Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I have this bad habit of trying to fix people. I am an outgoing person and people tend to feel comfortable telling me personal things about themselves, unsolicited. I used to take on a therapist type of role, but now it's morphed into more of a coach role. It's like I see a person's potential and I try to push them towards it.
But that's not my job, at all.
I find myself doing this with friends, relatives, coworkers. And what happens is by taking on the role of "fixer" I end up getting entangled in the person's issues, which were not even mine to begin with. I have the type of personality where if I see something is wrong, I want to make it right. But to apply this to people is the wrong way to go.
How do you resist the urge to intervene? I think what I really need to do is just stay completely emotionally detached from a person if I sense that they need help. They need to seek out their own help, and that will only happen if they feel ready for that.
I used to be the emotional trash can for people. Put me into the room with a stranger and after 10 minutes I know all their troubles. It made me not be able to sleep at night and having the urge to help.
I learned to resist in the following way: Show less empathy. Don't ask too many questions and do not encourage people to talk more about themselves. It becomes a habit after a while. If you are too sympathetic, you'll always get sucked into other people's drama. Show a little bith of empathy and then move on to the next topic. You are not their savior and they usually have closer friends/family who should deal with that.
One thing that helps is not encouraging them to "tell it all" in the first place. Early on, when someone starts in, you can say something like: "I'm sorry this is happening and hope it all works out for you", or "Well I have confidence you'll find an answer to it all", or "Let me know how it ends up. I'm rooting for you."
I do encourage people to open up. My intention is to make them feel comfortable and heard. But what it actually does is cause people to open the floodgates of stuff that is not my problem or even my business.
Yet thinking about not encouraging people to open up makes me feel "mean". Guess I have to get over that.
I have that ability, the one where even though I'm wearing my permanent resting ***** face, people have this need to open a vein into my consciousness. I've had total strangers tell me things like I'm their personal confessor. There isn't enough brain bleach.
I have learned to keep a good emotional distance. For my own mental health. It still happens; I've learn better (mostly) how to compartmentalize.
You are not the purveyor of good outcomes. People sometimes just need to vent. Allow them to do so. Then work on NOT telling them what to do about THAT.
I was the same way. And it would always be the same disappointing result.
I recognized ultimately people are lazy and just love to (overly) complain. I had to accept it's just a nonsense thing, because if they really had a problem with it, they'd try to deal the issue. And that's the key thing, I want to see them being proactive because that's totally deserving of support. Otherwise, you decide whether you want to be the toxic dumpee, bounce it back if you don't. There's only so much complaints you can take in. It's very liberating not to take on this task. Just keep it moving forward.
You are not the purveyor of good outcomes. People sometimes just need to vent. Allow them to do so. Then work on NOT telling them what to do about THAT.
^^^^This.
Sometimes total strangers tell me their troubles. Or if I'm in line paying for groceries, the cashier will do so. I figure that they just want to vent and welcome a friendly ear. In those cases, I just listen...maybe occasionally say something like "Oh, I'm so sorry". Some people even thank me for listening to them.
However, if it is a friend or family member who asks for advice and never takes that advice---only later to ask yet again for the very same advice, it can be handled this way --- You could tell them that you already suggested that they do X and have they done that? If they say, "no", tell them that's all you've got. Then make it a point to not talk to them very often. I have a SIL who always asks for advice that she never takes. Recently, I said to her, "You know, I've been telling you that you needed to do X. You need to do it but haven't done it." I know I sounded exasperated when I said it to her. However, my experience has taught me that if you do say that in an exasperated tone of voice, most people do take the hint.
Sometimes you need to be blunt. When I was in college, I had a friend who frequently got cramps. Sometimes people who had prescription meds for themselves would offer her something. All she got from me was either aspirin or Tylenol. One time when she knew I had gotten a prescription, she came to my dorm room to tell me she had cramps. I knew what she was hinting at so I said to her, "You really need to see a GYN, get a check-up and a prescription." She said nothing but never hinted around again to me.
I have a different take on this. You talk about falling into a pattern of trying to change people (help them) by offering advice, etc.
Instead of offering solutions, ideas, suggestions, dial it back just a bit, and provide emotional support instead. Listen, be supportive and encouraging, but just drop all the other stuff. Say things like "wow, that sounds like a stressful situation" or "I can understand why you felt disappointed," instead of making suggestions about what they can do to fix their problem, or change it.
This way you are being a good friend, but you're letting them handle their own problems. If someone asks you directly what they should do, say this, "I'm not really sure. If it was me, I might try doing x, y, or z" and leave it at that.
You will be able to remain more detached and not get yourself mixed into their issues this way, while still offering "help." Emotional support and encouragement is a wonderful thing to give to other people... people are more resilient than you think.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
