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My husband and I have four kids, aged 12, 16, 19 & 21. Both the older kids moved out at 18, and back pretty soon after. The deal for all the kids is once you're 18 you can go to school full time and pay no rent, go to school part time and pay half rent, or work and pay "full rent." Full rent is $400 per month with $200 going towards household bills and $200 going into a savings account that they can access for purchasing a car or when they move out as a down payment. Their $200 share of the bills covers everything, food, rent, cable, WiFi, cell phone bill, Etc. About a month ago we had a blow up with our 19 yo daughter where she said she hated living at the house and wanted to move out. We agreed that it would be a good idea because there had been so much static with her not wanting to pay anything or do the one chore a day that we ask of everyone (chores rotate but include tidying up the living room, taking out the trash, doing dishes). We gave her a month to find a place to live and get moved, we returned the small amount of money she had saved up to her. For the last month she did nothing around the house and now the first rolls around in a couple of days and she has no plans to leave. It is creating so much friction around the home. She thinks we are being tyrants by charging her rent and asking her to do a chore when she is an adult. But her 21 year old brother has saved up $3,800 by living here the past couple of years and he never had a problem. It doesn't seem fair to him for her to not have to live by the same rules, and I don't want to set a bad precedent for the younger boys. She says that all of her friends live for free and that all of our family members think we are horrible people for threatening to kick her out. What advice would you give me? I am aware that I can go through an eviction process, but that is really the last resort. We really don't want to destroy the relationship if it can be helped.
She's calling your bluff. She knows you're not going to put her out on the street. It's probably better that you're not going to, but if her behavior has no consequences, she's never going to obey you again, and her younger siblings will learn that they don't have to either.
My suggestion would be to stop paying for her phone and change the WIFI password and don't give her the new one. Stop making meals for her or doing her laundry. Take away anything else that you're paying for, other than health insurance.
She needs to learn that being an adult doesn't mean that you have no chores. It means you have more chores, and you need to do them without someone nagging.
She's calling your bluff. She knows you're not going to put her out on the street. It's probably better that you're not going to, but if her behavior has no consequences, she's never going to obey you again, and her younger siblings will learn that they don't have to either.
My suggestion would be to stop paying for her phone and change the WIFI password and don't give her the new one. Stop making meals for her or doing her laundry. Take away anything else that you're paying for, other than health insurance.
She needs to learn that being an adult doesn't mean that you have no chores. It means you have more chores, and you need to do them without someone nagging.
I agree with this. If her friends and your extended family think it's so horrible, then maybe they'll take her in. Since they don't want a lazy loafer around any more than you do, though, this is not likely to work out for her. Also, her rent was covering a private bedroom with a door, I assume? Since she's not paying, the door can come off. Or stick her in the den and turn her room into something else. Basically, make her choices 1. Follow the rules, 2. Don't follow the rules and live a spartan existence at home, 3. Move out. If she comes around and wants to play by the rules, don't reinstate privileges until she pays back the money you advanced her as well as the month's rent I'm assuming she didn't pay.
Where did she live before when she moved out? Is there an option for her to return to that scenario?
Make it very unpleasant to live at home if she doesn't follow the rules. Give her notice that you will no longer be paying for her cell phone and that from now on only people who play by the rules will have access to the home wifi password. If you are currently buying her special favorite foods, doing her laundry or cleaning her room stop. Those are privileges that people who follow the rules receive. She is testing your limits to see what she can get away with. She will either start following the rules or she will move out. Call her bluff. Maybe one of the people who think you are horrible parents will take her in but very doubtful.
Explain that if you were really a landlord, she would have been kicked out MONTHS ago for non-payment of rent. Rent is not something that you pay if you feel like it. If you were being a real hard-knock case about it, you'd take her to small claims court to pay the rent that she owes you, just like a "real" landlord would.
Sorry, whiny 19 year olds are hell. She is not an "adult" if she depends on you for a roof over her head and food in her belly. She is a "dependent". Dependents have to earn respect -- she's failing miserably at that.
I'd call her bluff, bring home some moving boxes, put them in her room with note that says "start packing -- September 1st is tomorrow."
Oh, and yeah -- cut off the phone and internet access at a minimum.
Sounds like my Narcissist mom. At 18, she didnt care if you had a plan, money, or a place to go, you were OUT and not coming back come hell or high water. PS- my parents paid for NOTHING. New clothes? Car? Insurance? phone? Get a job or go without. I started working at 14.
If charging yours rent and having ground rules works, then keep at it. I dont hate my mom for it. I think it just made her a bit more heartless than she already was.
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