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i am noticing this recent development and i am wondering if others also have the same feelings or situation. My adult children are now in their early 30s, I am close to turning 60, and i just don't have the desire to travel and visit them that I had formerly. That desire and willingness to do so is diminishing.
Just a few weeks ago i had an 8 day trip planned for me to fly and see them, they all 3 live in the same city, and to be honest as the date approached i just plain did not want to go. So I didn't, I cancelled the trip, and spent the vacation time at home and it feels wonderful. It was definitely the "right" thing for me to do in terms of how I would rather be spending my time.
Several things have led to this diminished desire to travel and visit my adult children. When I am there they are very very busy, with their lives and activities and jobs. I try to take each one out individually to dinner for one meal, a tradition from when they were growing up, and that we have always done, and I found increasingly that that one meal out was interrupted by phone calls, cut short by errands to run, interrupted by demands from the girlfriend.
Part of me is noticing to put it bluntly that they really would rather be doing other things than spending time with me. So I feel less willing to continue to put in the effort, and I don't want to feel guilty about it. They are grown adults in their early 30s. I feel like as adults both people in the relationship need to make an effort to contribute to spending time together if that is their desire. It should not always fall to me to do the traveling. not always fall to me to say "let's plan a visit." and we're not talking frequent visits, more like once a year.
I work full time, I am not retired, and I save up my leave and would like to use it in ways that are fun and pleasing and nourishing, that provide rest and relaxation. I noticed that the last few visits were not enjoyable for me. They were rushed and harried and it felt like they "had" to spend time with me rather than they "wanted" to spend time with me. Part of me feels like if a friend or associate behaved that way i would also back off.
The daughter in law literally walked out of whatever room I happened to be in for several days. I don't feel like having a conversation with my son about this but it sure feels uncomfortable. I am increasingly reluctant to put myself in those types of situations so find myself just backing off from making visits. My son has shared with me that in her culture "women like me" are seen as the most undesirable element in society. that is, a divorced woman.
I have also noticed that they take lots of trips and travel to lots of places in the country and also internationally, which is great, they are young and they have money and they have jobs that allow them to do this. However years and years and years of this, and the visits do not include trips to see me. I can't help but notice that. The tipping point I guess came when it dawned on me that they spend weeks and weeks with the in laws, weeks and weeks with the girlfriends family, this has gone on for years, but don't come to visit me.
how do other people handle this? thanks for your input. usually with my sons we talk things out but part of me is reluctant to demand they spend time with me because it sort of defeats the purpose of enjoying time together if they really would rather be doing something else. what do you do? how much effort do you put in when you feel strong dislike and discomfort from the girlfriend, the daughter in law, the in-laws. I don't know how to do this!
Last edited by Tzaphkiel; 08-23-2018 at 11:48 AM..
It's one of those things that, if you talk about it with them, you run the risk of making things awkward to the point that they feel forced to spend time with you. In essence that's what you are doing. Really, though, you're just asking them to make more of an effort, which is something you don't feel like you should have to ask.
Before I offer other advice ...
Do you always stay at one house for the entire length of the trip? That may be part of the problem.
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OP, your description of your visits sounds dreary. I don't think I'd purposely take each of my adult kids out alone for an evening, when other family is nearby. It's SO MUCH more fun to be together in groups. Although like you, I tried to do things individually with my kids when they were little, so you could give them special attention.
Can you plan something fun? Like, a long weekend at a lake house nearby where they live? The fact that your adult kids have relationships with their significant other's family indicates they aren't averse to extended family - they just don't enjoy visits like you set up. And honestly, I wouldn't either. You dread it, and so do they.
At this stage in my life I'm really reinforcing the adult son's relationships with each other, so that when I'm gone the firm foundation of being with each other will still continue.
OP, your description of your visits sounds dreary. I don't think I'd purposely take each of my adult kids out alone for an evening, when other family is nearby. It's SO MUCH more fun to be together in groups. Although like you, I tried to do things individually with my kids when they were little, so you could give them special attention.
Can you plan something fun? Like, a long weekend at a lake house nearby where they live? The fact that your adult kids have relationships with their significant other's family indicates they aren't averse to extended family - they just don't enjoy visits like you set up. And honestly, I wouldn't either. You dread it, and so do they.
At this stage in my life I'm really reinforcing the adult son's relationships with each other, so that when I'm gone the firm foundation of being with each other will still continue.
i like the idea of "time away at a lake house" like you mention, and air bnb is perfect for that, they use it when they travel and i use it when i travel. We did it once and it was fun (i thought) but has not happened since. Even that had an air of reluctance about it. What started out as 4 days long weekend ended up much shorter, arriving late late, leaving early early, one son and girlfriend dropping out at the last minute to go somewhere else instead, me in the beach house for 2 days by myself.
and yes i agree about them having strong relationships with others, with each other, with their partners, with their inlaws. i always wanted them close with each other (three sons, close in age) and they are, for many years they lived in the same house together, and they continue to live in the same city and see each other regularly which i agree is a very good thing.
i guess at this point i just don't want to feel guilty about cancelling the trip and not spending time with them.
people have told me daughters stay close with their family, and sons do not, which i never really understood and never really made sense but I am seeing that now. their focus needs to be on their own family, marriage, girlfriend, I get that. it is just so far out of my realm of experience. when I was married, we made a point to take trips and have visits and spend time with each of our parents, his parents and my parents, and neither were very pleasant but we did it anyway, and neither lived in the same state, but we did it anyway.
It's one of those things that, if you talk about it with them, you run the risk of making things awkward to the point that they feel forced to spend time with you. In essence that's what you are doing. Really, though, you're just asking them to make more of an effort, which is something you don't feel like you should have to ask.
Before I offer other advice ...
Do you always stay at one house for the entire length of the trip? That may be part of the problem.
For years they all lived in the same house, so yes I stayed there. They worked full time, and I never asked or expected them to take time off, we would hang out in the evenings and watch movies and visit.
This last trip the one i cancelled was to see the new baby. mother in law has been living with them for months in the guest room helping with the baby.
I think you are right on track to pay attention to what you want to do. You cannot change others or make them feel certain ways, as you know.
I understand you have conflicted feelings that they don't seek you out and that you feel excluded when around them AND you still want to connect with them . . . I think backing off is the right strategy for yourself right now.
When the time is right in a few months, maybe, think about what would be a super fun vacation for you and ask them to join you. Go to Hawaii or something - and make sure it is to a place where you can entertain yourself and still feel good about the experience.
If you can treat them at all, do that - but make it fun for yourself first - think about your itinerary - lunches, dinners, sightseeing, free time, etc.
I like the weekend lakeside rental idea. We were close to our son but once he married we became secondary and as we are the paternal grandparents get left behind quite a bit . I understand to a certain degree, our dil prefers to be with her mother (who can blame her) and my son has no choice but to go along. Our dil I don’t think dislikes us but isn’t particularly welcoming,I’d say she tolerates us but keeps us at an emotional distance. So we try to keep up with our son with occasional lunches, and texting things like jokes or pics he might enjoy or find funny. We are available if they ever need anything. Other than that we get on with our lives and accept we are a small part of his family life and that the maternal gran is number one. Bottom line though is he is happy.
Live your life OP, enjoy your hobbies, your friends etc and just keep up with your children via letters or emails, etc. for now.
Edited to add. Stop with the guilt trip. You have realized by observation and their actions that they are too busy. It’s okay to take a break from visiting them for a while.
I just read that you cancelled to see the new baby, and I think that was a mistake. You should definitely see the new baby and should want to see the new baby. Maybe just fly there for a weekend?
The daughter in law literally walked out of whatever room I happened to be in for several days. I don't feel like having a conversation with my son about this but it sure feels uncomfortable. I am increasingly reluctant to put myself in those types of situations so find myself just backing off from making visits. My son has shared with me that in her culture "women like me" are seen as the most undesirable element in society. that is, a divorced woman.
Oh, my.
Certainly; women from cultures that still dictate who women are, what they do & when & where they do it ... Understand that their husband's home IS now THEIR society?
Yeah; I'm sort of playing both sides of the cultural card here but dang ... As her husband's mother, I believe that puts you above reproach. It would just have to come from him first, I guess.
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