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When my husband was in ICU, I was there with him every day and most nights. The only days I couldn't be there were the ones when I ended up in the ER myself (they thought I had C-Diff... turned out to be severe food poisoning.) We were all just a damn mess. I don't think I could have handled any more... that included visitors. When I needed my parents, they came. I told my pregnant little sister to just stay home because I didn't want her exposed to any hospital germs. A lot of our friends wanted to visit and I think they understood when I told them that it was just too much.
There were times I had been in the hospital when I wouldn't have minded visitors. But more times when I would have thought, "Please just leave me to rest." If I'm doped up and nearly unconscious, I really, really don't want guests.
When my Dad was sick a couple of years ago, almost everyday.
When my daughter was sick over a decade ago, everyday.
Other than that, personally I do not like going to hospitals to see people, and will call and talk to those in the hospital and feel them out if a visit or two is desired.
When my dad was dying, there was always at least one family member with him. I myself, was at the hospital every day until he passed. Some nights, I slept there.
When my son had a burst appendix, I stayed in the room with him, and slept there. I'd go home to shower and change clothes, but then I was back at the hospital.
When my mom was in the hospital, I was there every day. As most of her children (5 of us) were.
When my husband was in the hospital, I was there, and spent the night. NO hospital employee is going to care about my loved ones like me. I'll make sure they get that drink of water, get their hair brushed, face shaved...whatever contributes to their comfort and healing.
The patient doesn't need to entertain me. The patient can sleep all day, that's fine. But I'll be there.
Well said. My parents are both gone now, but I remember going and they needed water or help sitting up and fluffing up the pillows. I was there everyday.
Like you said, it's not for them to entertain you or you entertain them. It's to see their needs are being taken care of. A patient and especially an elderly one needs someone to be checking in on them.
One time my mother who was elderly wet the bed, she was lying in wet sheets. I went to the nurse's station right outside the room and asked for them to be changed. They said when a CNA was available, an hour went by.(the floor mostly had empty rooms)....same response.
I said " I don't care if the CNA does or the CEO of the hospital, or tell me where the linens are and I will do it"...that got one off nurse of her rear(they were having a coffee clutch not updating charts) and did it.
One time I got an email from a friend while I was in the hospital. "You know," she wrote, "I'm just down the street from the hospital. You should come visit me!"
It all depends. What is the patient in the hospital for? Are they coherent, able to make their needs known, able to get up to the bathroom, etc? Or are they basically helpless, flat on their backs?
Regardless, if you do go to visit someone, realize you're not there to be entertained. If, like another poster said, you are taking turns doing "guard duty", that's one thing. You're there for the patient's benefit, to be their advocate, their helper, etc. But don't just all cram into a room and wear the poor patient out, gabbing, talking at the top of your lungs, cracking silly jokes, etc. This is NOT a party! I've been hospitalized many times, and simply been worn out with the visitors making it into some sort of party, while I'm exhausted, just want to sleep, on pain meds, etc.
Also, visitors, unless you are acting in some sort of advocate capacity for the patient, don't get into q&a with every health care worker who comes into the room, especially the doctor! Actually, visitors should LEAVE when a doctor comes in. How would you like to be examined, questioned, etc in front of 12 of your closest friends? Oh, and PLZ, don't go asking the patient's doctor or staff questions about your own health. He's not there to treat you! I had a friend visit me after a surgery. Yes, I had morphine in an IV. Well, she had morphine in a past surgery, and she got chilled to the point her teeth chattered. So, she asked everyone who came in the room does morphine make your teeth chatter? You couldn't ignore her, she'd keep on asking until answered. Finally one doctor asked ME if I was experiencing chills, or teeth chattering. I said no, not at all. Then she said that was her experience with a past surgery, and she just wanted to know for her own sake, if the morphine made her teeth chatter. MY doctor told her to ask her doctor, then turned his attention to me, but she still didn't shut up!
I have severe RA - rheumatoid arthritis. Yes, it can be severe, and it can happen at a young age. I was 21 when officially diagnosed. I've had just about every weight-bearing joint replaced, oftentimes with prolonged hospital/rehab stays. Hey, I'm doing ok! But my family and many friends simply refused to believe I could have arthritis at such a young age. They would challenge everyone who came in the room---isn't she too young to have arthritis? Like they were questioning the doctor's judgment, which put me in a bad spot. My mother felt she had to tell everyone she kept my legs warm when I was a child. Well, that she did---I was always bundled up in snow pants, long stockings, pants, etc, if it went below 50 degrees! I didn't have at health issues then, the RA was a complete surprise when I hit my 20's.
Later, my MIL decided to plunk her carcass in my room and antagonize everyone. The doctor I had was a world-renowned specialist, but with a bit of an attitude problem. He was not at all pleasant to deal with. MIL then asked him if he was "aware" of a research study, she'd seen on TV asking for volunteers. Look, this guy directed research studies, then she sits there and asks if he's up on the latest through TV Guide! He nearly walked out on me, but then realized I had no control over the situation. And no, they weren't doing "research" on me, just a different treatment protocol. Afterwards, whenever the doctor came in, a nurse would come in first and ask MIL to leave. Oh, did that p**s her off! They were denying her her right to be a part of the show!
Those are just a few stories----I hate visitors! I feel they are there to be a part of the action, life in the big medical center. Trust me, you're not missing anything! But when you come home, when you could use a hand, such as someone to run errands, pick up RX, grocery shop, etc, well, they all disappear! Guess that's no fun for them!
People, if you must visit someone in the hospital, keep it short, take your cues from the patient, don't interfere with the staff, respect the patient's privacy. Hospital stays are so short now, anyways, WTH does one need with a gaggle of visitors? Try to offer help, support, etc later, when they're out of the hospital and recovering at home.
Me, too. Besides, today's hospitals are so busy - it's a constant round of taking vitals, bringing meals, filling out menus, respiratory treatments, blood draws, doctor rounds, dispensing medications, etc. that there's really no time to visit.
I don't understand the impulse to visit me in the hospital. Does it hark back to the Catholic upbringing where you are encouraged to do this to earn indulgences?
Stop in to see me when I get home. You could make a sandwich for me, or a cup of tea. You could stop at the pharmacy and pick up prescriptions or the grocery store for milk and bread. Maybe throw in a load of laundry or Hoover the carpet. Ah, that would require you to do something.
Instead, it's easier to sit by my bedside and tell me about the cousin who had what I have and who suffered agonies before he finally died. Now that's some cheerful conversation. Or you show up with nose red and dripping while you tell me that you have this terrible cold but you couldn't bear the thought of me being here all alone.
While there are many people who are thrilled at the thought of visitors, I, along with Matisse, are just happy being able to take a nap between vitals and meds. Besides, the patient in the other bed has enough visitors - all loud, noisy, and completely oblivious to the fact that there's a sick person in the bed on the other side of the curtain.
Hey, you sound like me! Personally, I would be happy to get you for a roommate, we'd both be glad to be left alone!
[QUOTE=MaryleeII;48452945]It all depends. What is the patient in the hospital for? Are they coherent, able to make their needs known, able to get up to the bathroom, etc? Or are they basically helpless, flat on their backs?
Regardless, if you do go to visit someone, realize you're not there to be entertained. If, like another poster said, you are taking turns doing "guard duty", that's one thing. You're there for the patient's benefit, to be their advocate, their helper, etc. But don't just all cram into a room and wear the poor patient out, gabbing, talking at the top of your lungs, cracking silly jokes, etc. This is NOT a party! I've been hospitalized many times, and simply been worn out with the visitors making it into some sort of party, while I'm exhausted, just want to sleep, on pain meds, etc.
Also, visitors, unless you are acting in some sort of advocate capacity for the patient, don't get into q&a with every health care worker who comes into the room, especially the doctor! Actually, visitors should LEAVE when a doctor comes in. How would you like to be examined, questioned, etc in front of 12 of your closest friends? Oh, and PLZ, don't go asking the patient's doctor or staff questions about your own health. He's not there to treat you! I had a friend visit me after a surgery. Yes, I had morphine in an IV. Well, she had morphine in a past surgery, and she got chilled to the point her teeth chattered. So, she asked everyone who came in the room does morphine make your teeth chatter? You couldn't ignore her, she'd keep on asking until answered. Finally one doctor asked ME if I was experiencing chills, or teeth chattering. I said no, not at all. Then she said that was her experience with a past surgery, and she just wanted to know for her own sake, if the morphine made her teeth chatter. MY doctor told her to ask her doctor, then turned his attention to me, but she still didn't shut up!
I have severe RA - rheumatoid arthritis. Yes, it can be severe, and it can happen at a young age. I was 21 when officially diagnosed. I've had just about every weight-bearing joint replaced, oftentimes with prolonged hospital/rehab stays. Hey, I'm doing ok! But my family and many friends simply refused to believe I could have arthritis at such a young age. They would challenge everyone who came in the room---isn't she too young to have arthritis? Like they were questioning the doctor's judgment, which put me in a bad spot. My mother felt she had to tell everyone she kept my legs warm when I was a child. Well, that she did---I was always bundled up in snow pants, long stockings, pants, etc, if it went below 50 degrees! I didn't have at health issues then, the RA was a complete surprise when I hit my 20's.
Later, my MIL decided to plunk her carcass in my room and antagonize everyone. The doctor I had was a world-renowned specialist, but with a bit of an attitude problem. He was not at all pleasant to deal with. MIL then asked him if he was "aware" of a research study, she'd seen on TV asking for volunteers. Look, this guy directed research studies, then she sits there and asks if he's up on the latest through TV Guide! He nearly walked out on me, but then realized I had no control over the situation. And no, they weren't doing "research" on me, just a different treatment protocol. Afterwards, whenever the doctor came in, a nurse would come in first and ask MIL to leave. Oh, did that p**s her off! They were denying her her right to be a part of the show!
Those are just a few stories----I hate visitors! I feel they are there to be a part of the action, life in the big medical center. Trust me, you're not missing anything! But when you come home, when you could use a hand, such as someone to run errands, pick up RX, grocery shop, etc, well, they all disappear! Guess that's no fun for them!
People, if you must visit someone in the hospital, keep it short, take your cues from the patient, don't interfere with the staff, respect the patient's privacy. Hospital stays are so short now, anyways, WTH does one need with a gaggle of visitors? Try to offer help, support, etc later, when they're out of the hospital and recovering at home.[/quote]
Agree with what you're saying. But when it comes to the staff you "interfere" when there are issues. I have seen the good and the bad. In regards to nurses you can tell pretty quickly who went into it because they had a calling, and who went into because they thought it was a recession proof job, and really have no business dealing with sick people.
And agree about a gaggle of visitors. My dad had an acquaintance who actually woke him up when he was recovering from surgery. I said he wanted "credit" for the visit....LOL.
I had a longtime colleague and very good friend who was in the hospital during the final stages of her cancer. I would drop by every other day and chitchat with her. I always took my cues from her on how long to stay and whether she felt like a visit. Most days, she was excited to see me and we would talk for quite a while (We always joked that our relationship was "More than friends, but not quite lovers"). In fact, there were a couple of days where she'd call me up and say, "I need a dose of Vitamin C (That was her nickname for me). But there were a couple of days when I could tell when she was exhausted. So I would only drop by for three minutes, say hello to her husband, mother, or sister and leave.
When my father was dying in a hospital over the course of two weeks, the visitors who were the irritants were the ones who came and stayed and stayed. They were the ones who couldn't pick up on the subtle cues that maybe we needed some downtime rather than entertain guests. Mind you, their visits were appreciated, but it requires a lot of energy to entertain an endless series of visitors who camp out in your hospital room for hours at a time. But the people who simply thought to drop by were always appreciated and valued.
The other thing? As Jamary1 noted, a hospital is often understaffed or needing to deal with competing needs. So it's very easy for a patient to fall between the cracks and get ignored. Having someone there to get water or pay careful attention to the patient's comfort is often more than just being nice. It might be essential to that patient's wellbeing. Obviously, if it is a long-term chronic condition, family members can't be expected to keep up an exhausting 24/7 vigil. But at the same time, the obligatory visit every few days borders on neglect.
As far as the "I don't like hospitals" thing is concerned, it's not about you all the time. Allow me to repeat that: It's not about you all the time. Yes, hospitals are messy, busy, smelly, and filled with angst. They are inconvenient, typically have a maze of a floorplan, and are filled with people going through the worst moments of their lives.
But you have a responsibility to the people who matter in your life. You don't just love them when they are healthy and happy. You love them when they are ailing or hurting or fearful. You are there to keep their spirits up, especially when they are lying bored in a hospital bed with nothing but daytime television and their thoughts to keep themselves entertained. Your presence, even if wordless, tells them that they are important. Any idiot can send a card or a flower arrangement. Actually showing up, even for only five minutes, demonstrates compassion and caring. Those are qualities that are in decidedly short supply nowadays.
Good post. I agree with everything you've said. I hate being in the hospital and thinking I need to entertain visitors. UGH. It's THE LAST thing I want to do when I'm in the hospital. On the other hand, if I"m there for several days, and not terribly sick, I look forward to visits, particularly friends who bring food, magazines, books or movies.
I can't stand people who say they won't go to a hospital (or a funeral) because they don't like it, makes them sad, whatever. As you said, "IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU"! Buck up, grow up, suck it up, and behave like an adult who cares about other people.
When my daughter was in hospital, she was 16, I stayed 24 hrs. When my kids had surgery, 100% of the time.
When my grandpa was in hospital, I was there 75% of the time to help him eat and have someone to talk to.
When grandpa was in rest home, I went as often as I could. about 4 times a week.
When I was in kindergarten I had to stay in the hospital overnight. I was alone and scared as hell. Wasn't going to put my kids through that.
I could tell my grandpa was scared, he was grumpy, and confused. I stayed to comfort him and to relay messages from doctors and nurses, he couldn't hear well and they didn't get close so I put it in terms he'd understand and feel better about.
Sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do. It helped reduce stress and showed that someone cared. I'd do it all over again in a heart beat. At times, every heart beat was precious to them. Every breath, and simply holding their hand and wipe'n away tears meant so much to them.
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