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Wow, first of all, I'm sorry that you are single mom trying to raise a teenager; that is tough. At this age, though, they want independence more than anything and will fight against anything they perceive as "control." I know things are different now even from when I was a kid; from working at the schools and from being not so far removed from those years myself, I can tell you that your child will most likely overlook her own selfishness but point your faults out almost by instinct. Why does she do this? She wants freedom, and, in her eyes, you are the gatekeeper. How much freedom does she want? I don't know. I know that when I was a teen, I just wanted my parents to stop "babying" me.
I can put it into words now; my mom was careful about the way her house ran and often gave me no credit or positive feedback; criticism, though, was abundant. Mostly, if anything was done, regardless of who did it, she was the one who took the credit. She took no time to teach me new skills or help me develop the confidence I needed to be a successful adult. I had extreme social anxiety and was frequently the target of vicious teasing at school. It didn't seem like she really cared, though. In fact, it even seemed like she tried to mess up my plans and embarrass me. She was okay with telling embarrassing stories about me and showing ugly baby pictures of me to my new friends. It scared me. She had no idea what kind of relationship I had and did not have with the people I dared bring home. I'm sure she was unaware of this painful anxiety I had about just meeting other people. Having them see me in a less than positive light was, in my mind, an act of aggression or disapproval. She was trying to isolate me and make me seem unfit, or at least that's the way I saw it. She never took into account that she usually nagged at me for my faults and shortcomings and barely told me she was proud of me. In my mind, she was trying to make a withdrawal when she had made no deposits. I resented her for always trying to correct me by pointing out my flaws and almost never thanking me for a job well done or actually trying to teach me something without scolding me. I, too, missed the mommy I used to have when I was a younger child and wondered what happened to my busy playmate and friend. In my adolescent mind, it seemed like puberty somehow made her my enemy. I longed for a relationship with her and considered her one of my friends, but she never really took the time to try to understand me. Naively, I thought that was her responsibility.
A few years later, though, I learned that I should have, somehow, found the strength to communicate with her and show her the problems I was really dealing with. We became more distant when I went off to college, and my mom eventually found out she had cancer. She took treatments, but it continued to grow and spread. Eventually, she was put on hospice. One day, I asked her why she never really seemed to appreciate me and why she was so strict with me. She said that she did appreciate me and was just trying to protect me and be a good mother. I'm sure I judged her wrongly when I was teen and am sorry to this day for the grief I caused her. I took her for granted. I didn't know who I had in my life until she was no longer there. I wish I had it to do over again, and I regret my rebellious teenage self. My parents were a gift I did not deserve, really. It's amazing how selfish children can be. From my understanding, though, it's just fear. They often do not know how to communicate that, though, and don't have the sophistication of reasoning to know that they are also responsible for the type of relationship they have with their parents.
What a beautiful, thoughtful, sensitive post, kmb! You nearly brought me to tears (good tears)!
You sound like a truly lovely, honorable person. The kindness and insight that you possess is rare.
If it's any consolation, my mother was similar to yours growing up. I'm in my 40s now, but you have taught me a valuable lesson.
**HUGS**
Last edited by newdixiegirl; 07-13-2014 at 08:25 AM..
Wow, first of all, I'm sorry that you are single mom trying to raise a teenager; that is tough. At this age, though, they want independence more than anything and will fight against anything they perceive as "control." I know things are different now even from when I was a kid; from working at the schools and from being not so far removed from those years myself, I can tell you that your child will most likely overlook her own selfishness but point your faults out almost by instinct. Why does she do this? She wants freedom, and, in her eyes, you are the gatekeeper. How much freedom does she want? I don't know. I know that when I was a teen, I just wanted my parents to stop "babying" me.
I can put it into words now; my mom was careful about the way her house ran and often gave me no credit or positive feedback; criticism, though, was abundant. Mostly, if anything was done, regardless of who did it, she was the one who took the credit. She took no time to teach me new skills or help me develop the confidence I needed to be a successful adult. I had extreme social anxiety and was frequently the target of vicious teasing at school. It didn't seem like she really cared, though. In fact, it even seemed like she tried to mess up my plans and embarrass me. She was okay with telling embarrassing stories about me and showing ugly baby pictures of me to my new friends. It scared me. She had no idea what kind of relationship I had and did not have with the people I dared bring home. I'm sure she was unaware of this painful anxiety I had about just meeting other people. Having them see me in a less than positive light was, in my mind, an act of aggression or disapproval. She was trying to isolate me and make me seem unfit, or at least that's the way I saw it. She never took into account that she usually nagged at me for my faults and shortcomings and barely told me she was proud of me. In my mind, she was trying to make a withdrawal when she had made no deposits. I resented her for always trying to correct me by pointing out my flaws and almost never thanking me for a job well done or actually trying to teach me something without scolding me. I, too, missed the mommy I used to have when I was a younger child and wondered what happened to my busy playmate and friend. In my adolescent mind, it seemed like puberty somehow made her my enemy. I longed for a relationship with her and considered her one of my friends, but she never really took the time to try to understand me. Naively, I thought that was her responsibility.
A few years later, though, I learned that I should have, somehow, found the strength to communicate with her and show her the problems I was really dealing with. We became more distant when I went off to college, and my mom eventually found out she had cancer. She took treatments, but it continued to grow and spread. Eventually, she was put on hospice. One day, I asked her why she never really seemed to appreciate me and why she was so strict with me. She said that she did appreciate me and was just trying to protect me and be a good mother. I'm sure I judged her wrongly when I was teen and am sorry to this day for the grief I caused her. I took her for granted. I didn't know who I had in my life until she was no longer there. I wish I had it to do over again, and I regret my rebellious teenage self. My parents were a gift I did not deserve, really. It's amazing how selfish children can be. From my understanding, though, it's just fear. They often do not know how to communicate that, though, and don't have the sophistication of reasoning to know that they are also responsible for the type of relationship they have with their parents.
It is heartwrenching, reading posts like this. Perception is everything, isn't it? The human ego can be so fragile, that any "playing" can be misinterpreted as cruelty, by the receiving party. My gosh, if only people were not so fearful and afraid. If only...people would trust each other enough to communicate effectively, we would understand each other more and be more empathetic towards each other. Look at ll of those lost years. Oh gawd, I'm so sorry!
OP.....please, PLEASE find a way to communicate WITH your daughter. You know her. You know you do. Use that information to reach her. Help her to fill the void in her heart with something really good and positive.
i skipped over most of the post but i want to comment about AnF and hollister (same company). I did a lot of hiring for them for some years and she needs to be 16 at minimum and good looking. thats it. if she fits the look and age she will get hired. they have huge staffing issues in most locations in the country so its not too hard to get hired.
good luck and follow the advice some have given here. my daughter is 3 months old so i have a while before i deal with these issues
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It is heartwrenching, reading posts like this. Perception is everything, isn't it? The human ego can be so fragile, that any "playing" can be misinterpreted as cruelty, by the receiving party. My gosh, if only people were not so fearful and afraid. If only...people would trust each other enough to communicate effectively, we would understand each other more and be more empathetic towards each other. Look at ll of those lost years. Oh gawd, I'm so sorry! 
