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Seeking advice from parents who have raised teenagers.
We tried escaping CA two years ago but left behind a group of quality friends our 13-year-old had there. There were 13 of them at her 12th birthday party.
In Montana, where we moved, a year later at her 13th birthday party one child showed up. Our daughter was devastated. I could give you many reasons why this happened but will only say it wasn't for her lack of trying. We totally failed to research the social environment here. Our bad.
We are leaving Montana in the summer. Both our children want to return to California.
In order for us to live where she could attend high school with some her old friends, we're going to live paycheck to paycheck and cram our family of four into a 2BR apartment again.
My daughter says she doesn't want to have to start over again. She wants to either stay in Montana or move back to California. We have this flexibility because I work remotely.
I want to settle permanently so she can attend high school four years with the same people.
Part of me thinks I should still seek greener pasture somewhere more middle-class friendly like Texas, where my two kids can live in a house with their own rooms and hang out with healthy and happy kids. But there isn't much time to find that place.
What would you do in my situation? I'm struggling to weigh the pros and cons.
One parent I know told me that kids change so much in 9th grade that it may turn out the two year absence will make it like starting over to begin with. I think there's some truth to that.
I shudder to imagine having a teenage daughter sharing a small room with her younger sister. It was hard enough before when she wasn't a teenager.
Hoping to hear from parents who have been there, done that.
I could give you many reasons why this happened but will only say it wasn't for her lack of trying. We totally failed to research the social environment here. Our bad.
... feels like you might be glossing over something important.
"Quality of life" includes a lot of factors, and it's up to your family to rank those factors. How old is the younger sister? Does she have a say?
I would not move back to CA. It will be financially a disaster if you have to live paycheck to paycheck.
Your friend is also right that a two year separation could mean things turn totally around with an old group of kid's friends. Nothing stays the same, kids mature at different rates, new kids could have been added to the group, your daughter may well be on the edge or outs of whatever clique (s) might have formed since then..
I would further explore your Montana options. Are there ways the kids could be more inclusive with the kids there ? Such as joining sports teams, have similar hobbies, similar academic club pursuits.
Teenagers change a lot year to year.
Seeking advice from parents who have raised teenagers.
We tried escaping CA two years ago but left behind a group of quality friends our 13-year-old had there. There were 13 of them at her 12th birthday party.
In Montana, where we moved, a year later at her 13th birthday party one child showed up. Our daughter was devastated. I could give you many reasons why this happened but will only say it wasn't for her lack of trying. We totally failed to research the social environment here. Our bad.
We are leaving Montana in the summer. Both our children want to return to California.
In order for us to live where she could attend high school with some her old friends, we're going to live paycheck to paycheck and cram our family of four into a 2BR apartment again.
My daughter says she doesn't want to have to start over again. She wants to either stay in Montana or move back to California. We have this flexibility because I work remotely.
I want to settle permanently so she can attend high school four years with the same people.
Part of me thinks I should still seek greener pasture somewhere more middle-class friendly like Texas, where my two kids can live in a house with their own rooms and hang out with healthy and happy kids. But there isn't much time to find that place.
What would you do in my situation? I'm struggling to weigh the pros and cons.
One parent I know told me that kids change so much in 9th grade that it may turn out the two year absence will make it like starting over to begin with. I think there's some truth to that.
I shudder to imagine having a teenage daughter sharing a small room with her younger sister. It was hard enough before when she wasn't a teenager.
Hoping to hear from parents who have been there, done that.
If you can't afford to move back to CA, then it isn't really an option, is it?
We moved to this part of MT escape the rat race and live near my wife's family (she'd been asking to move near them for 10 years). Working remotely, I figured we'd give it a shot.At the very least it was an adventure.
We want our kids near a large population of healthy, happy middle-class kids. That simply doesn't exist in this small area, but certainly would in the larger cities in MT or any state for that matter. Had our kids been athletic, apparently that's where the "good" parents and kids get together (locals told us this more than once). Otherwise they have been active in dance, gym, Girl Scouts. Both want to return to CA.
There have been positives here for both of them. Despite being California girls who prefer staring at screens to anything else, they've been exposed to big, beautiful nature in abundance. That was one reason I wanted to live here. I was sick of seeing Southern California destroy what little nature it had left to make way for more development. Now I have deer regularly visiting me demanding carrots, and bald eagles scaring away the birds at my feeders.
Despite the social problems in her school, there is far less pressure to conform here than in CA. Kids dress however they want. Class sizes are smaller than CA. Academic pressure is less, which could be a negative for many, but my eldest has a shadowy learning disability. It's a relief not to hear her suffering with crying fits every night over mounds of "busy work" homework.
For me personally, I struggle to admit how much I suffered trying to make ends meet in CA. To imagine going back there and paying ~$2,000/m for a 2BR apartment and then all the other cost increases makes me grit my teeth. There were times a few years ago I was walking a few miles to work because we could not afford a 2nd car, and as much as I pretended that it was for my health, it hurt my pride.
My wife and I both struggle with this. We miss the sunshine and happier and energetic people, but we both remember the pain of barely making ends meet. We sort of just think if we can keep it up for four years, our eldest will graduate and move out.
Thanks for your feedback. It helps me think through this. I don't have a Cheers bar to go to and get my advice.
If you can't afford to move back to CA, then it isn't really an option, is it?
We "sort of" can afford it. We managed it for years but it wore us down thin.
My parents actually own a 3BR townhouse there they said we could live in while they moved to a senior community, but it's not in the school district for my eldest so it doesn't really help.
My wife suggested we talk them into selling it, give us money for a down payment, and then at least we're not throwing money down the drain on a 2BR rental.
In order for us to live where she could attend high school with some her old friends, we're going to live paycheck to paycheck and cram our family of four into a 2BR apartment again.
I sure as heck wouldn't be letting my kids tell me what to do and where we are moving. You are giving them far too much power.
We moved to this part of MT escape the rat race and live near my wife's family (she'd been asking to move near them for 10 years). Working remotely, I figured we'd give it a shot.At the very least it was an adventure.
We want our kids near a large population of healthy, happy middle-class kids. That simply doesn't exist in this small area, but certainly would in the larger cities in MT or any state for that matter. Had our kids been athletic, apparently that's where the "good" parents and kids get together (locals told us this more than once). Otherwise they have been active in dance, gym, Girl Scouts. Both want to return to CA.
There have been positives here for both of them. Despite being California girls who prefer staring at screens to anything else, they've been exposed to big, beautiful nature in abundance. That was one reason I wanted to live here. I was sick of seeing Southern California destroy what little nature it had left to make way for more development. Now I have deer regularly visiting me demanding carrots, and bald eagles scaring away the birds at my feeders.
Despite the social problems in her school, there is far less pressure to conform here than in CA. Kids dress however they want. Class sizes are smaller than CA. Academic pressure is less, which could be a negative for many, but my eldest has a shadowy learning disability. It's a relief not to hear her suffering with crying fits every night over mounds of "busy work" homework.
For me personally, I struggle to admit how much I suffered trying to make ends meet in CA. To imagine going back there and paying ~$2,000/m for a 2BR apartment and then all the other cost increases makes me grit my teeth. There were times a few years ago I was walking a few miles to work because we could not afford a 2nd car, and as much as I pretended that it was for my health, it hurt my pride.
My wife and I both struggle with this. We miss the sunshine and happier and energetic people, but we both remember the pain of barely making ends meet. We sort of just think if we can keep it up for four years, our eldest will graduate and move out.
Thanks for your feedback. It helps me think through this. I don't have a Cheers bar to go to and get my advice.
You really need to think this through. You sound resigned to moving back but at what cost? Also, how can you be sure your daughter is going to move out once she hits 18? It is getting harder and harder for young adults to make it on their own unless you have some plan already laid out and financed.
Moving back to California would be nice if you could easily afford it but it doesn't seem worth it based on how stressed out it made you in the past just so your daughter could have her old friends back, whom may or may not still end up being good friends with in the future.
You mention Texas as an option. It would be more affordable and it tends to be a very friendly place overall. It may be an easier place then MT n terms of meeting new people and settling down.
I sure as heck wouldn't be letting my kids tell me what to do and where we are moving. You are giving them far too much power.
This.... kids will get over it! It's always hard for kids to move to a new place and make new friends but I do think it'll be character-building. They'll be fine.
I would definitely not move back to CA if you'll have to live paycheck to paycheck. Imagine how your kids will feel once they get older and those same friends are able to go out more, get more goodies and gadgets, or invite her to do expensive activities that you'll have trouble keeping up with. Or... if you guys endure that lifestyle and then she eventually loses touch with them anyway and makes new friends. Orrrr you get laid off and everyone's stressed out to make ends meet.
I think they'll be better served if you either stayed in Montana or moved to another place where you can afford them a good, stable lifestyle. Heck with the money you save, can't you just pay for your kids to visit their hometown once in awhile and reunite with those friends? Win-win!
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