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Pre-emptive thought - I realize that it's something I did/do that is the root cause of the problem. How would you handle the situation going forward?
So...
I was just told this morning to "Bro, don't take it personal" twice in a text. It's in reference to an event yesterday that my normal group of friends (5 of us total, the other 4 are two married couples with 2 kids each) excluded me from, after doing the exact same thing on Tuesday (and I thought we had a great time). Instead of being up front with me in the morning about wanting a "family" day, the truth was twisted and a few lies were told and it blew up in my friends face when I walked into the staging area for the event (a local boat club, I just happened to be swinging by for a bag of ice, bad timing for him and me I guess) and his kid threw him under the bus (too young to not understand that I, Uncle Tim, as the kids call me, was not invited even though he always has been for the past 3 or 4 years) on three various lies that had all transpired in the previous 60 mins of this moment.
Apparently the two mothers of the group decided they wanted to do a family only day (even though the two groups are not actually "family"). After getting into it with my guy friend that I knew since college (we are 35 years old now) he told me twice to not take it personal. I basically told him that he doesn't get to tell me how to feel and that it is VERY personal and that I'd rather know the true feelings of people who are supposed to be my REAL friends and that I'd deal with it on my side from there. Would prefer to know which parties I shouldn't show up to vs walking into one clueless that people don't want me there!
I just don't get how people are not supposed to take things personal when it is indeed their own personality that is causing people to not want them around (me!).
In my case I guess I just wont be hanging out with what I thought was a nice group of friends anymore, if 2 of the wives don't like me enough to go out of their way to make plans and exclude me on purpose to the point that my friend has to lie about it.....nothing else needs to be said. A party that 50% of the people don't like you at isn't going to be much fun.
What do you think? Am I reading this wrong and jumping to conclusions, or do I have it right on the mark?
Apparently the two mothers of the group decided they wanted to do a family only day (even though the two groups are not actually "family"). After getting into it with my guy friend that I knew since college (we are 35 years old now) he told me twice to not take it personal. I basically told him that he doesn't get to tell me how to feel and that it is VERY personal and that I'd rather know the true feelings of people who are supposed to be my REAL friends and that I'd deal with it on my side from there. Would prefer to know which parties I shouldn't show up to vs walking into one clueless that people don't want me there!
Having a family only day has nothing to do with whether or not they are actually "family". They are families ... that is, parents and children. They want to do family things that probably focus on the kids. They don't want to be worried about having to make sure the conversation and activities don't exclude the friend who doesn't have kids. There's nothing wrong with that. It actually shows that they're trying to be thoughtful.
They have no obligation to include you every time.
Having a family only day has nothing to do with whether or not they are actually "family". They are families ... that is, parents and children. They want to do family things that probably focus on the kids. They don't want to be worried about having to make sure the conversation and activities don't exclude the friend who doesn't have kids. There's nothing wrong with that. It actually shows that they're trying to be thoughtful.
They have no obligation to include you every time.
I agree, they have a right to invite who they want and when. This wasn’t a diss on you, they just wanted a occasion that focused on their children, meaning they wanted their kids to have full attention from their fathers.
Ugh. Two separate threads misusing "personal" (adjective) when the sentence calls for an adverb. It's "personally" people!
Got that off my chest. Thanks.
To answer the OP, please understand that the lies were meant to spare your feelings, and the non-invite was because they wanted to do more kid-oriented ("family") things at this get-together that they felt you would not be interested in.
Your friends were being kind, but after the way you reacted, blowing up and accusing them, I'd be surprised if another invite ever comes your way.
Do you often misunderstand situations and then overreact? That must be tiresome for all involved.
First of all, it's "don't take it PERSONALLY," not "personal."
People sometimes want to get-together in other ways than including every single friend they know. That is okay. You should have enough of your own interests/friends to be okay with people getting together without including you. If it's a big party, then yes, if you are a friend, you "should" be included.
If it's just a couple of couples, then it's okay for them to get-together without you. It changes the dynamic to have extra people when it's couples and kids.
Why would you assume that parents wanting to spend time alone with their respective families a diss against you and that the wives don't like you? Can not the parents spend time with their children without 'Uncle Tim' around?
Maybe the parents couldn't tell 'Uncle Tim' the truth (that each family wanted to spend time as a family day) because 'Uncle Tim' would misinterpret the situation and make it all about him.
Where were the lies? Did they say that they weren't going to this thing that they actually did go to?
The bottom line is that your feelings were hurt, and that sucks, but a couples/family day is not a betrayal of your friendship. In a group of friends, not everyone has to be invited to everything all the time, and based on your reaction, you're going to get fewer invitations.
No one is obligated to hang with anyone else, and complaining about not being included makes people want to hang out with you less.
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And, as usual, a flock of C-D doogooders mis-reading the post into what They want it to be.
"family" lied to OP, then told him not to take the lies personally. Sorry, but when people lie to me, I tend to get upset too. It has NOTHING to do with the 2 couples wanting a day with only their spouses and children. Nothing. It has everything to do with the fact that they lied to the OP and got caught, then tried to shift the blame of Their lies onto him.
The lies weren't posted people, they are irrelevant. Simply knowing that the OP was told false information meant to obscure the truth is enough, what those words were have no relevance. If they'd simply stated that the day was focused around the kids and couples, the OP might have been a little peeved, and if THAT had been posted as the reason for the hurt feelings then dogpiling on him might be warranted. But that's not the case.
OP, I'm part of a childless couple. I get this sht from both ends... single friends who don't want couples tagging along and couples with kids who don't want those without kids tagging along. Sucks, but people tend to be Most comfortable with those who share their immediate situation. So long as Everyone is honest about what they want out of an outing, it's no big deal. Trust me, I don't find joy in spending a day at a kiddie park (or a night at dance clubs getting drunk and looking for a hook-up). Took a little yelling to get that across to those people I socialize with, but they Eventually managed to grasp the concept that I want to hang out with them only when they want to hang out with me. Things have gone along Much better since then, though there were several weeks of radio silence each time this has come up.
Make Certain these friends understand that being lied to is the issue here, not that they wanted a day out without you. Because the "it's not personal" thing, they assume you think they didn't want to hang out with you. No clue, none at all, that you might be upset over being lied to.
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