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Great that your daughter told you, but please don't think that because his parenting style is different than yours that you have the right to go over and tell him what a terrible thing he did and that his way of interacting with children is somehow wrong. He might feel the same way about your parenting after all.
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Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird
Can you quote me one place in this thread where I shared my intent to go over and tell this man *anything*?
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Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird
I did say if he wasnt moving i would talk to him about how that made me uncomfortable and explain why it isn't acceptable.
I said you think you have the right to do so, which according to what you said seems to be the case. Your opinion is you think you need to explain to him what is and isn't acceptable, but aren't doing so because he is moving. Apparently you would feel you had the right to do so if he weren't moving.
Fortifying your children against sexual abuse isn't thinking there is a boogey man around every corner. Its being realistic and proactive. Child sexual abuse is real, it was when your kids were little too. Just because you decided to go with an attitude of "it isn't there" and "it could never happen to us" doesn't mean it wasnt around.
There is a difference in advising or giving knowledge to your kids and getting all worked up when a neighbor tells your kidlet not to tell you something TOTALLY HARMLESS. The only reaction what you describe should elicit is a "thank you dear" to your kidlet and then let it go.
She told you, you've programmed your kid well but be aware, it'll all change soon enough when teen years kick in. That I know for a FACT.
By your own admission the neighbor didn't try to get her to do anything, didn't DO anything other than make an offhand comment that he probably regretted as he said it (or knew you'd get wound up) and told your kidlet "hey, don't tell your parents I said that".
Geeze, not everyone is out to get you OR your kidlets! Some of us humans sometimes say things to people we probably shouldn't.
Hell, I fully admit I'm probably guilty of that more times than I'd like...
There is a difference in advising or giving knowledge to your kids and getting all worked up when a neighbor tells your kidlet not to tell you something TOTALLY HARMLESS. The only reaction what you describe should elicit is a "thank you dear" to your kidlet and then let it go.
She told you, you've programmed your kid well but be aware, it'll all change soon enough when teen years kick in. That I know for a FACT.
By your own admission the neighbor didn't try to get her to do anything, didn't DO anything other than make an offhand comment that he probably regretted as he said it (or knew you'd get wound up) and told your kidlet "hey, don't tell your parents I said that".
Geeze, not everyone is out to get you OR your kidlets! Some of us humans sometimes say things to people we probably shouldn't.
Hell, I fully admit I'm probably guilty of that more times than I'd like...
I disagree. Telling children to keep things from their parents isn't harmless.
I have raised teenagers so I am not in lala land over the change.
I don't think he is out to get me or my kid, but I also know it isn't right for him to ask my child to keep any secret from me.
If you are telling kids to keep secrets from their parents, you need to adjust that and realize it isn't right.
No...no it is not a tough call. People who abuse kids tell them not to tell their parents. They make threats to back that up, usually. It is absolutely essential that we teach our children that if someone says "don't tell your parents" to respect their gut, understand it *is* an alarm and tell their parents. In this case it was minor. It was good I could refute that statement he made. But kids need to be trained not to keep secrets...unless its about a birthday cake, gift, etc for their parent. That is a different kind of secret.
you need to take a chill pill as this clearly wasn't one of those situations.
As an educator, I would never, ever say that to a child.
I am glad your child told you about it.
As an educator I'd bet there's tons of things you'd NEVER say to a child for fear of being fired/sued/jailed or just plain tarred and feathered. Isn't that really a terrible testament to what we've become as a society?
Ahhh, the days when a teacher could hug a crying child, pat a good kid on the head for a job well done etc....
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird
I disagree. Telling children to keep things from their parents isn't harmless.
I have raised teenagers so I am not in lala land over the change.
I don't think he is out to get me or my kid, but I also know it isn't right for him to ask my child to keep any secret from me.
If you are telling kids to keep secrets from their parents, you need to adjust that and realize it isn't right.
Best of luck to you.
I think you miss my point which was sometimes people make comments they probably shouldn't and given the facts presented this was probably one of those times and nothing worth some of the reactions posted in this thread.
Sometimes what people say is in fact harmless but given today's almost hysteria over even what some PARENTS say to their own kids (forget what strangers say) we are teaching kids/adults to react in what I believe to be a damaging manner to people's interactions long term.
Over the last several years we've gone from people who were able to talk to each other and discuss things or even parent a neighbors kid to being hyper vigilant as everyone is either a racist,molester or potential threat/boogie man/woman of some sort just because they might have had a poor choice of words or made a flip comment.
We don't look at people as a whole, nor do we bother to look for what a person might have really meant, no, we just jump right to the most negative,scary and upsetting thing it could possibly be right off the bat. So much for "it takes a village" because nowadays most villagers would be jailed or run out of the village on a rail.
That is truly sad.
I guess ALL people are evil,racist potential kid abusers except us of course...
As an educator I'd bet there's tons of things you'd NEVER say to a child for fear of being fired/sued/jailed or just plain tarred and feathered. Isn't that really a terrible testament to what we've become as a society?
Ahhh, the days when a teacher could hug a crying child, pat a good kid on the head for a job well done etc....
I think you miss my point which was sometimes people make comments they probably shouldn't and given the facts presented this was probably one of those times and nothing worth some of the reactions posted in this thread.
Sometimes what people say is in fact harmless but given today's almost hysteria over even what some PARENTS say to their own kids (forget what strangers say) we are teaching kids/adults to react in what I believe to be a damaging manner to people's interactions long term.
Over the last several years we've gone from people who were able to talk to each other and discuss things or even parent a neighbors kid to being hyper vigilant as everyone is either a racist,molester or potential threat/boogie man/woman of some sort just because they might have had a poor choice of words or made a flip comment.
We don't look at people as a whole, nor do we bother to look for what a person might have really meant, no, we just jump right to the most negative,scary and upsetting thing it could possibly be right off the bat. So much for "it takes a village" because nowadays most villagers would be jailed or run out of the village on a rail.
That is truly sad.
I guess ALL people are evil,racist potential kid abusers except us of course...
See I think you are jumping to all sorts of conclusions that we think this man ir somehow evil. It isn't about this one incident, its about a way we choose to raise our children to keep them safe. Yeah, it was likely an off the cuff comment but it put my daughter in a very uncomfortable position. Normalizing keeping secrets from parents isn't safe for kids. I think that could be brought to the dad's attention without WWIII breaking out. You are reading much too much into this.
My children's teachers do hug them and pat them on the back. They don't say bad things about their families and then tell them to keep secrets (or to keep any secret for that matter)
I do think that we are creating alarmism where it is unwarranted. If a child is unsure and reports an off the cuff comment, then a simple, "thanks for letting me know," is an appropriate response. Making a big to-do out of something so simple is just making the child feel paranoid. Remember that the goal here is to raise kids into sensible adults, not to create fear over every interaction.
Which is not to say that the OP did anything other than that when her daughter spoke up. I've definitely seen lots of hand-wringing and pearl-clutching in real life over adults speaking to children who are not theirs. The Gift of Fear by Gavin Debecker is a good one to read.
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That I know for a FACT.
Isn't that really a terrible testament to what we've become as a society?
