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When I meet with a group of friends, I give the guys handshakes and either wave or hug the females. Do women be offended that they aren't treated like the guys? The other guys in the group hug or wave at the females too, and don't handshake.
I’m pretty sure, that I’ve never shaken hands with a woman, I’m wracking my brain to try and recall if a woman has extended her hand first, but I can’t bring an incident to mind.
With guys it’s easy, whether I’ve known them for years, or just been introduced, it’s a handshake straight off the bat.
With women, friends and family I’ll just lean in, to my left, and touch cheeks, my right to their right, then switch and repeat on the other side, no lip contact, if I haven't seen them in a long time, it’s two each side.
With women that I’ve just been introduced to, I make a very, very, light feint forward and to the left, if they don’t move, they get an air kiss too, no lip contact, one side only.
If they look even remotely like they’re thinking “Jeez, what’s this guy going to do?”, I stop in my tracks, raise my right hand, and say, “Pleased to meet you, how are you?”
On occasion, I’ve air-kissed women, who’ve then looked a tad surprised, and I’ve heard my wife say, “He’s harmless, it’s just his bit of French blood, ignore him.”
The responses here are . I wasn't always a hugger because my immediate family wasn't overly affectionate growing up. It was actually my friends that warmed me up to it, and I am grateful for it. I can still be kinda "touch and go" (no pun intended) and moody, but I often have to stop myself from hurling my open arms at certain people because I don't know how they feel about physical affection. And that's what it boils down to (for me anyway) - a display of affection. One of my friends used to squeeze the CRAP out of me and I wanted to tell her to ease up, but once I framed it as, "She just really, really loves me," I made peace with her death grip. Life is too short (for me) to be offended by a love gesture. Speaking of which...I think half the problem is America sexualized physical touch too much and people subconsciously think it's inappropriate because they believe hugs and kisses are the domain of intimate partners first, and then family. Which is too bad. I sometimes ask before I go for a hug, but most people are probably not going to tell you they don't want to hug you. They'll just struggle through it. I always feel awful when people give me "fake" hugs. but it's not gonna stop me! I'm always thinking long term. It could be the last time I see you, and I want the memory to be good/you to know that I care about you.
The lack of love is (literally) killing this country. I'm here to spread it! There was a study done decades ago where there were two groups of babies: those that were isolated from human interaction and those that received love and affection. I'm sure I don't have to tell you which group the babies that died came from.
I'm all for spreading affection, when indeed, there IS affection.
Between me and a stranger...there is no affection. And I don't like that level of familiarity with strangers. I suppose there are times and places, where it seems more 'friendly'...like...a music festival, or I've got one or 2 drinks in me...but honestly...with regards to strangers, a handshake will break the ice just as nicely...to me.
I've been on the receiving end more than once, of innapropriate touching, and it puts me 'on guard' when meeting new people. Mostly new men. I will be quick to stick my hand out for a handshake, and a "it's nice to meet you" with a warm smile. But I don't want to hug.
I'm all for spreading affection, when indeed, there IS affection.
Between me and a stranger...there is no affection. And I don't like that level of familiarity with strangers. I suppose there are times and places, where it seems more 'friendly'...like...a music festival, or I've got one or 2 drinks in me...but honestly...with regards to strangers, a handshake will break the ice just as nicely...to me.
I've been on the receiving end more than once, of innapropriate touching, and it puts me 'on guard' when meeting new people. Mostly new men. I will be quick to stick my hand out for a handshake, and a "it's nice to meet you" with a warm smile. But I don't want to hug.
This happened to me once on a job. I was moving on, and the person shot their hand out REALLY FAST. I knew what it meant, but I responded, "No hug?" Of course an awkward hug ensued. I knew better and I should have taken the hint (plus, this person was not the warmest person around) but I am not shaking your hand like I haven't been working with you over the past year or so. You are gonna get this hug, darn it!
I also come from a culture where greeting/leaving people with hugs is normal. With me it depends. I met someone in a laundromat last month and we chatted it up. She hugged me upon leaving, and it didn't feel strange at all. But we also share the same cultural background and she is an "elder", so there's that. I just think Americans on the whole are a stuffy, unemotional bunch. Well, at least the ones with European heritage. And I don't mean that in an offensive way. It's funny how I always feel at home when I'm in the Caribbean, moreso than in America. Background matters. It's a shame something so simple is fraught with so much anxiety, but hilarious nonetheless.
This happened to me once on a job. I was moving on, and the person shot their hand out REALLY FAST. I knew what it meant, but I responded, "No hug?" Of course an awkward hug ensued. I knew better and I should have taken the hint (plus, this person was not the warmest person around) but I am not shaking your hand like I haven't been working with you over the past year or so. You are gonna get this hug, darn it!
Forcing hugs on people like above - absolutely ridiculous and repugnant.
Oh please. She was being absolutely ridiculous and I wasn't going to entertain her nonsense. She could have told me "no". She didn't. I don't believe in imposing myself on anyone but an innocent hug hurts no one. Human beings need love. Personally, I think the inability to be loving in "safe" relationships with friends and family is the reason people don't know how to be good boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands and wives. It all stems from your family of origin...but that's a whooooole 'nother topic.
Oh please. She was being absolutely ridiculous and I wasn't going to entertain her nonsense. She could have told me "no". She didn't. I don't believe in imposing myself on anyone but an innocent hug hurts no one. Human beings need love. Personally, I think the inability to be loving in "safe" relationships with friends and family is the reason people don't know how to be good boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands and wives. It all stems from your family of origin...but that's a whooooole 'nother topic.
A person you know to be not-very-warm offered to give you a goodbye handshake, so you made it awkward for her by requesting a hug instead, making her obligated to give you an awkward hug to be polite. You say she could have said "no," but then it would have made her look unfriendly and upped the awkwardness. You're putting the burden to be polite on her instead of just being polite yourself. How is it not hurting someone to make them do something they don't want to do and aren't comfortable with?
It's weird that you think you're entitled to a hug from someone who doesn't want to give you one merely because you worked with them for a year.
I don't think I'm "entitled" to anything. You extend handshakes to strangers. I am not a stranger, and I thought it was rude to offer a handshake to a departing employee who has worked with you. I'll admit that in this particular situation, I was amused at the thought of this "cold" person being made to feel awkward by something as benign as a hug. Maybe if she was hugged more, she wouldn't be the type of person she is (I didn't have a problem with her but most hated her...for good reason.). Quite frankly, I'm shocked at the responses here. I think a lot of the anti-huggers are "weird", but you're not me and I'm not you. As I said...I gave her an out. She could have told me she didn't want to do it. There's nothing "polite" about misleading someone. I'm pretty much a "what you see is what you get" person, and I naively assume others are the same...until they show me otherwise. Lying...whether you call it "polite" or whatever, is what's hurtful. I once called someone by a nickname that for me, was a term of endearment. I asked the person if they minded me calling them that, because I realized they might not think it was cute just because I did. They told me they didn't mind. I found out later that they didn't like being called that and I immediately stopped. And it changed the way I viewed that person from that point forward. I went out of my way to make sure they were okay with the name, and they lied to me. That's not being polite. That's being cowardly, and I won't own anyone else's cowardice. We are all adults. If you don't like being hugged, tell someone. If a person asks you for a hug, say "no" if you don't want it. At least they know where you stand. You're only trying to preserve your own feelings/sense of discomfort by being "polite."
I like to know who people are so I don't waste my time. But don't worry, BlueFebruary. I will wave from a safe distance if we ever meet, and I'll try to contain my smile.
"I'm not crazy about being hugged by non-nuclear family members but I usually just grin and bear it and hang on as loosely as possible, hoping the person will get the hint.
It only lasts for a few seconds anyway.
I just close my eyes and think of the Queen."
_______________
This is so true and I love the last line of the post, except I can think of lots of people I'd be uncomfortable hugging rather than Queen Elizabeth!
I was just invited to a church that expects everyone to hug and perhaps even kiss during the "meet and greet" part of the service. I was wondering how to turn this aside and then after more research realized this particular church is fundamentalist and I couldn't go along with their doctrine anyway.
By the way, I've lived all my life in the South and I don't remember people being so huggy-kissy (outside of family or really close friends) when I was growing up!
This is funny (not in the ha-ha way) because as I read the title of the post "our hugging culture" I thought to myself...what?, we are?
My parents were from the south as well and I can tell you that although we knew quite well how very much they loved us, they were not demonstrative of that sentimentality at all.
I will say though that I was very demonstrative with my own children and they in turn were very loving and generous with their hugs and kisses to Grandma and Poppa. And guess what? Grandma and Poppa just loved it, at it up as they say, and were tickled pink whenever we were visiting and first and last things were hugs and kisses.
Not to or from their own children but their Grandkids. Go figure!
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. I wasn't always a hugger because my immediate family wasn't overly affectionate growing up. It was actually my friends that warmed me up to it, and I am grateful for it. I can still be kinda "touch and go" (no pun intended) and moody, but I often have to stop myself from hurling my open arms at certain people because I don't know how they feel about physical affection. And that's what it boils down to (for me anyway) - a display of affection. One of my friends used to squeeze the CRAP out of me and I wanted to tell her to ease up, but once I framed it as, "She just really, really loves me," I made peace with her death grip. 
but it's not gonna stop me! I'm always thinking long term. It could be the last time I see you, and I want the memory to be good/you to know that I care about you. 
Of course an awkward hug ensued. 
