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My 13yr old sons biological father is pushing to be apart of my sons life. I have a unique situation and I need some advice, support or just some sane reasoning from someone not involved. I had my son when I was 14yrs. The whole time I was pregnant his father who was 17yrs was abusive. He didnt want to have a baby and tried to push my stomach in so I would have a miscarriage. As the months went by he grew more and more abusive. After the baby I couldnt take it and I would try to break it off he would take my son an walk off with him telling me I would never see him again, so I would give in. He hung out with gang members and sold crack. I was scared of him. He even tricked me into bringing our 2 month old son to the park, when he knew there was going to be a gang fight. My son was 3 months old when I had enough, I didnt care if he was going to kill me I couldnt do it anymore. I left and got a restraining order. My mom had me take him to court for child support even though I didnt want to and thats when the judge asked him if he wanted any visitation rights, he said no. At 15yrs I had my own apt went to school and worked at a daycare center. I gave up my childhood to become a mother with little help from my own family and none from his father. I still keep in touch with my sons grandma and uncle on his fathers side. On my sons 4th birthday he showed up with his mom, girlfriend and dog. without me knowing he was coming. He told my Boyfriend (now husband) He wasn't ready for a kid and I need to realize that. Which he denies saying. I know it was years ago but I have heard things that he has done and he has now gotten out of jail after 3 years for killing someone. I dont know what the case is I dont want to know. But his family says it was an accident and not intentional. He is claiming that he is a changed man. The only reason I consider is because I dont want my son to resent us. My husband has been in his life since he was 3yrs. I feel like he already has a dad. Should I let my son make the decision? I got into a heated argument with his father about why is he calling my son. He was hoping my son could come visit him 2 states away. I just dont know what to do!! Sorry for writing a novel There is so much more to this story but I think I covered the importaint parts. Any help is much appreciated.
I would let a judge decide personally. They will most likely ask for a mental evaluation of the father if you want them to. And they will speak to your son to determine if he does want his father to be a part of his life.
If he wants to truly be a part of his life, he may just have to wait until your son is older so that he can make adult decisions should it become necessary.
Maybe you can get the court involved and get supervised visitation. That way you let your child see his bio father but only under certain conditions. That would give YOU peace of mind. And it would limit what the bio father could do.
But NO, I would not let your son go visit. If he wants his son to see him, he should come there and see him, under strict supervision. At least until your son is 18 and can is legally an adult. Liz
At least until your son is 18 and can is legally an adult. Liz
This is what I am doing with my own son. He is 15 and I had him when I was 15. His bio father was not as abusive as your son's bio father, but I had the same concerns for safety and wellbeing for myself and my son. Since he is not on the birth certificate, and although he was fully aware of this, he never contested it (my son's last name has always been my maiden name). When my son was about 3-4 years old, his bio father became very violent and I broke it off with him as a girlfriend, but gave him the option to still be a dad. Well, he ended up stalking me, because he couldn't be a dad if I wasn't his girlfriend. The rest is history.
My son grew up without his bio father since then. Like I said, his dad had the option, but did not take it. Since I had full custody by default (because I am the only parent listed on his birth certificate), I have decided that while he is still a child and until he is 18, I will make all decisions for him as his mother. This includes whether or not he should see his bio father. Throughout his life, I have spoken to him openly about my decisions and though there were rocky times, my son is understanding. He also has had a supportive and stable stepfather for the last 5 1/2 years, so it has been easier.
My advice to you would be the same as the previous poster. Exert your rights as his sole guardian, and make decisions for his best interest. Keep firm with your ex and tell him you are within your rights as his mother to refuse his request to see your son. If he really wants to be a part of his life, he can wait 5 years when your son is 18.
I know it's very hard, believe me, I understand. Especially since your son is at a vulnerable age. But I can see that you love your son and so does your husband, and that is what he will need to carry him through. Bringing him to your ex will open up a pandora's box that your son might not be ready for.
I think your right to have concerns about your sons safety...I am not sure I would allow him to even speak to my child but I can definetly tell you I would never let him have unaccompanied access.
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
Unfortunately our jail system all too often brutalizes people rather then rehabilitates them. I'm sure his family WANTS to believe he is a new man but the odds are against him.
Unfortunately you don't get do overs where children are concerned. I applaud your dedication and love for your child, you are a great Mother.
I am also in agreement with all that everyone else here has said...
I would NOT let your son be the one who "decides" -- It's just too volitile of a situation for any child to be in. I would strongly recommend that IF you decide to let his father visit with him, that you obtain a court order specifying that the visits MUST BE mediated by an outside, third party individual and that the meetings take place on neutral ground. (Meaning not at his residence, and not at yours.) I suspect that the courts would "side with safety" on this issue, as the child's father has: A) a clearly documented history of violence; B) has been abusive towards you/your son in the past; C) has been absent from the child's life for a very extended period of time. While there are some, (and I emphasize "some") individual's who come out of prison better off than they went in, sadly, they are in the minority, and typically (and statistically) the opposite seems to bear truth...
I clearly think you have the "upper hand" (and therefore, control) in this situation. Your son has consistently lived with you. been supported by you, and as his mother, the court would lend an open ear to you in this situation.
I applaud you! You clearly are someone who possesses strength and courage, and no question that contributes towards making you a wonderful mother!
I had my daughter at 30, I have always been a single parent. I don't believe I would have been able to accomplish what you have been able to do. Live on your own, go to school, work and raise a child AND remain married to the same man for this long?
WOW.
Trust your own instincts and the love your son has for you.
Wow, you are amazing, all you've done for your child! Don't let this evil influence back into your life. Continue to protect your family from this man, he is evil! Good luck!
I think your right to have concerns about your sons safety...I am not sure I would allow him to even speak to my child but I can definetly tell you I would never let him have unaccompanied access.
The first time his Bio dad tried to contact him I told him dont call here anymore and that if my son was going to have contact he would call him. I talked to my son openly about the conversation. He's told me he didnt want any contact in the past and never asked to talk to him after that. A month later his Granma calls. Since his Bio dad lives with her she put him on the phone and they had conversed without my knowledge. He told my son to get an ID so he can send him money. I don't like that. I really don't want his money at all. So I now feel like my son is caught in the middle and if I tell him no he will be upset with me. His bio dad has made threats to me about going to court to get visitation. Since his dad hasn't been in the picture and he dosnt need him for support, I think I will wait until my son is 18yrs to make that decision. If his Bio dad wants to take me to court then thats on him. Now, I just need to have that talk with my son. Thanks for all the support I really needed the opinions of people not involved before I made a decision.
much appreciation,
Missy
The first time his Bio dad tried to contact him I told him dont call here anymore and that if my son was going to have contact he would call him. I talked to my son openly about the conversation. He's told me he didnt want any contact in the past and never asked to talk to him after that. A month later his Granma calls. Since his Bio dad lives with her she put him on the phone and they had conversed without my knowledge. He told my son to get an ID so he can send him money. I don't like that. I really don't want his money at all. So I now feel like my son is caught in the middle and if I tell him no he will be upset with me. His bio dad has made threats to me about going to court to get visitation. Since his dad hasn't been in the picture and he dosnt need him for support, I think I will wait until my son is 18yrs to make that decision. If his Bio dad wants to take me to court then thats on him. Now, I just need to have that talk with my son. Thanks for all the support I really needed the opinions of people not involved before I made a decision.
much appreciation,
Missy
One weapon I know some women in your place have used, I would tell him...if you don't go away and leave us alone, I will go to court and get a judgement against you for 13 years of back child support...I am guessing his wishes to be a Dad will quickly go out the window. Make the agreement that he will go away and not bother you anymore and you won't go to court. I have a friend who even used this lever as a way to get the bio father to sign over his parental rights so her second husband could adopt the boys she had with her first. The second husband had been the one to raise them anyway.
Clearly you can't trust this guys family, I personally would change my phone number so they don't have it...I would find a way to take control of the situation because I would be affraid of the influence this man would be on my child.
When it comes to the safety and happiness of my child, I will play dirty, no question, I will do what it takes.
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