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OP: I understand exactly where you're coming from as I'm still learning and striving to not be emotionally trampled on. I accept the fact that 'no one can make us feel a certain way because we allow ourselves to feel one way or the other'.
As far as the receptionist - maybe she treats everyone that way; maybe you remind her of someone who hurt her; maybe, maybe, maybe - none of us know why anyone reacts or doesn't react a certain way. The important thing is that you don't internalize her lack of social skills and think you're the problem.
We all have to learn to be assertive and as some stated, many learned those skills during their growing up years. For those of us who didn't, it can be a struggle to determine when to speak up and what to say, or when to let it go and say nothing.
There are occasions when I play the Monday Morning Quarterback and think, "Why did I say that?", or "I should have said that", and it can be disconcerting. We can't turn back the clock; however, this is how we use those incidents as tools to learn and grow as we move forward.
I look at it this way: as long as I'm not hurting anyone's feelings or starting an argument, I don't see any benefit in kicking myself around the block for not saying or doing what 'others' may consider the proper thing at the moment.
If someone comes right out and insults me then I will say something. Those individuals are rude people who enjoy hurting others. I'm sure there are many comebacks; however, for me, the best I can come up with is, "Do you feel better now?"
It was only when I reached 40 years of age that I started standing up for myself. Before that I used to be what I would describe as very submissive, and I am glad I am not that any more.
I think you mean passive.
I found this from a few months ago on another thread:
Quote:
Originally Posted by ellenrr
I was in this situation.
The friend who asked for a ride had a stroke, so cannot drive, and buses do not go too many places where I live.
I usually say yes when she asks for a ride, if I can.
In this case, when I told her what time I would pick her up, she said, "Oh c'mon that is much too early."
I got mad - it is a question of respect, and I agree with most of the posters - that if I am giving the ride, I get to set the time.
So first I said - well that is the time I'm leaving, and you can come if you like.
Then I thot it over, and realized she was right - I had planned to leave way too early, so we compromised.
But I do think - the driver should set the time.
But this is a friend, and not a big deal.
If someone I was doing a favor for said, "Whoa, that's way too early." I would laugh, shrug my shoulders and say sorry, I can't do it any other time.
But it upset you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ellenrr
What bugs me about giving rides is that there is a friend/acquaintance - who I always give rides to when we are going to the same place. He doesn't drive.
I am not going out of my way. I would never ask for $.
But it bugs me that after some 15 years, he has never ONCE offered me $5.00.
Just has no realization that is costs to operate a car, and even tho I am not going out of my way - he lives around the corner from me - just offering $5.00 once in a while would be an acknowledgment that transportation is not free.
A reasonable person would have either asked for gas money or stopped giving rides.
You let things build up -- for 15 years in this case -- then you explode or complain to others.
Last edited by fluffythewondercat; 06-05-2016 at 08:01 AM..
I'm pretty good at being assertive and haven't always been successful at being diplomatic.
Ex: Would you please turn off your cell phone, it's very distracting. (In a movie theater.)
Response: Did you ever think this might be an emergency?
My response: Well maybe you should think about getting up and going outside instead of disturbing everyone around you, but it's all about you isn't it?
After leaving the theater within ear shot of the idiot woman I said to John why does there always have to be a rectum (I used the other word), that thinks that message about turning off your cell phone applies to everyone but them?
Another example:
Having a really bad day at work and a coworker who is obnoxious by nature chirps in with something that doesn't concern her.
My response as I hold up my hand in her direction is to tell her that this doesn't concern you. I called her a rectum, again, not the same word under my breath. I'm sure she heard it though.
It stopped her dead in her tracks and put us on an only speak to me when necessary status. Perfect for me.
Sometimes you just can't be nice with people and you have to be forceful. You just can't be nice to rectums because they view it as weakness and will take advantage of it. A lot of them only understand a sledge hammer response.
I really prefer to be nice, but I will slay you which ever way you ask.
Wayne Dyer was mentioned on another thread recently. His first two books, Your Erroneous Zones and Pulling Your Own Strings address exactly what you are talking about. I strongly recommend them. I think you will find them delightfully supporting.
How often do you feel you have to stand up for yourself? It doesn't seem like something that should happen often enough for you to be preoccupied about it.
The problem with people who are insecure and/or people pleasers is that they want to stand up for themselves but then also still have everyone like them.
The comment has to be severe, but if insulted, I always ask, 'Was that necessary?" I know you don't fancy confrontation, but sometimes folks have to be called out on their behavior. If questioned immediately on their rudeness, often times it will snap them out of it. Yes, they might be having a bad day, but that's no reason to take it out on you. As for being 'a pill', they dished out the first dose. You're just trying to keep it civil.
This is a great response. It is quite neutral but it pretty much forces the other person to explain themself. They could actually take that as an opportunity to "save face" and back pedal or dig themselves in deeper. But it does pretty much force the issue without you having to defend yourself and possibly make yourself look even worse.
Kill them with kindness. Always take the high road and try not to let them drag you down to their level. That's how they win. Never get into a fight with a pig, you both get dirty but the pig likes it.
I'm pretty good at being assertive and haven't always been successful at being diplomatic.
Ex: Would you please turn off your cell phone, it's very distracting. (In a movie theater.)
Response: Did you ever think this might be an emergency?
My response: Well maybe you should think about getting up and going outside instead of disturbing everyone around you, but it's all about you isn't it?
After leaving the theater within ear shot of the idiot woman I said to John why does there always have to be a rectum (I used the other word), that thinks that message about turning off your cell phone applies to everyone but them?
Another example:
Having a really bad day at work and a coworker who is obnoxious by nature chirps in with something that doesn't concern her.
My response as I hold up my hand in her direction is to tell her that this doesn't concern you. I called her a rectum, again, not the same word under my breath. I'm sure she heard it though.
It stopped her dead in her tracks and put us on an only speak to me when necessary status. Perfect for me.
Sometimes you just can't be nice with people and you have to be forceful. You just can't be nice to rectums because they view it as weakness and will take advantage of it. A lot of them only understand a sledge hammer response.
I really prefer to be nice, but I will slay you which ever way you ask.
While I agree with your assessments of the situations, your approach is classic passive-aggressive and kind of chicken. All that 'under the breath' or comments just within earshot stuff is not really standing up for yourself.
When you have to object to something you think is unfair to you, or when you know what the other person is saying is wrong, just state the facts. This is hard for me, but really it is best not to become emotional. Just state the facts: actually, I did xyz, not abc. Or, I looked that memo over and I did not come to same conclusion you did. Facts defeat emotion, if they are delivered carefully and without a lot of drama.
If you stick with a factual and simple "defense" you'll have better results.
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