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I have always suspected, but my 12 year old son may be gay. He always had a more a more feminine side to him than other boys, and I thought that was okay and perhaps just a stage. Yesterday, I decided to go through his internet browsing history, and I saw that he googled "what does the bible say about homosexuality?" He then later googled "anti-suicidal songs." I also noticed in the last few days that he's been praying to God more, so that is somewhat a concern.
He goes to a private Christian school, and came to me a while back crying at night that the boys at school have been mean to him (saying things about him). The only closer friend he had stopped being friends with him. I don't know if it was mutual because my son was complaining about that friend how unkind he was, and I did tell him that sometimes you just need to unfriend people who are not good for you. That friend was telling my son how wrong he finds that my son is too feminine because my son has a lot of female friends (rather than males), that my son likes Anime, how my son keeps his fingers long, put cute stickers on his laptop, and he's into skincare, etc.
My son does very good at school (grades are not failing so far), but he's always struggled with making friends. I asked him if he wants to go to a public school where there will be more people, and he does not. He likes the school, just doesn't like that there's such a small number of people to make friends with, and obviously not the boys there.
I asked him last night if anything's been bothering him, and of course he said no. I did tell him I know something's bothering him because I'm his mom and I can read him well. He then said yes, and I just vaguely told him that he can tell me anything even if he thinks he's wrong or that the world thinks it's wrong. He can always come to me and I will not judge him, will always love him, support and protect him.
My question is what do I need to do now? I read that I should wait until he opens up to me about his sexuality. But him being gay is not even my biggest concern now. I'm worried that he may feel hopeless and worthless because he is something that the majority of the world (and the Christian faith condemns), and that it's making him feel suicidal. Do I tell him that I know, and that it's okay if he is? And that he will be forgiven regardless? And that suicide is not that answer? Do I send him to a specific therapist? If you've been through this before, please help.
First of all, not all Christian denominations condemn homosexuality.
Second, if he was my son, I think he and I would go for a ride, and while riding along, I'd say something along the line of "I can tell something has been deeply bothering you for a long time. I want you to know how much I dearly love you, more than words can even express...and I love you that much, how much more God loves him, and that he is fearfully and wonderfully made. " And then, I'd just bite the bullet and ask him if he's gay, and if he is, it's not going to change how much you love him. And maybe contact PRIDE or the LGBT Alliance in your area for pamphlets, or support groups.
Since you sent him to a Christian school, I wonder what he has heard at home over the years. Anything similar to the marriage being between a man and a woman, or anything pertaining to gays and sin? How about at the church you attend?
Since you sent him to a Christian school, I wonder what he has heard at home over the years. Anything similar to the marriage being between a man and a woman, or anything pertaining to gays and sin? How about at the church you attend?
Yes, I think it is important that you convey that being gay, for anyone, is acceptable, and not just for him, if he is. If I was struggling with being homosexual in a Christian household that has openly decried homosexuals, just hearing that my parents will always still love me isn't enough. I would need them to say that, not only will they always love me unconditionally, they will also support my homosexual lifestyle and not judge any of my friends or future partners that are also homosexual.
Signing a pledge every year saying it is not ok isn't a great start.
But this does not mean that he IS gay. Being more feminine does not necessarily mean he is attracted to males. Have your entire household talk about acceptance of all people (not specifically directed at him) for a period of time, and I bet you will see your son open up more.
What may be the only true facts is: your son is being challenged by his peers.
Beyond that, until he openly speaks on what his orientation is, it's unwise to PRESUME.
He is transitioning in his physical physique ( awkward time indeed for a young person). With it comes all the outer pressures in today's environment.
If I was struggling with being homosexual in a Christian household that has openly decried homosexuals, just hearing that my parents will always still love me isn't enough. I would need them to say that, not only will they always love me unconditionally, they will also support my homosexual lifestyle and not judge any of my friends or future partners that are also homosexual.
Suppose the roles were reversed, and the teenage son of a homosexual couple came to Christ and embraced the teachings of the Bible, including that homosexual behavior is sinful. What if he asked his parents to support his religious beliefs and not judge anyone in the new church he's started attending, even if they do not approve of homosexuality. Do you think the parents would go along with this? Should they?
Most of the comments here are basically saying, if the OP's son's beliefs conflict with the church, then toss the church aside. But for those who have faith in the Christian God, this isn't something to just casually toss aside. And I think it would be a disservice to just blithely dismiss this aspect of the OP's son's life.
The Bible says what it says about homosexual behavior. But it also says that everyone, no matter what they might have done in life, is eligible to receive God's forgiveness and his mercy. I think this might be a good angle for the OP to pursue -- that God loves the OP's son unconditionally, even more than the OP does. It is good that he wants to pray, because that's a major way that one communicates with God. Let him pray, and let him seek after what God would tell him.
As for whether or not the son is gay, I think that's something that he should be allowed to express in his own time, and in his own way. It may be that he's just more effeminate than most men. Or it may be that he finds acceptance with the girls at his school, so he'd rather be more like them than the boys who don't treat him well.
Suppose the roles were reversed, and the teenage son of a homosexual couple came to Christ and embraced the teachings of the Bible, including that homosexual behavior is sinful. What if he asked his parents to support his religious beliefs and not judge anyone in the new church he's started attending, even if they do not approve of homosexuality. Do you think the parents would go along with this? Should they?
Most of the comments here are basically saying, if the OP's son's beliefs conflict with the church, then toss the church aside. But for those who have faith in the Christian God, this isn't something to just casually toss aside. And I think it would be a disservice to just blithely dismiss this aspect of the OP's son's life.
The Bible says what it says about homosexual behavior. But it also says that everyone, no matter what they might have done in life, is eligible to receive God's forgiveness and his mercy. I think this might be a good angle for the OP to pursue -- that God loves the OP's son unconditionally, even more than the OP does. It is good that he wants to pray, because that's a major way that one communicates with God. Let him pray, and let him seek after what God would tell him.
As for whether or not the son is gay, I think that's something that he should be allowed to express in his own time, and in his own way. It may be that he's just more effeminate than most men. Or it may be that he finds acceptance with the girls at his school, so he'd rather be more like them than the boys who don't treat him well.
Thank you for this.
One thing that many people who haven't actually studied Christian doctrine tend not to understand is that Biblical teaching condemns every single human who has ever lived or will ever live. We are all 100% sinful left to our own devices, and it doesn't matter what our particular vices or temptations are. Every single one of us must rely fully on the grace of God to resist temptation and on the sacrifice of Christ for our salvation, whether our sinful nature tends toward lying, stealing, violence, jealousy, same-sex attraction, pride, lust, or any other temptation. Modern culture muddies this by placing undue emphasis on sexuality and binding up one's identity with one's sexual urges, but the Bible teaches that we become new creations in Christ, with a new identity in him, and the old falls away.
But...as bus man says, OP, it would be a mistake to make any assumption about your son's sexual attraction right now. For most of his preteen and teen years, my husband's parents were pretty sure he was gay. He's definitely not, just does not fit the typical masculine stereotype. Lots of children don't fit the typical masculine or feminine stereotype, but that doesn't mean they're gay or born in the wrong body. Puberty is a confusing, difficult time for all kids. Knowing you love him no matter what and that you are there to help him sort through his confusion is what he needs most.
Suppose the roles were reversed, and the teenage son of a homosexual couple came to Christ and embraced the teachings of the Bible, including that homosexual behavior is sinful. What if he asked his parents to support his religious beliefs and not judge anyone in the new church he's started attending, even if they do not approve of homosexuality. Do you think the parents would go along with this? Should they?
Most of the comments here are basically saying, if the OP's son's beliefs conflict with the church, then toss the church aside. But for those who have faith in the Christian God, this isn't something to just casually toss aside. And I think it would be a disservice to just blithely dismiss this aspect of the OP's son's life.
The Bible says what it says about homosexual behavior. But it also says that everyone, no matter what they might have done in life, is eligible to receive God's forgiveness and his mercy. I think this might be a good angle for the OP to pursue -- that God loves the OP's son unconditionally, even more than the OP does. It is good that he wants to pray, because that's a major way that one communicates with God. Let him pray, and let him seek after what God would tell him.
As for whether or not the son is gay, I think that's something that he should be allowed to express in his own time, and in his own way. It may be that he's just more effeminate than most men. Or it may be that he finds acceptance with the girls at his school, so he'd rather be more like them than the boys who don't treat him well.
I don't know. I see your point, but this looks like it's way more than just the son's "beliefs," but who he is intrinsically. You don't believe you're gay; you either are or you aren't. Parents have a legal and moral obligation to ensure the wellbeing of their children. If certain beliefs or environments aren't healthy in that regard, yes, they should be challenged IMO.
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