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I get all of that. I really do. But don't you think you're making her life much more difficult? Presumably she lives at home and commutes to school. Not having a car for 4 months, especially as she's just starting college, is a pretty big deal.
I'm not trying to tell you how to parent, and I very much understand what you're trying to accomplish. I do wonder if this is a mistake though. It was an accident. Adjusting to college can be difficult even without obstacles.
I see what you’re saying, and we did weigh that into our decision. This is the 2nd accident in less than 6 months. We gave her a break on her 1st accident and shared the cost of the repairs with her. We also warned her that the next one would be her responsibility 100%. She dodged multiple bullets in both situations: both accidents were fender benders that didn’t injure or kill her or anyone else, we kept both accidents off of insurance, she didn’t get a ticket, she didn’t get a point on her license, and the other driver let her go without making a huge fuss or calling the police.
Of course it’s going to be a PITA for her to get around for 4 months. But that’s the point. She needs this experience to help her mature. She’ll be able to get around decently with Uber, the bus, rides from friends, and occasional rides from us. She has friends who don’t have cars and rely on public transportation, so she’s seen it in action and knows it’s possible. Plus, she took the bus for about a year before she got her drivers license. She actually has more transportation options now than she did in high school. She’ll be fine.
I wouldn't believe the swerving to avoid a bunny thing either unless I saw it. Not sure how you get $1500 worth of damage from running your wheel into a curb at a reasonable speed. Highways don't have curbs, so she wasn't going 60.
I'm a little concerned about her driving as well. A few driving lessons wouldn't hurt and two accidents in six months is a little alarming.
Quote:
Originally Posted by FairMindedLL
I see what you’re saying, and we did weigh that into our decision. This is the 2nd accident in less than 6 months. We gave her a break on her 1st accident and shared the cost of the repairs with her. We also warned her that the next one would be her responsibility 100%. She dodged multiple bullets in both situations: both accidents were fender benders that didn’t injure or kill her or anyone else, we kept both accidents off of insurance, she didn’t get a ticket, she didn’t get a point on her license, and the other driver let her go without making a huge fuss or calling the police.
Of course it’s going to be a PITA for her to get around for 4 months. But that’s the point. She needs this experience to help her mature. She’ll be able to get around decently with Uber, the bus, rides from friends, and occasional rides from us. She has friends who don’t have cars and rely on public transportation, so she’s seen it in action and knows it’s possible. Plus, she took the bus for about a year before she got her drivers license. She actually has more transportation options now than she did in high school. She’ll be fine.
Five stars OP! I think you've handled this perfectly!
I get all of that. I really do. But don't you think you're making her life much more difficult? Presumably she lives at home and commutes to school. Not having a car for 4 months, especially as she's just starting college, is a pretty big deal.
I'm not trying to tell you how to parent, and I very much understand what you're trying to accomplish. I do wonder if this is a mistake though. It was an accident. Adjusting to college can be difficult even without obstacles.
Yes, you are trying to tell the OP how to parent and you missed the part where the daughter gets free Uber from her college.
You may have mentioned this but how old is the daughter? If she's over 18 then she needs to pay for the repairs herself unless she's absolutely dead broke. Also, the fact that she called you immediately makes her sound a little.....helpless and immature. Maybe she needs to grow up a bit?? Maybe some tough love would do her good??
You may have mentioned this but how old is the daughter? If she's over 18 then she needs to pay for the repairs herself unless she's absolutely dead broke. Also, the fact that she called you immediately makes her sound a little.....helpless and immature. Maybe she needs to grow up a bit?? Maybe some tough love would do her good??
I thought that’s what we were doing by making her save up and pay for it rather than bailing her out.
FTR she’s not quite 18. I’m glad she called. Together we handled it better than if she was on her own. Our job as parents is to help her navigate these new situations so she can learn to handle them independently as she matures.
Pay it, have her pay you back plus credit card interest fees if they occur.
I'd give her a choice of getting her own insurance, since she owns the car, or staying on yours IF she takes a few driving classes.
I wouldn't believe the swerving to avoid a bunny thing either unless I saw it. Not sure how you get $1500 worth of damage from running your wheel into a curb at a reasonable speed. Highways don't have curbs, so she wasn't going 60.
My husband DID see her swerve suddenly from his rear view mirror. He was driving ahead of her on his way to work while she was behind him on her way to school.
We have a lot of wild rabbits around our neighborhood. Oddly, we’re not in a rural area, but I see at least 1 dead bunny per week on the road.
We live in So Cal. Everything is expensive here, including car repairs. That was after we’d shopped it around with 2 repair places that we know and trust.
But don't you think you're making her life much more difficult? Presumably she lives at home and commutes to school. Not having a car for 4 months, especially as she's just starting college, is a pretty big deal.
Life IS difficult. She'll never learn if mom and dad bail her out every time. I think their decision is more than fair.
If it was me, she would be off my insurance immediately. That would be a hard (and expensive) lesson, but it would get her attention. 2 accidents in 6 months is pretty alarming.
Isn’t this insurance fraud? I don’t know if he was uninsured or not. And we would still have to tell the whole true story, so they may still assign at least partial blame to her and our insurance will get dinged.
Do you know his information? You don’t know if he has insurance or not, nor his name, so in theory it is a hit and run.
It would seem that way, but some of her poor decisions have altered how we are responding to this situation. If she had shown responsibility in her expenditures and in how she’s managing her school & work schedules vs. her social life, we might be more willing to extend her credit. Helping her out of this particular situation isn’t a requirement, it’s a favor. But the favor is based on certain information and a certain set of circumstances. When the circumstances or information change, so does the nature of the favor. If she had shown some restraint in her spending habits and waited until we got the repair quote before spending money on a non-essential item like her nails, that would have shown some responsibility and maturity. But she couldn’t delay her gratification. She was also a little too eager to leave early from her job last weekend because she was tired and feeling run down. But she stayed out late the night before, on a weekend when she was scheduled to work 3 days in a row, despite my suggestion that she come home early to rest. She’s only had the job a month and is still getting accustomed to working and going to school. We’ve had many conversations about how to balance school, work, and social life, all of which she’s cheerfully ignored because, hey, she’s almost 18 and knows better. Instead she ended up sick as a result of burning the candle at both ends, just like I predicted she would. She had to miss 2 of her college classes this week so she could rest. This isn’t responsible behavior. This isn’t good decision making. If she loses her job because she isn’t managing her time well and gets sick again, how is she going to pay back her debt to us? Then we’re stuck paying the bill. By paying the bill herself, the responsibility falls solely on her, like it would for any other fully functioning adult.
In the past, when we’ve paid for some non-essential item in advance (like a gift for one of her friends) with the promise that she’d pay us back through extra household chores, it would take months of nagging and threats to finally get her to do what she promised. When we made her earn the money in advance, she was motivated to get things done quickly. The nails and how she’s managing her job, plus past behavior, are all indications that we might not get paid back in a timely fashion, if at all. If she’s forced to save up for it herself, I won’t have to beg, cajole, or threaten to get her to pay me back. She can make her own decisions about how she spends or saves her money, and it will all be on her timetable, not mine. In other words, we’re treating her like an adult, instead of like parents who are bailing their kid out. She also won’t have to pay our credit card interest since she’ll be paying cash for the repairs. And instead of taking a year or longer to pay off her debt, she could have the money saved in less than 4 months. It’s her choice.
These are all lessons that she desperately needs at this point in her life. Bailing her out doesn’t do her any good. How many times have we criticized others for repeatedly bailing out their college age/adult children to the point of ridiculousness. For the last 6 months she’s been pulling the “I’m almost 18” card on us any time we disagree with her choices, so we’re happy to treat her as an adult. Adults don’t get bailed out by mommy and daddy. She needs a wake up call. Careless or irresponsible behavior has consequences and true adults deal with those consequences. That means she gets to pay for the repairs like the adult she wants to be.
You get sick from germs, not from lack of rest...
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I thought that’s what we were doing by making her save up and pay for it rather than bailing her out. 
