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I have been divorced from my wife for 4 years now. For most of that time our son who was 23 at the time of the divorce lived with me. At the time he had a steady job but if he got sick and missed work he would not get paid for the day. My son suffers from seizures. When we lived together if he came up short with his share of the rent I could cover and still be able to pay the other bills. Last December we had to move out of the apartment and unfortunately I could not find another affordable two bedroom apartment. My son moved back into the house with his mother (my ex-wife under the same rules that I had already established in regards to him paying for his living expenses). I moved into a one bedroom apartment that I can comfortably afford.
Since I moved in on February my son got a new job as a security guard, and is actually building up a savings account (while continuing to pay his way). For a while he had been depressed about moving back into the house to live with his mother, but has been nothing less than helpful especially in helping care for my ex's 94 year old father who now lives with her. The problem is my ex is now badgering me to do more things with my son. She says I haven't called or take him out to eat. I reminded her that as a father I have not missed a single milestone in his life and that I have always been involved in both of our children's lives (we also have a 20 year old daughter in college). Furthermore I also reminded her that our son is a grown @** man and not a little kid. I have work and my own responsibilities. Our son is a grown adult who has (or should) have his own friends he wants to spend time with. Next week I plan on driving to Washington DC to visit our daughter in college. I did not plan to take him along as I want to make the trip on my own, but my ex keeps trying to lay a guilt trip on me. I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to handle this without any further hurt feelings because I don't appreciate being given the uninvolved father speech when that is so far from the truth.
I have been divorced from my wife for 4 years now. For most of that time our son who was 23 at the time of the divorce lived with me. At the time he had a steady job but if he got sick and missed work he would not get paid for the day. My son suffers from seizures. When we lived together if he came up short with his share of the rent I could cover and still be able to pay the other bills. Last December we had to move out of the apartment and unfortunately I could not find another affordable two bedroom apartment. My son moved back into the house with his mother (my ex-wife under the same rules that I had already established in regards to him paying for his living expenses). I moved into a one bedroom apartment that I can comfortably afford.
Since I moved in on February my son got a new job as a security guard, and is actually building up a savings account (while continuing to pay his way). For a while he had been depressed about moving back into the house to live with his mother, but has been nothing less than helpful especially in helping care for my ex's 94 year old father who now lives with her. The problem is my ex is now badgering me to do more things with my son. She says I haven't called or take him out to eat. I reminded her that as a father I have not missed a single milestone in his life and that I have always been involved in both of our children's lives (we also have a 20 year old daughter in college). Furthermore I also reminded her that our son is a grown @** man and not a little kid. I have work and my own responsibilities. Our son is a grown adult who has (or should) have his own friends he wants to spend time with. Next week I plan on driving to Washington DC to visit our daughter in college. I did not plan to take him along as I want to make the trip on my own, but my ex keeps trying to lay a guilt trip on me. I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to handle this without any further hurt feelings because I don't appreciate being given the uninvolved father speech when that is so far from the truth.
I suspect what you consider "involved" is different than what she is talking about. Just because he is grown does not mean he shouldn't or doesn't want to see or interact with his father. Not as someone who can back him up financially but as a relationship.
If I recall correctly this lack of connection is not a new issue between you and your son.
I never said I don't want to see my son. I think that a 27 year old man is (1) capable of communicating on his own what he wants to do. (2) I lived with him for four years we came and went based on our work schedules and I stressed wile he lived with me the importance of being able to support yourself and taking care of personal business. If you want to hang out, go on vacation, movies and all the other entertainment you have to meet your financial responsibilities first. That was the life lesson I taught him while he lived with me. I'm not a divorced dad that walked out on my son during his formative years. I never did that to either him or his sister. We have done plenty of things together during the last 4 years and yet in the last 2 months I'm an uninvolved father???? Of a 27 year old Man??
I never said I don't want to see my son. I think that a 27 year old man is (1) capable of communicating on his own what he wants to do. (2) I lived with him for four years we came and went based on our work schedules and I stressed wile he lived with me the importance of being able to support yourself and taking care of personal business. If you want to hang out, go on vacation, movies and all the other entertainment you have to meet your financial responsibilities first. That was the life lesson I taught him while he lived with me. I'm not a divorced dad that walked out on my son during his formative years. I never did that to either him or his sister. We have done plenty of things together during the last 4 years and yet in the last 2 months I'm an uninvolved father???? Of a 27 year old Man??
What does hanging out with a family member have to do with meeting financial responsibilities? I must be missing how financial responsibilities have anything to do with calling your son or setting up times to meet up to do activities that might be free or very low cost. Spending time with one’s father shouldn’t be predicated on meeting one’s financial responsibilities or be considered “entertainment.â€
If I read correctly your son is now 27, so IMHO, yes, he should be doing some of the calls to you and saying things like "Dad, I missed you. Let's get together for lunch or let's do X or Z together". But that does not take away your responsibility in doing your share, even more than your share, of the calls and the invitations to get together. After all you are his father and will be his father until the day that you die.
Of course, families are different. How often do you call and see your father and mother?
I think I understand. You do not want to feel obligated to take him to see his sister, as you would do if he was a minor. He "should" have his own life, friends, activities.
I think the beef has to do with the ex-wife pressuring you to "be more involved" and the son is a "man," not a child, so you don't feel the need to treat him like a child. Is that it?
And it sounds like you don't like to hang out with him.
If I read correctly your son is now 27, so IMHO, yes, he should be doing some of the calls to you and saying things like "Dad, I missed you. Let's get together for lunch or let's do X or Z together". But that does not take away your responsibility in doing your share, even more than your share, of the calls and the invitations to get together. After all you are his father and will be his father until the day that you die.
Of course, families are different. How often do you call and see your father and mother?
I have done things with my son when we lived together. I have only been living in this new apartment since February. I have a very difficult schedule at work and if I'm not working part of the weekend the other part I barely catch up on sleep. I resent my ex-wife portraying this as something it isn't. He is a grown man, and men find things to do. As far as my own parents go I speak to them every now and then. They saw my new apartment just last weekend. I admit I'm not good at calling every day or week, but I do see them from time to time.
Why so cold? Didn’t you say he’s meeting his own financial responsibilities (and saving and stepping up to family responsibilities), so how is that even relevant to whether or not you want to/should spend time with him?
It’s kinda weird that you don’t want to drive with your own son to see your daughter/his sister. Do you like him? Could it be he’s too scared to ask you himself because he thinks he’ll be rejected? (It doesn’t matter how old you are, no one wants to get the cold shoulder from a parent, unless there’s pre-existing bad blood).
Or is this more to do with the dynamic between you and your ex?
I think I understand. You do not want to feel obligated to take him to see his sister, as you would do if he was a minor. He "should" have his own life, friends, activities.
I think the beef has to do with the ex-wife pressuring you to "be more involved" and the son is a "man," not a child, so you don't feel the need to treat him like a child. Is that it?
And it sounds like you don't like to hang out with him.
I do like spending time with him. As for everything else you hit he nail directly on the head.
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