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If the family member always has a hand out, that is a problem.
However, I have a cousin who gives to charity but gave her 75 year old uncle an empty card for his bday. Like, even a $25 gift card to a restaurant would've been fine. And when I got badly cut on a cruise and needed something to stop the bleeding, she refused to give me her cruise ship towel because of the $25 non-return charge (even after I told her she could take mine which was further away). Then her mom offered me my cousins dirty sock (instead of a clean pair that she had) to put on my open wound. I guess the apple doesn't fall from the tree. I still love my cousin and aunt, but that was 8 years ago and I don't think i will ever forget how they treated me and how bad it made me feel.
I find they like helping others, not their own. It's more the showy part of giving rather than actually caring about those in need, or trying to help them out of the need.
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
Weird story. The cruise ship charges guests for dirty towels?
And you are hanging onto this 8 years later?
I probably would be also if a family member treated me like that.
"Close" might be the wrong word, but they do see and talk to one another fairly regularly and seem to get along well. She doesn't seem to be offended or upset that they don't help...just not surprised. In fact, other family members encouraged her to ask for help from them because she was the one who said, "I'm not going to ask them, they're not going to help, and I'm only going to have to hear their mouth." (she was right)
They were disappointed that she married shortly after high school and had kids fairly young, but they didn't believe in helping their kids pay for their college educations, either, so it wasn't a situation where she passed up some big opportunity or anything...
She ended up going back to school for phlebotomy while she was married, but she only worked part-time at the time. Her and her husband recently got a divorce, and she's struggled since then. From what I can gather, he left her with a lot of past-due bills, like rent. Her landlord is working with her on the rent, but it's taking most of her paychecks to try to get that money caught up.
Her parents think she has made a lot of bad decisions along the way (not going to college, marrying too young, marrying the wrong person, having kids too young), and they aren't wrong. BUT, she's trying so hard. Again, I don't think she has any drug problems or anything like that. She also doesn't seem to live a very extravagant lifestyle...she does have an SUV, but it's probably 10-15 years old? She works full-time but doesn't make very much.
Their electricity got turned off...and a few of us family members pooled the money to help her get it turned back on. She's been struggling a bit with food, clothes and school supplies for the kids, etc., because she's been trying to get caught up on the past due rent...a few of us helped, and she seemed so appreciative, and I even helped her go over her expenses/bills/pay to help her get back on track...and I think she will...
But my main thing is this...What type of people do my more well-to-do family members think these charities that they donate to are helping?
They're helping people like the family member that I described...but also drug addicts, people who don't work, etc.
This woman is trying so hard...she hit a rough patch, which happens. Again, it's not their responsibility to help her. But I can't imagine bragging about donating to all of these organizations while my own family members were doing without basic necessities like power and food.
I'm having a hard time understanding the mentality. I really am.
I appreciate the time you took to respond. Perhaps they know her well enough to know that once the help starts it will never stop and they don’t want to enable a long term pattern of poor decisions. Sometimes the best way to help someone is to empower or help them help themselves. There are a lot of support groups and services that your struggling relative can go to. Food banks ,church groups and 211 come to mind. My one big question is what sort of father doesn’t provide food for his children, and did he pay the electric bill at all,or child support? How old are the children?
"Close" might be the wrong word, but they do see and talk to one another fairly regularly and seem to get along well. She doesn't seem to be offended or upset that they don't help...just not surprised. In fact, other family members encouraged her to ask for help from them because she was the one who said, "I'm not going to ask them, they're not going to help, and I'm only going to have to hear their mouth." (she was right)
They were disappointed that she married shortly after high school and had kids fairly young, but they didn't believe in helping their kids pay for their college educations, either, so it wasn't a situation where she passed up some big opportunity or anything...
She ended up going back to school for phlebotomy while she was married, but she only worked part-time at the time. Her and her husband recently got a divorce, and she's struggled since then. From what I can gather, he left her with a lot of past-due bills, like rent. Her landlord is working with her on the rent, but it's taking most of her paychecks to try to get that money caught up.
Her parents think she has made a lot of bad decisions along the way (not going to college, marrying too young, marrying the wrong person, having kids too young), and they aren't wrong. BUT, she's trying so hard. Again, I don't think she has any drug problems or anything like that. She also doesn't seem to live a very extravagant lifestyle...she does have an SUV, but it's probably 10-15 years old? She works full-time but doesn't make very much.
Their electricity got turned off...and a few of us family members pooled the money to help her get it turned back on. She's been struggling a bit with food, clothes and school supplies for the kids, etc., because she's been trying to get caught up on the past due rent...a few of us helped, and she seemed so appreciative, and I even helped her go over her expenses/bills/pay to help her get back on track...and I think she will...
But my main thing is this...What type of people do my more well-to-do family members think these charities that they donate to are helping?
They're helping people like the family member that I described...but also drug addicts, people who don't work, etc.
This woman is trying so hard...she hit a rough patch, which happens. Again, it's not their responsibility to help her. But I can't imagine bragging about donating to all of these organizations while my own family members were doing without basic necessities like power and food.
I'm having a hard time understanding the mentality. I really am.
How old is she and do you know how well she spends her money? When shopping for food does she do convenience meals? It may be worth it to show her how to save this way too
As for food banks, she would have to prove she has a need from what I'm seeing they want proof of income in my county. Should be able to google county/state food banks to get a list. My town has a center where they do one, they also hand out other things so they may have school supplies. Worth it to see if there is something similar there, also reach out to school to see if they have some supplies from donors.
Her parents should be ashamed of themselves. She made the best of her choices. No need to take it out on the grand kids. What if she got evicted?
By the way, she should call an emergency court hearing in family court for money from her ex, the judge will grant it and make him pay. She could also get 1/2 of the bank account if she acts fast. She doesn't need an attorney, just fill out the family court form saying he left her will bills, she needs support.
One reason for charity opposed to helping family; resentment and greed from family members without a need. As though somethings been taken away from them. Consequently, charity chosen over family except maybe in whats deemed dire circumstances.
The narcissist who likes their name credited for charities a self esteem builder. There always needs to be something in it for them and it ain't the tax write-off.
I have a niece who when she was younger stole from pretty much everyone in the family. Nothing big, but if I was at the same place she was and I had change in the car, I'd find the change was gone when I got in the car. Same with a metal pan I used to keep in the house where my then-husband and I would put our change, and sometimes with his change there would be screws and nuts and bolts from his work mixed among the change. One time after she was visited we found the pan turned upside down and the hardware on the dresser but all the money gone.
She lost two supermarket cashier jobs because the register came up short, and both times there was some long convoluted story about a gift certificate not ringing up correctly but they blamed her and fired her.
Anyway, she had a kid at 19 and somehow the father wasn't the father so she got no child support, then she met another loser and spit out four more kids with him. At one point, maybe two kids in, I felt bad for her because they had no money and I sent her a few hundred dollars. In return I got a typed note saying that anytime I want to give her money, she'd be happy to take it.
I didn't give her anything again until this past year. Time has passed, she is 40, finally threw out the loser father of her younger four kids and decided to grow up. The oldest kid is an adult and out on his own, and she has gotten herself a job with her state DOT and also has a little side business selling bait in the summer to people who come up to fish in the lake near where she lives.
I saw she was trying and that she isn't going to be getting any child support out of the man, so I have given her a few bucks here and there. She actually said 'thank you'.
What if family member needs help because they lost their job and can't find another?
The economy is booming. All you have to do is pull into a different driveway, walk in the door, and you're hired.
It is absolute hand-to-hand combat to hire talented employees. Lack of talented & skilled employees is the biggest impediment to even stronger economic growth.
I’ve always gotten the impression that some people like helping causes and strangers because it makes them feel good about themselves or helps with networking. Helping family members usually does neither. I know someone who will go to the ends of the earth for friends, but is always busy or imposed upon when a sibling asks her. I am a good friend of hers and one of her relatives and noticed the difference. Most people I’ve ever known who always seem to have the other family member’s backs are those in which the parents raised them to be tight, there was no favoritism, and family loyalty was expected. It made it especially more so when they had the same views and values. I think every situation is unique and I don’t think a general expectation of what is right or wrong can be put on everyone, but I do think some people could probably do better by family.
How old is she and do you know how well she spends her money? When shopping for food does she do convenience meals? It may be worth it to show her how to save this way too
As for food banks, she would have to prove she has a need from what I'm seeing they want proof of income in my county. Should be able to google county/state food banks to get a list. My town has a center where they do one, they also hand out other things so they may have school supplies. Worth it to see if there is something similar there, also reach out to school to see if they have some supplies from donors.
Her parents should be ashamed of themselves. She made the best of her choices. No need to take it out on the grand kids. What if she got evicted?
By the way, she should call an emergency court hearing in family court for money from her ex, the judge will grant it and make him pay. She could also get 1/2 of the bank account if she acts fast. She doesn't need an attorney, just fill out the family court form saying he left her will bills, she needs support.
I’m not ready to shame her parents when we have no clue on the dynamics ,we don’t even know the age of the children or the geographical distance, or other methods they’ve tried to help, and why does the father of these children get a pass, maybe he aught to be ashamed of himself. It seems this mother has a long history of making poor choices and if people keep bailing her out then perhaps she isn’t going to learn how to fight for herself and stop making poor choices. Like you said there are a LOT of services she can call on for school supplies,food, emergency electric etc.
I have a very very dear friend who is useless with money and I bailed her out quite a few times until I realized she got comfortable thinking me and others could bail her out and I was getting tapped out. She is her own worst enemy but I will no longer bank roll her poor decisions. I will pay for her lunch once in a while, on holidays or birthdays I send her gift certificates from local businesses she can use but I’ve stopped being her bank.
No. I'm thankfully in a position where I don't need help from anyone. I don't mean that in a bragging way...things can and do change for people, no matter how well they plan or try. But no.
I asked the question because I have some fairly well-to-do family members who make a big production of donating large amounts of money to various different charities, but there are other members of the family who are really struggling. In particular, they have grandchildren who are doing without some necessities.
When they've been approached for help in the past, they not only say "no" but have been quite nasty about it.
My thing is this...let's say your grandchildren are doing without food. Their electricity was even shut off for a few days until other family members helped. The grandparents are approached and asked for help. They say no, that the mother needs to get a second job, but she does work a full-time job and doesn't have any drug problems or anything that I know of.
That's fine. Of course, it's not their responsibility to help anyone, and there are other family members who step in and help (and the help has been much-appreciated).
But would it leave a bad taste in your mouth that the same well-to-do family members regularly brag about donating to charities for food, holiday gifts and clothes, etc. for needy families?
This is just one example.
My thing is...how can you be so giving to other needy families but so hateful toward your own needy family members? And why is it assumed that the recipients from those charities "need" it more than the family members that you know and are otherwise close to, who you know work hard and try? How do we not know that many of these needy families that are being donated to don't have people who might not be working at all (even though they could), or who have drug problems, etc?
It's not the hill I'm going to die on, but it's left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth, and I just wanted to see what others' thoughts were.
I agree with you. First, I feel that making a big production out of donating to charity is wrong and second, if their own grandchildren are doing without necessities (and they can afford to help) they should help. Especially, if they brag about helping needy strangers with the very same things (food, gifts, clothes). To me that is so very wrong.
Now, it would be different if the elementary age grandchildren were doing without things because they were drug addicts/bad people/whatever but, obviously they are not. The grandchildren are completely innocent and just caught up in their parent's misfortune.
Last edited by germaine2626; 09-30-2018 at 10:15 AM..
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