Not wanting to be around inlaws when visiting mil (wife, spouse, husband)
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My wife and I try to visit her mother once a week. Sometimes we will also spend the night. My wife sister and husband live next door on property her mother gave them. My wife loves to cook and her sister does not like to cook. So her sister and husband usually come over to have dinner when we are there visiting. I do not mind seeing them once in a while but not every time we come to visit. I also noticed right before my wife was finished cooking my mil would call them up and invite them over. When they are there I feel like I am invisible. All the conversations and attention are centered around them. My wife's sister husband has always been aloof when I try to have conversations with him. But he will talk all night long to my wife, mil, and my wife's brother when he comes over. So I feel left out at the table a lot when they are there. I usually will excuse myself when I finish my meal and sit alone in the living room and watch Tv. My wife sister and husband are able to have private time with my mil pretty regularly because they live right next door. They're usually at my mil house every day. I am afraid of offending my wife and asking to see if we can occasionally have one private visit. I kind of resent when they come over because it seems like its all about them. My sister in law is very high strung and unpredictable so it is hard to get close to her. One evening my mil informed me that she had bought a brand new tractor for her son in law and how happy he was. My wife asked me how I thought about it. I did not want to show that I felt slighted over him so I just said thats great. So now there are days that I skip going over to visit my mil and my wife will go alone. I just don't want to feel uncomfortable all the time when they come over.
My wife and I try to visit her mother once a week. Sometimes we will also spend the night. My wife sister and husband live next door on property her mother gave them. My wife loves to cook and her sister does not like to cook. So her sister and husband usually come over to have dinner when we are there visiting. I do not mind seeing them once in a while but not every time we come to visit. I also noticed right before my wife was finished cooking my mil would call them up and invite them over. When they are there I feel like I am invisible. All the conversations and attention are centered around them. My wife's sister husband has always been aloof when I try to have conversations with him. But he will talk all night long to my wife, mil, and my wife's brother when he comes over. So I feel left out at the table a lot when they are there. I usually will excuse myself when I finish my meal and sit alone in the living room and watch Tv. My wife sister and husband are able to have private time with my mil pretty regularly because they live right next door. They're usually at my mil house every day. I am afraid of offending my wife and asking to see if we can occasionally have one private visit. I kind of resent when they come over because it seems like its all about them. My sister in law is very high strung and unpredictable so it is hard to get close to her. One evening my mil informed me that she had bought a brand new tractor for her son in law and how happy he was. My wife asked me how I thought about it. I did not want to show that I felt slighted over him so I just said thats great. So now there are days that I skip going over to visit my mil and my wife will go alone. I just don't want to feel uncomfortable all the time when they come over.
That's what I was going to suggest, that you stay home every other visit or so. If you and your wife are both happy with that solution, of course. Talk it over with your wife more. Don't say anything offensive, just tell her what you said here about the way you feel during these dinners.
If she feels she needs you there, and doesn't think trying to talk to her sister will be effective, it may be you who has to be the bigger person, and just learn to accept this the way it is.
On the other hand maybe there's been some misunderstanding that an open discussion between the four of you could clear up. Do the sister and brother in law actually dislike you for some reason? Perhaps you said something some time they took wrong, and they are pouting, and a conversation could clear the air?
So now there are days that I skip going over to visit my mil and my wife will go alone. I just don't want to feel uncomfortable all the time when they come over.
Nothing wrong with that.
Your in-laws (with your wife's acquiescence) have made it clear you are an outlier. Not all people who marry in get to be adopted by the tribe.
Quote:
I am afraid of offending my wife and asking to see if we can occasionally have one private visit.
Dude, your communication skills You should be able to approach your wife and ask her to work with you on forging a relationship. If she doesn't realize you are unhappy with the situation, she's as bad as her family.
Sounds annoying. That would happen when my MiL would come to visit. It always involved seeing DHs brothers and their wives and kids. In this situation it seems presumptuous of the other couple to assume you want to see them every time you see mil.
You visit her once a week and stay the night? What the hell for? Is she disabled? Her sister lives next door?! If she's not disabled it sounds like the cord needs cutting.
What about having your MIL come spend the night at your house? Or can she not travel?
I'd suggest you take her out to dinner, but I suppose the in-laws might invite themselves along.
The best solution would to be to be honest with your wife about feeling shunned.
Perhaps your wife could just make your mother some individual meals at your house and then take them to her. Then skip cooking a dinner for everyone. However, unless your wife has been complaining, she may want to be visiting with her sister as well as her mother.
That's what I was going to suggest, that you stay home every other visit or so. If you and your wife are both happy with that solution, of course. Talk it over with your wife more. Don't say anything offensive, just tell her what you said here about the way you feel during these dinners.
If she feels she needs you there, and doesn't think trying to talk to her sister will be effective, it may be you who has to be the bigger person, and just learn to accept this the way it is.
On the other hand maybe there's been some misunderstanding that an open discussion between the four of you could clear up. Do the sister and brother in law actually dislike you for some reason? Perhaps you said something some time they took wrong, and they are pouting, and a conversation could clear the air?
I have told my wife several times her brother in law is aloof around me. She tries to say he is like that with everybody. But he is a chatter box with everyone else. Sister in law has her moments when she is receptive to communication. For yrs though she was standoffish and snobby. From what I can see brother and sister in law are the center of my mil universe. When they come over they get the majority of her attention. So I just feel like a 2nd fiddle to them. I think my wife is ok with me visiting every other week. I like my mil a lot. I think my wife should be able to see her mom as often as she likes as she is in her 80's.
You visit her once a week and stay the night? What the hell for? Is she disabled? Her sister lives next door?! If she's not disabled it sounds like the cord needs cutting.
I totally agree! Seeing a fam member, (mother or not) ONCE A WEEK is a TON! I'm extremely close w/ my mom & we never saw each other that often once I moved out of my parents' house. As fast as time goes, I'm sure it feels like every other day.
OP, how long have you guys visiting her mother like this? Yes, sounds like your wife still has to see mommy all the time because it isn't enough just the two of you. This is like an insult to YOU. What kind of married life is this? She can't let go. Might as well have mommy move in if you're going to see her that much!
Can your wife free her clutches from mommy & start going every other week, THEN dwindle it to once a month, etc.?
You have a right to be irked & mad. You married 1 woman, not a woman who still has to see mommy every several days. Was she like this w/ her mother back when you were dating? There must have been, "red flags" regarding this.
When 2 people get married, it's one things to see parents, but not this often.
I totally agree! Seeing a fam member, (mother or not) ONCE A WEEK is a TON! I'm extremely close w/ my mom & we never saw each other that often once I moved out of my parents' house. As fast as time goes, I'm sure it feels like every other day.
OP, how long have you guys visiting her mother like this? Yes, sounds like your wife still has to see mommy all the time because it isn't enough just the two of you. This is like an insult to YOU. What kind of married life is this? She can't let go. Might as well have mommy move in if you're going to see her that much!
Can your wife free her clutches from mommy & start going every other week, THEN dwindle it to once a month, etc.?
You have a right to be irked & mad. You married 1 woman, not a woman who still has to see mommy every several days. Was she like this w/ her mother back when you were dating? There must have been, "red flags" regarding this.
When 2 people get married, it's one things to see parents, but not this often.
The OP has this wonderful quality of valuing time. Sounds like he would like to know it's worth the effort.
I disagree Forever Blue that having a spouse who seemingly has a natural bond with a parent is somehow throwing red flags. This husband sounds that he too likes his in law. Rare in this age.
The OP seems to wrestle with the how to incorporate himself into conversation and activity when others are less attune to common courtesy.
Op- find a book, take a walk, excuse yourself if need be
Naturally say , hey , not to be intrusive. I'm heading out for a walk, care to join? Or I'm off to read this fascinating book. Carry on. Then excuse yourself.
I have told my wife several times her brother in law is aloof around me. She tries to say he is like that with everybody. But he is a chatter box with everyone else. Sister in law has her moments when she is receptive to communication. For yrs though she was standoffish and snobby. From what I can see brother and sister in law are the center of my mil universe. When they come over they get the majority of her attention. So I just feel like a 2nd fiddle to them. I think my wife is ok with me visiting every other week. I like my mil a lot. I think my wife should be able to see her mom as often as she likes as she is in her 80's.
If your BIL is chatty with everyone else, I wouldn't call him "aloof" to you and you alone. Tell me more about the kinds of conversation starters you have attempted with him.
Look, some people are easier to communicate with others. Most people prefer talking about themselves, and some people crave external validation. Maybe that's how he is, or maybe you're expecting them to give a darn about you when they are too tied up in their own heads.
I think it would be fine to suggest a weekend with just you and MIL... maybe a special outside getaway, say to a nice outdoors bistro or a public garden, etc. If you pitch it as a special thing as opposed to the every day, you will likely get agreement without any friction.
Otherwise, you'll likely need to set some boundaries with your SIL and hubs, which means manning up, being respectful, and using your words.
Whatever you do not change, you choose.
Good luck, OP.
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You should be able to approach your wife and ask her to work with you on forging a relationship. If she doesn't realize you are unhappy with the situation, she's as bad as her family.
