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Why so cold? Didn’t you say he’s meeting his own financial responsibilities (and saving and stepping up to family responsibilities), so how is that even relevant to whether or not you want to/should spend time with him?
It’s kinda weird that you don’t want to drive with your own son to see your daughter/his sister. Do you like him? Could it be he’s too scared to ask you himself because he thinks he’ll be rejected? (It doesn’t matter how old you are, no one wants to get the cold shoulder from a parent, unless there’s pre-existing bad blood).
Or is this more to do with the dynamic between you and your ex?
I'm not trying to be cold. Its that he is not a kid. He is meeting his own financial responsibilities, so if he wants to do something he can think of something to do and ask me if I'm available to go do it. I don't believe in treating him like I did when he was a teenager. He does his own thing I do mine. My ex didn't involve herself with what went on between us when he lived with me because I had to tell her I ran things differently under my roof. All who disagree are welcome to leave. I never told her to spend more time with him I always told him if you want to do something with your mother its up to you to say what you want and sometimes she may not be able to go with you. Its not the end of the world. Deal with it.
So you would spend time with him, you just don't want your ex telling you that you SHOULD spend time with him.
Point is he is an adult. I'm an adult. I have only been living alone for barely 2 months. Hardly enough time to make a statement like that ESPECIALLY since she knows I spent time with our children growing up and during the 4 years our son and I lived together after the divorce.
The problem is my ex is now badgering me to do more things with my son. She says I haven't called or take him out to eat. I reminded her that as a father I have not missed a single milestone in his life and that I have always been involved in both of our children's lives (we also have a 20 year old daughter in college). Furthermore I also reminded her that our son is a grown @** man and not a little kid. I have work and my own responsibilities. Our son is a grown adult who has (or should) have his own friends he wants to spend time with. Next week I plan on driving to Washington DC to visit our daughter in college. I did not plan to take him along as I want to make the trip on my own, but my ex keeps trying to lay a guilt trip on me.
If you were the one who left her, she's probably trying to get her hooks back into you or continue to try and exert control in your life. Remind her that you are NOT her husband anymore. The issue is not your son, she is just using him as an excuse to put guilt on you. Your ex-wife needs to move on. I've seen this many times after a divorce. Just be there for your son if he really needs you but don't take that coming from your ex-wife. You probably don't need to talk to her at all, ever, if the divorce is finalized and everything is said and done. Just tell her to only contact you if there is a medical emergency with your son.
Some people can't get out of the parenting role after their child is an adult, and your ex-wife might be one of those people. Sounds like a woman I know who gets mad at her friends, if they don't still buy her son Christmas and birthday presents, even though he's 22 years old now. It is a guilt trip to lay on other people. She needs to stop playing helicopter mommy and move on.
Point is he is an adult. I'm an adult. I have only been living alone for barely 2 months. Hardly enough time to make a statement like that ESPECIALLY since she knows I spent time with our children growing up and during the 4 years our son and I lived together after the divorce.
Then just tell her - kindly - that you appreciate her concern but you would prefer she not tell you how you should parent your son.
You do have to be intentional about maintaining a relationship with older kids, though, so don't lose any momentum just because you aren't seeing each other by default by living together.
Your post makes me sad. My daughter goes to school 1000 miles away and I try to see her whenever I can...it's expensive! But I love spending time with her, we have a deep friendship. So I make it a financial priority. I initiate the trips almost all the time, because she still sees me as the parental, organizing figure. Just because your son is an adult doesn't mean the lifelong dynamic between you two has changed
It sounds like you are testing your son's love by expecting him to initiate. Why the game?
I can understand why you want to visit with your daughter without her brother there too. It really isn't your wife's place to intrude. I suggest that you just keep seeing all the members of your family when you can and phoning in between.
I can understand why you want to visit with your daughter without her brother there too. It really isn't your wife's place to intrude. I suggest that you just keep seeing all the members of your family when you can and phoning in between.
I agree with this!
I 'm actually not quite sure why everyone is bashing the OP? As he stated, his son is 27, not a kid. Staying in contact is a 2 way street. The son should probably be living on his own by now anyway.
(snip)
I 'm actually not quite sure why everyone is bashing the OP? As he stated, his son is 27, not a kid. Staying in contact is a 2 way street. The son should probably be living on his own by now anyway.
I'm not bashing him. I agree that communication is a two way street between parents and adult children, whether they are 27 and 50 or 50 and 75.
I don’t get the impression you don’t want to have a relationship or spend time with your adult son at all, it’s having someone interfering and needling you that is the issue. I’d say just text or talk to your son as you do normally and ignore the mothers opinions. You shouldn’t have to justify yourself or make excuses. There are times you want to spend time with your son and times you want to spend with your daughter, this is between you and your adult children .
On the other hand road trips are a great opportunity for bonding and having quality time.
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