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I share your feelings, but I left my sister in caring for our Mother who had slipped into Alzheimer's and my sister knew as if I stayed I'd have been an emotional wreck. She almost demanded I leave and so I went and 8 months later Mom passed. I thanked her for hold the fort and she told me that when I wanted to come back, she'd help me.
I did later and she did....
While you may be "Close" it's way worse when it's your direct parent.
When my dad was in his final decline there wasn't any specific diagnosis to give any perspective on how long he had left. However, I'd been making long distance trips to see him and deal with all sorts of issues for the past year. I "knew" we were on good terms, had long talks about important things, and had arranged what was necessary. He died unexpectedly in his sleep when I was not there; got a call from the care home he was living in. At first I was surprised how little not being there for it upset me but I finally realized it was because everything was OK between us. I suspect that many times the more intense grief people feel at a death is due to guilt and remorse; issues left unsaid or unresolved.
Visit your grandma while she's living. The funeral will take care of itself. If your family is on good terms within itself no one should question your decision to make the second trip or not. If you wish to go, do so. If not, that should be OK too.
Last edited by Parnassia; 04-25-2019 at 02:20 PM..
For some people, the answer is easy. For others, it's not that straightforward.
When my grandfather was dying, I knew not only did I not want to see him that way, but also HE wouldn't have wanted me to see him that way. I had seen him in the years leading up to that point, and we had both made our peace with the inevitable approaching end. So I didn't go out when he was near death. For me, it was more important to be at the funeral, where family had gathered from scattered about, to reminisce and share memories of all the good times with him.
So basically, no one can answer the question for anyone else. Every situation is different, every relationship is different. There is no blanket right or wrong answer. Only what is right or wrong for that person.
If it were me, I would go. I think especially if your grandma has expressed fearfulness about passing, it might mean a lot for you to be there with her.
I am sorry for your family. I hope your grandma's passing is as peaceful as possible.
I would go. I always say when choosing like this...better safe than sorry.
At this rate, with the timing so short, it may be you would visit, say all you want to say, sing, pray, have memories, and then stay for a funeral. When you get there you could again clarify timing with the hospice nurse.
Sorry you're going through this. Wishing you well. Let us know how things go. Have a safe trip.
I believe the Hospice nurse also told my mom that when people who were fighters decide to 'give up' (my grandma was fighting), they are pretty quick to 'go'
I'm just conflicted on whether or not I'd want my last memories of her be in the condition, you know?
I'd have enough PTO to go, and my dad offered to pay for my flight.
Go sooner rather than later, so you can say goodbye. Then when she passes, you go again for the funeral or memorial service. It is possible that your mom will schedule that several weeks later. You might ask her what she is thinking. I do think saying goodbye in person is the prime thing though. If you have to make a choice, go sooner rather than later.
I believe the Hospice nurse also told my mom that when people who were fighters decide to 'give up' (my grandma was fighting), they are pretty quick to 'go'
I'm just conflicted on whether or not I'd want my last memories of her be in the condition, you know?
I'd have enough PTO to go, and my dad offered to pay for my flight.
Please go, and not just to see your Grandma, but to be there for your mother. She needs you now.
In January my daughters were booked to go together on a beach holiday when their grandmother, aged 95, was rushed to hospital. They saw her and I told them to still go away on this holiday. It became terminal and they were due to see her the day after they returned but she passed away that afternoon.
They were upset but I feel they would have been just as upset to have seen her as she was at the end. She did not know who anyone was, was not in pain but in a lot of discomfort and only spoke in her native language, in an obsolete dialect.
For them, it was I believe more important to participate in the funeral. A niece did cancel her holiday and spent time with MIL but she is fluent in the dialect and was able to communicate with her, even though MIL did not know who she was.
I think a lot depends on the condition of the person dying as well as the intentions of the family regarding a funeral. It is very rare here to have a funeral or memorial service more than two weeks after the death. Usually it is within the week. I know your customs are different so that needs to be considered.
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