Why do parents often discourage their adult children?

[jane_sm1th73]

Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird

My parents were like this...starting when I was in preschool and was dancing around the house and saying I wanted to be a ballet dancer. I was quickly told how stupid that was because its a one in a million shot and I don't have the body type.

It went on and on, every time I had any aspiration (I stopped having them for a long time) until I was a 4.0 student in college and told my parents I planned to go to grad school. Same damn thing.

I wish I had learned how not to let it get to me...but it did. Because it isn't just comments on what I want to be when I grow up...it was a systematic attack on my self worth and self esteem. That is much harder to get over.

In my experience, its best to set strong boundaries and protect yourself.

Respectfully, let me take the under on that one.

Let's say you have a 24 year old son who is too cool for school, who decided to be stupid in eighth grade because he wanted to fit in with his friends, who barely graduated from HS, and after graduation, decided that he wants to be a millionaire entrepreneur.

No background, no education, no skills, wasn't born into it, no money. Arrested twice (already) for breach of peace. Disparages "jobs" because he does not want to make "other people rich". Actually, does not fathom the concept that an arrest record and a failure to graduate puberty 101 (self-control) could impact his likelihood to attain adult independence.

Were I that parent, I would not care WHAT that child "wants" - he is the poster child for not leaving the house without a leash. Regardless of what he "wants", or his "self-esteem", or the excuses he makes for himself, what he NEEDS is boot camp. Or any other structured environment in which he is too exhausted to provoke mischief at the end of every day, which is mission-driven, which has strong male role models, and which has a cohort that is also laboring under the same structure.

Boot camp, trade union apprenticeship, or prison. Personally, I've advised said young man that his best alternative is the military or a real trade union. Electricians, Pipefitters, whatever. In the military or in the trades, he gets paid for his efforts and progression. In jail, not so much.

This is a real example about yet another "special snowflake" in CT. His father already had a stroke. His mother is working up to one.

I know the mother, and my heart bleeds.

To your point: it really IS possible that young people are delusional about the attainable. It is NOT the parents' fault, assuming they are data-driven.

FYI - said young man believes his parents are "mean".

[dblackga]

Originally Posted by hermitam

A person has ambitions, is interested in a certain trade, or his own ideas of what he wants to do in life. If he tells his family, he'll often be met with discouragement, berating, or fearmongering from mostly his parents and sometimes siblings.

In certain cases like this, is it best to not tell family anything? Has anyone ever been discouraged or faced fearmongering from their parents?

Because his family is fearful and afraid of new things. They want their child to be "safe", and striking out on your own in new directions is often not "safe".

As long as you are not a burden on anyone else, go for it. It's your life, not theirs. Take some risks, take some changes, try new things. You never know what may result.

[sas318]

Parents disapproving of what you want in life. Happens all the time!!! Ultimately, you end up doing what you want to do, not what they want you to do. And you just live with the parents' complaints. Hopefully, you won't have to see them so much.