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My 17 (nearly 18 year old) is going out with a couple friends tonight to a house party. I know there will be alcohol. I know he will be drinking. I beat into him tonight before he left all the advice I could think of... not DON'T DRINK because that is unrealistic, but how to drink smartly and NOT to drive or get in the car with someone else after drinking.
So here I am --- I am so filled with anxiety. I hate how much I worry. I know it's normal for a parent to worry but I gotta get a grip. I can't control him.. I know this. I don't want to, there is that side of me that is so much more content when he is tucked away in his room, safe on his computer and not out where "bad things happen." I actually want him to live his life but it's like I am always in anticipation of something awful happening... things that I cannot control and sitting here worrying about them is not good nor helpful. Logically I know this.
So how do you all manage this? Do you guys just not have it as bad as me? Do you force yourself to focus on something else. Do you have a drink?
Being the parent of a teen is so challenging. I would never suggest having a drink, you need to be sober and ready to hop in your car at a moments notice imo.
I used to tell my daughter, and all her friends, Call me....No matter what time. Later a couple of her guy friends told me how much my saying that had meant to them.
I always discouraged drinking. I am not a drinker. But like you I am a realist. I would also emphasize that they never get into a car with someone who has been drinking.
I think that you plant the seed, and then you chew your nails until you hear the front door, then you pretend to be asleep....or getting a midnight snack. It will build trust when you see them come in safely...over time the anxiety will lessen. But always insist on a curfew, and have consequences when they break it.
You will get through it, but prepare yourself for many sleepless nights.
You have set the groundwork for your child's behavior over the past 17 years. Nothing you do or say will change his behavior at this point.
Your worrying is self indulgent, and will not change anything. Once you give your kids "the benediction", that is, the lecture upon leaving the house, try to occupy your mind with a good book, or a movie, or a project.
If your child will be going off to college, he will soon be using his own judgement all the time. Try to start thinking of him as an independent individual, instead of an extension of yourself.
The one thing he needs to understand is the gravity of drinking and driving. When my son goes out somewhere I know there will be drinking we go over the plan. Who is driving? Does that person drink? If the person who is supposed to be sober winds up drinking how will you get home? Uber? Lyft? Call us? There has to be a plan B.
Luckily, the one child still at home has older brothers who are responsible drinkers. When my middle son was home for winter break he had us drop him off at his friend's party and took Uber home. My youngest has been watching his older brothers make plans for years so it seems natural to him to make a plan. Right now it is the beginning of lacrosse season and my youngest won't drink during his season so he will be the driver for most parties. In the fall he will be off to college and most parties will be on campus and there will be no need to drive anywhere.
...I would never suggest having a drink, you need to be sober and ready to hop in your car at a moments notice imo.
I used to tell my daughter, and all her friends, Call me....No matter what time. Later a couple of her guy friends told me how much my saying that had meant to them.
I always discouraged drinking. I am not a drinker. But like you I am a realist. I would also emphasize that they never get into a car with someone who has been drinking.
I think that you plant the seed, and then you chew your nails until you hear the front door, then you pretend to be asleep....or getting a midnight snack. It will build trust when you see them come in safely...over time the anxiety will lessen. But always insist on a curfew, and have consequences when they break it.
You will get through it, but prepare yourself for many sleepless nights.
Thank you for this. Yes you're right - having a drink to calm my nerves would be a bad idea. I debated it last night, early on anyway...
He made it home safe - had a DD (and I peeked out the window upon his arrival and there was a van-load of them... different car than what he left in, which is good because I know the driver on the route there was likely going to drink. My son had already mentioned Uber, or perhaps staying over (which I was okay with given these specific circumstances and the house he was at).
I always tell him he can call me no matter what, and I always tell him to NEVER get in a car with someone who has been drinking (or using drugs). He seems to understand the importance of this, but I worry about him letting his inhibitions down after having drinks. I can only advise him so much though...
You have set the groundwork for your child's behavior over the past 17 years. Nothing you do or say will change his behavior at this point.
Your worrying is self indulgent, and will not change anything. Once you give your kids "the benediction", that is, the lecture upon leaving the house, try to occupy your mind with a good book, or a movie, or a project.
If your child will be going off to college, he will soon be using his own judgement all the time. Try to start thinking of him as an independent individual, instead of an extension of yourself.
Regarding the bolded above... ABSOLUTELY right! It is so self-indulgent and I need to get out of that mindset. Logically I know it doesn't change a thing. He truly is his own person and I think I have been looking at him as an extension of myself. I've never really though about it like that before. Thank you for that perspective.
The one thing he needs to understand is the gravity of drinking and driving. When my son goes out somewhere I know there will be drinking we go over the plan. Who is driving? Does that person drink? If the person who is supposed to be sober winds up drinking how will you get home? Uber? Lyft? Call us? There has to be a plan B.
Luckily, the one child still at home has older brothers who are responsible drinkers. When my middle son was home for winter break he had us drop him off at his friend's party and took Uber home. My youngest has been watching his older brothers make plans for years so it seems natural to him to make a plan. Right now it is the beginning of lacrosse season and my youngest won't drink during his season so he will be the driver for most parties. In the fall he will be off to college and most parties will be on campus and there will be no need to drive anywhere.
This is the area that had be unnerved last night. He wasn't sure exactly what the plan was because it changed several times last minute (who was going, who was driving, etc). Even though he insisted he would be safe and either have a DD or stay, not knowing in advance what his specific plan was did not settle well with me. Next time he will have to have a solidified plan before he heads out.
I will check today to make sure he has Uber set up on his phone with MY credit card. He only has an ATM card and I don't know quite how that works with Uber but I KNOW if he uses my card then he will never have a problem.
I told each of my sons that if they were ever in a situation where they were not safe that they could call me any time day or night and I would pay for a ride to get them home whether that was a cab fare or a plane ticket from the other side of the world. I told them their safety is more important than anything, no questions asked and no lectures and I would not tell their father.
This gave me some peace of mind. Only one of three boys ever called me and I kept my word got him home safe and did not tell his father. A party got busted by the police and he was terrified about getting kicked out of university.
Of course I also told them in no uncertain terms that if they broke the law then I would visit them in jail and say honey I love you but you are responsible for the consequences of your actions. Fortunately that never happened.
When they leave for college, you HAVE to let go of the worrying because not only do you not know what they are doing at any given moment, you have no idea what they are even "supposed" to be doing. So you might as well practice now.
I'm in my 40's and my mother still worries about me. Not that I'll drink and drive because I've never done that. I didn't drink until I was 25 and I still have never been drunk. The idea of being BFF's with a toilet bowl never made sense to me. I travel a lot for my job and she worries about me being on the road because of the weather and the crazy people out there.
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