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I'm a single Mom with two sons. 15yo is a good kid -- moody like all teenagers but gives me no real problems. He hangs with a nice crowd: as far as I know, no one is drinking, smoking, etc., they all do well in school, respectful, good reputations, caring parents. They're too young for real jobs but do make money with odd jobs.
Now summer, they are at each other's houses with parents home, stay up late, sleep all day... He's sleeping at different people's houses sometimes three days in a row. He stops back home for a while, and I keep in touch by text and phone -- and with the hosting parents. They sleep here sometimes, not much.
My question is: if there are no problems, am I giving him too much freedom? I'm thinking it's OK to let the rope out while under my roof so he doesn't go crazy when he moves away -- I'm teaching him freedom, I think, monitoring his moves, checking with the other parents, etc. But am I asking for trouble?
He does need boundaries, (like you have to lay eyes on him at least once a day and he can only sleep over two day in a row). He is probably enjoying the summer as most teenagers do. But you must remember you are setting the stage for the future. It is easier to give privileges than it is it take them away.
What you don't want to happen is that he becomes disconnected from you and his family. Try to encourage the boys to hang out at your home. Socializing is a big thing for boys this age.
It isn't an all or nothing situation. Your son needs to remember that he is part of a family and he has responsibilities to his family, too.
I don't see any problem - that's what 15 year olds do if they're social types. Otherwise they hang out alone in their own rooms sleeping in, staying up late. It's the summer - once school starts then he has to get back into that pattern.
He does need boundaries, (like you have to lay eyes on him at least once a day and he can only sleep over two day in a row). He is probably enjoying the summer as most teenagers do. But you must remember you are setting the stage for the future. It is easier to give privileges than it is it take them away.
What you don't want to happen is that he becomes disconnected from you and his family. Try to encourage the boys to hang out at your home. Socializing is a big thing for boys this age.
It isn't an all or nothing situation. Your son needs to remember that he is part of a family and he has responsibilities to his family, too.
I'd have to agree with rockinmamma....It's great that he's doing all this but he still needs to remember where he lives. Also, as the summer goes on the hanging out all night and sleeping all day routine will make the adjustment to school really difficult. Staying up at night and sleeping late into the day occasionally is one thing but I'd probably discourage it as a habit for that reason. I do try to make my house as "attractive" to my son and his friends as his friend's homes...(ie frozen pizzas, gatorade and other snack items LOL). Several reasons for this - one - it can get expensive to whomever home is the one they "always" hang at - I want to share in that expense; two - I can get to know (and have some supervision) friends better and have knowledge over changing attitudes etc....It's perfectly OK to say he needs to stick around for an evening rent a movie and spend time with you. Set out a list of chores that need to be done each week etc. Even good kids can find trouble if they are bored enough...
I don't see anything wrong with it. He hasn't given you any reason not to trust him, so why place restrictions on him that are simply arbitrary? I do agree with the other posters that he should have certain limits and responsibilities, like chores that need to be done each week, but overall he seems to be doing what most social teenagers enjoy doing. Also, I would limit the sleep overs as it gets closer to school starting. Two weeks before school starts, I would try to get him back on his school routine, just so he is back on schedule.
I was a child of these kinds of rules. Even when I was 18 I felt that living under my parents roof I should respect their rules...because they where always so reasonable! My friend and I would go downtown each thursday and I had a 1:30 curfew and hers was 2 since she lived farther away from downtown. She lived about an hour from the place we would go and I lived about 20 minutes. So we would leave at 1 and I would make it home for my curfew and she would make it home for hers.
When I stayed at her house we would always be home at the asked time...even though her mother never waited up or asked us to check in.
I remember being 20 and people coming over to swim and wanting to drink. I told them if they wanted to drink they needed to go somewhere else. They did. Big deal. Rules are rules.
I'm very impressed that they do odd jobs to make a little cash for themselves. That shows initiative. (I'm just so tired of parents being cash machines for their kids who do nothing more strenuous than hold out their hands.) I think it's a good sign that he's got a little get-up-and go.
I think what you are allowing is fine. Just make sure he knows that what he's doing is a privilge he's earned by being a good kid. Let him know that if he screws up he's going to be back home hangin' on his couch sans buddies. Keep an eye on him. Make sure you physically see him at least a couple of times of day. And make sure you know what he's doing when he stays up late. If he's roaming around town I'd put a stop to that in a big hurry.
Otherwise, I'd give it a go and see how he handles the freedom.
This sounds so much like my son, the charismatic socializer, who was in the same circumstance of divorce. I didn't worry about him too much as he'd always been highly independent and I'd spent considerable effort instilling sound values in him from an early age. His friends were all the best kids in school, as was he, and their parents were the same.
He had one family he particularly spent time staying over with. The grandfather was a minister, the father was a highly regarded teacher, and the mother an atty. He enjoyed being around them and I was glad he had the influence and mentoring of such fine men as opposed to the example of his dad.
The group spent time at my house too (and my mothers). I had musical instruments, sports equipment, various other fun things, and a basket of costumes in my large family room and it was not unusual to have a dozen boys crashing out there. They had a blast making funny home movies that they wrote and directed. Best time of my life. Every one of them grew up to be outstanding individuals.
I'm on the fence with this one. On one hand, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it as long as everything is innocent, but he is at an age when experimentation is common and good kids start to make bad choices. Your biggest question should be why are they not sleeping over at your house as often as they sleep over elsewhere. There could be a legitimate reason.
For example, I PREFERED to have everyone at my house because I didn't believe that the parents of my son's friends provided enough supervision. I wasn't being overly protective. I was right----the parents weren't on their toes about what children that age can get themselves into. The parents went to bed at 10pm and the boys smoked marijuana there while their parents were sleeping.
Meanwhile, I didn't go to bed until everyone was asleep at my house---even if that meant staying up until 4am. I wasn't making myself intrusive. I left them alone. But they knew I was awake elsewhere in the house. That makes a huge difference.
That could be the very reason they are sleeping over at the other house more often. The other mother might not be comfortable with her son sleeping over at other houses because she wants to keep track of what they are doing.
Alternately, there are parents who actually allow their children to smoke marijuana. And THAT could be the reason the children sleep over at the other house more often. Or it could be that the other parents don't condone such behavior but they aren't home as often as you are home.
These are questions to ask yourself. How well do you know the other parents? What is the reason the children are preferring to sleep over at other houses? Are the children more alone during the day because the other houses are two-income households? How do you feel about your son experimenting with marijuana and/or drinking?
Personally, I would drug test him after he returned from a long sleepover. Just once to get a feel for what he's doing. You can buy the drug tests at the drug store. Study up on how long different drugs stay in the system. Marijuana can stay anywhere from 1 to 3 months in the system. Some harder drugs only stay in the system for 24 hours to a few days. I'd buy the drug test that tests for everything and I'd give the test immediately after his returning from a sleepover. If he passes, great. If he fails, you have your answer.
You don't have to wait until he does something wrong to drug test him. You can simply tell him that being randomly tested comes with the territory of having more freedom. It's an oppressive reality most adults face in the workplace. It has nothing to do with trust or lack of trust. It's simply a policy. And random drug testing can be your policy for having freedom.
Just keep in mind one thing. He's a good kid. His friends are good kids. And good kids can get themselves in trouble. My children first encountered drugs through kids they met in honors class and via school sports. These are the very places parents want their children to be in order to avoid drugs. However, there was a recent study done that revealed that children in played sports or musical instruments were more likely to drink or do drugs as teens than teens. The same study also said that teenagers who came from low income families were less likely to drink or do drugs than children who came from more affluent families. Going by the stereotypes of loser kids from loser families won't protect you.
If your son doesn't pass the drug test, I highly recommend that you hold him personally responsible instead of blaming his friends and restricting him from being with his friends. The reason is because the friends aren't the problem. It's our own children's choices that are the problem. I think this is super important for parents to understand because children will be exposed to drugs in all sorts of environments that you have no control over. For example, my son's friend works at McDonalds. The staff gets high on marijuana with the managers! He also works for at a retail store and everyone gets high there too. When my son worked at a restuarant, all of the employees got high outside in the back of the restaurant where employees of adjoining businesses also got high.
If a parent doesn't teach a child to not do drugs even if they are friends with kids who do drugs, a parent isn't teaching a child to not do drugs even when coworkers or bosses do drugs. THAT is the biggest mistake I've seen parents make----blaming the friends by saying "you're not allowed to hang out with so-and-so anymore." That takes the blame away from your own child and doesn't teach the child to make responsible decisions that he needs to learn when he becomes an older teen and young adult who will DEFINITELY be facing marijuana and other drug use when working minimum wage jobs through high school and college years.
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