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i will be honest, the only way two parenting styles worked with us was after we got divorced and had two separate households. The kids knew that dad had his rules and ways at his house, and at my house there were different ways of doing things.
but while we were married it did not work. he ended up totally bailing and i had all parental responsibility which was fine for me because i was willing to take it on. He had such different styles of living and parenting, it was one of the reasons we got divorced. Definitely it was more peaceful after the divorce.
for it to work while two people are together though is going to take communication between the two of you, LOTS of communication on what the rules are and who does what, and then being CONSISTENT with carrying things out.
I think you can be different to a point, but for important things, you need to be on the same page. Discipline I think you should be on the same page, or have only minor (very minor) differences. My husband and I were both raised in strict households, and both agreed that we also would be strict. Really, it was never even discussed- it was assumed on both ends. He is (generally) quicker to anger than I (especially with the 2 year old), For that reason, I am the primary disciplinarian. But our personalities blend well and we've never had a disagreement on 'what' to do.
My hubby and I are very very different, polar opposites in some cases, but when it comes to kids, we are pretty much very similar.
I would think if you had TOTALLY different views on how to raise kids, that it may not work out for the best- it really depends on how much 'giving and taking' and communication is going on in the relationship.
I would like to thank you all for your input. The different views have been very valuable and pretty much repeat what my friends have been saying. While I could decide to date this man until the kids are gone, I'm not sure I want to be the "every other week girlfriend" for 7 more years. Also, I am not codependent, and do feel that we have a nearly perfect relationship without the stresses of the parenting differences...I guess I have found what I've been looking for for most of my adult life. I also know that there is no "perfect relationship" as it appears to others, but if it feels perfect to the people in it, that is all that should matter. His children are nowhere near qualifying for Supernanny (however, it CAN get a bit ugly when they don't get their way).
Long story short, the relationship is ended. I do not feel, as he does, that you can "parent your children without consequences." No, I'm not Atilla the Hun, but I do run a bit of a tight ship. I also do NOT want to be the every other week girlfriend anymore...(even though those weeks were amazing)
I look forward to more communication with many of you. Thanks again, and have a great weekend.
I would like to thank you all for your input. The different views have been very valuable and pretty much repeat what my friends have been saying. While I could decide to date this man until the kids are gone, I'm not sure I want to be the "every other week girlfriend" for 7 more years. Also, I am not codependent, and do feel that we have a nearly perfect relationship without the stresses of the parenting differences...I guess I have found what I've been looking for for most of my adult life. I also know that there is no "perfect relationship" as it appears to others, but if it feels perfect to the people in it, that is all that should matter. His children are nowhere near qualifying for Supernanny (however, it CAN get a bit ugly when they don't get their way).
Long story short, the relationship is ended. I do not feel, as he does, that you can "parent your children without consequences." No, I'm not Atilla the Hun, but I do run a bit of a tight ship. I also do NOT want to be the every other week girlfriend anymore...(even though those weeks were amazing)
I look forward to more communication with many of you. Thanks again, and have a great weekend.
Well, I'm glad you did what you needed to do but I'm sorry because it must be difficult and sad for you.
You will find the right one at the right time.
Good luck,
I know this post has been up here for quite some time, but I am hoping this gets answered as I am perplexed on what to do. My girlfriend (on and off finance) and I have been together going on 6 years, and we have a huge stopping block, at least for me, when it comes to how we raise our kids. I have 3 daughters (ages 15, 10 and 5) and she has two daughters (ages 15 and 8), and we have polar opposite parenting styles. Whereas my children must meet certain academic and behavioral standards in order to have privileges like cell phones, social outing with friends, etc..., her children consistently do bad in school with relatively little consequence and show little respect to anyone. They are very self-centered and are concerned with only what people can do for them or what is in it for them, and they are very forward about it with other people. They do chores if and when THEY feel like it, and disrespectful toward adults, and make little or no effort at home or school. My kids are NOT allowed to behave that way and if they did there are very real consequences. Her kids walk all over her and talk back to her, and she is too lazy to handle it. Another problem is dating. Her 15 year old runs all over town until all hours of the night alone with older boys in their cars, and she does little or nothing to curb this behavior. Many times she sanctions it and shrugs it off as her and that boy are only friends and nothing more, her daughter told her so it is ok. She goes to bed before her daughter comes home from dates and has no idea at which hour of the night she walks in. She explicitly trusts that her daughter will do no wrong and doesn't check up on her. If she says she is going to a friends house, she trusts she will be there, despite many time where she was caught lying. My daughter is NOT allowed to date at least until she is 17, and she is not allowed to drive all over town alone with a boy. She has a curfew and has time each day that is dedicated to school work. She studies hard, gets straight A's, is involved in school ad is in the band. All my daughters are this way. They are self-driven and goal-oriented because I have taught this to them from day one. I don't want to reward kids the same despite the fact that one works hard to reach goals and be successful, whilst the other meanders through life giving everything as little effort as possible. My girlfriend is more concerned with their social status in school than their academic performance. She measures their success by their popularity. The biggest issue is the dating and standards for the two oldest at the moment. I feel like I cannot marry a woman who has does not share my standards in this matter. She says it doesn't matter, she sets rules for hers and I set them for mine and we can still be happy. I feel if I make her my wife and these kids are under my roof, it is not fair to my kids to work so hard to get the same privileges her kids get for doing nothing, and I am not going to lower my standards. I love my kids very much and want them to be good, honest, hard-working people. She and I are not only on the same page, we are not in the same book. Heck, we're not even in the same library.
She says that I am making a big deal out of nothing. I feel this is something that will forever rear it's ugly head, and we either need to settle it, end the relationship or wait another decade before getting married after the kids are grown and this is no longer an issue. Am I being stubborn? Am I wrong? I feel she is giving her kids too much freedom and no discipline, and it shows. I love her kids, but I don't want to be in a situation where I am constantly fighting over our kids, rules, respect, etc....
She says that I am making a big deal out of nothing. I feel this is something that will forever rear it's ugly head, and we either need to settle it, end the relationship or wait another decade before getting married...
But it sounds as if you haven't been able to settle it, if she's been your on and off fiance for nearly 6 years. Frankly I don't think it can be settled. Her parenting style sounds diametrically opposed to yours.
When you describe her as more interested in her childrens' social status and popularity than their academic performance....do you really have the same values that she does? It doesn't sound like it. And just IMO, raising teenagers is hard enough in and of itself; you don't need someone who takes the path of least resistence making it even more difficult.
Take it from someone who has been there, done that. You are correct discussing these things BEFORE making her your wife. She may be the greatest person on earth, but as far as her mothering skills -- they are largely lacking, and her kids will pay for it (as well as the mother) once they become irresponsible adults who feel that the world owes them a living. If you were to marry her, those kids would then become YOUR problem as well.
I agree with Elmonellie. It is rough enough for the kids to go through a divorce. If you want to get married, then yes...go for it. If not, then maybe you should wait a while - ESPECIALLY if your parenting styles are causing strain on the relationship already. I am on the total opposite end of the spectrum with my husband too. He is a step parent to my oldest son and I am SO resentful about the past several years as to how he parents differently than I would like. It is a major major problem in our relationship and the ONLY thing keeping us together right now is my other two kids.
Think real hard about how you want to live the rest of your life. I thought I could handle it and things would get easier as we got use to each other. The opposite has happened and now our family life is miserable and out of control. I wish you the best and hope whatever decision you make works out for you. Trust your gut.
Hi all...new to the City-Data thing and came here after searching a bit (this was what I THOUGHT chat rooms were for, but boy did I get an education!).
I live in Northern Michigan, but this issue is a universal one. I have been dating a man whom I love very much for nearly two years now. He has his three children every other week and I have my one daughter full time.
We have an amazing and nearly perfect relationship on the weeks he doesn't have his children. I love his children and am used to all kinds of children (am a teacher and school counselor). However, I do not care for his parenting style at all. He believes that you can parent without consequences and I just believe that is wrong. His children are not monsters, as one might expect with no consequences, but there is a lot of back-talk, irresponsibility, etc. in them. My daughter has strict consequences for her actions and her social activities depend on her meeting certain expectations in the home and in her schoolwork.
We have discussed this until blue in the face. We even made up a "house rules" chart together, which we both agreed to and he adheres to when convenient. We are hoping to combine households and financial resources in the near future, but I am frustrated by these issues. We were raised COMPLETELY differently. He never finished college but is looking to go back, I value education, have two Masters degrees and plan for my daughter to go to college. Another detail is that he is totally into sports...I don't mean watching them on t.v., I mean he has his children involved in nearly every sport imaginable (sans soccer) and they are running to and fro year round. While I believe that being active in extra-curricular activities is important, I also believe that certain home and school standards should be achieved first and I also believe that "down time" is valuable for children as well as adults.
I hope this isn't "too much" info, but I wanted to give enough to hopefully represent some of the differences in styles...Would love to get some male perspectives on this...My heart is telling me one thing and my head another.
Also hope to make some new "e-friends" and have some intelligent conversations on here!
Thanks!
Wow, this sounds very familiar, only we made the mistake of moving in together. I have (had) 3 kids, 18, 16 and 14 full-time except for their dad had the 14 year old every other weekend. My 14 year old recently moved in with her dad about a month ago. We've been living together for about 8 months. My fiance/boyfriend has a 7 and 9 year old 40% of the time (Wed-Sun one week and Thurs night the other week). He also has a 14 year old that only comes every other weekend.
I have always raised my kids with consequences, loss of privileges, additional chores/work, including spanking for certain offenses (not in anger, but with explanations and love), and I've raised my kids to be very independent. They've been getting themselves up for school, getting dressed, doing homework, etc since they were about 6 or 7. Now they're teenagers, and I still have some issues with them doing their chores properly. They all are in gifted classes in school getting As and Bs and I never have to remind them to do anything with school. My son is graduating next week with a 4.0 GPA (3.8 unweighted) My middle daughter doesn't see her dad at all anymore, and my son (now 18) only sees him occasionally.
My fiance/boyfriends (now 7 and 9 year old) are completely dependent on him, and they dont obey anything he says until he asks them at least 3-7 times. He's constantly asking them "Why aren't you dressed?" after he asked them to get dressed 3x already, and he starts raising his voice each time he says something. They have NO sense of responsibility. The 7 year old is still pooping his pants every couple weeks. He still gets out their clothes for them, gets them breakfast, and has to remind them every day to do their homework (all of which he reminds them 3-7x). The hardest part is their constant refusal to do what he asks them to do the first time. He has only "spanked" one of them twice in the 1.5 years we've been together. The 9 year old one day had 9 negative points for behavior at school one day and all he did was have him write sentences "I will raise my hand before I talk" etc. And it took him 3 hours to write those 9 sentences.
Since we've moved in together (I didn't realize how bad it was before we moved in together), he is constantly nitpicking my kids for leaving a cup by the couch, having a messy room, not doing their chores perfectly (he's a bit of OCD when it comes to cleaning), or having an attitude with me. My kids see him and his kids, and they're constantly blown away by their behavior. They've said several times, "If we would've done that at that age, we would've been in serious trouble." They have NO table manners, its actually embarrassing to eat with them at a restaurant, and my kids started trying to help them learn what is proper (chew with mouth closed, eat over your plate, dont sit on your knees at the table, inside voice, etc.) and they just stop for about 10 seconds and then keep doing it. My kids have gotten to the point they dont want to eat with them or go into public with them because they act like they're 3 and 5 and he just keeps telling them to do things over and over.
For a while after I realized the differences, he suggested we just "parent our own kids" and let the other person parent their own. So I tried to just sit back and not say anything or correct his kids, although he consistently came to me and pointed out things my kids had left around the house/etc. Sometimes when he would need me to watch his boys for awhile, I'd set the tone right away and let them know what I expected, and after 1 or 2x of them getting a time out or losing something, they learned that I meant business... so they KNOW how to obey, but they dont like me much when I do that
I sat down with him last week and told him that something has to be done. We have total opposite parenting styles, he doesn't like my kids and their "messiness" and them having attitudes sometimes, and I can't sit by and watch him raise the boys (who I do care about and love) the way he is because if he doesn't do something they're going to have very difficult teenage years. I also am not willing to have him constantly coming to me with things my kids left laying out or whatever it might be, or constantly reminding them what they left out etc. His kids leave things out all the time, and usually he'll either ask them 5x to pick it up, or he'll just pick it up for them because he doesn't like a messy house.
On top of that, his 9 year old was taken by his mother to get diagnosed with ADD because he just couldn't seem to listen to his teachers and get his work done on time, he wouldn't focus. The school he went to started giving him extra time to finish his work. He didn't finish his FSA's, even after being given extra time, so they're going to hold him back in 3rd grade. All my fiance/boyfriend could say is "I knew that (ex-wife) getting him extra time wasn't going to help. She needs to start having him complete tasks in a designated time, that's what will help." But he doesn't do the same thing!!!
I've read dozens of parenting books throughout my years after I got divorced, and while I was married to my ex we went through and taught "Growing Kids Gods Way" for 4 years. I love that program. It teaches that you have to build a childs moral database so when they get older they have something to pull from. It teaches they need structure and they need to learn to listen THE FIRST TIME or they'll have a consequence. He never tells his boys why they should or shouldn't do anything, he just asks them why they aren't listening and continues to remind them.
OK, sorry for venting so long. I do love him.... we get along VERY well when kids aren't involved. When its just my kids here, we get along fine except for him pointing out all the things he thinks my kids are doing wrong. When I've tried to help him or give him some suggestions about his kids or parenting, he says "Oh yeah, I see its worked so well for yours (as he's holding a paper plate that one of my kids left at the couch)". I've asked him what he suggests for this situation, whether its counseling or what... and he says "we'll be stronger when we work through it, I love you and dont want to lose you." But he's given me NO suggestions. I dont think he wants to change his parenting style, but I think he's very frustrated with how his kids behave. Since we live together, it will be a major upheaval if we separate, but honestly I think the advice one person gave about "just have a relationship but live separately" sounds like the only solution at this point.
My son is going off into National Guard for 7 months, my youngest daughter is staying with her dad now (she was very frustrated with the drama in the house), and my middle daughter (16) is doing fine. Great grades, great social life with church friends, but still has a 16 year old daughter attitude sometimes and her and I can get into arguments (he says that her and I shouldnt yell, its not healthy). I agree, but most of the time we get along great and she's a great kid. She's had some teenager issues, but overall she's a good young lady.
Thoughts?
Thanks for listening.
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Thank you
I also do NOT want to be the every other week girlfriend anymore...(even though those weeks were amazing)
