Mom lies and bashes me to other family members (method, support, parent)

[MMorena]

So last night my mom and I got into a spat that started with her calling me a lesbian.

For the record, I am not a lesbian. But starting at the age of 3 until I was 11 I was being molested by a family member. I kept it a secret until I was 16, the day I told my mom, I told her I must be gay. But the truth is I was just terrified of boys. I had begun to associate men with being predatory and dangerous, and saw women as gentle and nurturing.

Well I've worked all that out and now in my early twenties, I started working things out about the effects of my own childhood.

Anyway since that night my mom has pretended like I never told her about my abuse, she's never acknowledged what I told her about the abuse but she will chastise me for what I told her in confidence about me thinking I was gay.

Now whenever she gets a chance, she'll erupt in anger and accuse me of being a lesbian with my best friend. So I tried to just be open and explain to her that I'm not gay, I was just scared. But the moment I mentioned the molestation again, she told me I needed to get over it. It's nothing she could do. I told her I didn't need her to do anything but listen.

She kept turning away from me as I was trying to talk to her and so I grabbed her arm and was trying to get her to turn towards me. Instead, it's like her rage welled up inside of her and jumped out on me. She started swinging at me and there I am now trying to grab her hands to keep them from hitting me.

Note: now my mom has a few bandages on her fingers from a work injury.***

Fast forward to this morning. I woke up to hear my mom on the phone telling my aunt? Grandma? EVERYONE that I had started a fight with her last night. She's been on the phone saying "I can't believe she would hit me...I would never hit my mother, especially if I knew she had an injury to her hand."

I didn't hit my mom! I just wanted her to turn around and look at me. For Christs sake, I'm telling you I'm not gay and I was just scared of men because I was molested and you're walking away!

I just wanted her to look at me.

Mind you also, my mom's hand has sustained no extra injury because I NEVER HIT HER.

But she's passing this story along to my family that I'm an ungrateful daughter that likes to hit up on her own mother.

Growing up, I always had the reputation with my family of being a sweetheart, and being gentle and compassionate.
That's been ruined since my mom.
But my mom as a child had the reputation for starting fights and being a bully at school.

But because she's the parent, my grandma, and aunts naturally believe she's telling the truth.

I just don't know how to handle this. My mom is an absolute bully towards me. She's a totally different person towards me. When around family she's sane but it's something about me that when we are alone, her hate comes out.

Sigh idk I can't explain because it's too much and I feel this is too long for most to read but I just don't knoe what to do. She's spreading lies on me and I can't do anything about it.

[HighFlyingBird]

You have to get away from here. As far away as you can get. You can't control what others think of you or who they believe...you just need to escape

[Den0190]

Let her spread lies. If your aunts and grandma really know you, they'll think twice about your mother's slander and give you a chance to tell your side of the story.

Your mother doesn't want to acknowledge the abuse because she's thinking about how it would change things for her instead of caring about your feelings. I know this because I can't talk to my mother about the abuse I suffered during my childhood because it reminds her that she's a less-than-perfect mother, and she hates that.

We don't all get good mothers, but you're smart enough not to be in denial about how your mother really is. You know your mother is a bully, and the intent of a bully is to isolate you and make you feel small since it makes you easier to control. She isn't the person you need to be opening up to anymore! Talk about the abuse to someone you know cares about you. Sometimes that might not be your family. It might be a friend. There's also no shame in going to therapy to work out things in your painful past. Good luck to you, and surround yourself with people who support you!

[CraigCreek]

I agree. You need to get out and establish your own place, with or without a congenial roommate. Start planning now. If you have a job, start saving a portion of your salary for rent and other expenses. Meanwhile, spend as much time away from your mother as you can, and don't get sucked into her drama. Learn about establishing boundaries to keep yourself safe. Keep things cordial but superficial with your mother, and don't bring up the past with her, as that will be unproductive. It sounds as if she is deeply in denial and is unable to deal with the still-toxic legacy of the past.

I'd suggest getting some counseling to deal with residual issues from your childhood molestation. Your mother betrayed you then, and is continuing to betray your confidence by her lack of respect and trustworthiness. You deserve better, and I am sorry you are dealing with this. No doubt your mother has her own issues which prevent her from being supportive and loving to you, and she is clearly in denial. You're not likely to change her, so take care of what you can: yourself.

Best wishes to you. Hope you find a place to live asap. Ditto with counseling.

[MMorena]

Thank you for the replies. I am working on trying to get on my own but it's hard because I just graduated college and am looking for employment. I had money saved up...about 4 grand but I used it all on helping my mom pay bills and rent and so now I don't have anything but she constantly tells others that I'm leeching off of her and how at 23 most people have their own place. Well I would of been one of them if I wasn't sending my paycheck back to her each pay period trying to keep us afloat.

So it's just frustrating to see how she's twisting my image and the entire situation into a favorable one, at my expense.

Regardless, I will work on getting out but it's hard to think of completely cutting ties with her and my family because it just seems wrong.

With me being my mom's only child I can't help to think what will happen to her when she gets very old, but after this idk. I honestly just don't think there can be any tyoe of relationship. I'm certain she hates me and she'll always hate me.

Not trying to be dramatic here but my arsenal of people to share this with is few and far in between.

[BirdieBelle]

She's unstable, and you have to do whatever you can to get out of that house.

[Den0190]

MMorena, cutting ties with family is not wrong when you're dealing with bullies. It's a matter of psychological health. It's not your fault you mother is a bully, and you have no obligation to put up with her abuse, though I'm sure she'll be happy to make you think otherwise. If you decide not to cut ties then you need to learn to control your emotions around your mother. Start taking a step back and think of the methods she uses to manipulate you and stop reacting the way she expects.

Since you don't have someone to connect with, think about going to the library and reading books about recovering from abuse and dealing with bullies. There's also a wealth of information on the internet. You don't have to keep running into a brick wall trying to tell your story to your family. In fact, it's better to not tell your mother anything important about your feelings and life since she'll just use it against you anyway. It's sad to have to do this, but it's also a matter of self-preservation.

[MMorena]

Originally Posted by Den0190

MMorena, cutting ties with family is not wrong when you're dealing with bullies. It's a matter of psychological health. It's not your fault you mother is a bully, and you have no obligation to put up with her abuse, though I'm sure she'll be happy to make you think otherwise. If you decide not to cut ties then you need to learn to control your emotions around your mother. Start taking a step back and think of the methods she uses to manipulate you and stop reacting the way she expects.

Since you don't have someone to connect with, think about going to the library and reading books about recovering from abuse and dealing with bullies. There's also a wealth of information on the internet. You don't have to keep running into a brick wall trying to tell your story to your family. In fact, it's better to not tell your mother anything important about your feelings and life since she'll just use it against you anyway. It's sad to have to do this, but it's also a matter of self-preservation.

You're right about me learning self preservation. I don't know why I keep falling for it but I couldn't help to think maybe we could talk and finally get somewhere. And at times it would seem like she was listening but then she'd start walking away...and I'm like "ummm I'm telling you something very personal and humiliating, could you look at me at least?" But I absolutely lost it when she told me to get over the abuse. There was nothing but mockery in her voice, like she thinks I'm lying and making things up.

And that was like a wow moment to me. And now I've woken up this morning to hearing her calling my family telling them I hit her, when I did no such thing!

I've been going out to interviews to find work since I just graduated but I get discouraged because she likes to make fun of me and tell me how I'm 23 and still at home and have nothing or likes to say me not going to church is why I haven't found a job.

So I'm feeling really discouraged right now. Especially now that any possible support I could of had from family members is ruined because of her.

[cam1957]

MMorena,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I agree with all of the posters to get out of there ASAP and limit your contact with her.

A bully is a bully and they need to constantly berate or cause psychological harm to other people. Your aunts probably know how she is because most bullies don't turn that way overnight. If you leave and limit your contact with her, they may just have a pow wow with her so she doesn't lose you totally. That may be a pipe dream...

If you didn't get professional help for your molestation when you were younger, call your local r@pe center. They are the most compassionate people you'll find and it may not cost you a penny. They're there for all of the junk that goes along with molestation regardless of how long it's been.

I hope you get a job offer today! Best of luck to you and it is time to realize that you don't deserve her toxicity.

[Den0190]

MMorena, I know it's hard and discouraging. You want the relationship to work with your mother, but she's not emotionally available and self-focused. She sounds a lot like my mother, who is a textbook narcissist. Cold, manipulative, and always trying to run your name in the mud to make herself look better. Yet, she could always fool people into thinking she was a dedicated, good Christian woman. It puts you in a position where you look crazy if you ever speak out about her. I suggest doing a google search for "adult children of narcissists" and see if anything strikes a cord with you. It may be your first step to healing.

Don't be discouraged by slander though. You know you've been doing everything you can to find a job. You know you used your savings to help your mother, and you know you've only tried to have an open, honest relationship with her. She's the one with the problem, and if your family is going to believe her lies without giving you a chance to defend yourself then you're better off without them. This sounds harsh, but in the long run it will be better for you. See if there's a community outreach program for abuse, or join a club to give you more time to meet new people. You need to be around people who give you the emotional support you deserve.