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My parents got a divorce when I was 14. My dad has always been a hard worker with a good-paying job, but he's always been a "partier," too. My mom was always very family-focused, but my dad was always interested in lots of drinking and lots of cocaine. He cheated on my mom and was also sometimes physically abusive (toward her...admittedly, not toward me and my brother). He'd pick a fight, knock my mom around a little and then disappear for a few days to a hotel in a nearby town to get drunk, get high and mess around on my mom.
Even after the divorce, though, my dad was always in my life. I don't doubt he loved/loves me and my younger brother, but booze and drugs always took a precedence. Like, he was supposed to get us every other weekend from Friday evening until Sunday evening but would sometimes ask my mom if he could just get us on Saturday evening or even just for the day on Sunday because he liked to go out on the weekends.
But he was always around...he's been there for me at random times...it's hard to explain. I've never doubted that my dad loved me, but I know that for most of my life I was never in the forefront of his mind. But I think I always knew that if I REALLY needed him, I could call him for help, but that's usually not been something that I do because we aren't close...
He is remarried now to a woman who has three adult sons, ranging from I guess around 28-35? (I'm 30, my younger brother is 24). I struggle sometimes to even remember their names. He lives about 15 minutes away from me.
Anyway...now, we have a somewhat strained relationship, I guess. We always get along really well when we talk, but we only talk a few times a year...I call him on Father's Day and his birthday...we are around each other at his parents' family gathering in April, he calls me on my birthday, he calls me on Thanksgiving, then he usually calls me around Christmas to invite us to stop by his house to see him, his wife and her sons, and we usually do (although it's always kinda awkward, because they're clearly a "family," and my husband and I are kinda like outsiders, ya know?) And in any situation where his wife is around, she kinda like makes it impossible for me to talk to my dad...she sits in-between us and controls the conversation and won't really let me talk to him. It's weird.
But it was really weird...he called me today and said he wanted to stop by our house and give me some money for Christmas. He stopped by and gave me $225 (but told me not to tell his wife how much he gave me...??) and sat and talked with me and my husband for almost two hours. He looks really good, like he's clean from the drugs. He invited us to stop by on Christmas. We have other plans for the daytime, but I told him we'd stop by for a little bit later in the afternoon/evening.
I try not to think about my dad too much in general. But after today, it's all I can think about. I would love to have a relationship with my dad. I just don't know how to repair years of dysfunction. I really don't even know where to start.
After the first of the year, you could call him and invite him to either come over to your house or to go out to lunch with you. When you are together, mention that you would like to have a closer relationship and see how he responds. Best wishes to you.
After the holidays I would give him a call and say you really enjoyed his visit and would he like to go out to lunch, come over for dinner, meet for coffee etc. Doesn't really matter what as long as you get to spend some time together. Maybe he is also feeling some regret that you aren't closer and would welcome the chance to see you more.
If he met you for coffee, would you ask him if he's stopped boozing and doing coke?
Because that's the real elephant in the room, I think. How his choices while you were growing up informed your choices as an adult. And how that hasn't worked out so well.
First of all, stop thinking of him just as your dad and start thinking of him as a flesh-and-blood person. Flawed in many ways, but driven by a deep and profound love for you. I do not want to trivialize anything he did, there are times in his life when he seriously messed up, but this is true of all of us in far lesser degrees. I don't understand addiction, but I know that it exerts a powerful influence that's hard to break, summoning up inner demons. I'm sure in your own relationship with your husband, there are times when you wish you could have taken something back, a careless word, a thoughtless action. Now increase that exponentially and imagine your father thinking that about his own life with you.
Another thing? Consider for a moment that a person is less a noun than a verb. A state of being. We are all in motion one way or another, and your father seems to be moving from a place that was harmful and self-destructive to a place far more positive and hopeful. And as he has moved in that direction, one of the the first things he has sought to do was reach out to you, his beloved daughter.
Perhaps he can't fully address his failures out of shame. Or fear that you won't accept an apology. Or concern that it will open new wounds. But he is coming to you.
The great thing here is that you don't need to have a big summit meeting, a talk about what happened in the past. You both know parts of the story, and there will be a time for each of you to learn the other person's side. But in the slow dawning of a new relationship between the two of you, now is not the time to air those feelings. Instead, it is now a time to slowly establish trust. This is not some goofy exercise dreamed up by therapists, but rather the gentle, quiet conversations between people with a bond. Just simply being, just simply talking about your life as it is today, will be more than enough to begin this important work.
Yes, you have a lot to resent. But choosing resentment is to ignore the pain, frustration, and self-loathing on the part of a man who knows he has made terrible mistakes and now seeks true amendment of life. This is not to say your feelings aren't completely valid. Of course they are. But choose forgiveness over resentment. Unburden yourself of anger and accept that there is a deep, often unrecognized beauty in people having the courage to right their wrongs. And your father is choosing to do that.
I'm fifty-six now. And I have, by all criteria, been a good father and husband. But even so, there are things I have said and done that cause me to wince and shake my head. Perhaps it would be wrong for me to have expected perfection in myself. But one of the greatest pleasures in life is to connect with your children as adults, to know that, despite your mistakes, you've set loose kind, thoughtful people loose on the world to make it a better place. In that sense, your father is likely feeling this about you.
Despite all the things he did wrong, his daughter has become one of those people. And allowing him back into your life gives him an immeasurable gift, one of grace and joy, a gift that a man such as he might desperately need after a lifetime of regret.
Last edited by MinivanDriver; 12-23-2018 at 07:19 AM..
however.... someday we will all get old and if reviving a relationship with your father might be a regret..... then you set the terms and limits..
this is his way of reaching out to you
I never had a close relationship with my dad ...not one sports game while all the other dads were there..amongst other things....but it is what it is..
he gave me my chance for living...and I learned what to do and not to do as a dad..
my two cents..... be sure you know where your motive or desire to start again is coming from ..
and don't set yourself up (again) to be disappointed....
Sounds like my dad. It's hard to forgive. But "like father, like son", he supported me in my alcoholism rehab. My recovery stuck and his didn't. It's really a sad disease. His relapses and death showed me how sad it actually is and are a constant reminder of how important it is to maintain my spiritual condition.
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