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He is going to school full time and working 20-30 hours a week. He is asserting his adulthood and independence by accomplishing this. There's no shame in living with a parent under these circumstances.
Being mad at his mom because she doesn't pay more of his bills didn't sound very adult to me.
Being mad at his mom because she doesn't pay more of his bills didn't sound very adult to me.
I don't think you understand how having a deeply dysfunctional and abusive parent can affect your perceptions of what is normal. His mother has a profound sense of entitlement, not shocking that a little of that rubbed off on her son. Which makes it imperative to get away from her.
While maintaining a relationship with my mother, I still nevertheless rejected much of what she believed as wrong. However, it was only after understanding the true depths of her dysfunction and distancing myself from her, that I began to grasp how much it had affected me. I saw some things that I knew to be wrong as "normal" even if I didnt' agree with them. And while I rejected my mother's tendency to embrace her "feelings" over actual data and evidence, I didn't realize how much I did that until I really started to examine my decisions.
Being mad at his mom because she doesn't pay more of his bills didn't sound very adult to me.
I understand that my mom doesn't make a lot of money. It's one of the main reasons as to why I have a job in the first place, and why I barely go out (only when I'm forced to by a friend, seriously). What irks me is that she is choosing to live in a needlessly expensive townhouse and yet she constantly complains about stuff she paid $3-10 for. I'm just saying that she is irresponsible. It is clear that she prioritized a nice house over everything else.
Last edited by heythere999; 08-25-2017 at 11:53 PM..
I love 4EVCALI's compassionate response. She says you're still young and feel a need for a mother's love. Agree. Do not be ashamed of this. You have deep, embedded wounds comprising of fear, grief, anxiety, sadness, self hatred, confusion, shame, and anger from the way your mother has treated you and the task at hand is to heal now. You should absolutely continue with a good therapist to identify these stored emotions, any accompanying physical pain it causes in your body, and the self defeating thought patterns and behaviors that habitually arise from these wounds. Probably you haven't taken steps towards independence because you are in some ways carrying around a wounded child who is waiting to be nurtured, cared for, and loved. Don't underestimate the power of these wounds inflicted upon you from the most primal, foundation-forming person in your existence....your mother. I would imagine you have significant feelings of low self worth, constantly doubting yourself, feeling like you have no right to exist, possible self hatred, chronic guilt, and chronic grief and sadness. You have probably absorbed her message that you are too stupid, pathetic, weak, bad, not good enough etc to even make it on your own out there. These feelings may come up in many of your interactions with others which would be debilitating. Go easy on yourself. You, compared to others who have had healthy, loving foundations from parents, are at a disadvantage. You are lugging this heavy pain around with you 24/7, and the number one prioritiy of your life should be to dissolve and heal it. You have to get away from your toxic and possibly personality disordered mother as she will only deepen your wounds. She may be a narcissist, and likely her own childhood was not good since she turned out as she did. The healing process may take years, but you must now love, nurture, honor, respect, and heal yourself. She cannot give this to you, and you likely won't find it from another until you heal yourself. Since you are lugging around all this pain, I'd work on healing and try to strike a balance between work and studies. You can complete your studies at a slower rate as you transition out of her life and process the layers and layers of deep pain you are lugging around. I would suggest reading Eckhart Tolle's books about how to dissolve the pain body, and if that resonates with you as truth, find a therapist who implements his teachings. (As an aside, one important sign of the healing process is when you get to a point of crying and crying and crying. This means you are really letting this painful stuff come up and release. Also, the emotional pain may for a time come in some physical way as well. Mind, body, spirit are all connected.)
The people here who have said 'buck up' and just get on with your life may be well meaning, but don't understand that the first priority is to heal these wounds. You can take their practical advice about finding a small place, new job etc, but you must simultaneously attend to this trauma stored within and apart of you. Otherwise, you will be lugging this pain around with you for years and years, and no matter what you do on the surface of your life, you will be creating your experiences through this filter of stored, inner pain. Begin today to give yourself the love, nurturing, and compassion she was incapable of giving you, and in doing so you will begin to take back your own power. You need to take back the power that she has had your whole life over you!
Thank you for your kind words in this post and the ones that followed, along with other posters.
I've had numerous conversations with my mom that lasted hours and it was pretty much mostly me crying and telling her how I feel hurt.
Even though she's not as nearly as violent and explosive like how she was before my dad passed away, the scars are still there. Because of how she treated me, I just CANNOT be overly warm with her. And it sucks.
Despite how I feel about her personality, I still do love her in the deepest, darkest depths of my heart. I've had nightmares of her yelling at me, but I've also had nightmares of her dying, and me waking up in tears. Last one wasn't too long ago. I also notice how parts of her personality have rubbed off on me-- she constantly complains out loud. I've noticed that I tend to do that too, though thankfully unlike her I immediately laugh it off and never take it too seriously.
I do feel very bad for her because she is always suffering. She's never truly happy and it breaks my heart when I think about it. A couple of years after my dad passed she attempted to date for a while, but she never liked any of the guys she met. Another thing about my mom: my grandma/her mom also constantly criticizes her, and openly calls my mom dumb or stupid or says she doesn't like my mom. My mom is definitely an evolution of her own mom. And my brother and I both agree that my mom is still essentially a child. She has been using my brother for emotional support for years, and goes to him for everything.
Another thing I felt like bringing up: it took me until the age of 21 to finally start driving on my own, because I literally felt like I was too dumb to drive. The few times I had my mom as my instructor were absolutely terrible and she made me feel like I will never be able to drive (in fact I believe she outright said it). So I just kept putting it off and putting it off and putting it off until I couldn't anymore.
Another thing I feel like bringing up: my dad passed away when I was 16. I finally went to a university (transferred from a CC) at age 21 (wrote 22 in my OP which was incorrect, my bad. I recently turned 22). Before I started university, I was with a group of friends and in love with someone who I'm 99.99% sure has narcissistic personality disorder. But then I left. And when I did that? I felt like I mentally grew up 5 years, as I was forced to become more independent.
And I wondered... Why? Well, because 16 was the age when my dad passed away. And I would say my dad was definitely a real parent who gave me a lot of love and support. And during those 5 years, like I wrote in my OP, my mom and brother were off doing their own thing. And I was just kind of there, helpless. Being in the closet along with having untreated ADHD made my crippling anxiety over everything even worse, sadly.
I do definitely think I should move out when the next semester starts in late January. Until then, I'm going to see what financial aid can do for me, apply for more scholarships, and work as much as possible. Because, I agree, for me to fully grow up, I need to move out. I stagnate while I'm here.
Like I said, I do love her deep down. But I have to accept that we're never going to have an amazing, warm-hearted relationship. I accept that she is still emotionally a child and therefore wasn't really fit to be a loving, caring parent.
Last edited by heythere999; 08-26-2017 at 12:05 AM..
Also, I was so absorbed with thoughts on my mother, that I sort of brushed the thoughts on my brother, too.
I also resent him, though not as much as my mom. Even though we've been MUUUUCH better the past 6+ months, for a few years I was pretty terrified of my brother.
During the time where I was horribly depressed (untreated ADHD, bad group of friends to put it mildly, still in the closet, etc.) I WAS pretty useless and I really had zero idea how to take care of myself. I would, on occasion, take my brother's clothes. That's annoying, yes. I would be angry too. But my brother would do things like shatter glass materials on my bed, destroy my room and my video games, etc.
And one time, after borrowing his shorts, he came into my room, and grabbed my neck with his hands, and lifted me up. I don't remember exactly what he said but it was something like "you're lucky I don't kill you" or something to that extent. And I remember my mom was there, watching. She stood and said nothing.
Even when my brother completely obliterated my room and even destroyed some games, my mom was just like "well you shouldn't have borrowed his shirt." Well, yeah, but is that a reasonable reaction? You're going to even defend that? She honestly didn't do **** to help me or protect me. I remember telling my mom "it's like 2 against 1 in this house" and my mom just said that I'm the cause of all the problems in the house.
Speaking of destroying my room, my mom has destroyed my room NUMEROUS times. As in, she'll come in, throw everything off my desk, knock my chair down, open up all my drawers and toss everything out, etc.
She hasn't done it in a while, but I wouldn't say it's forever out of the realm of possibilities. And just for comparison's sake, I have never been physically abusive to anyone, ever, nor have I ever damaged their property. It's just not in me. I never "got them back" by destroying stuff of theirs or anything. But seriously I've had my room destroyed at least 10 times.
My brother is SUPER SUPER SUPER nice to me now, like he's gained a lot of respect for me in these 6+ months. But I still resent him, like I will always reject his offers to hang out or what-have-you. Because those times of him being super physically abusive kind of scarred me. We can have conversations and I'm nice to him too and he even defends me in front of our mom now, but I just still resent him. Until I transferred to university, I was either neglected or I was tossed around by him and my mom like some kind of burden. And it kind of hurts. He's told me once how he realized that he's apparently been much luckier than I have and that he hasn't been there for me like he should have and that he's sorry. For the most part I've forgiven him (hell, it's telling since I FORGOT about this stuff until now), but I still resent him too. Is that an example of childish behavior on my part? Or is me having this deep-seated resentment somewhat justified?
Unfortunately I started taking moving out seriously the day I made this topic. I checked, and I can only apply for dorming at my school in April kind of relieved in the sense that I have some more time to save up money, but kind of bummed that it will literally be a year until I can move out (official day to move in on campus is August 26, aka today). I would consider getting an apartment but I would say dorming makes more sense and it would also encourage me to be more involved on campus.
Yes, I've gotten over the pain. The logical mind has long since let go of the hurt...but even at my age, I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have had a normal family, to have been loved and accepted, and carry that nurturing into the world. Would I have avoided some of the decisions I've made in an attempt to be loved and accepted? Would I have been a different person, with a different life? My advice to you, my dear...Get out while you're young, while you can. Get some therapy...it helps. You deserve a full, rich, and happy life. Shalom.
Your posts hits home with me also especially the lines I bolded. I am 62 and sometimes I wonder these things also.
Unfortunately I started taking moving out seriously the day I made this topic. I checked, and I can only apply for dorming at my school in April kind of relieved in the sense that I have some more time to save up money, but kind of bummed that it will literally be a year until I can move out (official day to move in on campus is August 26, aka today). I would consider getting an apartment but I would say dorming makes more sense and it would also encourage me to be more involved on campus.
Sounds like an excuse to me.
If you were really bothered by your situation and serious about getting away from Mom, you'd be looking at an apartment with room mates near campus- which is what most students do.
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kind of relieved in the sense that I have some more time to save up money, but kind of bummed that it will literally be a year until I can move out (official day to move in on campus is August 26, aka today). I would consider getting an apartment but I would say dorming makes more sense and it would also encourage me to be more involved on campus.
