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We've raised a boy (18 yo) and a girl (13 yo) and I can't tell you how much less drama there is with the guys. Less gossip, less judgement and a lot more comradery. As parents, I wonder what we can do help our young women in their passage to young adulthood, keeping their integrity and good self image intact. Is this possible?
I guess it depends, we had far, FAR more drama with our boys--not so much them but their class of boys in general, then we had with our daughter. Yes, girls can be catty, but you know what, they don't have to be if they are raised to respect others.
Find an activity for your girl to get involved in: one that rewards hard work and that promotes teamwork, confidence, and camaraderie. Both of our girls were (and still are) involved in sports. This provided a positive way for them to build their own confidence and self-worth, as well as a way to find friends that won't be judgmental and gossipy. Of course the activity has to be something that she will enjoy and for which she can feel accomplished. It doesn't have to be sports, but it should be something that will keep her active and interacting with others in a positive way. Extra curricular clubs at school are a good place to start, but be ready to branch out from there to something that isn't school sponsored.
You also have to keep good lines of communication open with her. This can be tough when you also have to be the disciplinarian. But she has to know that there is someone in her life that won't judge her unfairly and will still value her.
Hope that helps.
One more thing: at that age (13) it may seem like she is ignoring everything you tell her, and that it doesn't matter what you say. But that's only an illusion. She is still listening to you, she just doesn't want you to know that she is listening. She listens to a whole lot more than she lets on.
Many times, the moms are just as much part of the drama as the girls.
That is my observation as well.
I've seen moms try to orchestrate friendships, actively exclude certain girls, and basically do everything you're NOT supposed to do to be a good person.
Not all, but many of these girls are just doing what they've learned at home from moms who have their own unresolved middle-school drama.
it's not really the age imo, but it becomes more noticeable in middle school. they do not grow out of it in high school and beyond, so trying to stop 100% of the drama just won't work. it's better to teach girls how to deal with it, because there will be some degree of drama anywhere your kid goes in life.
I really dont see it as a gender differance. me and my brother were 10 times worse than my sister was. the only thing you can do is tell them what your expectations are and what the consequences are for not meeting them. Just know, there is little a parent can do if the teen is determined to do what ever it is they want to do. when I decided to straighten out, it was because I wanted to. it had nothing to do with what my parents wanted.
We've raised a boy (18 yo) and a girl (13 yo) and I can't tell you how much less drama there is with the guys. Less gossip, less judgement and a lot more comradery. As parents, I wonder what we can do help our young women in their passage to young adulthood, keeping their integrity and good self image intact. Is this possible?
My daughter is 12 y.o. and stays far away from the drama. She had one dramatic friend in elementary school, but they have grown apart in middle school because they have had no classes together the past couple of years, for which I'm grateful. I'm also fortunate that her best friend is one grade behind her, so they don't "share" classroom friends and therefore there is no drama there either.
Whenever we have conversations about her school life, I'm happy to hear that she has no desire to be around the "mean girls" and yet is not an outcast. She's just doing her thing, hanging with her friends, and avoiding (thus far) the pitfalls of being a tween.
One thing that has helped is that she and I have open communication about EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING. I'm still her parent first, but she also has the confidence and comfort to ask me questions about life stuff from a friend perspective. I'm so, so grateful for that, and hope it continues going forward. I think another thing that has helped is not letting her use apps such as Snapchat, Facebook, Twitter, Ask.fm, YikYak and many many others that kids like to use nowadays. She uses Instagram, but basically only posts memes that she finds funny. And she only follows 11 people, half of whom are online celebrities like the guys from Good Mythical Morning (whom we adore) and three are family members.
We don't shelter her from peer pressure topics - she knows about drinking, smoking, huffing, cutting, vaping, sexual behavior and various other activities she may face as she gets older. She has said she'll avoid them (she is so vehemently anti-drinking and smoking right now to the point where I think she may announce herself to be straight-edge at some point).
My daughter is 4. I try to give her as much confidence as I can. I've put her in ice skating and swim classes. Piano is probably next. Before you judge, no, I don't think she'll be the next Michelle Kwan or a concert pianist. I want her to know it takes hard work and practice to be good at something; even with that hard work you'll fail but you pick yourself back up; and hope that something sticks so I can keep her busy as hell on the weekends so she isn't just idling around when she gets older. I hope that everything I'm doing now will pay off in the future. That she won't be afraid to take risks, that she'll like trying new things and as much as I want he to be with me forever, that she'll go out on adventures and know that there is so much out there for her to explore. Ultimately, I don't think it's just the things we say to our girls but the things we do. Girls in general will go through drama but we as parents can hopefully try to mitigate it and hope they will persevere through the crazy pre-teen/teen years!!
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