Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I live with someone who's the center of his own solar system. 1. Until he learns how to be considerate and actually CARE about someone but himself, he probably will never have friends. 2. He's always complaining that his kids never call him. That kills me. We're all so busy. If you want to talk PICK THE PHONE UP. It works both ways.
OP maybe your friends enjoy following your lead. Maybe they depend on you to get the ball rolling. Is it really so difficult for you that the time you spend with them isn't worth the trouble? (Sorry...I'm cranky)
Do you think that’s a general state of being for all people, or do you think it’s influenced by where you live? My husband and I have a hard time making friends here in So. Cal, even with people our age and in the same stage of life. I’ve always felt it would be easier if we moved somewhere else, like the Midwest where I’ve heard people are friendlier and more receptive. Or maybe that’s an erroneous perception. Or maybe it’s just us. It’s not as though we don’t try, but people are always too busy for this or that, or don’t reciprocate after an initial get together. It seems common for people to suggest getting together more as a conversation ender rather than as a solid plan for a specific future date. When I and/or my husband have said, “Sure, we’d/I’d love to do that; when would be a good date for you?” We’re given a vague, “Oh let’s touch base and figure that out,” but nothing ever comes of it. I have a 3 tries rule and after that it’s on the other person to make plans if they’re genuinely interested. That’s usually where it ends because no one seems interested. I know it can’t just be us, because many others have complained about the very same thing.
I lived in the Midwest In the 70’s for a few years, and just recently the last 17 years , and made some of the dearest lifelong friends I’ve ever had. Yes people are friendly in the Midwest in general but it seems they WANT to nurture friendships. I still Skype with my bestie once a week, and maintain my friendships via snail mail, text, or pm on fb which probably explains why having no friends here in my new state doesn’t bother me. It’s like pulling teeth around our neighbourhood just to get a hello and make eye contact,very strange. Here in my new state I see the same issue you have in s.cal. I don’t think it’s you either.
I don't know that there are rules of engagement for friendship unless the two parties sit down and define what those are... I can consider myself "friends" with someone and rarely or never see them (I'm quite independent, self-sufficient, and happy keeping my own company), whereas others have to be in constant verbal and physical contact for that term to apply to them. How much and what kind of contact is "enough"? It's a highly individual matter.
I think if they never call or try to initiate any kind of activity,then they really aren’t friends But perhaps more friendly aquaintances. Like you I have friends who are hardly in contact, but the thing is it’s not a one sided deal. They sometimes contact me and sometimes I contact them,but we are always there for each other if there is a crisis.
Just to update we only have one set a couple that does this . All of our other friends call , want to play cards etc and go out to eat . This is just one couple that do this the no calling and making plans thing. When they first met us they even said "we don't have many friends " and now I kind of know why . Because they don't make an effort . I do think I have come to my limit with them though .
If making the effort is important to you, then that will always be a valid consideration on how to determine the strength (or weakness) of a friendship. I am like you a little. If I am going to make an effort to do special things, then I want my "friends" to do the same. Now, as has been stated by many, some are not going to initiate or make plans and the like. They are still good people. They are people (for my personality type) I question and put some distance between me and them.
I live with someone who's the center of his own solar system. 1. Until he learns how to be considerate and actually CARE about someone but himself, he probably will never have friends. 2. He's always complaining that his kids never call him. That kills me. We're all so busy. If you want to talk PICK THE PHONE UP. It works both ways.
Why do you live with this person? Is this a roommate? How annoying. I'd work on getting a place of my own for some peace and sanity.
What I mean by this post is when you have a set of friends that you have to do all the calling , picking a date and place to go eat at and then you don't hear from them unless you call . I think people like this make being friends work as in tedious and aggravating . I just wonder why some treat friendships like this .
What you are describing above is what's called doing all the scut work. It's demeaning.
Wake up and smell the coffee. They aren't really close friends and you are behaving too needy if that is what's happening with your circle of friends. Close friends don't take advantage and make you be the only one working at maintaining the friendship.
Make yourself less accessible to them, create a little bit of distance from them, don't come across as being needy of their time and attention. Stop bending over backwards doing all the scut work for them just so that you can have the privilege of associating with them. And expand your circle of friends - find some more friends who are more like minded and in sync with you.
'You never call, never initiate anything, I pay for everything when we DO go out, and while we're out you ignore my attempts at any conversation about myself and my life. Sigh...I'm gonna still be there for you, but man, you're making this friendship difficult.'
-A doormat
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
