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While diagnosed with LBD and on dementia medications, she's still quite sharp - there's no chance she'd forget about our coming. I will try the "fib" about the doctor - even if she doesn't believe me it will be a "story" or explanation that she can pass on to perhaps save face. It is so incredibly sad how excited she was about her coming. I'm relieved primarily because of worrying about the long flight but feel like sH*t about it.
You know, I better understand why folks stay away from "difficult" people or possibly stressful situations. When things go "wrong" (i.e., changed plans) there's no rebound. The behavioral issues are really more her personality and the result of depression over her physical limitations than the dementia; my cousin agrees saying it is hard for her doctors to fully understand.
A few years ago I proposed meeting a brother who lives in NM in Austin; he'd be able to see my cousins for the first time in decades. He eagerly agreed until I mentioned how difficult my aunt at been about the car and a couple of other moments on that last trip. At that he immediately changed his mind even though without question he'd be in a hotel with a rental car. At the time, I thought that unkind and a bit rigid.
Ironically, now it is my DD who is disappointed with me for she's worried about my aunt even though she only met her that one time (that she can remember). This is the first time in my life I've been physically "handicapped" with unstable gait etc. and so maybe I'm panicking a bit about it becoming chronic. A 19 yo doesn't get it - as I didn't earlier thinking it possible to simply tough your way thru stuff and survive just fine.
Have you not talked to your doctor about your back pain? Or your unstable gait? I know that my doctor would not want me on long plane flights if I were in such pain. It's your body protesting. So I wouldn't consider telling your aunt that a developing medical condition has postponed your visit to Austin a "fib".
Do see a doctor about your back pain and ask about how to best alleviate it. Going to physical therapy could improve the situation. I thought that I've read that many Americans eventually suffer from back pain that is caused by weak abdominal muscles and poor posture.
And encourage your daughter to become penpals with your aunt.
Have you not talked to your doctor about your back pain? Or your unstable gait? I know that my doctor would not want me on long plane flights if I were in such pain. It's your body protesting. So I wouldn't consider telling your aunt that a developing medical condition has postponed your visit to Austin a "fib".
Do see a doctor about your back pain and ask about how to best alleviate it. Going to physical therapy could improve the situation. I thought that I've read that many Americans eventually suffer from back pain that is caused by weak abdominal muscles and poor posture.
And encourage your daughter to become penpals with your aunt.
This e-mail chain is turning into a confessional but it feels positive even though my DD knows I'm posting and was horrified - "You're telling our personal stuff online." "You say NEVER to do that."
My first thought when I woke today is that I have to make that call to my aunt tonight. Logically, I can tell myself that I'm not responsible for her loneliness when she's alienated so many over the years. She rarely sees or hears from anyone except my cousin. (Her immediate family is geographically close.) I'm not responsible that her perfectionism led her to drive my cousin to do things like power wash the driveway or for my cousin to do it. My cousin knows that's "crazy" but cannot stop. For years, I've urged them to find a social worker to help them as a family unit make better decisions for and with their mother. Does not happen. Still, you take people as your find them and knowing that I'm not "responsible" doesn't make me feel that much better about it for I'm the one disappointing her.
I am seeing a chiropractor who is cross trained with (some) PT. Stupidly, I didn't start when it first developed and so the inflammation (stiffness) progressed. My gait is neurologically normal, rather any stiffness just tends to through me off balance. Nothing that a senior may not experience and learn to live with - but I'm not there yet. Not a senior and definitely not used to being this inactive or "incapable." He just gave me a set of exercises yesterday.
One of the things that I can tell my aunt tonight is how we also had to cancel our yearly trip to Europe - that was because of the ulcer. I tried so hard to go - even to the point of boarding the international flight which then developed mechanical difficulties and returned to the US. Deciding to cancel at that point turned out to be a really GOOD decision in several aspects. It made it "easier" for me to realize that this trip too was not the best decision (for me at least).
Anyhow, my cousin suggested I try to get my aunt to laugh and so if I can weave that into some long saga it may help distract her. Also, my DD felt so sad that if she didn't have to go back to school she offered to fly out herself. I'll tell her that. Anything to make her feel "important." My guess though is that she'll be so angry that she won't be able to process anything out of her own pain, disappointment. But I can only try.
My heart goes out to you all, Everylady. Tough situation and I am sure it won't get much better for a while.
My thought as I read this thread was that perhaps the cousin needs a 'vacation'. Could you use the funds that you had allocated for your trip to bring her to where you are for a few days?
I know she is caring for her mother and that may mean that extra costs are incurred for home care during her absence so you may have to do a bit of ground work to ensure that isn't an issue. Could you talk to the brother who is managing financial affairs - and explain the probable long term benefits of a 'break' for your cousin - to see if there are funds to cover that. If that is not possible, perhaps there is some community help for respite - even 'inpatient' for a few days so your aunt would be well looked after and your cousin could truly relax? This is not going to be a short term situation most likely - and if the cousin is the ONLY one caring for her mother, the idea of respite care is going to have to addressed at some time anyway.
To the OP, I think you have made the right decision. You need to get yourself healthy, and the trip was beginning to sound very problematic.
I also want to support your insight about not being responsible for the results of your aunt's personality or your cousin's inability to say 'no' to her aunt. Their dysfunctional relationship is something that they have created themselves.
You might want to help your daughter understand that the relationship is dysfunctional, and understand how it affects everyone around them. This might help her deal with the craziness if she encounters it again.
I still say that staying in a hotel is best for the two of you. But that will be your decision to make. I hope you are able to enjoy improved health in the coming months.
My heart goes out to you all, Everylady. Tough situation and I am sure it won't get much better for a while.
My thought as I read this thread was that perhaps the cousin needs a 'vacation'. Could you use the funds that you had allocated for your trip to bring her to where you are for a few days?
I know she is caring for her mother and that may mean that extra costs are incurred for home care during her absence so you may have to do a bit of ground work to ensure that isn't an issue. Could you talk to the brother who is managing financial affairs - and explain the probable long term benefits of a 'break' for your cousin - to see if there are funds to cover that. If that is not possible, perhaps there is some community help for respite - even 'inpatient' for a few days so your aunt would be well looked after and your cousin could truly relax? This is not going to be a short term situation most likely - and if the cousin is the ONLY one caring for her mother, the idea of respite care is going to have to addressed at some time anyway.
I've done this to myself - and if only by this incessant posting it's obviously driving me crazy. I DID originally say I'd go and if my aunt's issues mean that we can't wait for January so I can see the rest of the family and bring my DD so be it.
Plus, I'm feeling SO guilty because we're still planning on the Florida leg of the trip. It's easy - one hour to Atlanta, walk around the terminal, one hour to Melbourne. Same on the return. I can't wait to get there to see my stepmother and RELAX. That woman is 87 yo and a delight. And beloved by hundreds. Literally. Plus she's my daughter's only grandmother who she loves dearly. She needs to see her (my stepmother just had an operation for breast cancer).
But the guilt. I got a frantic e-mail from my cousin this morning. She can't sleep ... her mom will be devastated.
I've made this MY problem - which I'm going to solve by throwing a bunch of AAdvantage Anytime points at a first class seats (better for the back) to Austin between a MD physical (late August) and a balloon endoscopy for the ulcer (early September). Just for me; my DD will be back in school - plus at this point it's not a fun trip but a solution.
Just e-mailed my cousin to pick dates and said that she'll have to deal with the fall-out from her mom (no Liah, missed community theater tickets). I've no desire to talk to either before I arrive. 3 nights. Stay at my aunts. Straight from the airport to G'town. I'll throw NSAIDs at the back / temporarily double the PPIs to protect the ulcer. The trundle will be fine - particularly without my DD in the room.
I know she is caring for her mother and that may mean that extra costs are incurred for home care during her absence so you may have to do a bit of ground work to ensure that isn't an issue. Could you talk to the brother who is managing financial affairs - and explain the probable long term benefits of a 'break' for your cousin - to see if there are funds to cover that. If that is not possible, perhaps there is some community help for respite - even 'inpatient' for a few days so your aunt would be well looked after and your cousin could truly relax? This is not going to be a short term situation most likely - and if the cousin is the ONLY one caring for her mother, the idea of respite care is going to have to addressed at some time anyway.
My cousin knows her responses to her mother are destroying her - she's done therapy, medication. But can't stop. Her longterm boyfriend has waited years to marry her ... she just took early retirement, but can't "leave" her mother. I no longer urge but just listen. Her brother offers extra funds from my aunt's assets for my cousin to take breaks - time with her boyfriend (who lives out of town), a cruise. Part of what WAS irritating me was that they were transferring nurse time from our visit (canceling the Austin portion, putting all the time in G'town) so they would not have to pay nurse overtime for my cousin to take extra time off next week.
She's is telling me that she cannot take the part time care taking any more and that she will look to find a live-in care taker. The dynamics between her and her mother are explosive. Then find a part time job - she can't live on her early retirement and is being paid for her care taking days. But I've heard that before.
It's a shame - I'd like to be there, be more supportive, at least show up to see my aunt - but it should not be this HARD. This crazy.
Really enough - I need to pack for Florida. We have an early morning flight tomorrow.
My mom's 83 and dad's 94. Both suffer from this horrible disease.
I get angry at God for allowing this to happen to them. If any of you haven't had to deal with a loved one with this disease, I'm envious.... It's a very destructive disease - more so for the caretakers and loved ones than it is for the ones suffering from it. In most cases, they don't know anything's wrong...
When those of us who are dealing with someone with it, they try to do all they can to be loving, caring, sympathetic, understanding - a bunch of things to the one suffering... That won't do any good because the person they're being those kind things to won't see it. They are in their own little world and no matter the level of kind things they have done to them, they won't recognize them....
OP: as others have stated, stay where you will be comfortable. Try as you will to explain your reasoning, it won't matter to her. I'm very sorry your having to deal with so much drama - I feel your pain and pray that your trip is enjoyable and drama free.
Good luck... God's speed.
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