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We all know there are people who live in the past. Some relive their glory days over and over. Others like to remind you of your most embarrassing and traumatic moments in life and seem obsessed with that. What is that really about?
I remember after I graduated high school I ran into a lot of classmates and acquaintances who were still stuck in high school mode and would come up to me, force an awkward conversation, and bring up "Remember when this embarrassing situation happened to you?" "That was so sad when you got booed at your graduation ceremony! I am so so sorry." "Remember that horrible girl you used to go out with. That was such a scandal." "I remember you kept talking about a certain movie over and over. It's like you were so obsessed it." They have no interest in focusing on your strengths, your positives, or being in the present moment just obsessing about your past with a fine tooth comb while not allowing any input from you. It's really very circular.
There are also family members who are like that as well. If they haven't seen you in a while. They start bringing up awkward, embarrassing, or traumatic situations that you went through many years ago and had almost forgotten about if it weren't for them bringing it up. They have no interest in focusing on your strengths or your positives or living in the present moment. There even might be family you see everyday who constantly brings up your past in circular monologues. It almost seems like their obsession.
All of that sounds strange, OP. It's especially strange that so many people in your environment, including family members, cling to derogatory memories of you, and like to bring up those incidents. Do personality disorders run in your family? Have you talked to either of your parents about this, to get their perspective?
I think it is OK to tell your family that you are tired of them bringing up past issues, and to please stop. I also think a good response for when they do this is ti simply look at them without responding. There are people who do this, and I think it is an expression of hostility. It is possible these people want to keep you “in your place?”
For friends who talk about old stuff, I think the simple stare is fine. Walk away if you want to. And, find new friends.
I can only think of one person in my life who ever did this. Not an acquaintance (someone I had some choice about knowing or not knowing) it was a sibling. The reason was obvious...she was trying to convince herself that she was superior to me at that time and still is. Doesn't really work, which is why she kept trying. Now that I "get" this, I refuse to engage and either walk off or shut her down. Now she knows she can't get me to rise to the bait. End of cycle.
It is strange and unpleasant but I'm just reporting the truth. I stopped speaking with everyone I knew from high school. I was very unpopular so that was very easy to do. There was no point speaking with frenemies anymore either.
You ask if personality disorders run in my family which I am not sure of at all but it is possible. My toxic parent is the one who used to bring up all the embarrassing moments from my childhood. There is no point getting their perspective.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
All of that sounds strange, OP. It's especially strange that so many people in your environment, including family members, cling to derogatory memories of you, and like to bring up those incidents. Do personality disorders run in your family? Have you talked to either of your parents about this, to get their perspective?
It is strange and unpleasant but I'm just reporting the truth. I stopped speaking with everyone I knew from high school. I was very unpopular so that was very easy to do. There was no point speaking with frenemies anymore either.
You ask if personality disorders run in my family which I am not sure of at all but it is possible. My toxic parent is the one who used to bring up all the embarrassing moments from my childhood. There is no point getting their perspective.
OK, well this makes a lot more sense. And you've cut those people off (except for the parent, which is a more difficult thing to do--cut off a parent), which is a good sign. I didn't like my school, and wasn't popular either (for what that's worth; not much IMO), so I never sought out people from HS. I've avoided all possibility of being found by my class and my school alumni association, by not even having a social media presence. Maybe some of your former schoolmates live in your neighborhood, so they were hard to avoid? I don't know why anyone would seek out or tolerate contacts with people they had issues with in HS, anyway.
So, I guess my point in response to your original question is, that no, I haven't had that to deal with, because I avoided people I knew would be problematic. I'm sure the potential for an experience similar to yours was there; there definitely are people like that in the world, but usually, one guards against those kinds of interactions, by avoiding people known to be jerks.
So, moving on from a situation it sounds like you're pretty much remedied, what are you doing now, to build a healthy, supportive social circle for yourself? That can be challenging, when coming form the kind of background you've had. You're by no means alone, in facing these challenges, btw. Or have you reached a good place in life, where that's all resolved?
I ran into the frenemies and acquaintances at community college or around town at restaurants. They forced the conversations on me or would call my house to have a really obtuse conversation. Also some people I thought were friends and just showed themselves to be useless frenemies. It took a while to get rid of them. I was just recently remembering the aftermath of all that trauma. I went through a lot and then it was made worse to have some close family members like that.
I still haven't found too many that I can trust though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
OK, well this makes a lot more sense. And you've cut those people off (except for the parent, which is a more difficult thing to do--cut off a parent), which is a good sign. I didn't like my school, and wasn't popular either (for what that's worth; not much IMO), so I never sought out people from HS. I've avoided all possibility of being found by my class and my school alumni association, by not even having a social media presence. Maybe some of your former schoolmates live in your neighborhood, so they were hard to avoid? I don't know why anyone would seek out or tolerate contacts with people they had issues with in HS, anyway.
So, I guess my point in response to your original question is, that no, I haven't had that to deal with, because I avoided people I knew would be problematic. I'm sure the potential for an experience similar to yours was there; there definitely are people like that in the world, but usually, one guards against those kinds of interactions, by avoiding people known to be jerks.
So, moving on from a situation it sounds like you're pretty much remedied, what are you doing now, to build a healthy, supportive social circle for yourself? That can be challenging, when coming form the kind of background you've had. You're by no means alone, in facing these challenges, btw. Or have you reached a good place in life, where that's all resolved?
I've seen this with a female relative about an instance in her daughter's life when the daughter was 3 or 4 years old. The child said something about going to the bathroom that apparently embarrassed her mother. The mother mentioned this instance a number of times even after the child grew into adulthood.
We all know there are people who live in the past. Some relive their glory days over and over. Others like to remind you of your most embarrassing and traumatic moments in life and seem obsessed with that. What is that really about?
I have a bunch of relatives who cannot let go of something that happened to me when I was 18. For them, they view it as the ultimate sin against the family. I think they bring it up as a means to shift their shame and guilt for their own BS in order to make themselves feel better. As for myself, I don't speak to those people. I only hear about their gossip through a small amount of relatives whom I do communicate with. I may not be able to pick and choose who my relatives are. However, I can pick and choose who I socialize with.
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