What to do when the StepMother doesn't treat your child well? (jealous, wife)

[Lindsey_Mcfarren]

Please see other thread by me with the account of how my daughter has met her Father for the first time in 12 years, he walked out on us.

WELL now that she is home, she tells me that her Fathers wife seems to be pretty jealous and petty with her. She repeated some of the things she said and I was really taken aback, in fact if she had said them in front of me, I would have slapped her so hard she would have been picking herself up off the ground.

So how do you guys deal with it when a Step parent isn't nice to your kid? My daughter still wants to see her Dad more then anything. I just don't know how to approach this with her Father. He of course doesn't have the backbone to say anything to her and probably doesn't know everything that happened anyway. My daughter didn't exactly feel like she could say anything with the position she was in.

[AllAboutEve]

Is this the situation with the daughter wanting to enlist in the military? I thought this was resolved?

[yankeegirl313]

Does your daughter feel that she is close enough to her Dad, to tell him some of the things that were said, from his wife?
This concern must be brought up to his attention, not ignored.
Maybe the next time she goes to see her Dad, she can ask her, directly, face to face, if she has a problem. That may be the better answer.

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by Lindsey_Mcfarren

Please see other thread by me with the account of how my daughter has met her Father for the first time in 12 years, he walked out on us.

WELL now that she is home, she tells me that her Fathers wife seems to be pretty jealous and petty with her. She repeated some of the things she said and I was really taken aback, in fact if she had said them in front of me, I would have slapped her so hard she would have been picking herself up off the ground.

So how do you guys deal with it when a Step parent isn't nice to your kid? My daughter still wants to see her Dad more then anything. I just don't know how to approach this with her Father. He of course doesn't have the backbone to say anything to her and probably doesn't know everything that happened anyway. My daughter didn't exactly feel like she could say anything with the position she was in.

First Lindsey, let me say, I'm very very sorry your daughter and you are experiencing this...it is to say the least, very distressing and painful.

1. Because you are personally involved, and it is your child being abused, you will see red...but try very hard to contain yourself, do not say anything your sorry for and do not react in front of your daugher. By the way, how old is she?

2. Write down every single happening and date it, keep an accurate journal. If this abuse continues or escalates you have the right to take it to court and ask that this child's visits be supervised and that she cannot be around her stepmother alone.

3. Contact a good attorney

4. Contact child welfare and ask them for advise and ask them what can be done?

5. Make an immediate appointment with your daughter's teacher and explian the situation to her. Ask her if she would pay special attention to your daughter in case your daughter acts out in anger or her attention span drops or if there are any changes. Ask the teacher if there is a school counselor that could meet with your daughter once a week, so that when your daughter feels comfortable with this person, she may express her feelings to this counselor and what is going on...the counselor will also keep records...which is in your favor.

Mental abuse can sometimes do more damage then physical abuse
It is important that you take these steps, so that everything is properly recorded and at the same time, you are making certain your child's welfare is 1st and foremost...

If this goes to court...you have everything recorded by all these professionals and always ask them to send copies to your attorney and you...

The court will ask your ex, his wife and you to see a court appointed counselor, who will evaluate the situation...and the counselor might even ask to talk with your daughter.

In the end, your ex and this women will probably settle out of court, b/c they are guilty and they are afraid.

When your daughter comes to you with things this woman does, I know it will be very very difficult, but you must, I repeat, must contain your anger and fears in front of your daughter. If you don't, she may fear telling you anything more...for fear of starting more trouble. Tell her what this woman is saying to her is very wrong, and it's going to take some time, but you will do everything in your power to help stop it...

I am always so amazed at how grown adults will act towards children....actually this woman's problem is deeply seeded and her jealousy is, that YOU are her mother. She probably views your child as an interference, as well as, the fact that your ex now has more contact with you. I really really wish, the courts would make it manditory that step parents who act like this, and the parent who allows it, to go to a court appointed counselor long term, b/c these people need long term counseling as well as the visitations being monitored. They are sick...

I have a friend who has been going thru this...I went through it, and it takes years to settle, but if you go about it in the right way...without anger...believe me, you will help your daughter more.

Believe me, there were times, many times, when I want to grab my son's step mother and do to her, what she did to my child. It started when he was 5 years old...they counter suited for custody, but I stayed the course, and retained composure..the school counselor came to the hearing with all her records as well as the school principle and my son's teacher...plus child welfare....they were scared to death, so they agreed right there, that very day, to settle out of court.

It was a horrendous journey for my son and I, but you must keep thinking to yourself, and train yourself to retain composure at all times.

Sending you every possible pray for your strength that you persever
This is a very difficult and despairing journey you are presently on...and I wish you the best.

[Glitterific]

I also wish there was a way to make the stepparent have to go to counseling over their jealousy.

I am going through something similar right now. I have even confronted the woman about it. She pretended all was well in how she treated my daughter, yet the problem remains.

It is to the point that our child won't even go to see her dad if his new family is with him. I have brought it to his attention, but he brushes it off. I feel helpless about it, but there is nothing I can do. Confrontations don't solve the issue and since there is no physical abuse or mistreatment going to court is useless. My ex sides with his girlfriend, saying our daughter acts up whenever the woman has something to say to her. So for the time being, instead of spending her visitation time with dad, she stays at home me. He is the one who loses out since he hardly sees her.

Your daughter, like mine, loves seeing her dad. Mine is younger than yours and she already refuses to be in the situation. Hopefully it won't get to that point for you. This will just have to be a learning lesson for her to see how some adults can act like children.

I've stressed to my daughter to focus on time spent with her dad and try to not engage negatively with anyone else. She calls me on her cellphone when there is a problem and I do my best to diffuse her frustration without pointing any fingers.

It boggles my mind how a parent can let someone treat their child with anything other than the upmost respect.

[steelstress]

Isn't this the dad who signed away his rights to your daughter? If so, I reiterate what I said about that situation... he can visit daughter in YOUR home. You keep sending her there, you'll be partly to blame.

[1phwalls]

If you expect us to read your other thread, you need to link it rather than have us search for it.

I think your daughter should address it with her father first, and only when they are alone. She needs to be able to tell him exactly what is being done and exactly how it is affecting her. And when they are talking about it, she should not bring up you at all, because that will put him on the defense, in that he is defending his new wife against you, rather than helping the relationship between his daughter and new wife.

If that does not work, than you should discuss it with him and say you know your daughter told him and it is still going on.

During all of this, do keep the records and such just like Cremebrulee posted.

On a side note, if the last post is true and this man signe away his parental rights than you should not allow your daughter to visit him when she is there. If that means him coming to your house so be it.

[Glitterific]

I agree with having him come to your state instead of you sending her there. He messed up, let him do most of the work in patching things up with her. You have that as a huge incentive for him to do the right thing and set his girlfriend straight. If he won't do that, tell him he'll have to come see his daughter in your home, and his girlfriend is not welcome.

[mrstewart]

Lindsey, I would have a "chat" with the step mother and I would do my best to do it in person so nothing is lost in translation (i.e. your facial expressions, face turing red, and the look of you resisting the urge to choke her!)...

No need to mince words with her. Tell her like it is and how you expect your daughter to be treated. There is no room for negotiation here since this is your child.

[Dbl-r]

Originally Posted by mrstewart

Lindsey, I would have a "chat" with the step mother and I would do my best to do it in person so nothing is lost in translation (i.e. your facial expressions, face turing red, and the look of you resisting the urge to choke her!)...

No need to mince words with her. Tell her like it is and how you expect your daughter to be treated. There is no room for negotiation here since this is your child.

I would only do 1 other thing here, get the father involved as well. Put a tiny bit of pressure on him to make it right or make sure it doesn't happen going forward!