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Would it be wrong for me to ask my Dad if my brother and I could spend time with him without my stepmother there/involved?
I'm 24 years old, and I've literally reached the end of my rope with this woman. I have a hard time referring to her as a "stepmom" because she has done some very unacceptable things to me and my biological brother over the past 15 years. But, I won't get into it, it's a very long story...but rest assured the things she did definitely warrant my reaction. I will say that my dad has said to us over the years "you can't accept me unless you accept my wife.." Which is why I am wondering what to do.
But anyway, I don't want to lose out on time with my dad because I don't get along with his wife. We have tried time and again to resolve our issues, but the fighting never ends, and I've decided that the only solution to this problem is to not associate with her any longer. It's not what I wanted to happen, but it seems like this is the only thing that will let us all have more peaceful lives without anymore emotional turmoil.
So, what do you think? Thanks.
Hard to say without knowing your family dynamics. I don't think it is wrong to want to spend time alone with your dad. I can also understand that in certain families this wouldn't go over well. I don't know if it is worth stirring things up over. If you really can't stand to be around your step mom, then maybe your dad is choosing her over you.
I'm a 2nd wife. I was the one who suggested DH spend alone time with his kids. I thought it was good for everybody. There was never any fighting but DH and I are not attached at the hip and encouraging alone time with him and his kids seemed like the right thing to do. The kids accepted me but that doesn't mean they want to be with me as much as they want to be with their Dad.
Can you talk to him? Say you want to spend special time with him and see how he reacts. If he insists that his wife go along then there is not much you can do. Does she go out of town by herself ever? That would be a great time to invite him to do something.
"Dad, you've made it clear that I have to respect your relationship with your wife. Fine, I understand that. Now I think it's time that your wife respected your relationship with your now adult children, even if she has to pretend to be polite when we visit. If it can't be a 2-way street, then call me when you want to see me."
When my dad remarried when I was about your age to a woman he had lived with for several years, I was in a similar predicament. It was a rough time - my dad and I really grew apart. He never said that I had to accept her, but once I stopped trying to beat her at her own game, I "won", so to speak, and Dad saw what she was doing - as did everyone else. I bit my tongue bloody for 4 years - she was sneaky, mean -she'd throw a surprise party for him on Father's Day, but not invite me - same with his birthday, book cruises for my birthday weekend, she and her daughter would steal things from me -ie purses, wallets, clothes, then claim I'd given them to them as gifts.
Once I got married, she really liked my dh and calmed down. She's an AWESOME grandma to my kids. I believe her meanness was jealousy and fear - before she came along, I was the center of my dad's world. She wanted him to be a father to her kids (all older than me, but all fathers deceased). Once I had my own family, she seemed to relax.
My advice would be to do what I did. I was sweeter than pie, considerate and kind and defended her to my father's relatives - telling them over and over that it was HIS life, his wife, we didn't have to live with her, she made him happy and that was all that mattered, etc. Like I said, eventually Dad saw what she was doing. If I was visiting, she'd wait til he went to bed to come to me and insult me. His friends (who loved her initially) started seeing it first. But no one saw how bad it was until I stopped fighting back. If she said something mean or hurtful, even sarcastically, in front of others, I'd give a small smile, say "Excuse me" and leave the room quietly. As to the plans that would exclude me, I'd simply be silent when Dad gave me the news, tell him I had to go, that I loved him, see ya later, etc.
Quietly hurt and sad worked quicker and better than angry, loud and confrontational ever did.
Would it be wrong for me to ask my Dad if my brother and I could spend time with him without my stepmother there/involved?
I'm 24 years old, and I've literally reached the end of my rope with this woman. I have a hard time referring to her as a "stepmom" because she has done some very unacceptable things to me and my biological brother over the past 15 years. But, I won't get into it, it's a very long story...but rest assured the things she did definitely warrant my reaction. I will say that my dad has said to us over the years "you can't accept me unless you accept my wife.." Which is why I am wondering what to do.
But anyway, I don't want to lose out on time with my dad because I don't get along with his wife. We have tried time and again to resolve our issues, but the fighting never ends, and I've decided that the only solution to this problem is to not associate with her any longer. It's not what I wanted to happen, but it seems like this is the only thing that will let us all have more peaceful lives without anymore emotional turmoil.
So, what do you think? Thanks.
You are an adult and you can do whatever you want. Just be prepared for anything. He may tell you that she comes first, before you kids and that he won't see you.
If she has been abusive, you definitely don't have to take it or her - and it might be time to see your dad on your terms, not hers and his. But again - be prepared for his choice.
You may just want to move on - find better family members to hang around with.
It is not wrong to want to spend time alone with your Dad. It may not go over well, but it is not wrong. You do not have to put up with this women or any other family member that treats you poorly. You also cannot control your Dad.
I would try something like..."Dad, I love you and would like to spend time with you. Unfortunatly, (stepmom's name) and I do not get along. I hate that we don't, but we don't. When you have some free time please give me a call"
Maybe he will call. Maybe he won't. I hope for your sake that he does.
Your father needs to know what step mom did to you all and then maybe just maybe he would change his tune about this "you have to include my wife crap " . Im so sick of parents who choose their 2nd wife over their "1st" family . it is immoral and disgusting and he had the first family before he had the 2nd wife . Be truthful with your dad about what she did and see what happens . I wish you luck and I hope your dad sees the forest from the trees .
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