My 12 year old may be gay and suicidal (bullying, teens, teaching)

[sadparent]

I have always suspected, but my 12 year old son may be gay. He always had a more a more feminine side to him than other boys, and I thought that was okay and perhaps just a stage. Yesterday, I decided to go through his internet browsing history, and I saw that he googled "what does the bible say about homosexuality?" He then later googled "anti-suicidal songs." I also noticed in the last few days that he's been praying to God more, so that is somewhat a concern.

He goes to a private Christian school, and came to me a while back crying at night that the boys at school have been mean to him (saying things about him). The only closer friend he had stopped being friends with him. I don't know if it was mutual because my son was complaining about that friend how unkind he was, and I did tell him that sometimes you just need to unfriend people who are not good for you. That friend was telling my son how wrong he finds that my son is too feminine because my son has a lot of female friends (rather than males), that my son likes Anime, how my son keeps his fingers long, put cute stickers on his laptop, and he's into skincare, etc.

My son does very good at school (grades are not failing so far), but he's always struggled with making friends. I asked him if he wants to go to a public school where there will be more people, and he does not. He likes the school, just doesn't like that there's such a small number of people to make friends with, and obviously not the boys there.

I asked him last night if anything's been bothering him, and of course he said no. I did tell him I know something's bothering him because I'm his mom and I can read him well. He then said yes, and I just vaguely told him that he can tell me anything even if he thinks he's wrong or that the world thinks it's wrong. He can always come to me and I will not judge him, will always love him, support and protect him.

My question is what do I need to do now? I read that I should wait until he opens up to me about his sexuality. But him being gay is not even my biggest concern now. I'm worried that he may feel hopeless and worthless because he is something that the majority of the world (and the Christian faith condemns), and that it's making him feel suicidal. Do I tell him that I know, and that it's okay if he is? And that he will be forgiven regardless? And that suicide is not that answer? Do I send him to a specific therapist? If you've been through this before, please help.

[oregonwoodsmoke]

First step is to take him out of that religious school. Fundamental type Christian settings aren't good for young gay people.


You have to sit him down and tell him that there is nothing wrong with him and that you love him all the same and you don't care if he wants to take a look at homosexuality and then decide for himself. That maybe some of the people at school are bigots and that Christ most likely doesn't approve of bigotry and that he is very young and he has lots of time to explore life and make up his own mind and that once his mind is made up, he isn't locked in and can change it later if he decides to.

[ClaraC]

I agree about taking him out of the religious school, if he's getting the message that his thoughts are sinful.

What does he do well? What does he enjoy doing? With summer coming, now is the time to get him into activities that move his body and mind. Horseback riding? Minecraft? Archery?

[Driver 47]

Originally Posted by oregonwoodsmoke

First step is to take him out of that religious school. Fundamental type Christian settings aren't good for young gay people.


You have to sit him down and tell him that there is nothing wrong with him and that you love him all the same and you don't care if he wants to take a look at homosexuality and then decide for himself.
<snip>

What oregonwoodsmoke said. These so called "christians" are the most hypocritical people I've ever met. Having your son in the christian school could be toxic and very unhealthy mentally I have a friend of mine since childhood who's early life was similar to your (OP's) son. We all thought he was gay but he transitioned in his 20's and is now a woman. Just be ready for that IF it comes to pass. Keep on reminding him that he is loved and accepted regardless of sexual preference or gender expression.

You might want to seek out PFLAG (Parents/ friends /Lesbian/ gay support group. They can help you cope with this and understand his motivations. Best wishes.

[Sonic_Spork]

As much as I am personally not a fan of religion in general, I think that for a kid who has really embraced it to have the plug pulled abruptly like that might really be hard, even if it is a source of painful internal conflict.

Instead, what I would suggest is to look, ASAP, for churches in your area that have a focus on inclusion and acceptance of LGBTQ+ congregants and that have youth programs. One where he would instead be told that God loves him, that God loves all of His children. He needs affirmation that his nature is not evil. And just frame it as, "hey, I heard good things about this church, and they're having a service and I want to go check it out."

I hope very much that there is such a place in your vicinity. I don't know if you live in a rural place or not, after all, so hopefully your options are not terribly limited.

After he gets some good support in place, then it will make sense to have conversations about how different faith groups interpret the Bible differently. Personally...while again, I am not religious, but I do have a kind of personal faith and philosophy here... I think that there is wisdom and value in most religious teachings, but the more we try to hold them to a literal and explicit "this interpretation is right and everything else is wrong" standard...the more we are missing the point. I don't feel that any kind of God really wants us to have easy, literal answers. It's all supposed to make you think, question, and seek truth with your mind and heart. And it is a lifelong journey.

And most people who try to throw the weight of the Bible behind their agenda, or who claim that it clearly says that god is for this and against that... They are speaking from their own ego's desire for power, not from any real spiritual truth in my opinion.

Anyways. Point is, your child need not be expected to choose between orientation (if indeed he is gay) and faith. That is a big and scary conflict for a kid that age. I'd be looking for ways for him to healthily experience both, along with a more encouraging social environment if possible. The new school question can come a little later. You don't want to do too much big change, too fast here.

[gentlearts]

I’m not sure how the public schools are near you, or what your other options are for private school, but he is definitely not well suited to the school he’s in. He’s sounds like a smart kid, who would do well in any school.

If you attend the church that is affiliated with that school, you might want to rethink that. PFLAG is an excellent place to start, and I would bet they can suggest a support group for your son, with like minded kids.

[dr.strangelove]

Originally Posted by sadparent

I have always suspected, but my 12 year old son may be gay. He always had a more a more feminine side to him than other boys, and I thought that was okay and perhaps just a stage. Yesterday, I decided to go through his internet browsing history, and I saw that he googled "what does the bible say about homosexuality?" He then later googled "anti-suicidal songs." I also noticed in the last few days that he's been praying to God more, so that is somewhat a concern.

He goes to a private Christian school, and came to me a while back crying at night that the boys at school have been mean to him (saying things about him). The only closer friend he had stopped being friends with him. I don't know if it was mutual because my son was complaining about that friend how unkind he was, and I did tell him that sometimes you just need to unfriend people who are not good for you. That friend was telling my son how wrong he finds that my son is too feminine because my son has a lot of female friends (rather than males), that my son likes Anime, how my son keeps his fingers long, put cute stickers on his laptop, and he's into skincare, etc.

My son does very good at school (grades are not failing so far), but he's always struggled with making friends. I asked him if he wants to go to a public school where there will be more people, and he does not. He likes the school, just doesn't like that there's such a small number of people to make friends with, and obviously not the boys there.

I asked him last night if anything's been bothering him, and of course he said no. I did tell him I know something's bothering him because I'm his mom and I can read him well. He then said yes, and I just vaguely told him that he can tell me anything even if he thinks he's wrong or that the world thinks it's wrong. He can always come to me and I will not judge him, will always love him, support and protect him.

My question is what do I need to do now? I read that I should wait until he opens up to me about his sexuality. But him being gay is not even my biggest concern now. I'm worried that he may feel hopeless and worthless because he is something that the majority of the world (and the Christian faith condemns), and that it's making him feel suicidal. Do I tell him that I know, and that it's okay if he is? And that he will be forgiven regardless? And that suicide is not that answer? Do I send him to a specific therapist? If you've been through this before, please help.

First, I am so moved by your recognition and desire to help him. You need to have open discussions with him immediately. You need to let him no that he is loved by you and his family. That you not only care about his sexuality, but you support him 100%. He needs to know you and his immediate family are 100% on his team. Very few people consider suiside who know that no matter what, they have a system of absolute love and support.

Do not wait. Act now. I also think you need to do a little questioning and potentially growing yourself. I would try to help him understand that the majority of the world (and a boatload of the Christian faith) do not in any way condemn him. That homosexuality is openly accepted by the majority of the western world, including the majority of Christians in the western world. I also would tell him that it is okay if he doesn't even understand at 12 years old what his sexuality is, and that it is okay for him to have questions, and to continue to have questions for his whole life. There are 50 year olds who still have questions. Just let him know that whatever questions he has, whatever answers he explores, you are on his team. Ge the rest of the family on his team. If that is not possible, cut off anyone else and be 100% there for him.

Let him know that teenagers and adolescents often condemn what they do not understand, and that you will help him protect himself from such hatred and baseless condemnation whenever you can, including by pulling him from school and helping him find a place that he can be himself. Let him know that many young people go through thoughts and questions about themselves. Tell him not that you know, but that you suspect he is questioning his own sexuality and trying to understand who he is. All 12 year olds do this. Tell him this is normal. I would never raise suicide or self harm, but definitely tell him that if he wants to talk with someone that has experience in these areas, you will find him someone who has helped many teens through their own self exploration. And find someone. This offer should be made dozens of times, because it may take dozens of times for him to reach a point where he is ready to talk. that may be years from now, or tomorrow, or any other timeframe. I would tell him that there is nothing to be forgiven. that he is perfect how he is. And mostly, that you love and support him exactly how he is.

[Luckystrike1]

My thoughts swing against most of the suggestions on here.

He does not want to leave the school. This surprises me a bit but he is able to appreciate what he does like about it - so far. And he is able to keep up his grades and that's good, too. If he's doing some self-research, and prays, then at this point he is trying to find ways to deal with it. I would wait a little longer. Besides, a public school may not necessarily go any smoother for him than the one he attends now. Kids can be turds anywhere.

Have you a considered meeting with the school to address your concerns? I would NOT state your suspicions that your son may be gay, only that he is being bullied as such, and how he likes the school and is striving to do well. But they need to know what's going on. Homosexuality may be not be acceptable by some Christian faiths but that does not mean that they condone the behavior against your son. How the school connects with you on this could tell you volumes.

A therapist would be helpful but don't make him go kicking 'n' screaming. Just keep the communication open.

[sadparent]

Originally Posted by Luckystrike1

My thoughts swing against most of the suggestions on here.

Have you a considered meeting with the school to address your concerns? I would NOT state your suspicions that your son may be gay, only that he is being bullied as such, and how he likes the school and is striving to do well. But they need to know what's going on. Homosexuality may be not be acceptable by some Christian faiths but that does not mean that they condone the behavior against your son. How the school connects with you on this could tell you volumes.

His school specifically makes us sign paperwork every year in what they believe in, and they specifically state that marriage should be between a man and a woman.



The bullying has gotten better according to my son, but it could be because he's not telling me the whole truth, or that he chose to take my advice back when he came up to me - which was to ignore the bullies, call them out and defend himself, and hang out with different people (very hard since it's such a small school).


He likes the school too much, and yes, I agree going to a different school may not be any better and can be worse since he has been striving at this new school.

[steiconi]

Originally Posted by sadparent

His school specifically makes us sign paperwork every year in what they believe in, and they specifically state that marriage should be between a man and a woman.

Is that what you believe? Is it what you want your (possibly gay) son to believe?