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Hmmm...as an experiment, I took note of the use of my hands while I took a brief bathroom break from C-D. Sorry if this is TMI, but I:
-Used my right hand to pick up my laptop and place it on the right arm of the couch. Then, I used my left hand to remove the blanket from my legs.
-Since I needed a refill on my water while I was up, I used my right hand to grab my cup and drop it off on the kitchen table while I walked by.
-As I entered the hallway, I used my left hand to turn the light switch on. I again used my left hand to flip the light switch in the bathroom.
-I used both hands to pull my shorts down.
-I grabbed a bit of toilet paper from the roll on my left side with my left hand, then passed it to my right hand to, ya know.
-I used both hands to pull up my shorts again.
-I used my left hand to turn on the "hot" water at the bathroom sink and my right hand to turn on the "cold" water. I then picked up the soap bar with my right hand and used both hands to wash, then used my right hand to put the bar of soap back, then used both hands to turn off the faucet.
-I picked up the hand towel off of the counter with my right hand and used both my right and left hands to dry my hands off.
-I used my right hand to turn off the light switch in the bathroom and then in the hallway.
-I used my left hand and grabbed my cup off of the kitchen table as I walked by, passed it to my right hand and used the dispenser on the refrigerator to refill my water.
-Upon reaching the couch again, I used my left hand to put the blanket back over my legs and my right hand to place the laptop back in my lap.
-I am now using both hands to type this message.
Sure, it sounds ridiculously broken down, but that's one quick bathroom and water break. Of course I could have done it with one hand, but how much harder would that have been? How much longer would it have taken?
All I am saying is that people are glossing over the fact that the man had a stroke and lost use of one arm/hand when they feel no hesitation in calling him a deadbeat and acting as if the wife did the right thing.
Not being able to use one arm/hand is HUGE.
As for the OP's LATE response in this thread, well, he may have been able to cook and shovel snow. It's surprising what a person can do when they set their mind to it. But I could have just taken my bathroom trip with one hand, too...doesn't mean that it wouldn't have been much more difficult. Maybe he can turn on a stove and prepare a meal with one hand...in fact, I'm sure I could, too. That doesn't mean that it wouldn't be exhausting, potentially dangerous, etc.
When I blew out my ankle and my husband waited on me hand and foot for weeks, he did things for me that I could have done, but it sure is a lot easier for someone with two working ankles to walk the dogs than it is for someone who is hobbling around, just as it's easier for someone with two hands to whip up a pan of eggs than it is for someone who has to do everything with one hand.
Of course, my husband only had to do it for a few weeks, and I'm sure it would have gotten old after years went by...especially 16 years. Again, I'm not giving the husband a full excuse to just sit on his ass on the couch for the rest of his life. There is a such thing as compassion, though...and I don't know about the OP, but when I said my wedding vows, I said things like "for better or for worse" and "through sickness and in health."
IDK... I was fairly crabby/miserable/bitchy when I was unable to do all the things I could not before my situation. The drugs also affected me badly and I took that out on others. My husband was understanding of the situation.
The OP's husband was upset with his situation (he had a stroke and lost use of an arm... that is HUGE for an electrician) and was taking it out on her. She sees that as abuse...
And yeah, we did not get a divorce as my husband did not chose to sleep with other women.
The OP's husband divorced her becasue of he affair.
I see your point, but I also see the flip side. It would be interesting to hear from the husband and see how far they both are from the actual truth.
So, you really think your husband would TELL YOU if he had an affair?
The level of projection in this thread is pretty astounding. We have posters calling the OP a "saint" and calling her ex-husband every name in the book and saying that he's lucky she didn't kill him. Nearly 250 posts in response to an OP who gave us four posts over the course of 24 hours, then disappeared.
I remember more than one thread over in Relationships where the wife was disabled and the husband was frustrated by her lack of effort and sex drive. Reactions to those posts are "try harder," "of course she's tired, she's SICK," "she needs time and understanding," and "for better or worse, you monster." One repeat poster, whom many of you recognize, makes threads about leaving his imaginary wife because she has cancer or has become too devoted to the children and is no longer sexy. That guy is crucified every time.
The level of projection in this thread is pretty astounding. We have posters calling the OP a "saint" and calling her ex-husband every name in the book and saying that he's lucky she didn't kill him. Nearly 250 posts in response to an OP who gave us four posts over the course of 24 hours, then disappeared.
I remember more than one thread over in Relationships where the wife was disabled and the husband was frustrated by her lack of effort and sex drive. Reactions to those posts are "try harder," "of course she's tired, she's SICK," "she needs time and understanding," and "for better or worse, you monster." One repeat poster, whom many of you recognize, makes threads about leaving his imaginary wife because she has cancer or has become too devoted to the children and is no longer sexy. That guy is crucified every time.
I think the difference here is the amount of time. If the OP had come on here and indicated it had only been 2 years since the stroke, and her husband was frustrated and depressed at his situation and she was complaining about his decreased sex drive, she wouldn't have received the same responses. Also, the OP wasn't necessarily looking to dump her husband. Plenty of people are forced to make career changes - maybe not for the same reason but they are forced to do so and adapt. After 16-18 years, he was capable, he just chose to watch his wife do it all, from his seat on the sofa.
Wow- just wow. I'm always amazed as to what level of people's lives they will post in places like this. So many things to think on. The OP is obviously very bitter and both her and her husband seemed on a collision course from the time the stroke happened. Ok so the husband can't go back into a career that was all he knew. Would make me frustrated and bitter also. Now the use of one hand thing? After he had the stroke the OP mentions that he "refused" to learn a new skill. I blame the husband on that one. One thing to feel sorry of oneself-Another thing to learn to do anything that involves only one hand. I don't get how he functioned with normal daily activities with only one hand- but that's another thing. I'm sure in the precious years the husband could have gotten help with functioning and life skills and such. Strokes are funny things. Never mentioned how that stroke affected him nor if the consequences were permanent. Just the OP me me me me anger and rage over the whole thing. Once the husband started the blame game WHY wasn't there a choice? "IF I'm going to take care of you buster while you lay around, then YOU need to get counseling about your blame and anger" And the affair? I don't give a rip how "lonely" you were or how "used" you felt. NO excuse for an affair. Both spouses were wrong on many levels and I'm sure it all affected the daughters. And whichever daughter found out about the affairs? WRONG for her to be the one to spill the beans. You all had more Peyton Place going on than most families could ever cope with. So just HOW did your ex get a house? You never mentioned ANYWHERE in the OP that he got disability or pension or welfare or anything. I can't imagine you bearing the brunt of it all. However the man you married that you had an affair with? He will NEVER trust you as once a cheater almost "always" a cheater. And don't be surprised down the road that he doesn't do the same as you did to get him. Sorry but it's true. Your daughter is 26 and need to stop with her anger and rage over what YOU and YOUR HUSBAND both did to ruin a family. But this whole thing revolves around you all being so dysfunctional that it's not even funny. And you want it all happy and normal? Not much chance of that. The blame and the anger and the resentment runs deep thru all of you.
I think the difference here is the amount of time. If the OP had come on here and indicated it had only been 2 years since the stroke, and her husband was frustrated and depressed at his situation and she was complaining about his decreased sex drive, she wouldn't have received the same responses. Also, the OP wasn't necessarily looking to dump her husband. Plenty of people are forced to make career changes - maybe not for the same reason but they are forced to do so and adapt. After 16-18 years, he was capable, he just chose to watch his wife do it all, from his seat on the sofa.
I agree that his behavior sounds pretty rotten. I can see how the OP was tempted and then moved on from the resulting divorce. My initial reaction was to allow the daughter her grief and anger and to give her time.
I know a martyr who is neck-deep in a codependent relationship, and both husband and wife describe the same events very differently. That's probably why I am suspicious of this story now. Each post of the OP describes him worse and worse, yet his daughter apparently still cares about him.
Since we celebrated our 35th anniversary last week, I'm pretty confident in what I feel a good marriage should be. We have one.
Well we obviously do not know each other, but I based my comment on your own post. You made marriage sound more like a contractual obligation that can be terminated without much regard for the holy covenant that was agreed to. Granted there are certainly legitimate reason for divorce, but it should be the course of last resort x 10.
The fact that you have a successful marriage is commendable and shows both you and your spouse are on the same page with each other.
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Regarding your cousin, since you don't know the whole story (your words), you really shouldn't be commenting on it.
You don't know the whole story regarding the OP, but you felt the need to comment on it. Why suggest I do otherwise
Frankly, we never know the whole story of anyone's lives/troubles, but we still offer our views based on what information we have.
My cousin made a questionable choice from some of my families perspective. Unlike the OP's claim of verbal abuse, this guy seemed just the opposite, and was appreciative of her help. However I do not believe there was any infidelity on my cousins part, so at least in that aspect she was not as bad.
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What about the (lack of) character of the OP's husband? He was a fraud, pretending to be unable to help out either by working or taking care of the house and kids while she did. So she is expected to honor her vows and he gets a pass?
Keep in mind that I only read the OP, not follow up posts other than the ones after my initial one was posted.
Still, even if the OP in subsequent posts elaborated on issues or answered questions, I'd be based on the way she framed her opening post. It just sounded far too excuse ridden.
Regardless, if someone like a child or spouse becomes disabled through no fault of their own, you go the extra miles to try and make their life better. That is just part of being a good parent/spouse. I definitely apply the Golden Rule to family even more so than everyone else.
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As an aside, plenty of us recognize marriage as a legal union. In reality, that's exactly what it is. It doesn't make us any less dedicated to our spouses.
While I am sure many people feel that way, hopefully you know many people feel differently. In my view marriage was never something the state/government should have gotten involved with. Strangely enough, I could make a good argument why they have a vested interest in promoting marriage, but feel they should not be in the business of conducting marriages.
That aside, I try to follow the rules of the society/community I live in, but am guided by a higher authority when I am tempted to violate societies rules. Those guiding principles are my own integrity and my religious faith.
So if I am at the precipice of doing something to violate mans laws, I turn to my own integrity. If that fails, I turn to my religious faith. It doesn't make me perfect, as I am a sinner like everyone else. But for the big things, society benefits from those with religious faith in ways they may not even realize.
For example, I can say in all honesty there are a few people still walking this earth not because of mans law, but God's law.
More to the point, marriage might only be a "legal" union to some, but I consider it a much higher union.
Marriage vows are a two way street and your husband didn't uphold his end.
Your big mouth daughter(s) were the ones who decided it was THEIR JOB to tell your husband about your affair, without even discussing it with you and as you stated -you had already accepted being STUCK being his caregiver and financial support for the rest of your life.
Statistically that's not really the outcome of these things, but you thought you could....
We are put on this planet with our OWN AGENDA and under no circumstances are you responsible for anyone else other than your children. And at a certain point, even THAT comes to an end.
The daughter is mad that her little "on her own" life got screwed up, apparently. What did she do for her father all those years?
Join the club.
Don't worry about it.
Live YOUR life, it's not anyone else's but YOURS.
Your husband has had almost TWO FRIGGIN decades to figure his out.
You chose the affair over family, and now you must suffer the consequences.
Hope it was worth it!
^^^THIS^^^
You have no idea the pain you created, not only to your husband, but to your daughter - and everyone else who loved you, trusted you... You owe a lot of people a lot of 'I'm sorry's..' You must face your own consequences for what you did... Been there - done that... have the scars to prove it.
So, if I understand this correctly, you were going to stay married "to take care of your husband", yet have an affair until the day you died? I'm not saying your ex is husband of the year, but what you did is inexcusable. If you were truly unhappy with your ex, you BOTH should have gone to counseling or YOU should have filed for divorce. If your vows were traditional, you vowed to stay with him in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer. You broke those vows, not your ex and now you wonder why one of your children hates you? You are back at the ground level with your daughter and now you need to earn her trust just as any stranger would.
I think you missed the part where he sat on the sofa mad for 18 years.
THIS is not "honoring his vows." Neither is him filing for divorce. Those vows don't mean you get to be a chump and a slave for the rest of your life with no accountability on the spouse's part.
I highly doubt filing for divorce first would have changed the reaction the OP got from the daughter. She obviously was expected to continue to support him as breadwinner and caregiver for the rest of life.
At least staying in the marriage provided her with some daycare IF he stayed awake and paid attention.
WHILE SHE WORKED TWO JOBS. Supporting HIS three daughters that he wasn't motivated enough to give a crap about. Other than babysitting.
She claims she was awarded the house in the divorce, so there was a reason for that. NORMALLY, you have to sell it and divide the proceeds.
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based on the way she framed her opening post. It just sounded far too excuse ridden.
