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I'm sorry you are experiencing this. No it's not shameful not to have children and it sounds like you made the right choice for yourself. I think sometimes the blank stares you get are people searching for another topic to break the ice with. Talking about kids is a really great ice breaker. An easy go to. For people who have them, they tend to enjoy talking about them so asking about someone's kids is a good way to get a conversation started. I don't think those blank stares are stares of judgement for the most part. Just my take on it.
I think most people who say you can still have one...it's well meaning but not helpful. Maybe they sense sadness? Or maybe they just can't imagine not wanting children themselves.
As for talking about our kids. Yep. We do a lot of that. They are kid of the center of the universe and we love them. It's ok to change the subject though. I actually have never given birth (my kids are adopted). And I used to go to mommies night out but allllllllll they talked about was pregnancy, labor and breast feeding. And our kids were all toddlers and up. I pointed it out once and they were in shock when they realized that's all they talked about. But they didn't stop. I stopped going.
It's hard to tell whether your feelings are coming from other people or from your own desires.
It's your life and other people don't get to tell you how to live it. Unless they're going to raise the kid for you and give you the money to do it right, it's none of their business.
If it's truly something you want, for yourself and not for anyone else, it's still possible. On the other hand, you are correct that everything is more challenging if you start out at your age. Just do the math: You'll be 50 when you're wanting to coach Little League, at least 60 when your first child graduates from high school and is ready to start college, maybe 70 or older when you have grandchildren.
It's a huge change you're contemplating, so you should only consider it if you really, really want it. My sense is that you don't.
... When people ask if I have kids and I say no just dogs I feel an awkward silence afterwards. ...
The awkward silence is because you just offended the person by comparing your relationship to your dogs to their relationship with their kids. There's absolutely no reason to be ashamed for not having children, nor do you owe anyone an explanation, but pets aren't the same as children.
OMG, of course it isn't shameful. Our planet is overpopulated! And I agree that your medical issues would make pregnancy daunting.
People who encourage you are likely telling you what they think you want to hear...that there is still hope.
You certainly don't need to feel useless. Make a bucket list and start working on it. Perhaps that will lead you to something fulfilling that you and your husband can share for a long time.
I can relate to what you are going through - I am in my late 30's and I do not have any biological children for very similar reasons. I have a stubborn 30-40 lbs that barely budges, and I go to the gym and eat healthy. I lose a lb a month if I am lucky with a LOT of work. If I tried to have a kid, that would put me well into the 200's and I fear I can barely move then. Then how do you keep up with the kids? I can barely keep up with a puppy and need to crate him 1/2 of the time.
So I'm older, exhausted, dealing with mid life weight issues and a slowing metabolism, then I have people saying "why don't you have kids?" Easy for them to say, they won't be around to help me out with them!!! And if they were, it would be just to compare how lovely of parents they are compared to me...how supportive!
The awkward silence is because you just offended the person by comparing your relationship to your dogs to their relationship with their kids. There's absolutely no reason to be ashamed for not having children, nor do you owe anyone an explanation, but pets aren't the same as children.
I have a hard time believing more then one or two people would be offended by that. It's a little joke that's fairly common. But they might not have a come back...but offended? I hope not.
I wouldn't say it's "shameful" but affluent Americans need to have more kids, but people act like they are a burden. They are wonderful and blessings, but people on city-data act like kids are another mortgage.
I have been married twice (the second one is still around!!) and never had children. I am a man but I am also a teacher so the "kids" question comes up a lot.
Personally, I feel one of the best decisions I ever made (and it was a decision) was to not have children. As a teacher the situations I witness every day only reinforce my decision. I know many more people who are unhappy with their children than are satisfied with the way they turned out.
My wife is 14 years younger than me and is also very happy with our decision. We are about to make a big change in our lives for the better that would have been impossible with children.
The irony is that people ask us about having children and missing out on the "joys" but between us we have a total of almost 50 years of helping children to better their lives. We both have a pile of letters from students and parents thanking us for helping them. That is more than many parents have to show.
As another poster mentioned, having children is not always the responsible decision considering overcrowding, economics, etc.
When people ask me about having children and I detect a condescending attitude, I respond, "No, we chose not to and we know quite a few people who should have made the same decision."
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