Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Yes, the first step the OP and everyone else can take would be to not allow his manipulation of them or using of them any longer.
He's able to continue because of various enablers. It's hard to say if it's too late or not - only time will tell and some people are just not going to reform no matter what anyone does for them, to them.
If the grandmother allows him to mooch off her - there may not be much either parent could do.
I know one family who allowed their drug addicted son to live in their home because they didn't want to find out he was sleeping or laying unconscious in some ditch and wanted him to at least have food to eat and a safe place to sleep. They put up with him stealing to pawn many of their items including his sister's items, things she had worked to buy for herself.
Finally they got fed up and called the police on him themselves and he was put in some program and had to live in a half way house in some other city and he changed and is living a responsible life now. As hard as it was to have him spend time behind bars, they had to let go and also realize that was the only way to keep him from his bad friends and let him clean up long enough to actually start thinking.
Almost like you're describing MY son.
I'm the mother of a 25-year-old who has had behavioral problems since the age of 6, and drug addiction since about the age of 12 or 13.
My efforts included extensive counseling and therapies starting at age 6 (which were completely ineffective, thanks to his ability to affect an exterior mask of 'normalcy' in front of any therapist we took him to), repeated stays in Juvenile Detention (age 12 to 17...and I must say, the Snohomish County, WA, Juvenile court system and their judges are a TOTAL joke), and repeated stints in rehab--before and after he turned 18.
Just like I'd predicted when he was a teenager, he wound up in the federal prison system in Washington State (even attending the in-house drug treatment program), beginning at age 20, with smaller stays in county jail for minor offenses. He's currently in county jail for domestic violence (and for some reason, not for possession).
Every time he gets out, some idiot in my family (my mother, his father, or my brother) tries to 'help' him, usually with money, sometimes with a place to stay....and then he rips them off. As in rips off BLINDLY. They then seem so shocked, so surprised, and so righteously angry at being taken advantage of by a known addict, and I tell them (while stifling my own bitter laughter) that they basically asked for it.
I last gave him money about 3 years ago (for a coat), thinking he was finally clean. He was just out of the penitentiary, had a place in sober living, had a job, supposedly going to NA. Well, I learned my lesson. He didn't last 90 days out before he was back to stealing and not adhering to the terms of his probation. Back in the pen.
Still, no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to convince my family that they're not helping him get better, they're only helping him kill himself. Faster.
Tough love isn't difficult once you become resolute and adamant that the addict is not your problem to fix.
I do hope my son finds sobriety one day...but if I'm being completely honest, I guess part of me really doesn't care anymore.
And being 2000 miles away certainly doesn't hurt, either.
Last edited by rayneinspain; 05-06-2012 at 05:47 PM..
I would suggest that you join Soberrecovery.com and focus on the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers, you will find many parents who are facing the same issues as you are.
I am sorry for your pain. I would concentrate on yourself, if I were you - your health and well-being . . .some people CHOOSE difficult paths. Hopefully he will learn his lessons and turn things around, but you can't hold your breath waiting for that to happen.
The best advise I can give you is swear off looking at his Facebook and talking to his old friend. You don't need to know what dumb thing he has done next. I know how heartbreaking this is.
I can't stay on long, have to go out. Not great news. But could be worse.
My son totalled the car he was given in Feb, on April 27. He hasn't spoken to me since and won't. I am assuming he doesn't want to hear what I have to say or maybe he's embarrassed(likely not). I was devastated to hear this. Of course the Grammy texts it to me. Lovely huh?
Amazingly, though, he got out of the car unscathed. Then he refused the breathalyzer test. That is illegal so they told him they were going to arrest him. He ran! He's been in jail (short periods) two times before and didn't like it! I would be sure though, that he was not thinking clearly when he ran, as it sounds like he was under the influence of etoh and/or the DXM stuff. Which fogs his thinking. Anyways, he ran and since he was not an axe murderer, they called off the hunt for him and just put out a warrant. Warrant #1.
He also had an incident back in early April where he was parked in front of a 7-11 with a friend, both under 21(not a smart thing to do!). They were sitting in the car with it turned off, and had a Heineken can opened. A cop caught them. He did not take them in or anything but supposedly, they gave my son a court date to show up for this misdemeanor offense (etoh under 21) and he failed to show up in court. Warrant #2.
My son is, as of this morning, under arrest. He is probably being processed at this time. He has violated probation again, 2nd time since December, due to those 2 warrants (above) that his PO just found out about YESTERDAY. The day before his monthly PO visit- which was today. So, when he showed up in her office this morning, she had the cops ready for him. She said when the cops came in to handcuff him, he didn't mumble a WORD.
She said that he will be in for a bit and that she has no idea what the judge will decide as last time (1st time violated) the judge only 'slightly modified' son's probation guidelines and my son got released, after like 3wks. She said this, which is his 2nd violation and with his specific situation(he JUST finished Drug Abuse Classes! and is in trouble for same x2=didn't learn!), she doesn't think the judge will be so kind.
She is going to recommend either house arrest (if he's released) and/or non-secured rehab in a group living setting for addicts(non-secured means he could leave, but if he did, he'd be under arrest automatically).
Thanks for the update. Hopefully, he'll go to rehab with some people who are serious about getting better, not just court ordered - sometimes it just takes one person he can relate to, that will get him to see that his life sucks the way it is now.
Just one thing, you probably know this already, but there's a train of thought that addicts stop maturing from the point that they got addicted onwards. So if he's been abusing substances since he was 12, his maturity level is probably not much greater than a 12 year old. I'm not saying treat him like a child, but he's never had any sober life experience, so you can't expect him to just pick up and act like a mature adult, even if he has stopped using.
That will take some time and some adjustment for him. That's why sober living houses are good.
Gosh these stories are so sad. I have a 12 and a 17 year old (both boys) and I count my lucky stars every day that they have stayed away from drugs and alcohol and other problems. Chemical dependancy runs in our family, and we live in an area where it is everywhere (college town Oregon) so I know they have been around it. Two girls were recently caught drinking vodka out of water bottles in the cafeteria during lunchtime - they were 6th graders at my sons middle school. Where did they get the vodka? Mom's kitchen cabinet, of course... We've also had several locker cleanouts with dogs sniffing for drugs... a few kids kicked out for smoking MJ on school grounds during lunch...
Anyway... I have no advice to share at all because I've never had to deal with a child of mine doing these things, but I did have a mother and father and siblings who did these things. All I can say is: you can't make somebody change.
If they are out of your house and legal adults, you just have to take care of yourself and pray for them and try to remember the good things. Going through life focusing on the negative is not good for you in the now or for the long-term.
Also - protect yourself. My father didn't protect himself from a sister of mine who was messed up on drugs. He loved her, of course, but she was so messed-up and would break into his home and steal whatever she could for drug money. My father ended up dying and the family believes it was partly her fault - stress and poverty. SO - protect yourself. DO NOT allow anyone else's addictions - even your own child - to prevent you from living the good life you deserve.
I can't stay on long, have to go out. Not great news. But could be worse.
My son totalled the car he was given in Feb, on April 27. He hasn't spoken to me since and won't. I am assuming he doesn't want to hear what I have to say or maybe he's embarrassed(likely not). I was devastated to hear this. Of course the Grammy texts it to me. Lovely huh?
Amazingly, though, he got out of the car unscathed. Then he refused the breathalyzer test. That is illegal so they told him they were going to arrest him. He ran! He's been in jail (short periods) two times before and didn't like it! I would be sure though, that he was not thinking clearly when he ran, as it sounds like he was under the influence of etoh and/or the DXM stuff. Which fogs his thinking. Anyways, he ran and since he was not an axe murderer, they called off the hunt for him and just put out a warrant. Warrant #1.
He also had an incident back in early April where he was parked in front of a 7-11 with a friend, both under 21(not a smart thing to do!). They were sitting in the car with it turned off, and had a Heineken can opened. A cop caught them. He did not take them in or anything but supposedly, they gave my son a court date to show up for this misdemeanor offense (etoh under 21) and he failed to show up in court. Warrant #2.
My son is, as of this morning, under arrest. He is probably being processed at this time. He has violated probation again, 2nd time since December, due to those 2 warrants (above) that his PO just found out about YESTERDAY. The day before his monthly PO visit- which was today. So, when he showed up in her office this morning, she had the cops ready for him. She said when the cops came in to handcuff him, he didn't mumble a WORD.
She said that he will be in for a bit and that she has no idea what the judge will decide as last time (1st time violated) the judge only 'slightly modified' son's probation guidelines and my son got released, after like 3wks. She said this, which is his 2nd violation and with his specific situation(he JUST finished Drug Abuse Classes! and is in trouble for same x2=didn't learn!), she doesn't think the judge will be so kind.
She is going to recommend either house arrest (if he's released) and/or non-secured rehab in a group living setting for addicts(non-secured means he could leave, but if he did, he'd be under arrest automatically).
Been around addicts all my life, my mother being the most consistent one. I have seen so many people change (including myself). My husband (before we met) was JUST LIKE THIS to his parents but also in and out of mental hospitals because of excessive acid use. He is now a successful software developer and an amazing father After seeing so many change and so many not change my prayer for people in this situation has become something like this:
"God, bring this person to a new place, physically, emotionally, spiritually, WHAT EVER IT TAKES. Somewhere they haven't been where they can make a change. Bring people in their life that can relate, listen, and not judge. Allow them to share and get to the root of what's causing them to want to self destruct. Let desperation drive them to change and not to destruction. I acknowledge that as you child you love them even more than I do, but it hurts, Oh how it hurts. Help me and sustain me too, as we are all capable of falling in this way, Amen"
Hope that isn't offensive to anyone but I am praying it for your son as well. Jail can often be that new place.
It sounds like he needs to be involuntarily committed to a psychiatric facility specializing in substance abuse detoxification and recovery. In most states, if someone appears to pose danger to himself or others, it is possible to place this person under an involuntary 48-72 hour hold. During this time nurses, doctors, and psych professionals will assess the patient, and determine whether or not he is competent, capable, and able to make rational decisions for himself.
Your son has to want to get better for this to work, however. There must be a point where your son realizes that he cannot continue his behavior, and sees that he must get help. Currently, things are too easy for your son. He is living with his grandma, he isn't being made to work, he isn't being made to pursue an education, and he was given a new car. There is no incentive for him to get better. He knows that the family will enable him and allow him to continue on his path of drug addiction. When you begin to make things harder for your son, he may feel that he needs to get help.
You need to make your son assume responsibility for what he is doing. His drug addiction is his fault, and only his fault. No one forced him to try drugs, no one forces him to do drugs, and there is no reason that he has to continue to do drugs.
Been around addicts all my life, my mother being the most consistent one. I have seen so many people change (including myself). My husband (before we met) was JUST LIKE THIS to his parents but also in and out of mental hospitals because of excessive acid use. He is now a successful software developer and an amazing father After seeing so many change and so many not change my prayer for people in this situation has become something like this:
"God, bring this person to a new place, physically, emotionally, spiritually, WHAT EVER IT TAKES. Somewhere they haven't been where they can make a change. Bring people in their life that can relate, listen, and not judge. Allow them to share and get to the root of what's causing them to want to self destruct. Let desperation drive them to change and not to destruction. I acknowledge that as you child you love them even more than I do, but it hurts, Oh how it hurts. Help me and sustain me too, as we are all capable of falling in this way, Amen"
Hope that isn't offensive to anyone but I am praying it for your son as well. Jail can often be that new place.
((((Hugs))))
Thank you soooooooooooooooo much. I just printed out your prayer.
Blessings to you and thank you so much for praying for my son, someone whom you don't even know. He is an amazing person. And this all makes me so sad for him. I tried my best to get him into a counselor, but he wouldn't go more than a few times. NCRN he does not appear to want to stop this. He has been baker acted I think 3 times and was discharged, with no improvement in his abuse. He was inpt for 5 months, got out and started using again within weeks. You cannot force someone to want to stop, they have to want this for themselves.
Someone said that they stop maturing at the age of drug beginning. That is true. He acts like he's ~17 though he started at around 14 or 15.
I stopped typing and just now went and looked and his picture is on booking blotter. This is very hard for me to see. Especially since I have not seen him nor been able to hug him since early Feb when we moved.
I have to go because I am very upset, sad and crying for my son. I just want him to be happy and I don't know when that will ever happen....thank you all. I will come back on when I am a bit stronger.
It sounds like he needs to be involuntarily committed to a psychiatric facility specializing in substance abuse detoxification and recovery. In most states, if someone appears to pose danger to himself or others, it is possible to place this person under an involuntary 48-72 hour hold. During this time nurses, doctors, and psych professionals will assess the patient, and determine whether or not he is competent, capable, and able to make rational decisions for himself.
Your son has to want to get better for this to work, however. There must be a point where your son realizes that he cannot continue his behavior, and sees that he must get help. Currently, things are too easy for your son. He is living with his grandma, he isn't being made to work, he isn't being made to pursue an education, and he was given a new car. There is no incentive for him to get better. He knows that the family will enable him and allow him to continue on his path of drug addiction. When you begin to make things harder for your son, he may feel that he needs to get help.
You need to make your son assume responsibility for what he is doing. His drug addiction is his fault, and only his fault. No one forced him to try drugs, no one forces him to do drugs, and there is no reason that he has to continue to do drugs.
Very thoughtful post, and true, to a point.
However, the son has to get past the point of being actively addicted to drugs for any of this to matter.
Making it harder/easier is a bit moot. If you make it harder, he's not going to care. It's not going to be a wake up call.
Spoiler
He's just going to end up at the bottom rung of humanity sleeping on the street and prostituting, in order to get high.
I covered my last sentence - twowolves, I don't want you to feel any worse than you already do, you probably shouldn't read it.
So until he's gotten the drugs out of his system and his brain is given a chance to start to recover, none of the above matters. I think the realization of those things posted above is what you hope for after he's been involuntarily placed into a facility of some sort. I don't think it's possible for him to take any responsibility for anything at this moment.
Jail or rehab. Those are his only options at this point. Hopefully he won't get house arrest, for his own sake.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
. She said this, which is his 2nd violation and with his specific situation(he JUST finished Drug Abuse Classes! and is in trouble for same x2=didn't learn!), she doesn't think the judge will be so kind. 
After seeing so many change and so many not change my prayer for people in this situation has become something like this:
