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You have to stop with the expectations of what you want people to be, especially after knowing them for so long. Your parents raised their kids, and obviously she just isnt into the grandparent thing. Lots of people arent. If its not something she wants to be involved with, accept it.
Maybe she's just not into babies. Maybe its not something she wants to do. You will just have to accept them for how they are.
At least by now you should know that it was about her and not about some deficiency in you that caused her to mother you the way she did. By now you should have stopped having expectations of her based on the way some other people are.
I get you OP! It's not really about vacations, help at home or that sort of thing; you just wanted to fill us in with the logistics, I think!
I would imagine that what is eating at you is that you feel like this is probably one of the most important occasions of your life.
And she's not that interested in sharing it with you.
Not only that but you almost would HAVE to wonder...how important was it to her when YOU were born!
I am sorry you are feeling so hurt but you are right, you know; being a father will be the most important thing you will ever do!
My 4th grandbaby is due in about 4 weeks & my son lives 2 and a half hours away. Additionally, I still have 3 at home myself, including a disabled 12 yr old.
Aaaand, my car is running like crap.
But I'll be darned if that will deter me from getting there!
That being said; I'm an extremely different woman too & when all my babies were born I would have gone nuts to have a MIL or even my own mom lurking around! God forbid that! Just give me my baby & get the he** away from me; I'll see y'all in a few months when my baby's immune system is a bit stronger & I can fit back into my jeans!
Maybe your mom is like me in the sense that she knew she would have hated it & it didn't occur to her that you would want her there? I can't say for sure but I have heard that people usually give someone the gift that they want...
Last edited by coschristi; 06-28-2016 at 12:50 AM..
Reason: her not hear
OP - You need to let go of who you wish your mother was and accept who she actually is. My mom is much like yours. Definite lack of emotional connection. She didn't see either of my kids until they were well over 6 months old and only saw them then because I took them to see her. I've had 2 kids and 1 major surgery and it never occurred to her to offer assistance of any kind. You and your wife will just have to do what we've done and foster connection with friends who become like family. The sooner you let go of your disappointment, the better it will be for you. And you now have the chance to make a different life for your kids. I did and cannot imagine not being there for them when they need me.
First, congrats on the upcoming birth of your son!
My impression of your posting was to share the disappointment of your mom and inquire if anyone else experienced similar letdowns.
The first problem is comparing her to other mothers. And so what if your mom didn't follow the 'normal trend'....what the heck is normal anyway?
I'm sure most could find fault with the people who reared them, but what's the point? None of us are perfect. And please don't expect yourself to be the perfect father or you'll end up disappointed in yourself...we all make mistakes.
To chastise her now for not being the grandmother you think she should be is a waste of time; she is who she is. You shouldn't have been surprised with her reaction about your forthcoming child. That doesn't mean your mom doesn't feel love, you can't know what she's thinking or feeling.
Maybe throughout the years you've demonstrated your disapproval of her and it hurt her feelings. . . ever thought about that? Could you imagine your son not liking you as his father....it would break your heart.
Just enjoy your life, accept your mom for who she is and don't end up with analysis paralysis.
Quote:
Originally Posted by capitalhockey
Growing up, I always suspected that my mom was a rather unique person. I would hang out with my friends and observe their moms for comparison. Needless to say, my mom has a very strong independent streak and doesn't follow the normal trend.
The stereotypical mom is someone who will do anything for their kids and wants them to excel in life. Asian moms are even called Tiger moms. I observed other moms making great sacrifice (time, money, self-pleasure) to better their kid's life. My mom was never that type. She was more educated than the women of her time. She went on to become a teacher (big accomplishment back then) until she got married in her 30s and became a stay-at-home mom. I even heard stories from my grandma that she was a very nonchalant mother...would get caught up reading a good book and didn't pay attention to her kids at times (my siblings and I). I remembered being traumatized when I went to the mall with her and she would randomly wander off....I would get panic attacks when I couldn't find her but that didn't seem to bother her much. It happened rather often.
Fast forward to today. I am in my mid-30s. My wife and I are expecting our first kid (baby boy) in 3 months. This is also the first grandchildren for both sides of the family. My wife is expected to get a C-section. I am planning to take 3 weeks off work (more time than other guys have take) at my company. I came over to my parents house for a visit this wkend. They live 10 mins from our house and both are retired. My in-laws are an hour away but are still working. We started talking about the upcoming baby delivery. I asked her if she can come over to help my wife after I go back to work. She was hesitant because she wants to take a vacation to Australia at that time. Even my dad was surprised at her response, he told her that we needed the help and this would be their first grandkid. My mom is not one to back down and insist on continuing her plans to go on vacation. She said she had that vacation in mind before she knew we were expecting. No tickets or hotels have been booked yet but she doesn't want to push her dates back. Needless to say, I felt very disappointed on the inside. You can take a vacation at anytime but how many times will you become a grandmother? Any other mother would have jump to volunteer to help a young couple expecting their first kid.
I will be a father soon. I already felt a deep bond and devotion to my unborn son. I have set side money for his future college tuition. I want the best for him and am willing to sacrifice my life for his well being. Maybe my mom is one of the few people with no maternal gene...she doesn't have the deep devotion to her kids. Till this day, I never really felt unconditionally loved by my mom. Anyone have a similar experience with their parents? Or am I the only one?
It is disappointing, but at least you know now that she will not change.
She is apparently very consumed with herself. Don't let yourself get disappointed when she doesn't fulfill your expectations of what a mother (and grandmother) should be.
At the same time, there is no need to punish her for it. As the baby gets older, she may still bond with your child in ways you do not expect. Give her that chance.
Let her do her thing. Keep your parents in the loop. Get help from other people in your life, and resist the urge to compare grandparents (the way you did as a child) and to expect different behavior from her. Just enjoy your baby and your new role as a dad without any expectations that your mom will suddenly fill that fantasy mom role you had growing up.
All this. And while your Mom is very different and is disappointing your expectations...she managed to raise an outstanding young man who is going to be an exceptional father.
Love her like she is, and have a beautiful healthy baby.
Perhaps you are only comparing among those in your culture.
It would not even occur to me to ask my mother to come help after the baby was born.
I do not know anyone who has actually done that.
I totally agree. My gosh, he's taking off three weeks after the birth to help his wife out. That seems like more than enough time. She shouldn't need any more help and in fact, it would probably be more stressful than helpful to have house guests for a week or more.
That being said, I do think his mom sounds dismissive and I can relate to that because my mother is the same way. Over the years I've been hospitalized, a couple of times for something serious or for the births of my four kids, and my mother has literally only been to see me ONE time in the hospital, and that was after the birth of my first child - her first grandchild. (She's always lived near me and she hasn't worked outside the home for over fifty years so that didn't come into play.)
She has a marked lack of empathy for anyone - ANYONE. It's always and only about her and her comfort. For instance, my dad has bladder cancer. He occasionally has to be hospitalized for procedures. My mother has always refused to accompany him or even visit him. She says "Ugh. I don't like sitting around in waiting rooms." And when he comes home, she always acts as if he's completely back to normal the minute he walks into the house. She doesn't even ask how he's doing! I'm the one who accompanies him to and from the hospital and yes, my mom will call but you know what she invariably says? "Hey. Y'all are still there? Can you pick up some milk on the way home?"
So it is always disappointing to me, but I don't let it ruin my day. She is what she is and she's never going to change and the OP may as well accept that about his mom too.
OP, I am so surprised at all of the responses you are getting. Yes, it's very abnormal for a soon-to-be-first-time-grandmother to purposely plan a vacation at the same time her grandchild is being born! Forget about helping your wife, just the fact that she prefers to be gone is weird. Every woman I know in her situation is counting down the days until she can see her grandchild, not surfing travel sites to make plans.
That being said you have known that your mother is like this your whole life. Maybe she is somewhat narcissistic, maybe she is emotionally incapable of being a "typical mother", whatever it is it's best to come to terms that she will never meet the emotional needs you have for her. My mother was somewhat like this too, and it would irk me when people would complement her about us as my sister and I got zero emotional or caring support from her. We turned out well in spite of her lack of mothering. But she had enough societal pressure to at least appear to be an involved grandmother. When you have your first child it can really hit home how much you were neglected or unloved as you recognize the strong feelings you have compared to what your parent had for you.
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