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I have a somewhat challenging situation. I have two divergent groups of friends who rarely, if ever, intermingle: personal and Meetup. Over my recent adult life, I tried hard to keep this from happening. Because when I was younger, I had multiple groups of friends who didn't know each other, and I hung out with each one separately. Which often put me into moral dilemmas when I had to choose who to spend time with on a particular weekend. And when the groups got together, they had little, if anything, in common. Which put me in the middle, since I was the only gateway between the two.
Over the years, as some friendships "atrophied" while others grew stronger, I ended up with a small but robust group of friends. At the same time, I also joined Meetup groups, who were more like acquaintances and social calendar-fillers than good friends (which is how some people see Meetup as). My social life was very strong and robust. However, cracks soon began to appear. My close friends (all guys) are rather "conservative" in how we hung out: watching sports, seeing concerts, working out, hiking, celebrating holidays, etc. And very little else. My Meetup friends (mixed company), by contrast, have wildly varied events: karaokes, art exhibit, costumed dancing, dog show, salsa lessons, roller derby, and pickup softball games in the park. I invited my close friends to a few of my Meetup events, to share in the fun and expand our horizons, but oftentimes, they'd later tell me they didn't really have fun. Which is fine.
The proverbial golden age continued until early this year, when cracks turned to gaps. My close friends all entered long-term relationships in a very short time period, causing our hangouts to become even more "conservative" and serious, and planning those hangouts became harder. Their girlfriends, while very nice, are far from fun-loving, goofy types. To add salt to the wound, new guys joined our formerly-robust group, and they have problems with my laid-back, quirky nature. (I even had to go to the police after one new guy threatened me; he said I wasn't "acting normal enough".) The very traits I acquired thanks to the accepting nature of Meetup groups, and feel fiercely proud of.
So now, even though I have nothing but utmost respect for my long-time friends, I can't imagine fully relaxing when hanging out with them, unless I drink a lot of alcohol and it's been hours into our hangout. I feel compelled to behave the way they expect: very reserved, meeting their expectations, unemotional, and somewhat neurotic. By contrast, my Meetup groups are pretty much anything goes: dancing in front of the stage at an outdoor concert, taking crazy group selfies, belting out karaoke lyrics completely out of tune (and getting high-fives afterwards), or even lightly flirting with the women. Which makes it much easier to relax and let loose when hanging out with Meetup. There don't seem to be any hard-and-fast expectations of members, other than being a decent person.
Maybe it's all in my head, but is it horrible to feel this way? That I feel slightly on edge and reserved with my close friends, but able to completely relax with my Meetup friends. Or do you think it's the organized structure of Meetup that puts me at ease? Because my hangouts with my personal friends are often far from organized. Rag me if you must, because I do feel a bit guilty about it, just know when to stop.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 09-17-2016 at 12:43 PM..
Maybe you've outgrown your best/ long term friend group. It's kinda strange you can't relax unless you're drinking. Sounds like you're more on the go, busy type of person, you should try to find friends whose personality fall more along that type. Or it might be time to redefine "friend" in your head.
It sounds like your "close" friends aren't so close anymore. You've evolved, OP. Away from them and their limitations. It's alarming that they'd befriend and include into the group someone who would not only feel, but behave, hostilely toward you. (Could this have had anything to do with alcohol consumption on that occasion?) And the fact that the hang-outs now include alcohol, or perhaps more of it than before, could cause concern or estrangement.
I think you should spend some time thinking deeply about what you get out of your old group, what the friendships do for you now, if anything. Are these guys who would be there for you if you needed support or help in a time of need? If not, are they really that much more than the acquaintances who accept you and are fun to be with? Could anyone in the acquaintance group become a closer friend, is there any potential there?
It sounds to me like Personal Growth has happened to you. This is a good thing. Now, you just need to put some thought into what it means for your old friendships, and for the kind of friendships you now want for the New You.
I have a somewhat challenging situation. I have two divergent groups of friends who rarely, if ever, intermingle: personal and Meetup. Over my recent adult life, I tried hard to keep this from happening. Because when I was younger, I had multiple groups of friends who didn't know each other, and I hang out with each one separately. Which often put me into moral dilemmas when I had to choose who to spend time with on a particular weekend. And when the groups got together, they had little, if anything, in common. Which put me in the middle, since I was the only gateway between the two.
Over the years, as some friendships "atrophied" while others grew stronger, I ended up with a small but strong group friends. At the same time, I also joined Meetup groups, who were more like acquaintances and social calendar-fillers than good friends (which is how some people see Meetup as). My social life was very strong and robust. However, cracks soon began to appear. My close friends (all guys) are rather "conservative" in how we hung out: watching sports, seeing concerts, working out, hiking, celebrating holidays, etc. And very little else. My Meetup friends (mixed company), by contrast, have wildly varied events: karaokes, art exhibit, costumed dancing, dog show, salsa lessons, roller derby, and pickup softball games in the park. I invited my close friends to a few of my Meetup events, to share in the fun and expand our horizons, but they'd later tell me they didn't have a good time. Which is fine.
The proverbial golden age continued until early this year, until cracks turned to gaps. My close friends all entered long-term relationships in a very short time period, causing our hangouts to become even more "conservative" and serious, and planning those hangouts became harder. Their girlfriends, while very nice, are far from fun-loving, goofy types. To add salt to the wound, new guys joined the formerly-robust group of friends, and they have problems with my laid-back, quirky nature. (I even had to go to the police after one new guy threatened me; he said I wasn't "acting normal enough".) The very traits I acquired thanks to the accepting nature of Meetup groups, and feel fiercely proud of.
So now, even though I have nothing but utmost respect for my long-time friends, I can't imagine fully relaxing when hanging out with them, unless I drink a lot of alcohol and it's been hours into our hangout. I feel compelled to behave they way they expect: very reserved, meeting their expectations, unemotional, and somewhat neurotic. By contrast, my Meetup groups are pretty much anything goes: dancing in front of the stage at an outdoor concert, taking crazy group selfies, belting out karaoke lyrics completely out of tune (and getting high-fives afterwards), or even lightly flirting with the women. Which makes it much easier to relax and let loose when hanging out with Meetup. There don't seem to be any hard-and-fast expectations of members, other than being a decent person.
Maybe it's all in my head, but is it horrible to feel this way? That I feel slightly on edge and reserved with my close friends, but able to completely relax with my Meetup friends. Or do you think it's the organized structure of Meetup that puts me at ease? Because it's usually not the case with informal groups of friends. Rag me if you must, because I do feel a bit guilty about it, just know when to stop.
Not going to rag on you, but keep this in mind. Meetup mostly attracts people who really aren't interested in forming real friendships. They just want something social with no strings. It's pretty casual for the most part, and more so in urban areas.
It's absolutely true you can outgrow friends. That does happen.
But if you ran into a problem(as in one of your parents got very ill and you're upset, or you found out you're on layoff notice at work) and needed help, whom would you call? Someone you have known for years or someone you know casually through Meetup?
It's very easy when things are going great for you to think the new "friends" are better, but what happens when you have an issue and need support? It takes time to make real friends.
It sounds like your "close" friends aren't so close anymore. You've evolved, OP. Away from them and their limitations. It's alarming that they'd befriend and include into the group someone who would not only feel, but behave, hostilely toward you. (Could this have had anything to do with alcohol consumption on that occasion?) And the fact that the hang-outs now include alcohol, or perhaps more of it than before, could cause concern or estrangement.
I know why they let him in. He's very slick and smooth, and not everyone can see through that facade. He's nice to the people he wants on his side, and s_itty to everybody else. Trying to talk sense into my friends has been wasted effort; they bought into his charm. That's why I went straight to the police instead of trying to talk it out with them. As for alcohol, I don't know. Things just kind of evolved that way, and I went with it. And the new guy is always arrogant, although alcohol does make it worse. My meetups are kind of 50/50: some are alcohol-heavy by design (like the karaokes) and very fun, others are no-alcohol (like the dog show) and still equally fun.
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin
It's very easy when things are going great for you to think the new "friends" are better, but what happens when you have an issue and need support? It takes time to make real friends.
I know that. Which is why I started this thread to begin with. I don't want to burn any bridges, as empowering as it may feel. I fully intend to keep seeing my old friends. A little or a lot, it'll be often enough to let them know I still care. But as Ruth4Truth pointed out, they let some prick get into the group. I had to go the police against him, for crying out loud! That's obviously saying something. As for needing support, I've always been very independent, and handled issues either by myself or with state resources whenever possible, as opposed to asking people for help. Plus, I didn't say my Meetup friends were better than my old friends; I just said I felt more at ease with them.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 09-17-2016 at 12:27 PM..
To add salt to the wound, new guys joined our formerly-robust group, and they have problems with my laid-back, quirky nature. (I even had to go to the police after one new guy threatened me; he said I wasn't "acting normal enough".) The very traits I acquired thanks to the accepting nature of Meetup groups, and feel fiercely proud of.
Gonna need some elaboration on that...
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So now, even though I have nothing but utmost respect for my long-time friends, I can't imagine fully relaxing when hanging out with them, unless I drink a lot of alcohol and it's been hours into our hangout. I feel compelled to behave the way they expect: very reserved, meeting their expectations, unemotional, and somewhat neurotic. By contrast, my Meetup groups are pretty much anything goes: dancing in front of the stage at an outdoor concert, taking crazy group selfies, belting out karaoke lyrics completely out of tune (and getting high-fives afterwards), or even lightly flirting with the women. Which makes it much easier to relax and let loose when hanging out with Meetup. There don't seem to be any hard-and-fast expectations of members, other than being a decent person.
Maybe it's all in my head, but is it horrible to feel this way? That I feel slightly on edge and reserved with my close friends, but able to completely relax with my Meetup friends. Or do you think it's the organized structure of Meetup that puts me at ease? Because my hangouts with my personal friends are often far from organized. Rag me if you must, because I do feel a bit guilty about it, just know when to stop.
It isn't horrible to feel this way, it's a stupid waste of time. If you need to get liquored up to tolerate people you don't owe them anything. You don't have to dramatically burn your bridges or anything, just stop hanging out with them, slowly if it makes you feel better.
You've mentioned multiple times how uncomfortable you feel with your old friends. You need to stop ignoring those feelings, trust your own judgement and let it go.
I know why they let him in. He's very slick and smooth, and not everyone can see through that facade. He's nice to the people he wants on his side, and s_itty to everybody else. Trying to talk sense into my friends has been wasted effort; they bought into his charm. That's why I went straight to the police instead of trying to talk it out with them. As for alcohol, I don't know. Things just kind of evolved that way, and I went with it. And the new guy is always arrogant, although alcohol does make it worse. My meetups are kind of 50/50: some are alcohol-heavy by design (like the karaokes) and very fun, others are no-alcohol (like the dog show) and still equally fun.
I know that. Which is why I started this thread to begin with. I don't want to burn any bridges, as empowering as it may feel. I fully intend to keep seeing my old friends. A little or a lot, it'll be often enough to let them know I still care. But as Ruth4Truth pointed out, they let some prick get into the group. I had to go the police against him, for crying out loud! That's obviously saying something. As for needing support, I've always been very independent, and handled issues either by myself or with state resources whenever possible, as opposed to asking people for help. Plus, I didn't say my Meetup friends were better than my old friends; I just said I felt more at ease with them.
Look, you posted and asked a question.
You're coming across as quite rude, and your generation already has an issue with that. I didn't say you said your Meetup friends were better, you very quick to get an attitude.
If you know everything, than why are you asking?
I was just pointing out that there is a difference as to who you can rely on if something comes up. Nobody knows what the future holds. Do you call(you would probably text) someone you know casually through Meetup or a friend of several years if you have a major problem and do need help.
I really hated meetup. The people were flaky and often wouldn't show up, or would show up 30 minutes to one hour late.
That's what I found. I also noticed the group leader would embellish as to how many people actually showed up. I went to where about 6 people showed up, he later posted 20 people showed up....LOL.
Really? Where were they?
I also found it attracts a lot of flakes and people who lack basic social skills. Later read online that therapists suggest Meetup to their patients who have "social anxiety" issues. I think I met some....LOL.
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