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She is very dysfunctional and since you have a head on your shoulders and can see through her crap, you can learn to stop her in her tracks ~ it might take a bit of trying and testing out on your part.
Questions to ask her when she starts this (always use a question and never give advice):
Are you ready to change that?
What do you want to do about it?
What do you think?
etc. (you might want to keep a list of them in your purse).
When she then insults you, which she most likely will, say something like "yeah I know" or "that's nice" with absolutely no emotional charge and then quickly change the subject. It will drive her crazy as you won't be responding in the way she expects and she probably won't know what to do. She might get angry 'cause you're not playing her game anymore so be prepared.
She wants to belittle you, so as to make you seem worthless - therefore, the advice is worthless. See?
A quick answer:
Don't give her unsolicited advice AT ALL. If she whines about how others are abusing her - just change the subject and keep changing it no matter how many times she tries to get back on it. If she won't stop, say you need to go - and go away.
If she asks for advice, say "I am not going to give you any advice, because you will just get mad and insult me with catty comments."
Refuse to play the game. It takes two to play - and right now you are participating.
Na. Too much work. Let's simplify the solution.
Just cut her off and refuse to have any more to do with her. In the long run, the OP will be better off.
I am trying to figure out what my mother's motive is in her behavior. She often asks me advice about situations and when I give her my opinion, she sometimes becomes upset with my responses. The reason I know she becomes upset is that she will bring up something unrelated and say things such as: "People at church talk about you behind your back" or "So and so said this or that about you."
It's almost like she is trying to hurt me all because she doesn't like the advice I give her. There is a situation in particular in which she is allowing someone to use and abuse her, but when I tell her she needs to either talk to them about it or get that person out of her life she becomes upset and intentionally says things to hurt me. I don't know if she wants me to sit there and be miserable along with her or what, but it just seems like she doesn't want to do what is necessary to put a stop to the person who is causing her so much frustration and anger. I have also noticed that she takes out her anger on me sometimes.
She asks for advice, but when it is not what she wants to hear, she attacks, quickly changes the subject and brings up things that have nothing to do with what we are discussing and are usually things that she thinks will hurt me.
I know she is in pain and frustrated, but why take it out on me? Why intentionally try to hurt people who you have came to for advice? This has become a pattern with her and I have now limited my time around her. I can't fix her problems. She has to want to do the work instead of being afraid of what the other person is going to say or do. Trying to get back at me is not going to change a thing.
Your mother is a toxic adolescent. Most likely, the majority of her "problems" are of her own making. Dump her and get on with your life. It won't take her long to come around trying to win you back. That's when you define the "new reality" for her, and tell her that you're not putting up with her babyish behavior anymore, which includes being her punching bag. Tell her that she needs you more than you need her, if it has to be that way. And you're willing to make the sacrifice.
And then at that moment you will find out how the rest of your relationship with her is going to go. Either she'll call your bluff or she'll straighten up.
Unless your mother has some sort of dementia it is not normal for her to tell you "so and so said this about you". I would promptly tell her I don't care to hear it unless it was something positive. I hope you are not her caregiver because she sounds like a miserable person who wants to spread that misery to you.
I would spend as little time with her as possible. If she does have Alzheimer's or something similar I would cut her some slack but otherwise why do you want that negativity in your life?
I always tell her that she might try to talk to these people and see what their response is. She never gets around to talking to them. I have asked her has she spoken to them and she says no. Instead it is the same thing over and over with her telling me about them and complaining. It is like she refuses to do anything about it. To me it seems that she lets it build up inside her and then she unleashes her anger at me. She often gives me the silent treatment as well after she has made a snarky unrelated comment. I didn't realize my telling her it would be best to speak with whomever is upsetting her would cause her to lash out and hurt my feelings in return.
I am just going to limit my time with her. I have suggested that perhaps she can speak to the pastor about her issues. But she doesn't budge.
I actually thought about you after I posted, wondering again if any of her attitude might be due to your tone or phrasing.
But, assuming you're a perfect angel, maybe you need to develop some rote phrases. If you've suggested, rightly, that she talk to those people, for instance, you might keep saying, "Tell them, not me." Keep saying it, even if you're interrupting her mid-story. You can also, if she suddenly turns silent or snarky, saying, "Okay, I guess I'll go now. I'll come back when you're in a better mood."
Keep in mind, though, that they probably has limited things going on in her life. So try to be the one to introduce new subjects, whether it's your own anecdote or celebrity gossip. If she reads, bring her new magazines or books to read. Ask her about family stories from the past. In other words, push her in different conversational directions. And if she talks about something different, you "reward" her by showing your interest.
I am trying to figure out what my mother's motive is in her behavior. She often asks me advice about situations and when I give her my opinion, she sometimes becomes upset with my responses. The reason I know she becomes upset is that she will bring up something unrelated and say things such as: "People at church talk about you behind your back" or "So and so said this or that about you."
It's almost like she is trying to hurt me all because she doesn't like the advice I give her. There is a situation in particular in which she is allowing someone to use and abuse her, but when I tell her she needs to either talk to them about it or get that person out of her life she becomes upset and intentionally says things to hurt me. I don't know if she wants me to sit there and be miserable along with her or what, but it just seems like she doesn't want to do what is necessary to put a stop to the person who is causing her so much frustration and anger. I have also noticed that she takes out her anger on me sometimes.
She asks for advice, but when it is not what she wants to hear, she attacks, quickly changes the subject and brings up things that have nothing to do with what we are discussing and are usually things that she thinks will hurt me.
I know she is in pain and frustrated, but why take it out on me? Why intentionally try to hurt people who you have came to for advice? This has become a pattern with her and I have now limited my time around her. I can't fix her problems. She has to want to do the work instead of being afraid of what the other person is going to say or do. Trying to get back at me is not going to change a thing.
Stop giving advice. Tell her that whenever you give advice, not only does she not take it, but then harangues you for trying to help.
I am quiet at church too and she apparently watches whether or not I sing or speak to others because she asks if I speak to anyone at church. I do speak to whomever I can get to and then I go home. It's like I am judged no matter what I do or say. I feel like I am watched for the slightest thing she can use against me later on.
Find another church. ASAP
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