and clear that she does not welcome me drive back to visit my dad anymore. She does not welcome me to step foot in to the house to visit see my dad anymore. And Don't ever phone back home to talk to her or ask how my dad doing, she doesn't want anything to do with me.. Yes, she that much ashamed of me.

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Situation between me and my dad:
What further hurts is my dad never stood up for me. Eventhough my dad doesn't bluntly said all the hurtful words like my mom.. But he never defend me; he let my mother freely belittle me, say hurtful words to me. He never care enough to stood up for me, that is no difference as letting me know that he agree with what my mom do. I guess my own father is ashamed of me too.

At my wedding ceremony, both my mom and dad didn't show up. Eventhough my dad doesn't bluntly said it out that he disapproved my marriage like how my mom always rubs it in my face. But he Never congradulate me on my marriage. He Never on my side when my mom insulting me, or when mom insulting my husband.. Maybe deep down inside my dad also mind, he just doesn't want to say it straightout. You know what I mean?

I live one hour drive away. I don't mind drive 1 hour on the freeway to come back home to visit my father. But my mom just make it extremely hard for me.
When I back to visit, I told my mom I won't stay long. I just want a peaceful meal with my dad, so I can talk to him and see how he doing.
I have swallow my own tears while eating on the dinner table.. NEVER once I can have a nice meal with my old father with my mom presence, hearing she belittle/ insulting me.

I did try asked my dad if I can take him out to dinner. But then my mother say NO, and my dad follow my mom and say NO too.. I don't know if my dad scare of my mom, or simply because he doesn't want to go out to eat with me. I have the feelings that he also ashamed of me, he just doesn't bluntly said it out like how my mom does.

Because beside myself make an effort to drive back to visit my dad, Never once my dad make an effort to see me. My dad doesn't even care to phone me, it always me phone him when I miss him.
BOTH of my parents never make an effort to contact me or see me.. I understand that my relationship with my mom is very strain. But why my dad also on her side, and never want to see me?
My dad know my cell phone number, but he never phone me. Why? Is he scare of my mom, or it because he also Ashamed of me?
Why is my dad treats me this way too? I know that my mom is ashamed of me, but why even my own father is ashamed of me? It HURTS so much.

Regarding the situation between me and my father. If you have any advice you can help me on how can I see my father? Is there any hope left between me and my father? Or it is doomed too like the strain relationship with my mom?
Perhaps this is my fate, this lifetime I was not meant to have an immediate blood family.

I have zero family support. I have No family to turn to.. Family here I mean immediate family, my blood family. I'm not an orphan, I Know I have an immediate family, but it like I don't have any.

Lunar New Year is very important to Chinese and Asian. It hurts alot when it Chinese New Year--it suppose to be the time for family to get together. But your own mother doesn't even bother to phone you to say Hi, not even say a single word to you. Doesn't welcome you, doesn't want you to drive back visit your own father. She doesn't want anything to do with you. It HURTS alot.

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Those who were patience enough to read through my thread I posted here in February (last month),
know what ethnicity he is, so no need to say it here again. And his ethnicity is irrelevant.

My parents refused to accept my husband, they just won't accept him at all. Especially my mother she always give me a very very hard time..
My mother strongly disapproved him since the beginging. It just so unfair how she treated him. When I chose to married him; she completely cut me off, she disown me.
She very very unreasonable. She doesn't even care to know his name, let alone his jobs or who he is as a person.. NEVER once she care enough to met him.
She said alot of hurtful words. She discriminate against him and disrespect him when she never met him before, not even once. How fair is that to him?

NEVER once my mom care enough to met him, NEVER once.
I don't know how many more years I have left in this life, or how many more years I have to wait till she care enough to met him.. I don't know if until the day I died, IF I'm able to see my mother change her mind and accept him.

My husband knows all about my mother disapproved him, discriminate against him and disrespect him.
He knows all about my abusive childhood too. He doesn't mind my emotional childhood baggage. He doesn't care that my mother discriminate against him.
He accepted everything about me.. He accepted that this is our situation/circumstances. He face the situation and make the best out of it.

There No hate in his heart, there No resentment.. NEVER once I heard him say a word criticize my mother. NEVER once I heard him say a disrespectful word, a negative word or a bad word about my mother. NEVER once he complain a word about our situation/circumstances.

But then he never complain anyways. I Never heard him complain a word about his life, his jobs or anything life throw at him.. He said complain won't change anything. Don't run away, face the situation and make the best out of it.

The one that complain alot is me.. I just don't have the level-headed and the ridiculously patience level like my husband.
Heck, I'm still yearning for my mother to accept him, when deep down inside I know that she will never accept him. NEVER once she care enough to met him. What make I think she will suddenly change her mind now, and suddenly accept him?

This guy wasted his time and his life to put up with my emotional childhood baggage. Despite I constantly test his love and patience. He still here, still love me; his love still unconditionally.
I guess that still not good enough for my mother, not good enough for her to give one single chance to met him..
I know him since I was 26, I'm 31 now.
And she still doesn't care to met him, not even one time. This is like an indirect slap in his face to let him know how much my mother dislike him and disrespect him.---He human, he have feelings; how can he not mind this? This you agree right?

Past or present, he treats me really well.. He really patience, and really understanding of my abusive childhood. And understanding of my culture.
All he asked me for is promise to communicate with him, talk to him. We will face all the hardship together.. My family disapproval of him, our huge cultural difference, whatever hardship throw at us; he believe we can make it. As long two people loves each others, two people willing to communicate with each others, willing to make the effort to work it out together.

He strongly believe in communication. Talk it out together, and solve the problem together.. He wants me and him--both put in the effort to communicate to each others.
He likes to face the problem, communicate it through and solve it. He strongly against the silent-treatment route.
To him love/marriage go side by side with communication.. Don't rug-sweep problems, face it and work it out together. Don't run away from the piles, it will just build up more and more. I dunno, I guess he the type that big on communication?

From met, to become friends, to dating, to married; it have been peaceful loving. Completely drama-free, zero drama.
Marriage also have been peaceful and loving. Heck, we don't even fight or argue.
Thank you to his patience and effort that hold this marriage stable and peaceful. He ridiculously patience, patience and patience, and still ridiculously patience.
My mother did said she will open her eyes wide and watch my marriage with this guy she disapproved, watch my marriage fail miserably.

I wish my mom can see him for his heart, for who he is as a person instead of his ethnicity. She disapproved him SOLELY because of his skin color.. It just so Unfair to him, seeing how my mother discriminate against him.
I know he ridiculously patience and very level-headed..
BUT I'm sure no guy would be happy when knowing their wife mother unreasonably discriminate against them. You know what I mean? This you agree right?
But somehow this doesn't seem to bother him.. He said he doesn't care for a MIL, he doesn't need a MIL. He doesn't care that my mother discriminate against him.

I have the tendency to self-blame ALOT. I blame myself that I can't give him a MIL, that he doesn't have a MIL. He doesn't have the perfect family with in-laws (MIL) who would accept him and respect him.
It self-blame, self-guilt that I have. That I can't give him a MIL. That I can't give my future children a maternal grandmother..

My mom did specificly said DO NOT ever bring those dirty grandchildren back to visit her. She doesn't want those dirty grandkids in her house.
She also called me dirty, called my future children dirty. According to her words, my future children are equally "Dirty" and shameful just like me--their mom.
My mother said alot of hurtful things. She said when I'm pregnant, don't carry my pregnant stomach back to visit her. Because it will make her Further "Lose Face". And because I'm dirty, and my baby is also dirty.

That is nothing, she said way way more hurtful words than that. My mom sure can said alot of hurtful things. She just hate me so much, and so ashamed of me to the point that she doesn't want anything to do with me.
It just hurts so much.. I have zero family support. I have No family to turn to.

Subconciously I'm still yearning for the day my mother will accept my husband.. I just hope before this life of mine is over, my mother can accept him. Or at least try to, at least give once change to met him.
Give it straight to me; in my situation, do I have any hope?..
Hope that one day my mom will meet him and accept him? Eventhough NEVER once my mother bother enough to meet my husband.. But there still hope.
But there still hope..
There still hope for that one beautiful day where she will change her mind and meet him.
There still hope for that one day my husband will have a MIL.
There still hope for that one day my future children will have a "Maternal" grandma.
There still hope for that one day my mother will no longer ashamed of me, no longer ashamed of my marriage.
There still hope for that one day I will have a mother who will love me unconditionally like how other people mother love them.
There still hope right? Please please tell me there still hope.

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I have been in therapy since last year, (July 2015) to get help with my childhood baggage. I went to an Asian therapist that speak my native languages.
The therapy does help, but not completely. Somehow deep down inside me I still wish that one day my mother will accept my husband. One day I will have a mother that love me instead of think I'm shameful and dirty.

I thought going to an Asian therapist would be more fit, because she familiar with my culture. She grow up in that culture she probably can related more, and have a better understading to what I'm struggling with internally. I do have alot of internal conflicts inside myself.
But now I'm not so sure if an Asian therapist can help fix me. Maybe I need a 'western' therapist with the western approach, would a 'western' therapist be better in my situation?
I know there different types of therapy and therapist. Does anyone here have experience with therapy can help me; do you have a certain type of therapy that you can recommend me find, based on my situation/problems?

[fluffythewondercat]

Originally Posted by ishe

Give it straight to me; in my situation, do I have any hope?..
Hope that one day my mom will meet him and accept him? Eventhough NEVER once my mother bother enough to meet my husband.. But there still hope.
But there still hope..
There still hope for that one beautiful day where she will change her mind and meet him.
There still hope for that one day my husband will have a MIL.
There still hope for that one day my future children will have a "Maternal" grandma.
There still hope for that one day my mother will no longer ashamed of me, no longer ashamed of my marriage.
There still hope for that one day I will have a mother who will love me unconditionally like how other people mother love them.
There still hope right? Please please tell me there still hope.

I can't tell you what you know isn't true.

Your mother is a monster. Your father is a coward who threw you away to appease the monster. He chose his own comfort over his responsibility to you. And you love this man?

You can't lose your birth family because you have no birth family.

Your mother will not magically become the loving mother you want. She enjoys making you miserable. Every tear you shed is like nectar to her. When you beg for access to your father, she gets a thrill out of denying you. She thrives on power. She's sick and the nicest thing you could do for your husband is to make sure she never comes into contact with him.

Your only chance for a good life is to cut your parents off completely. But first you're going to have to get angry and stop thinking you've brought "shame" to your family. That's just another manipulative tactic designed to keep you in misery.

[Inkpoe]

Originally Posted by ishe

Regarding the situation between me and my father. If you have any advice you can help me on how can I see my father? Is there any hope left between me and my father. Or it is doomed too like the strain relationship with my mom?
Perhaps this is my fate, this lifetime I was not meant to have an immediate blood family.

Your father is a package deal, you can't have him without your mother. Just because he wasn't harsh with you does NOT mean he is or was a loving father. He puts zero effort into your "relationship". Accept that this is his choice. Your efforts are hurting only you.

Subconciously I'm still yearning for the day my mother will accept my husband.. I just hope before this life of mine is over, my mother can accept him. Or at least try to, at least give once change to met him.
Give it straight to me; in my situation, do I have any hope?..
Hope that one day my mom will meet him and accept him? Eventhough NEVER once my mother bother enough to meet my husband.. But there still hope.
But there still hope..
There still hope for that one beautiful day where she will change her mind and meet him.
There still hope for that one day my husband will have a MIL.
There still hope for that one day my future children will have a "Maternal" grandma.
There still hope for that one day my mother will no longer ashamed of me, no longer ashamed of my marriage.
There still hope for that one day I will have a mother who will love me unconditionally like how other people mother love them.
There still hope right? Please please tell me there still hope.

Hope is nice.

Except you can't wait and put your life on hold for your hope that your mom will morph into a different person and suddenly become a loving, accepting and kind mother. That's just delusional.

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I have been in therapy since last year, (July 2015) to get help with my childhood baggage. I went to an Asian therapist that speak my native languages.
The therapy does help, but not completely. Somehow deep down inside me I still wish that one day my mother will accept my husband. One day I will have a mother that love me instead of think I'm shameful and dirty.

I thought going to an Asian therapist would be more fit, because she familiar with my culture. She grow up in that culture she probably can related more, and have a better understading to what I'm struggling with internally. I do have alot of internal conflicts inside myself.
But now I'm not so sure if an Asian therapist can help fix me. Maybe I need a 'western' therapist with the western approach, would a 'western' therapist be better in my situation?
I know there different types of therapy and therapist. Does anyone here have experience with therapy can help me; do you have a certain type of therapy that you can recommend me find, based on my situation/problems?

While there may be a question of the quality of your therapist, you're clearly not really ready to deal with this. You just rather ruminate and hold onto a fantasy because it's easier.

Already you've approached therapy wrong. Only YOU can fix yourself. The therapist is there to guide your journey with a few prompts.

One who's familiar with the culture and/or language will help immensely, but you do have to find the right person to work with.

[Gfab1]

Yes, it's certain that you do need more therapy; I mentioned this to you in your prior thread iirc. If your current Asian therapist isn't helping you enough, try a Western one. What do you have to lose? This situation clearly (and understandably) torments you, and you need to find a counselor to help you accept this parental rejection. I'm not sure what exact "type" of couselor to find, possibly a psychologist that treats battered women or an experienced family therapist.

You need to find a way to come to terms with the fact that your mother is a cruel and unreasonable woman, and that your father is OK with her abusive behavior towards you. I can imagine how hard it is to accept this kind of rejection, but you need to realize that it isn't going to change. It sounds as though you are dissatisfied with your current counselor, so you need to make the effort to try another one who may be a better fit.

I recommend researching family therapists on the internet and finding one near you to try. See if you can find online recommendations from former or current clients. Also research books on coping with dysfunctional family relationships, I know that there are many if them- perhaps another poster here on City-Data will know of some specific titles to recommend.

Do this for yourself, Ishe. These issues aren't going to go away by themselves, as I think you know. Search for the right therapist, she is out there. I'm wishing you the best in getting the help you need.

[jayolm]

I'm so proud of you for seeking help by seeing a therapist, for staying a positive and good person, and for not letting your difficult upbringing affect your chances of a happy marriage and finding a good husband. You have done so well! You should be proud of yourself.

Unfortunately I would not have any hope in your mother changing her mind. People usually don't change, especially when they are older like your mother. Don't worry about how she sees you or your husband and future children. They are your family now, they should be the ones for you to seek acceptance from, not your parents. However, I think you need to forgive your mom and your dad for their behaviors, because it will kill you inside if you build up resentment and anger towards them. However, never try and change your parents behaviors, or their minds. There is no hope for them. And that's ok, because not everyone's parents can be good, life unfortunately is not fair. Don't dwell on them, forget them, and concentrate on your own family now. If you can forgive your parents while at same time forget them and concentrate on your own family, you will find happiness. I wish you all the luck in the world .

[BirdieBelle]

Dear Ishe, I read something once that has helped me a lot.

I believe that we are all victims of victims, and they could not possibly have taught us anything that they themselves did not know.

Your parents are who they are because of how THEY were raised and their thought processes, and they are not going to change. But knowing what you know now, and with the support of a caring husband, you can overcome this. You most likely will not get the love and support from your parents that we all crave, but you can learn to be your own advocate and release yourself from this guilt.

[willow wind]

Ishe- you are not broken . You don't need to be fixed. What you are is stuck. You're stuck in a dream world. In that dream world your parents will change and become loving toward you and accept your husband.

That is a dream because it will not happen. To not be get stuck you have to move beyond your fantasy and move into reality. The reality is that your parents will not change. You have to try to move to accept that fact.

While an ethnic therapist will understand the culture that created your parents, the therapist also has to present the real world to you. In that real world you have to disconnect from your parents. Rather than hanging on, you have to let go of them. Your future is with your husband.

[LiaLia]

Originally Posted by ishe

The one that complain alot is me..


Subconciously I'm still yearning for the day my mother will accept my husband.. I just hope before this life of mine is over, my mother can accept him. Or at least try to, at least give once change to met him.
Give it straight to me; in my situation, do I have any hope?..
Hope that one day my mom will meet him and accept him? Eventhough NEVER once my mother bother enough to meet my husband.. But there still hope.
But there still hope..
There still hope for that one beautiful day where she will change her mind and meet him.
There still hope for that one day my husband will have a MIL.
There still hope for that one day my future children will have a "Maternal" grandma.
There still hope for that one day my mother will no longer ashamed of me, no longer ashamed of my marriage.
There still hope for that one day I will have a mother who will love me unconditionally like how other people mother love them.
There still hope right? Please please tell me there still hope.

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You said give it to you straight so here it is:

"Since I gave up hope I feel much better."

It's an old saying but it means a lot. Hope can be a wonderful thing but for right now maybe realistic expectations would work more for you than hope would.

[bpollen]

Your mother has mental issues. Accept it. Then walk away. You cannot solve someone else's mental issues.

Your father was abusive in not intervening in your abuse. Accept that. Quit making excuses for him. He is an enabler and is as much to blame as your mother.

Hug yourself and look in the mirror. That person you are hugging is the only person you can really count on in this world. Do what is best for YOU. Leave dysfunctional and messed up people behind.

You are an adult now. Stop trying to force people to be what you wanted them to be in your childhood. We are not all blessed with wonderful parents. There are many people in your shoes.

You can't make your mother like your husband or treat you respectfully. She's messed up. Accept that.

You are lucky to have a husband who loves you and whom you love. Go forward with your life and count your blessings. Don't saddle yourself with the baggage of messed up people. They will only mess up you and your life.

If your mother wants to call and be positive, fine. If she doesn't, fine. If you cut off all communications with them, that's fine, too. All your decisions should be what is best for YOU. Learn that you deserve happiness and to be surrounded by positive people who care for you.

[cheryjohns]

Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat

I can't tell you what you know isn't true.

Your mother is a monster. Your father is a coward who threw you away to appease the monster. He chose his own comfort over his responsibility to you. And you love this man?

You can't lose your birth family because you have no birth family.

Your mother will not magically become the loving mother you want. She enjoys making you miserable. Every tear you shed is like nectar to her. When you beg for access to your father, she gets a thrill out of denying you. She thrives on power. She's sick and the nicest thing you could do for your husband is to make sure she never comes into contact with him.

Your only chance for a good life is to cut your parents off completely. But first you're going to have to get angry and stop thinking you've brought "shame" to your family. That's just another manipulative tactic designed to keep you in misery.

Originally Posted by willow wind

Ishe- you are not broken . You don't need to be fixed. What you are is stuck. You're stuck in a dream world. In that dream world your parents will change and become loving toward you and accept your husband.

That is a dream because it will not happen. To not be get stuck you have to move beyond your fantasy and move into reality. The reality is that your parents will not change. You have to try to move to accept that fact.

While an ethnic therapist will understand the culture that created your parents, the therapist also has to present the real world to you. In that real world you have to disconnect from your parents. Rather than hanging on, you have to let go of them. Your future is with your husband.

Print out and read daily the above two posts.

Be thankful that you have found a wonderful husband. Stop testing him and complaining. He is your future, not the horrible person who gave birth to you (cats give birth daily - it doesn't mean one will be Mother of the Year) nor the man who impregnated her. I say that about your father, because he apparently has no interest in being your father. Breaking away from them and concentrating on living a good life will be the best thing for you.