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Location: Finally the house is done and we are in Port St. Lucie!
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Reputation: 9913
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My take: She kept you dangling so she would have someone to confide in, do things with etc... You were her backup in case her relationship with her 'Love' fell apart.
She used you as her backup plan. It hurts, I know, but her 6 month lie tells the tale. Then to keep the engagement secret from you....
Do not pursue this friendship. She really is not a true friend
I read your post very carefully and thoroughly, and I haven't read any of the responses ... so what I tell you is from my heart, uninfluenced by anyone else. A lot of people use City Data as a place to vent, with no intention of taking advice they are given here. You are getting my honest opinion, whether you take my advice or not.
Run. Grab your heart and run far from this thing. She strung you along for years, which in my book is akin to giving you hope of a happy ending. She is selfish and immature. 20 years is a long time, but it was far too long with this person who held your feelings with so little regard. And I'm not even talking about the lying yet. Nothing about this situation is good. It's over. You deserve ... and will find ... so much better. But first you have to run. And don't look back.
Location: Finally the house is done and we are in Port St. Lucie!
3,487 posts, read 3,338,908 times
Reputation: 9913
Quote:
Originally Posted by glass_of_merlot
I don't know. Reading what the OP says, yeah , sure.
But you don't ( the friend in this case ), don't throw away a 20 year "best " friendship over something like this. I feel like there is an even bigger picture we don't see. I am trying to express that to the OP but he doesn't want to hear me.
Before the romantic interest started happening, it was just a very good friendship. After the romantic interest started coming out (even on just one person's behalf) it changes the dynamic of the friendship. At that point, one starts looking at the other as in a what if scenario.
Even if the girl had not even considered it, she would be doing so now. That just brings in a whole slew of new dynamics to the table.
The 6 months of lying.... I can not see anyway to justify that.
Oh lordy. I'm sorry you're hurting dear one. It's terribly sad when you find someone that could be your soul mate, but you're not on the same page. It's also sad for your friend who lost her best friend because she wanted to keep things as they were. She never gave you any hope that her feelings would change for you, she just went on as if things hadn't changed. Did she lie to you about her engagement, or did she just proceed with caution until she knew for sure that that was what she wanted? I'm sure it was very difficult for her to tell you that she was getting married knowing how you feel about her. How do you juggle wanting to keep your bestie who has unwanted and unsolicited feelings for you vs wanting to be with someone you are truly in love with? It's a horrible situation. I'm wondering if she did what she did because she was trying to spare your feelings?
The fact that you still want to be friends with her speaks volumes. It means that you value your friendship with her more then you value being disappointed that things didn't work out. However, there is another person in the mix that might not appreciate your friendship with her. It will never be the same again.
I'd be sorry to hear that your friendship is truly over. People make mistakes, but you have to understand the why as much as the what. Maybe some day after a time out period you can become friends with her and her husband. Heck, you might even find that you like him more. Who knows.
Take a deep breath. learn from this, grow from this, and try not to beat yourself up over it. Let the cards fall where they may. Hugs.
Lol Ok, since so many people keep getting caught up with thinking that the friendship wasn’t a genuine friendship for either of us, I’ll address that and then get to some replies.
As Robino picked up on, we started as a normal ‘see each other once in a while’ friendship that grew into a very, very close ‘see each other all the time do everything together’ pseudo-relationship over the course of *several* years. 3-5 days of physically spending time together (often more) and 5-7 days of either phone or text conversing month after month, year after year will breed feelings in most opposite sex relationships. It’s just a natural human reaction when you’re in contact with someone that much. The long term effect of that was that feelings grew to the point that *I* got uncomfortable with being so close to someone that I wasn’t in an actual relationship with to the point that it was effecting my being her friend in a negative way (for me).
As we grew our friendship over the years and I realized that I was growing stronger and stronger feelings I told her each and every time. Not with the *intent* of starting a relationship (obviously it would have been great if that had happened) but because for the sake of our friendship being open and honest about things in my life that effected her was important to me. What SHE did with that knowledge was up to her and I’d have dealt with what came from it accordingly. It was one of the tenets of our friendship actually. A tent pole if you will, that we be honest with each other, feelings included. It’s one thing that we both wanted from each other, honesty.
What happened each and every time is that we kept on keeping on because the friendship was that important to the BOTH of us. At any time, during any of the points when I said, being around you so much is causing me to have feelings for you, she could have stepped back, dropped the friendship or said we’ll never get there, friendship is all we have. She said/did none of those things, and because I do know her so well, I do have an idea why even though I don’t agree with it. During those times, my decision was, well, if she was bothered, she would say so, so, tally ho and onward we go!
It wasn’t an issue until my friendship bucket had filled completely and my “to close to be just friends” bucket started filling up. Then I realized we had a potential problem, especially if she wanted to date someone in the future (there was no other guy at that point). So I started thinking about, “how far can his go, as is, without ending in a complete disaster?” That’s when I decided I needed to step away for the sake of the friendship which eventually led to the last talk before things blew up. She just panicked because she “couldn’t imagine her life without me in it” and made bad and rash decisions so that she wouldn’t have to deal with that. Even on a temporary basis which is what it should/would have been. A temporary easing of things so equilibrium could be restored.
She just didn’t want that and yes, she was selfish. I called her out on that point specifically which I know she didn’t like (she doesn’t take being challenged too well) and here we are. Her dishonesty was completely unexpected and completely out of character for her. As I said before, I understand the ‘whys’ of what she did. She just went about it in a very awful way that had the exact opposite effect of what she was trying to do. Again, I get it even though I don’t agree with it.
Outside of the lying period, no, I don’t for a second think she was stringing me along or anything of the sort. I did things with her because I wanted to, not because of some latent hope of things changing relationship wise. The same reason why she did things and spent time with me. We had a good and genuine friendship (that I do and will miss) and we enjoyed each others company a lot. A whole lot, which again, was the problem because we weren’t in that sort of relationship to be spending *that* much time together with nothing more happening. It’s just not a good idea.
Lol ok, with all that said that’s the last time I’ll address the friendship prior to what happened to cause the thread posting as it’s completely irrelevant. Just wanted to, hopefully, clear up the misconceptions.
Location: Finally the house is done and we are in Port St. Lucie!
3,487 posts, read 3,338,908 times
Reputation: 9913
Quote:
Originally Posted by Foggy HalfNelson
Lol Ok, since so many people keep getting caught up with thinking that the friendship wasn’t a genuine friendship for either of us, I’ll address that and then get to some replies.
As Robino picked up on, we started as a normal ‘see each other once in a while’ friendship that grew into a very, very close ‘see each other all the time do everything together’ pseudo-relationship over the course of *several* years. 3-5 days of physically spending time together (often more) and 5-7 days of either phone or text conversing month after month, year after year will breed feelings in most opposite sex relationships. It’s just a natural human reaction when you’re in contact with someone that much. The long term effect of that was that feelings grew to the point that *I* got uncomfortable with being so close to someone that I wasn’t in an actual relationship with to the point that it was effecting my being her friend in a negative way (for me).
As we grew our friendship over the years and I realized that I was growing stronger and stronger feelings I told her each and every time. Not with the *intent* of starting a relationship (obviously it would have been great if that had happened) but because for the sake of our friendship being open and honest about things in my life that effected her was important to me. What SHE did with that knowledge was up to her and I’d have dealt with what came from it accordingly. It was one of the tenets of our friendship actually. A tent pole if you will, that we be honest with each other, feelings included. It’s one thing that we both wanted from each other, honesty.
What happened each and every time is that we kept on keeping on because the friendship was that important to the BOTH of us. At any time, during any of the points when I said, being around you so much is causing me to have feelings for you, she could have stepped back, dropped the friendship or said we’ll never get there, friendship is all we have. She said/did none of those things, and because I do know her so well, I do have an idea why even though I don’t agree with it. During those times, my decision was, well, if she was bothered, she would say so, so, tally ho and onward we go!
It wasn’t an issue until my friendship bucket had filled completely and my “to close to be just friends” bucket started filling up. Then I realized we had a potential problem, especially if she wanted to date someone in the future (there was no other guy at that point). So I started thinking about, “how far can his go, as is, without ending in a complete disaster?” That’s when I decided I needed to step away for the sake of the friendship which eventually led to the last talk before things blew up. She just panicked because she “couldn’t imagine her life without me in it” and made bad and rash decisions so that she wouldn’t have to deal with that. Even on a temporary basis which is what it should/would have been. A temporary easing of things so equilibrium could be restored.
She just didn’t want that and yes, she was selfish. I called her out on that point specifically which I know she didn’t like (she doesn’t take being challenged too well) and here we are. Her dishonesty was completely unexpected and completely out of character for her. As I said before, I understand the ‘whys’ of what she did. She just went about it in a very awful way that had the exact opposite effect of what she was trying to do. Again, I get it even though I don’t agree with it.
Outside of the lying period, no, I don’t for a second think she was stringing me along or anything of the sort. I did things with her because I wanted to, not because of some latent hope of things changing relationship wise. The same reason why she did things and spent time with me. We had a good and genuine friendship (that I do and will miss) and we enjoyed each others company a lot. A whole lot, which again, was the problem because we weren’t in that sort of relationship to be spending *that* much time together with nothing more happening. It’s just not a good idea.
Lol ok, with all that said that’s the last time I’ll address the friendship prior to what happened to cause the thread posting as it’s completely irrelevant. Just wanted to, hopefully, clear up the misconceptions.
Ok that did clarify for me. Thanks
In that case, I would definitely echo what Animalcrazy said.
I'm sorry for your pain. Relationships, romantic or otherwise, can be very complicated.
I'm glad that you aren't emotionally invested in this anymore, and that you realize it was never going anywhere. That will help you move on very quickly. As for forgiving the lying by omission and ever talking to her again, sure! Perhaps you'll invite her to YOUR wedding in the not so distant future! Considering that you are no longer emotionally tied to this person, and are freely open to receiving love from a worthy and lucky lady. Your future is waiting ... get out there!
ETA: I had a terrible breakup once. Met new guy within a couple of weeks ... he asked me to be his girlfriend shortly after that ... 6 months after that he asked me to marry him ... 24 years and 5 children later, here we are. Zero regrets.
Move on and don't look back.
Last edited by SouthernProper; 09-27-2017 at 01:44 PM..
I'm not understanding why you wish to stay friends with this woman who you love but who apparently doesn't feel the same about you. Won't it be painful for you to stay in her life while she is marrying someone else? How are you going to feel if you are invited to the wedding? When they have their first child? Why would you want to put yourself through all that? I say make a clean break and quit torturing yourself.
Eh, the feelings developed because they developed. I don't know how many times or how many ways I can convey this. It just happened. That part is not that big a deal.
To be blunt, right now the answers to those questions are a true "no way in hell do I want to be there for any of that!" Once I'm back to neutral ground, then it becomes, "what the hell would I care? It's her life to live." It'd be the same way it was when we were first forming our friendship and she dated some guy. He did all kinds of stupid ****. I told her once he was a tool and she didn't take it too well so I just shrugged, said "it's her life" and let it go. As long as I'm not too attached to someone, they can do whatever makes them happy and I'll be as supportive as I can. I just can't do that, at this point, because the feelings haven't dissipated enough yet. That's all.
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