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Maybe OP doesn't want to move. That's a huge step, especially being single, since you may be cutting yourself off from family, job, a church, or other support systems that single people actually need. Not everyone can pick up and move to a place where they don't know anyone. It can be done, but since OP isn't particularly social, then moving isn't a good suggestion.
Through my young adult years, I found that my lifestyle as a single person didn't (couldn't) revolve around social activities or friends. I was too busy working to make a living for myself. Taking care of a home, yard, doing one's everyday chores and working out a bit require a lot of time investment. After the age of 30-35, interest in going to bars or parties dwindles.
Yes, I do think friendships can be over-rated. It's nice to have a few friends but it's not going to make or break your entire life. I found that most friendships come and go through the years. There are people in your life at one point for awhile but then they move or get married, then you're looking for new people to do stuff with. Then the new friends turn out to be people who you don't click well with. You move on and look for more new friends. It's just not something I want to pour my time into, endlessly.
I found that my time was best spent to develop personal interests regardless of whether I had any friends or not. These personal interests are opening up new doors for me--several new business ideas, for example. I also do a lot of volunteering and stay busy with outdoor activities.
The point is not to focus on friendships but to figure out what is important and meaningful TO YOU in your life and then pursue it with passion. Figure out your passions! Get off your couch and away from the TV and computer, figure out some new and exciting activities for yourself. If you don't meet any friends, well, so be it. It's hard to meet people as you get older. But you'll be fulfilled and revitalized by pursuing your passions.
There are a lot of lonely people out there. Don't focus on yourself or your own loneliness. Reach out to people in nursing homes, homeless shelters, hospitals. Help out with church functions or various walks/runs.
I'm not saying this to put you down, but having been married to an alcoholic who had an alcoholic father, I learned about them back when I was trying to help him, and my daughter (now 26) has found the website and group useful.
People who have alcoholic parents sometimes don't learn certain social skills and norms and find it difficult to move within the non-alcoholic world. I worked with a woman for years who would say the rudest things to people and then seemed surprised and perplexed when people became angry with her or answered her sharply. I came to find out her mother was an alcoholic. She just never learned that speaking to people the way she did (pointing out their obvious flaws, for example, or bringing it to everyone's attention when someone made an error) was not socially acceptable and in fact made people angry with her.
That's just an example. I'm not saying you are like that. But, growing up in an alcoholic home had an effect on you. ACOA might be something you want to look into.
What about the people you work with? Many of my best friends, and my husband's were people we met at work and clicked with. My best friend of 40 years is a woman I met at work at age 21. We would go out for lunch together at work, and eventually started going out to clubs and having fun on the weekends together. Some of my hubby's friends of 40+ years are people he met at work and went out to shoot pool with, or played on an adult softball league with. If you like any participation sports, like golf, tennis, hiking, or cycling, etc look for clubs in your area and try to find a way to sign up, possibly through your gym. You could find group hikes and other events like that through your local newspaper. Take a class in something you're interested in at a local community college or learning exchange. Maybe it's just a pottery class, or if it's a group sports lesson then you can suggest getting together to practice. One of my friends from childhood met her husband through online gaming. She was "addicted" to a particular game and was always playing against this other gamer, they started talking online about the game and ended up setting up a meeting. He lived in Europe! He moved to the U.S., and they lived happily ever after. You just never know where you might find a friend if you are open to it.
You will have to overcome any shyness on your part about introducing yourself, or opening up a bit (not too much, no one wants to hang out with someone who tells their whole life story the minute they meet you). If you meet a person you are clicking with, suggest getting together for a beer after, or making a time to play again and suggest a day when you'd be available. Just make sure that you aren't coming across as desperate, or as if you are trying to "hook up" with them, if you know what I mean. And expect to be rejected or shut down at least twice as often as you get an okay. Other people are busy and have lives, so they might not be in a "looking for friends" phase of their life. But they might be. You never know unless you try. Again, keep it casual and if they say "no thanks" or "sorry too busy", just shrug and say "Okay, just let me know....".
Last edited by TheShadow; 05-21-2018 at 08:52 AM..
I wish people would quit suggesting volunteering to meet people.
Only volunteer if you believe in the mission of the charity and can take orders.
Good suggestion.
What's even worse is when people are sad because they have no one to spend holidays with, and people tell them "Volunteer at a soup kitchen!" They don't NEED you at a soup kitchen at Christmas or Thanksgiving. They need you in February and August. Everybody, especially politicians who need a photo op, is volunteering at the holidays.
Volunteering can be fulfilling, but a person isn't likely to make friends or find a partner that way.
I wish people would quit suggesting volunteering to meet people.
Only volunteer if you believe in the mission of the charity and can take orders.
Really? Volunteering can take so many forms. Like nature? There's groups that clean up parks, maintain trails, count birds/turtles/butterflies/whatever. Sports? Coaches, umpires, referees, organizing events, handling equipment, Special Olympics. Visiting folks in a nursing home or helping out with bingo doesn't exactly involve taking orders. Maybe a local employment agency could use help assisting folks with poor computer skills. Packing meals for the needy shouldn't be too hard to get behind. Organizing at a local food shelf, staffing an informational booth in town or at a hospital, all are types of things that don't necessarily require buying into a mission and taking orders.
I'm sure there are some constraints / rules / guidelines for most every volunteer gig. But just because one doesn't click doesn't mean all volunteering is remotely the same.
Also, there is no guarantee you are going to make friends and find a spouse. But one, you are doing good which often times does make you feel better (this has been studied to be true), you're helping others, and it gives you a chance to move away from thinking about your own woes for a while. And it certainly gives you a better chance of meeting people that watching movies on your couch.
It's like by the time you get to my age, you either already are married with kids on the way, or you were popular and still in contact with most everyone. Me, I can go out practically anytime and not see anyone I know, so I am very isolated.
You've gotta be kidding me.
When I was 25, people were just starting to go out and get their lives started.
I really didn't know anybody who was married and had kids before the age of 30. And that included my more conservative friends.
Of course, when you hit 35, that changes drastically.
But I'm pretty confident to say that in almost every city, most suburbs and even a lot of rural places, 25 is still young.
I try not to get personally involved with current colleagues. If you're in that small of a town, there are likely other disadvantages to being there. You might want to move.
OP, social occasions are way over rated. Do you really feel you need interaction with other people? Because it's a lot of hassle and while some people thrive on it, others can be happiest with only one or two social interactions a week. I'm the latter - I can go weeks without socializing and I'm happy that way. People are a pain in the rear.
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