I'm really not sure what to do.
My daughter is a little over 2 and a half now, and so it's hard for me to get information from her except through what she says of her own volition
randomly, through her body language, etc. If I were to ask questions about her feelings regarding her stepfather, such as, "Do you like him? Does he make you happy? Does he scare you?" there would be no way of me knowing the degree to which she means each "yes" or "no". For instance, if she is having a good, quiet day, she could be more likely to say that she is not afraid of him because she isn't currently afraid. On a bad day, feeling anxious in general, she could attribute some of her fear to her stepfather even if he did nothing but reprimand her gently, because the reprimand can add on to pre-existing bad feelings. She's still "just a baby" in as many ways as she's becoming a "little girl", so she still expresses a lot of her new and strengthening emotions in baby-like ways.
Adding to the issue of figuring out things from her perspective, is that my own could be skewed either way: I'm worried I could be overreacting as a result of my past, or that I could be under-reacting as a result of how my my father treated problems from my past as they arose.
My mother suffered from untreated postpartum depression and who knows what else after the birth of my younger sister, and as a result she went through phases of being neglectful of me, suddenly and aggressively attached, and then, later, physically abusive when I was a preteen. On top of that, I had been molested by a neighbor when I was 8, and fear of my mother/feeling like whatever happened was a "girl thing" and couldn't be spoken about to my father/feelings of guilt and dirtiness kept me from saying anything about it until I was 13. At this point I told my mother because she was freaking out over my sudden drop in grades, which had resulted from poor self-esteem as I slowly began realizing the gravity of what had happened. She didn't get me any help/counseling. She hardly reacted at all, until she brought it up years later, sobbing with guilt that she hadn't known or stopped it when it was going on even though she was the stay-at-home parent.
Meanwhile, my father was blind to the way my mother was treating me because he was so worn down by her manipulation of
him, so my father, who I am so much like, was the only one on my side, but too weak to fight for me. Now that I'm in a predicament concerning my daughter, I can't forget that these extremes set the standards for my reactions, so the reason why I'm seeking perspectives here is so that mine can benefit from whatever can be pointed out to me. That way, when I go to my first appointment at a counselor's office in a little over a week, I'm armed with more than just my uncertainty and resolve to do whatever the most "right" thing is. I'm 21 and have no one to turn to until I get into that office.
When I first started dating my now-husband, my daughter was only just walking and not really exercising her own willpower yet. I was really encouraged to be with him, because he spoke so positively about me and seemed to really care about my daughter, and on top of that his family treated her so wonderfully as well. After her dad disappeared on me during my pregnancy (not on the birth certificate, who knows where he is!), it felt so refreshing to feel like we could maybe be part of a real, working family after all. Thinking that everything seemed so perfect and that it was a great time to bring in this new, unexpected father figure, as my daughter would be pretty flexible to the change at such a young age, I probably didn't give it enough time. I married him, and soon enough we moved a few states away where the cost of living was significantly less high.
Now I've only been married to him for 6 months, and already things have changed a great deal. He still says he loves us frequently, he seems pretty affectionate most of the time, he helps around the house when I ask, etc. But he scares my daughter, and he never used to before we got married. In play, he's rough. He chases her or makes angry faces to startle her when she approaches him, and even though she recognizes that he's playing most of the time, I still see her get that adrenaline boost sometimes and she rushes to me and cries. I struggle with whether or not I should tell him to stop right in front of her. I don't want to affirm for her that he's threatening if the real problem is that he's just ignorant. Oftentimes I do, firmly but quietly, so she knows I will stick up for her against any bullying, but without seeming overly angry/undermining, so she knows I respect him and she should, too without having to fear him. I've had talks over and over again with him after she goes to bed about how he needs to be gentle with her, that her trust is still forming, etc. He always promises to stop acting that way, but he doesn't.
On top of that, when it comes to discipline, he had been using "scare tactics", such as
watching for her to do something "wrong", such as getting out of bed at bedtime, and then bursting in at her, sometimes raising his voice. That stopped about 2 months ago after I finally gave up the peaceful-talk approach and yelled at him outside about it, but it was so unreasonable, I couldn't believe I actually had to tell him how terrifying that would be for her, and how unnecessary... I mean, she was being so harmless! And her room is her safe place. What little one doesn't want to climb out of bed to play with stuffed animals? All I ever had to do was scoop her up, tuck her back in, and tell her firmly that it was time for sleep and she should close her eyes. Sometimes, she'd ask me to sing her another song. I would, and she'd go to sleep. That's it. That's bond-building, right? I still remember the songs my father sang me to sleep with when I was little like her. Why on earth would I want to do it any other way? Why scare her when you could love on her? I don't understand what was going on there. Did he feel threatened or something by her developing sense of freewill? All two year olds have a short phase of "defiance", don't they? Honestly, I found the way she handled her own transition so pleasant. "Challenging" at it's worst moments, but actually very beautiful, like a little sprout pushing up from under the earth- a tiny clash of entities, and then something new unfolding from they tiny turmoil.
Now that at least some of the worst of the discipline issues are over (from what I witness), you'd think she'd be less afraid. But instead, she seems
more afraid. She has nightmares frequently now, and she can speak well enough now to tell me that some of those bad dreams contain him as the feared entity. Too many for me to just feel comfortable. Sudden movements by him during the day, even if not directed toward her, make her jumpy and she'll come running to me. If she cries in the middle of the night for a new pull-up, she gets completely beside herself if he tries to tend to her instead of me. She won't let him tend to her if she's hurt.
The latter issue could just be instinctive as she grows more aware of what behaviours look "dangerous", even just from animated movies. The tiger in Jungle Book running at the bear, for instance. (However, my sisters can chase me, and my father can move suddenly at her, and she doesn't respond fearfully at all.) The dreams could be nothing, and she could just be going through an extra-attached-to-mommy phase at nighttime. Especially considering that, most of the day, she seems to be okay with her stepdad. She doesn't seem traumatized, like the catatonia I've read about or anything. Sometimes she'll even be affectionate with him. But then again, he's nice
enough of the time that maybe she's behaving like I used to with my mother- being "good" and acting playful so that my fear wouldn't evoke some sort of guilt-induced, frenzied need to give me extra love and attention. I remember that I was so relieved for my mother's calm moments that I'd stay around just to absorb them.
He does exhibit some other strange things that remind me of my mother, as well. For example, when she cries at night now, he rushes to be there first, even though she'll cry harder. I tell him to just let me come to her at night while she goes through this phase, because it only makes it worse to actually "impose" his care on her when I'm right there and can do tend to her quickly and effectively. I try to make it as uncompetitive as possible- I don't want to make things worse by acting like I'm the "favourite parent" or anything. I tell him he should focus on making his presence less scary during the day, so that she'll welcome his care at night. I try to be constructive. He doesn't listen. He'll agree to do whatever and then never try my suggestions. If she mentions him as being scary in his presence, like last night when she had a bad dream and I asked what scared her and she pointed right at him, he won't leave the room unless I request that he does so very firmly. Otherwise he'll just stay there and hover right over us and interrupt me, etc. and pet her face and hair more than he does at any other time for any other reason. It freaks me out by association, but could he just be staying because he feels guilty about how she feels about him, and he just wants to stay and talk to her with me to make him trust her more? That could have been my mom's intention, as well, but she just always came off as unpredictable and controlling. I just don't understand why he won't
try my gameplan for earning her trust during the day only to insist, at the very least rather selfishly, on forcing in his presence when she's fearful of him/of not having me.
I don't know. I'm SO afraid to just brush anything aside. The fact is, I highly doubt he's been physically abusive. I'm not sure abusive would even be the word... It's thrown around a lot these days. Maybe acting out psychological instability? But I'm concerned about what appears to be "bullying" of her and that he may be disciplining her in confusing ways when I'm not around, which to me sounds equally damaging. Having been through the things I have, I realize you can't trust ANYone completely. And recognizing things like these as the way my mother
started out with me terrifies me, as I then wonder if things won't just get worse in the future and
become physical abuse, etc. I don't want to be ignorant like my father, as encouraging as he was in other ways. To be treated as kindly as I was by my father, and yet neglected by him simultaneously, was quite possibly the most damaging aspect of my experience growing up. I'll always be close to him, but at the same time, I'll also always wonder why he didn't open up his eyes for me. I'll always have to wonder why, if he loved me so much and could afford to show it in so many ways, why didn't he stick up for me with my mother when it really counted? Why didn't he ever sit me down to ask what was going on and let me know I could be honest and feel safe? Why didn't he intervene in my first very toxic relationships, which resulted from that time? I can't let my daughter grow up and find herself asking the SAME QUESTIONS regarding me with her stepfather as I had regarding my father with my mother.
But then, I don't want to be overreacting, either. I think overreacting, in this case, is way safer than under-reaction, but there are definitely things at stake if I am seeing more in this than there is.
1) I could potentially damage a well-meaning but slightly-parentally-challenged man if I divorce him.
2) No matter what I choose to do, I'm still going to have to be in contact with him unless there's proof that he is genuinely abusive, because I got pregnant within the first month of our marriage, making me 5 months pregnant to date.
3) Depending on how I handle this, I could potentially lose what small remaining support system I have during a time when I'll obviously be needing some support. (This is curable, though. I could use a counselor for this purpose until my life with my daughter can be newly established elsewhere.)
What do you all think? Is separation a good idea? I can't legally divorce him until we've been married a year in my state, anyway, and with this option there's a buffer between "jumping the gun" to divorce or being negligent by trying to "sit it out". I can monitor the way he treats her from wherever I set us up and meanwhile go to counseling with my daughter (can they help little ones as small as her in any way?) so I can continue to build clarity. But then there's still the fear that I could return to the marriage, only for things to resume as they were with my husband's perceived "safety net" thoughts that I wouldn't leave again, and with a second child... Wouldn't that potentially be more taxing on the children than simply leaving and making a cut-and-dry decision from the start? A reintroduction to living together, forming a new routine, etc. all during such a formative time in my daughter's life and a physically-taxing time in mine with a newborn baby seems
extremely stressful... Is separation in the hopes of this man correcting his behaviors worth the risk of a
failed re-introduction to life together? I suggested family counseling to him a couple times, once even before any of these issues started arising, just so that the transition to becoming a family unit could be easier. He rejects it every time.
I'm sorry this is so long, and thank you to anyone who took the time to read this. I'm sure I just seem a mess. I just really, really don't want to let my daughter down, and I want to be in a secure position for this baby on the way. Whatever happens, I need my children to come first. If this leads to a permanent departure from my husband, I am not going to bring ANY more men into my children's lives again. No man is worth any amount of distress for my babies.
Hopefully your suggestions and my appointment next week will give me some clarity. Thank you!
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
