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...what would you do? I'm not really asking for advice, as I know that I'll just be ignoring it unless it comes up again, but I'm interested in hearing what other people would do or say in a similar situation. The background story is a bit long, so bear with me.
Shortly after I became the music director at my church, our long-time, excellent piano accompanist retired and we gave the job to our substitute. I'll call her Linda. Linda was sweet most of the time, but quite sensitive and defensive, a bit spacey, and not a very good accompanist. She was a good pianist in solo or improvisational situations, but could not count out rudimentary rhythms, would regularly skip beats or entire measures, could not (or would not) follow my tempo on anthems, and routinely "lost" the lists of music she had been told to prepare. But, as you do in a small church, we made the best of it. I spent a lot of time trying to work with her to improve her skills and confidence, but made little headway.
About a year after she took over accompanist duties, her daughter was killed in a suspected domestic violence incident. Linda was, of course, absolutely devastated. As the church, we did as much as we could to support her. The choir sang at her daughter's memorial, and the church provided meals for some time. We commissioned a choral anthem in memory of her daughter. We allowed Linda to decide if and when to return to accompanying, and I filled in for a few weeks in the meantime. She did choose to come back after some time out of state, but her fragile mental state made working with her extremely difficult. Outside of the extenuating circumstances she would have been fired; but, given the situation, we made extensive allowances.
As time went on, she became more and more consumed by anger, mostly directed at law enforcement who were not treating her daughter's case the way she hoped. I don't know the specifics, but I do know that she staged several protests and became increasingly resentful that church members were not assisting her in those efforts as much as she thought we should. She also became increasingly unreliable at rehearsal, flat out refusing to practice certain hymns, and retreating into her own mind while playing such that it was impossible to keep accompaniment and choir in sync. This was obvious to the congregation, but again, we all wanted to indulge her as much as possible given the terrible tragedy she was coping with.
The breaking point came when the choir was rehearsing a new hymn, which Linda had not practiced and was unable to sight-read. Since she seemed to learn better by imitation, I offered to play the hymn first so that she could hear what it should sound like. Instead of listening, she left the room, then returned to collect her husband and left, without a word to anyone. A few days later the church received a letter excoriating myself and the pastor, claiming that we sabotaged her in an effort to push her out, that I wanted her job, and that the congregation didn't care at all about her daughter or do anything to support her in her grief. None of it was true, but we chalked it up to the grieving process and let it be. I do know that quite a few people reached out to her in the weeks following, myself included, but I don't know if anyone got any sort of response. I took over as accompanist; initially because we had no other options, and eventually they just stopped looking for someone else because it was working out okay.
That was nearly five years ago, and I've not seen or heard anything from her since, until this morning. I responded to a request for church recommendations on everyone's favorite social media site, and got a response from Linda filled with foul language and the same misconstrued allegations from her resignation letter. Having never lost a child, I would not presume to judge her grief, but I am saddened that she is still holding on to such anger and has not been able to find any measure of peace. I thought of saying as much, but after discussing with my (current, different) pastor decided again to let it be.
It's frustrating, because I hate that she can sully my church's reputation (and mine, naturally) without any pushback, but I also know that engaging with her would be pointless. I think most rational people seeing her rant would assume that there's more to the story, and I know that people who know me will not be inclined to believe her version of events, but it still twinges my gut not to defend myself.
Have you been in a similar situation? What did you do? Did it ever resolve itself, or did the person who wronged you ever come around and apologize? If she starts stalking me on social media, how long should I let it go before responding? Tell me your stories!
I can’t imagine someone going through something similar, but since it has been so long I would only deal with the social media aspect. The church admin should delete her post and you should block her on your personal page.
It’s sad, but she’s fighting a battle you can’t help her with. But you (and the church) can protect yourselves from being “collateral damage.”
I can’t imagine someone going through something similar, but since it has been so long I would only deal with the social media aspect. The church admin should delete her post and you should block her on your personal page.
It’s sad, but she’s fighting a battle you can’t help her with. But you (and the church) can protect yourselves from being “collateral damage.”
The post was actually in a local group for business recommendations and the like, so nothing that the church itself has any control over. I suppose I could contact the group admin, but for something that's likely to fade from bystander memory pretty quickly it doesn't seem worth pursuing.
I agree, it's very sad. I wasn't yet a mom when this all happened, but now that I am, I know the heartwrenching feeling of even imagining something happening to my child; I certainly couldn't be sure that I'd cope with the loss any better.
Blocking her is a smart idea. Thanks for your input.
Wow - what a tough situation. It sounds like you and your church did a great deal to offer comfort and support at a horrible time in her life.
I haven't had this happen to me before, so can't respond with a similar story. However, I agree that her current behavior is likely part of her unresolved grief. I suggest not responding at all, in hopes of not encouraging any continuation of her comments. I also agree that anyone reading her comments will wonder about the context, particularly those who know you or the church.
You sound like you have a good heart and are thinking carefully about doing the most constructive thing possible even though it is difficult for you. It's admirable.
This poor woman lost in her grief is lashing out at one of her best resources for consolation it appears. The idea of not adding any fuel for her fire and in doing so leaving the door open for a return seems like a wise decision. Sounds like she is unable to "hear" in her present state.
It hurts to be misunderstood and certainly would be a temptation to defend yourself. Glad you know you have the church behind you. Sometimes we have to allow people to be sick until they are done.
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Yes, I have seen stuff like this happen. Because anger is easier to bear than grief. Much easier. So lots of people choose anger during great loss.
I considered telling the two stories that are very similar - but it's immaterial. It's basically the same story of rage where rage isn't appropriate, in women who have lost children.
She may have rage against others, too, that she's venting in a similar way, or she may just place her rage in this one place. It's likely anyone who saw her post, and clicked on her name for further insight, figured out PDQ that she's reeling in unrelated pain.
I don't know what I would do in your place. I'm not sure I would take much more, without responding back on legal letterhead that she needs to cease and desist.
Best wishes. You sound like your heart is in the right place.
There are two sides to every story. We have only heard yours.
I guess my question is: If she was awful as an accompanist, why was she allowed to keep at it for a year with no improvement?
I have been in work situations where a team member was incompetent and everyone knew it, yet they were kept on because of extenuating circumstances. A husband and wife both worked at the same company. He was laid off and she, the less-competent of the two, would have been as well, except the managers were worried about how that might look. She was kept on but stopped coming to work except for a team meeting once a year. (I am not making this up.) And when she was finally fired, she was resentful. No one had ever said anything to her about not showing up at the office. How dare they let her go?
It's funny how we always think we're being compassionate by keeping on someone who can't or won't do the work. It would be kinder to let them go once their inability becomes obvious.
We have had people in our church who had lost a child and even had anger against us, God etc.... this woman is hurting and she needs help to cope with her grief and pain. Hopefully she will seek a grief counselor and in the meantime Pray for her and be there for her. Even though you have been the target, don't take it personally.
There are two sides to every story. We have only heard yours.
I guess my question is: If she was awful as an accompanist, why was she allowed to keep at it for a year with no improvement?
Of course this is only my side. I've done my best to present it as objectively as possible, but readers will have to decide whether to believe me or not.
She was allowed to stay on because our only other option was to have me do both jobs, which I really didn't want to have to do. We are a small church in a small town with an extremely limited budget, and a professional accompanist from outside the congregation would expect 2-3 times what we're able to pay. There's also, to be honest, a measure of inertia- sure, her skills weren't up to par, but trying to find someone else from a limited pool of candidates takes a lot of time and effort, and the church hadn't yet gotten to the point where the former outweighed the latter.
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It's funny how we always think we're being compassionate by keeping on someone who can't or won't do the work. It would be kinder to let them go once their inability becomes obvious.
This is an interesting perspective. As a small church, we operate somewhat differently from a normal business. When staff is "hired" from within the congregation, it is a much stickier process to ask them to step down if it's not working out. There are ramifications to the church family beyond just losing an employee. Maybe it's a poor model, but we have to work with what we have. The pastor and I did have multiple discussions about what was the most compassionate thing to do, both pre- and post-death of her child. Maybe we made the wrong decisions. We'll certainly be more careful if something like this comes up in the future.
It's funny how we always think we're being compassionate by keeping on someone who can't or won't do the work. It would be kinder to let them go once their inability becomes obvious.
There is a huge difference between can't and won't. Someone who can't but tries is a very valuable person.
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