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I have two elders brothers that I visit every other year, and it's different. I stay at the house of one of them. He's 85 but even HE can't stand sitting around the house, so he'll suggest lunch somewhere or short visit stops with people we - or he - knows (which can get a bit boring but it's better than nothing). But I make suggestions, too, and we'll do drives or attend any fun functions that may be going on. If I find that I need to pick up something at a store, I'll suggest a drive to Walmart in the next town for something to do.
The other brother... Well, when we visit we usually stay inside his house unless we all agree to go out for a bite to eat. But I don't stay at his place, so that's different.
Your situation is a little bizarre, especially the extraneous comments on your activities. Even more bizarre, though, are parents who bug you to visit, claiming to want to see you, they miss you, whatever, but when you're there, the criticize you for every little thing. I chalk some of this up to the fact that they're set in their ways, and having someone else around doing things a little differently than they do, especially in the kitchen, throws them off. But a lot of it is due to a narcissistic and critical nature.
My parents have gotten a tad better on this, mostly because I've been vocal about it. It is still there though. My extended family is still pretty bad though.
I simply enjoyed the daily life and Moments spent....
But then...I actually Liked my mom along with a deep regard for the life she had endured. We had our flaws to be sure, wish is why I savor any time spent with those who are in my circle of care.
My aunts and Uncles have serene life styles....When I visit, its like a weekend at a spa...Very quiet, peaceful. Cookout on the deck or a walk down to a lake....Nice, quaint, and no pressure.
My parents are both deceased...so I take a different stance on family and quality time visits.
I simply enjoyed the daily life and Moments spent....
But then...I actually Liked my mom along with a deep regard for the life she had endured. We had our flaws to be sure, wish is why I savor any time spent with those who are in my circle of care.
My aunts and Uncles have serene life styles....When I visit, its like a weekend at a spa...Very quiet, peaceful. Cookout on the deck or a walk down to a lake....Nice, quaint, and no pressure.
My parents are both deceased...so I take a different stance on family and quality time visits.
The key is quality time. If someone drives hundreds of miles to visit you the least you can do is turn off your TV and interact with them. And the interaction shouldn't be asking what they have planned, expecting a report of the day's activities (complete with snide comments) and expecting them to be entertained outside of the house every waking moment. If you wanted them to visit why do you want them out of the house all the time anyway? And let's say someone visits and you're at work one of those days. In that case, why not SUGGEST things they could do? If you're going to question what they do and say it's not fun then make suggestions.
I love the quiet, no pressure visits. Walking down to a lake sounds great. That's still doing something.
I can make my own fun no matter where I go but I won't visit my daughter (or at least if I do visit, I won't stay with her) because her idea of a visit with Mom is she spends all her time texting other people and (unless I am smart and get out and go do something on my own) will just leave me sitting there as though I was not in the room. In other words, she reverts to childhood (err teenage-hood) in my presence without me even saying more than hi and giving her a hug. Doesn't matter if I visit her or she comes to visit me - same scenario each time.
My idea of a good visit with my daughter would not necessarily be to get out and 'see/do' something new and exciting - but to have conversations and perhaps laugh a good bit and maybe make a meal together or explore the neighbourhood or even just go get groceries .. while talking much of the time to catch up.
Doesn't happen so I don't do it any more. Especially since I would have to pay several thousand dollars whether I visit her or she visits me. Not worth the disappointment and reminder that she probably just invited me out of some sort of 'duty' or perhaps just so she would not have to say she didn't. Will revisit the whole idea if something radical changes .. till then, nope.
Have you tried suggesting things for you and your daughter to do when you visit? Take a walk, plan a meal, go to the grocery to get the ingredients?
How long will you go without seeing her? Isn't that also hurtful?
Your situation is a little bizarre, especially the extraneous comments on your activities. Even more bizarre, though, are parents who bug you to visit, claiming to want to see you, they miss you, whatever, but when you're there, the criticize you for every little thing. I chalk some of this up to the fact that they're set in their ways, and having someone else around doing things a little differently than they do, especially in the kitchen, throws them off. But a lot of it is due to a narcissistic and critical nature.
Don't they realize that if they're not fun, no one will want to visit them?
Let me first preface this by saying I don't expect people to entertain me while I visit.
I have family that mostly live in rural towns with populations under 10k. There isn't much to do there as it is, however, they will incessantly bug me to visit. Then when you get there they are sitting in front of the TV the entire time but will ask me from the time I get up to the time I go to bed what I have planned for the day, as if every waking hour needs to be filled. I have some friends in these towns that I visit, but since they have jobs and families I can't exactly spend every hour of the day with them. These same family members will also constantly ask what I did all day and then follow up with "That doesn't sound like fun" or "What did you go there for?" The most activity they have planned centers around dinner.
As a result of this I don't visit too much. Anyone else have family like this? I just find it so bizarre. And for whatever reason it started after I turned 30.
My family was always like this ... the most boring family you'd ever have the misfortune of having. Sure, they were loving, caring, etc., but when it came to fun, they had trouble even pronouncing that one-syllable little word.
It was like that growing up, it was like that as an adolescent, it was like that right up until the day 90% of them died (I only have my mother and father now).
I lived in a town of around 700 people so there wasn't much to do, but we didn't do anything -- no games, no movies, no walks, no backyard BBQs, no picnics, nothing. Not even a vacation in the summer. Everyone lived, breathed, and died for two things: doing household chores and eating.
That's what they did all day. In the evening, they parked themselves in front of the television in time for the news at 6pm and stayed there until they got tired enough to turn in.
I spent all ... and I do mean ALL of my time with my friends. I got up, hit the door at 10am, came back for dinner at 5pm, hit the door again at 5:30pm and didn't come back until curfew at 11pm. When I went to college, I moved there year round my third semester and rarely went home -- I just kept in touch via the phone.
There must be something about that small town life that just screams food and television, food and television as if that's all they could think of to do. Even with video games, home theaters, computers and the internet, and services like Netflix streaming, they sat at watched television (commercials and all) -- usually old black & white reruns. I felt as if I were a person out of time whenever I was home.
Yup...town of 2,000. I was TOLD how often to come home while I was away at college. They were pissed if I left the house to do ANYTHING on my own. I even got trouble if I brought home laundry (to do MYSELF) because that would take away from family time - I should do that on my OWN time during the week! Nope - we didn't go out and do ANYTHING while I was there...but I was putting in my time like a good daughter should.
My in-laws will fly half way around the world to come and sit on the sofa and watch tv from their home country for a week. Either we plan a whole bunch of expensive, time consuming activities for them to do, or they sit silently watching whatever they want to. Luckily they only visit every other year.
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