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I have reason to believe that my nephew who is 8 has been sexually abused by his father. His father was caught with child porn about 3 years ago and my sister continued to let him go see him. Well today he told her that he has experienced orally with a few of his friends and my 9 yr. old son. My son says that this never happened and that he isnt sure why his cousin is saying that. My question is how do I know if my son is telling the truth? Or is he trying to keep his cousin out of trouble? I am very worried about this as my children have learned since a very young age what is appropriate touching and what isnt. We bought those good touch bad touch books, and have always taught them that they should tell. I am worried about having my son around him if he is experiencing this kind of behavior. Any advice on how to tell if my son has been harmed? Thanks to all who respond.
Your first clue is behavior. Has his changed recently? Grades changing, less interested socially or withdrawn or most likely anger outbursts? Kids do lie for various reasons, even young ones but and this is a big BUT, if you have a child that is telling you that he had this experience with yours then you need to listen. Your son most likely will not tell you out of embarassment or fear of what will happen and has some feelings of responsability.
Remove him from the situation permanently without creating a big stir, be creative like you'd do when you don't want to see a family member at a party (not today we have other things to do) and then kind of watch your child to see how he's acting.
There may be something there or there may not and as his parent you have the best reading on his moods and behaivor. If you feel in oyur gut that it did happen, not just fear that it did but really think it did then you will need to take action.
What's hard is you're dealing with an 8 yr old who is dealing with a disfunctional family and it's possible he's looking for attention and knows this will get it even if it's bad or he's really doing this. No matter what I'd talk to the mother and calmly let her know what you're hearing so she can at least decide what to do.
I don't envy your position one bit since someone is going to get hurt either way.
I have reason to believe that my nephew who is 8 has been sexually abused by his father. His father was caught with child porn about 3 years ago and my sister continued to let him go see him. Well today he told her that he has experienced orally with a few of his friends and my 9 yr. old son. My son says that this never happened and that he isnt sure why his cousin is saying that. My question is how do I know if my son is telling the truth? Or is he trying to keep his cousin out of trouble? I am very worried about this as my children have learned since a very young age what is appropriate touching and what isnt. We bought those good touch bad touch books, and have always taught them that they should tell. I am worried about having my son around him if he is experiencing this kind of behavior. Any advice on how to tell if my son has been harmed? Thanks to all who respond.
First, I am sorry to read that you are going through. It is horrible to think that your child possibly has been a victim of any kind of abuse regardless of the age of the person causing it.
Having said that. I know from when I was teaching my children about good touches and bad touches that I always told told them that if anyone ever touched them in a bad way they needed to tell me so that we (adults/parents) could make sure that they could never hurt anyone again.
Your concern about perhaps your son not wanting to get his cousin in trouble is a very valid one. If anything did happen he may be feeling very conflicted between the feelings that it was wrong, shame about what happened and love for his cousin and not wanting him to get in trouble.
My advice would be to try to first monitor and see if there has been any change in his behavior that may lead you to feel something has happened to your little boy. Second, try talking to your son and assuring him that he would not be getting his cousin in trouble. That if his cousin did do something, you need to know so that his cousin can get the help that he needs because he is hurting himself too by doing this. Make it a concern thing more than a going to punish him thing.
Obviously from your post your son has been told what his cousin said so perhaps asking him how he feels about it, what his cousin is doing or has done will also get him to open up a little or give you some insight as to what is going on in his little mind.
As for your sister's child. There is obviously a problem there. If the father is into child porn, that child has to be protected and should not be around that environment. If abuse hasn't happened yet, it is a highly risky environment for it to happen. The father needs to be dealt with on this matter. As for the child, he should be in some sort of counseling where a trained professional may be able to help this boy express what has happened and what has not happened and can help him heal from it without furthering the abuse or now passing it on to others.
It's a tough situation that you are in. My heart goes out to you.
I do have a couple questions though.... How does your sister feel about all this? What does she say about what is going and what her son is saying happened? Is she doing anything about it?
Your sister's husband was 'caught' with child porn. Was he caught by your sister or by the police? Possession of child porn is a sex offense and against the law. If your sister has this knowledge, she possibly could be charged with child endangerment because she did nothing to protect her child from a sexual offender. Having possession of child porn is against the law and a crime against children. Have the police been involved in this case yet? Is he a registered sex offender? Or is this happening 'under the table' and the police are not involved yet? If the child porn thing has not been reported to authorities yet, it needs to be.
First, I am sorry to read that you are going through. It is horrible to think that your child possibly has been a victim of any kind of abuse regardless of the age of the person causing it.
Hi Mari4him, slightly off topic, but would you consider it abuse if it were two very young children experimenting with sexual stuff?
I know it kind of makes me squemish to think about such young children doing anything sexual - but do you think they view it as sexual? Or is it more of a show me yours and I'll show you mine? I don't know that I think that is particularly not normal. Perhaps it crosses the line when it comes to touching?
I think when they get to teenage years and know more, maybe it changes. I guess anything a kid under 10 days with regards to touching their own or someone elses 'bits' seems like it would be innocently meant.
What do you think?
To the OP - sounds like a very difficult situation. I don't have kids, so don't know what I would do in this situation. Probably talk to the Mother, but difficult all around. Good luck.
Hi Mari4him, slightly off topic, but would you consider it abuse if it were two very young children experimenting with sexual stuff?
I know it kind of makes me squemish to think about such young children doing anything sexual - but do you think they view it as sexual? Or is it more of a show me yours and I'll show you mine? I don't know that I think that is particularly not normal. Perhaps it crosses the line when it comes to touching?
I think when they get to teenage years and know more, maybe it changes. I guess anything a kid under 10 days with regards to touching their own or someone elses 'bits' seems like it would be innocently meant.
What do you think?
To the OP - sounds like a very difficult situation. I don't have kids, so don't know what I would do in this situation. Probably talk to the Mother, but difficult all around. Good luck.
would you consider it abuse if it were two very young children experimenting with sexual stuff?
I consider it abuse, regardless of the age when one is taken advantage of another. I was only 6-7 years old when I was molested by a 11-12 year old. Do I believe that his intention was necessarily to abuse me? Probably not. It however does not erase or change the fact that it was an abuse upon me. I was young, nieve and innocent and didn't quite know how to handle it. Back then there was not as much talk, warning given to children nor preparations on how to deal with it. I didn't tell anyone, didn't know how and somehow felt that it was my fault. This effected me for many years. I blocked it out of my memory for a short time and had it flood back into my memory when I became pregnant with my first child. At which time I finally began to deal with it all. Even though I had blocked it out for some time, looking back I can see how it affected me in many ways all through my pre-teen and teenage years.
Whether or not they should be treated with the harshness of an abuser at such a young age is questionable and I would say depends a lot on how much the offender knew and understood what they were doing was actually abuse. Regardless though, it needs to be dealt with and both the offender and the victim need to receive counseling or help in some way.
but do you think they view it as sexual? Or is it more of a show me yours and I'll show you mine?
Whether they view it as sexual or not guess depends on the individual child. I am not sure if the boy doing this to me viewed it as sexual. I am not even sure I viewed it as sexual. I did however feel dirty and knew it was wrong.
I think the natural curiousity of a child with the whole "show me yours and I'll show you mine" is far different that what is being talked about on this thread. This activity went far beyond "showing". The OP specifically mentioned "oral". This is a sexual act that goes beyond simple curiousity and is definately, in my opinion, reason for concern.
I am not sure at what age one would cap activities and move them from simple curiousity to a more knowing act. I would think that by age 5 (school age) there is an understanding of right and wrong behavior. If not sooner. Whether the child views it as a sexual act or not should be irrelevant as they should at least be aware that it is not something they should be doing. In other words, wrong behavior. Most kids by age 5 understand the difference between right and wrong.
Hi everyone. Ok to answer some questions here..the father was caught with child porn and we did call the police I sat through long hours of video with the police as my sister just couldnt do it. At that time my nephew was only 3 years old. She immediatly left the father. He moved in with is mother and that is the only reason why my sister allowed my nephew to go over there. The police confiscated all the evidence and when nothing was done about the father we were told that the evidence had been destroyed "accidentally". I have talked to my son today in great length about his cousin needing help, and then talked to my sister. My son did tell me that my nephew tried to show him his penis and my son told him that is disgusting and it is wrong and left the room. My nephew just keeps changing his story so we all have no idea as to what is going on. He says that he has had encounters with other children even at school, but today he is saying that nothing happened. I really feel that he is trying to cover up what is going on with his father. My sister has now taken him away from the father until they can get into court. As far as the police go my sister called them and they came out last night but my nephew changed the story once again. The officer gave her a number to call and said to get him into counceling and try to get him to tell them what really happened then they can prosecute. I just wonder how many times parents call with concerns about molestation and the police do nothing. I guess that is why these child predators get away with molesting dozens of children before they are caught. It is truly a sad world we live in!
Hi everyone. Ok to answer some questions here..the father was caught with child porn and we did call the police I sat through long hours of video with the police as my sister just couldnt do it. At that time my nephew was only 3 years old. She immediatly left the father. He moved in with is mother and that is the only reason why my sister allowed my nephew to go over there. The police confiscated all the evidence and when nothing was done about the father we were told that the evidence had been destroyed "accidentally". I have talked to my son today in great length about his cousin needing help, and then talked to my sister. My son did tell me that my nephew tried to show him his penis and my son told him that is disgusting and it is wrong and left the room. My nephew just keeps changing his story so we all have no idea as to what is going on. He says that he has had encounters with other children even at school, but today he is saying that nothing happened. I really feel that he is trying to cover up what is going on with his father. My sister has now taken him away from the father until they can get into court. As far as the police go my sister called them and they came out last night but my nephew changed the story once again. The officer gave her a number to call and said to get him into counceling and try to get him to tell them what really happened then they can prosecute. I just wonder how many times parents call with concerns about molestation and the police do nothing. I guess that is why these child predators get away with molesting dozens of children before they are caught. It is truly a sad world we live in!
I am glad about a couple of things here in your post. 1) the in depth conversation that you had with your son, it's important for him to know he can talk to you about anything and everything. 2) that your sister is keeping her son away from the father because it is quite obvious that something has been seen by this child if not possibly experienced. 3) that she is going to look into counseling for your nephew, this is an important step and hopefully through the counseling he will be able to sort things out and work through them.
In regards to the police. My ex-husband is a police officer and from being married to him for 16 years I came to understand that they do take these accusations very seriously. It is not often up to them whether these predators are prosecuted or not, that is more a job of the prosecutors, lawyers and court system. I can't tell you the number of times that my ex was so upset seeing someone he arrested walking the streets again just a couple days later. It is frustrating to them. However, by the same token, the fact that your nephew continues to change the story is not helping matters much. The police do need to be careful that they are moving on facts and actual events, hard to do that with changing stories. In a way it is a protection to someone being wrongfully or hastily accused of something that perhaps they didn't do. Just as there are many children out there that get abused, there are also cases where false accusations are also raised. The police do need to make sure they are working on truth and facts.
Hopefully, nothing has physically happened to your nephew but if it has, then hopefully it will all get sorted out and the true story will come out so that the police can act on it and his father, or whoever is involved, will face the consequences for their actions.
Hi everyone. Ok to answer some questions here..the father was caught with child porn and we did call the police I sat through long hours of video with the police as my sister just couldnt do it. At that time my nephew was only 3 years old. She immediatly left the father. He moved in with is mother and that is the only reason why my sister allowed my nephew to go over there. The police confiscated all the evidence and when nothing was done about the father we were told that the evidence had been destroyed "accidentally". I have talked to my son today in great length about his cousin needing help, and then talked to my sister. My son did tell me that my nephew tried to show him his penis and my son told him that is disgusting and it is wrong and left the room. My nephew just keeps changing his story so we all have no idea as to what is going on. He says that he has had encounters with other children even at school, but today he is saying that nothing happened. I really feel that he is trying to cover up what is going on with his father. My sister has now taken him away from the father until they can get into court. As far as the police go my sister called them and they came out last night but my nephew changed the story once again. The officer gave her a number to call and said to get him into counceling and try to get him to tell them what really happened then they can prosecute. I just wonder how many times parents call with concerns about molestation and the police do nothing. I guess that is why these child predators get away with molesting dozens of children before they are caught. It is truly a sad world we live in!
It sounds like you are doing everything you can to help your son and your nephew. Counseling is important for your nephew. There are trained sexual assault counselors who know how to ask the right questions to alleged sexual abuse victims. A lot of times, if the person questioning the child is not properly trained in counseling abuse issues, it can mess up the entire case, thus leading the child to fabricate, 'not remember', etc.
when children describe events and details please please please
PARENTS MUST BELIEVE THEM
it is further betrayal and harm on the child to have adults he has confided in dismiss it, disbelieve it, talk him out of it, discount it, tell him he's making it up, laugh it off, punish him or tell him he is exaggerating, that didn't happen at all
BELIEVE HIM
One way of validating for yourself (not as a way of doubting him) is through asking him at different times for details: are the details the same each time? are they sexually explicit of parts and activities that do "ring true" for the act he is describing? is he able to provide details? have him show you with dolls or stuffed animals what happened and who did what?
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I have reason to believe that my nephew who is 8 has been sexually abused by his father. His father was caught with child porn about 3 years ago and my sister continued to let him go see him. Well today he told her that he has experienced orally with a few of his friends and my 9 yr. old son. My son says that this never happened and that he isnt sure why his cousin is saying that. My question is how do I know if my son is telling the truth? Or is he trying to keep his cousin out of trouble? I am very worried about this as my children have learned since a very young age what is appropriate touching and what isnt. We bought those good touch bad touch books, and have always taught them that they should tell. I am worried about having my son around him if he is experiencing this kind of behavior. Any advice on how to tell if my son has been harmed? Thanks to all who respond.
