Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My wife and I are good friends with another couple, and both our families have one child each (seven-year old boys). The problem is that our parenting styles are different and that is obvious in the way the two kids are brought up. Their son will start crying and throwing a tantrum when things don't go his way. The problem is not that he cries or throws a tantrum... ...it's that his parents let him have his way at the end of it! The other day, my seven-year old son actually remarked that is is unfair that he gets penalized for behaving well! Their son has other habits like telling lies, expressing joy when others get hurt or are sad, manipulating kids (grown-ups too) so he gets what he wants, eavesdropping on adult conversations... ...none of which are things my son does.
I am not going to say that my son is the epitome of perfection since I'm sure other parents can find faults with him or disagree with our parenting skills. My problem is that based on what we see, I do not want my son to get influenced by him because we keep meeting them often. Of course, there will always be other kids with bad habits in his class room or camp, but we have taught him to be nice to everyone and be able to identify the bad sort and avoid/limit playing with them. Complete avoidance is not a solution as he needs to learn how to deal and work with people he might not agree or like.
But I do not understand how to willingly socialize with my friends and voluntarily set up a play date with their kid who I don't want my son to play with! Is avoiding them the only option? Is there a middle ground? Am I looking at this the wrong way?
We have a similar situation. We chose to teach our kids how to deal with the behavior THEMSELVES. Things like putting away any toys that you don't trust them to play with before they come over. And "if you are not going to play fair, I don't want to play with you." It was a hard, long slog. And at the time, I really thought I should just give up and let the friends go. But in the long run, it was really actually beneficial to my kids. They have been able to use those same skills with other friends at school and in the community.
It is *very* difficult, but if your son can be around other kids like that and be taught to not be influenced by them - not pick up their bad behavior, that would be wonderful. He would be a leader rather than a follower.
And that could keep him out of trouble later on. Could even save his life later when other young people want to do something stupid in a car and he declines the invitation - can think on his own.
We always told our kids that everyone parents differently. It's not necessarily right or wrong, its just different and despite how the other child behaves, our rules stand.
However, over the years there were some families that we eventually decided to avoid because frankly we could not stand being around their kids. We tried having adult only relationships and skipping the play dates but that eventually led to either resentment or the question "why don't you want to have a play date?"
Also, while I agree that children need to learn to get along with all kinds, its much harder for your child to have to constantly deal with a difficult child because of the parents relationship. The parents are in essence forcing the kid into a situation that he might normally try to avoid.
My DD has a friend that she likes a lot but that friend has younger siblings who are just beastly and the Dad is mean. My hubs and I don't like him and I don't trust him, neither does DD. My DD is 15 and does not want to be at their house so we always invite the girl to our house. This all blew up over the summer. The girls parents decided that their daughter just wants to be at our house because we "must be letting them get away with things" that "they don't allow" and thus they have now banned their DD from coming to our home. The truth is, our DD can't stand the siblings and we don't like Dad so she doesn't want to be there and we don't want her there but it's not worth the drama if we were to voice that. Instead, the girls talk, text and Skype. As my DD said, if we told them how we really felt, they would not allow any contact, so we keep our thoughts to ourselves. It's sad really but its a reality of raising kids. We tried a few family outings with this family and for us it was pure misery, between the beastly siblings and the Dad we did not enjoy ourselves at all.
We have a friend whose son is totally spoiled and who throws tantrums to get his way. His mother is often frustrated with him to the point of tears, but she can't stand up to him at all. For example, I saw them at Walmart and the mother asked to borrow my phone to make a call because her son was playing a game on her phone and she was afraid to ask the little tyrant for the phone back.
Our method is usually just to discuss the negative behaviors with our kids later on.
I don't embrace the worrying about a child being a bad influence. Raise your children right, stay involved in their upbringing, and your values will prevail. It doesn't teach your child to be a leader if you don't allow him opportunities to be a leader. You're only teaching him that you're the leader and he becomes a follower personality.
The parents who forbid their children to play with others using the "bad influence" excuse are usually the parents who can't see fault in their children. The families we knew who were like this ended up being the running joke in the school district among the other kids. As the years went on, more kids were forbidden to play with their children than were allowed. When someone got banished, the other kids would joke about joining the club of kids who weren't good enough. And what I saw in the end, were their children grew up to be very meek followers. The kids who weren't good enough are much more stable, well rounded young adults who are more successful.
Really think through your decision. It's more important to expose them to different people and hold them to a higher standard. Guide them through decision making. Let them be the ones who decide they don't want to play with a friend instead of you being the one who says they can't. That empowers your children and teaches them to make smart decisions. It might take months or years for them to make the decision. That's okay as long as you're monitoring and helping them understand differences. Sometimes these difficult friends will surprise you through the years by maturing into very likeable people.
And what I saw in the end, were their children grew up to be very meek followers.
The kids who weren't good enough are much more stable, well rounded young adults who are more successful.
While I do agree and disagree with some of your points, the above two sentences stoked my curiosity. Is that just a personal observation or there is some study that proves that?
We always told our kids that everyone parents differently. It's not necessarily right or wrong, its just different and despite how the other child behaves, our rules stand.
However, over the years there were some families that we eventually decided to avoid because frankly we could not stand being around their kids. We tried having adult only relationships and skipping the play dates but that eventually led to either resentment or the question "why don't you want to have a play date?"
Also, while I agree that children need to learn to get along with all kinds, its much harder for your child to have to constantly deal with a difficult child because of the parents relationship. The parents are in essence forcing the kid into a situation that he might normally try to avoid.
My DD has a friend that she likes a lot but that friend has younger siblings who are just beastly and the Dad is mean. My hubs and I don't like him and I don't trust him, neither does DD. My DD is 15 and does not want to be at their house so we always invite the girl to our house. This all blew up over the summer. The girls parents decided that their daughter just wants to be at our house because we "must be letting them get away with things" that "they don't allow" and thus they have now banned their DD from coming to our home. The truth is, our DD can't stand the siblings and we don't like Dad so she doesn't want to be there and we don't want her there but it's not worth the drama if we were to voice that. Instead, the girls talk, text and Skype. As my DD said, if we told them how we really felt, they would not allow any contact, so we keep our thoughts to ourselves. It's sad really but its a reality of raising kids. We tried a few family outings with this family and for us it was pure misery, between the beastly siblings and the Dad we did not enjoy ourselves at all.
Well I tend to avoid direct parental in fighting like what is mentioned above. Keep your eye on whatever the end goal is for your children and avoid this stupidity. What other families do is really none of your concern. Just ask yourself, what is it you want your child to learn?
While I do agree and disagree with some of your points, the above two sentences stoked my curiosity. Is that just a personal observation or there is some study that proves that?
It's my personal observation after raising kids to young adults in a very large school district where I knew everyone. The children whose parents were over controlling ended up being very meek follower personalities. Their parents rarely allowed them to make decisions for themselves.
Of the kids who weren't good enough to be friends with their children, the majority of them are leading very full young adult lives. They were exposed to decision making, learning from mistakes, natural consequences, uncontrolled peer interaction, etc. Some of the most unruly kids ended up being hugely successful because they dared to blaze competitive and/or unique career paths.
I don't have time right now, but I'm sure there is a study on how over controlling parenting creates follower personalities. How can they become leaders if their own parents don't trust their judgment to chose their own friends? You can't be a leader if you can't think for yourself and someone is constantly berating your choices as not good enough.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
