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While going for a very long walk today (I'm 79 now) I had time to think about a very disturbing film that I watch yesterday, "Manchester by the Sea", a very long and depressing film about PTSD although that term never appears in the film so I'll just say that several of the characters in the film carried deep, unresolved trauma or emotional pain & anger, which is never explained in that very dark and depressing film.
On my long walk, I recalled how I felt so stressed, frightened and depressed for most of my childhood and into my early 20s. I can now see how my parents, especially my dad, was a victim of PTSD due to a pretty bad childhood and, just like the angry and emotionally repressed character in the film I just mentioned, would BLOW UP from time to time whenever his bottled up, hidden and NEVER resolved trauma was triggered by something. Our mom also carried hidden, unresolved pain and sorrow but our dad was the most dangerous and disturbing person in my early life and MADE ME live in permanent, fear and STRESS the whole time he lived with us before he angrily packed his bags and drove away in our best car leaving us with the worst car when I was about 16-17!
I waited about a month after the MONSTER left us before I began to relax and feel like celebrating Independence Day now that the MONSTER was gone from our family!
In reviewing my experiences with our dad, for about the millionth time, I can now see that most if not all of my neurotic, nervous, bed-wetting, constantly dripping nose and spastic behaviors were DIRECTLY CONNECTED to the terror and violence expressed by our emotionally ILL dad from time to time. I rarely ever relaxed during his "happy" periods because I always knew another painful and terrifying OUTBURST was going to happen and it ALWAYS DID! The anxiety was UNBEARABLE!
The stress and anxiety of waiting for and fully expecting him to BLOW UP again & again & again, etc. had me in a permanent state of PTS.
Just like the PTSD character in that film, my dad was unpredictable and scary all because he was carrying a ton of buried, bottled up, explosive and DANGEROUSLY damaged feelings that he never found any relief from or resolution for and men back in those days DID NOT go to counselors for any reason! Our dad was the "strong-silent" type which really means: the emotionally damaged type! He kept his feelings STRONGLY buried and hidden inside and rarely spoke other than to criticize or curse. He would only become somewhat vulnerable and verbose if and when TRIGGERED and that would often lead to physical violence!
I guess that anyone watching the sad film I mentioned might see the lead character as "normal" but I could see a lot of hidden, unresolved and very explosive trauma in him and many of the other angry and unhappy characters in that film who looked and acted like a lot of very disturbed folks in my own family. What a damned shame that our culture does not and will not recognize this sickening disorder and offer people, like my dad, some means of RESOLVING their buried and repressed trauma!
Well, I'm not going the sad and sick way my dad or the characters in that film went!
I entered therapy at about 48 and have found considerable relief and resolution to the millions of damaged feelings I bottled up from about age 5 and continue to find and release those damaged feelings as much as possible rather than be a dangerous, walking land mine like my dad and the lead character in that very sad film.
Is or was there any PTSD in your family?
Trauma can passed on through the generations as long as no one takes step to address it.
I wouldn't say my parents had PTSD, but I very much relate to the anxiety you felt as a child. Even, as you say, during the happy parts of childhood I felt a sense of impending dread because I knew either of my parents' moods could shift on a dime and somehow it would be blamed on one of the kids. There was never any physical violence aimed at my brother and I, but the threat was always there- dad would punch holes in walls, slam his head against whatever he could find (a table, a hotel wall, the ceiling of the car while he was driving), and throw plates and glasses in my mom's general direction.
Both of my parents had at times tumultuous childhoods, and stories about my grandparents' childhoods show that theirs were also difficult. My parents both swore up and down that they would never treat my brother and I the way that they were treated, not at all realizing that's exactly what they were doing. I believe both of my parents have narcissistic personality disorder, and very obviously at least one of each of their parents was a narcissist themselves. They have come to accept their behavior as normal. Luckily, though it took far too long, my brother and I have recognized that it is not in fact normal.
My brother and I are determined that the generational curse of unresolved trauma ends with us. My parents didn't believe in therapy or counseling, so not only did they refuse to get help for themselves but they also punished my brother and I for acting out our anxiety in childhood (bed wetting, pulling out clumps of hair, panic attacks) rather than identify that something was amiss and seek aid. It wasn't until I was diagnosed with cancer after college that I got my anxiety addressed and it took my brother threatening suicide in college for him to get help.
Now, as adults, the healthiest thing we can do to stop the cycle of trauma is to cut our parents out of our lives. They even made the birth of my brother's daughter a traumatic event all around them, and as a result are now estranged. One of the stipulations for resuming contact and repairing the relationship was for them to seek counseling. Unfortunately, I think they are both so ingrained in their own thing that it will never happen.
Trauma can passed on through the generations as long as no one takes step to address it. Generally what could be PSTD is seen as just normal reactions to tough situations by many adults BUT uncalled for when kids act that way! It's know as a Double Standard amongst adults.
I wouldn't say my parents had PTSD, but I very much relate to the anxiety you felt as a child. Even, as you say, during the happy parts of childhood I felt a sense of impending dread because I knew either of my parents' moods could shift on a dime and somehow it would be blamed on one of the kids. There was never any physical violence aimed at my brother and I, but the threat was always there- dad would punch holes in walls, slam his head against whatever he could find (a table, a hotel wall, the ceiling of the car while he was driving), and throw plates and glasses in my mom's general direction.
Wow, that sure sounds like PTS to me. What was eating your dad? Just the threat of viloence was all it took for me to become EXTREMELY fearful and TENSE.
Both of my parents had at times tumultuous childhoods, and stories about my grandparents' childhoods show that theirs were also difficult. Well, there's one source of the family TRAUMA.
My parents both swore up and down that they would never treat my brother and I the way that they were treated, not at all realizing that's exactly what they were doing. It's called DENIAL (or Delusion) - a very common mental defense in many parents! I believe both of my parents have narcissistic personality disorder, and very obviously at least one of each of their parents was a narcissist themselves. They have come to accept their behavior as normal. Luckily, though it took far too long, my brother and I have recognized that it is not in fact normal. Call it what you will but it all boils down to unhappiness and PAIN which produces Stress which produces Selfishness or Narcissism, etc. The bottom line was that our parents were NOT happy and had no way to become happy so long as their inner pains and trauma were not resolved. I sincerely hope that you and your brother found a way to RELEASE the pain and trauma your parents inflicted upon you while you had no defenses.
My brother and I are determined that the generational curse of unresolved trauma ends with us. My parents didn't believe in therapy or counseling, so not only did they refuse to get help for themselves but they also punished my brother and I for acting out our anxiety in childhood (bed wetting, pulling out clumps of hair, panic attacks) rather than identify that something was amiss and seek aid. It wasn't until I was diagnosed with cancer after college that I got my anxiety addressed and it took my brother threatening suicide in college for him to get help. OMG, you kids were EXTREMELY damaged! I am so proud of you for deciding to end the generational curse of passed on pain and self contempt that you parents dumped onto both of you. My siblings have never and may never come to grips with what our parents did to us.
Now, as adults, the healthiest thing we can do to stop the cycle of trauma is to cut our parents out of our lives. They even made the birth of my brother's daughter a traumatic event all around them, and as a result are now estranged. One of the stipulations for resuming contact and repairing the relationship was for them to seek counseling. Unfortunately, I think they are both so ingrained in their own thing that it will never happen.
Not sure what generation your parents came from (1930s, '40s, '50s?) but mine were from the '30s and counseling would have NEVER HAPPENED for them - they were NORMAL!!! I agree that separation and avoidance is about all one can do to say away from the DISEASE of unresolved pain that many folks only see as NORMAL in that generation. God bless you for doing whatever you can to STOP this disease or curse at your own door step.
Trauma is not only a very interesting topic, its also the new path of mental heath care. And even some physical health care.
We now know that infants can be born with something called "developmental trauma" if their mother was under extreme trauma or stress in pregnancy (her cortisol actually changes the structure of the baby's brain, esp their trauma areas!)
We know that infants to "remember" trauma. Maybe they cant tell you what happened, but their brain changes.
We know an abused child cant just be "made better", but has to go through a long process of healing the traumatized brain. It isn't about being good or bad...its about acceptance and understanding and walking a path with them towards healing.
Drug addiction and alcoholism are both now more often sited as a result of trauma then genes.
We also know new ways to treat it. More evidence is coming out how much of our physical and mental health is tied into trauma. And so on. But people seeing this and understanding it...it is what is going to bring about the help people need to recover.
I think both my parents had trauma as a background. While I can speculate what that was, I know how it effected them long term. My dad was a rage-o-holic and always seemed about to blow, like he was trying to hold on to a fire cracker until the very last second.
My mother was devious and child like behaviors to "get ahead" of what might hurt her, and to pay people back for when they did hurt her.
In fact, because they both had developmental trauma, many of their behaviors were childlike.
I got into therapy when my kids were little (because I knew I wasn't managing and parenting the way I wanted to) and ended up being treated for severe PTSD due to my own childhood, and having parents like mine. I also know it stems back to attachment, and is likely a long line of poorly attached children. While I have improved it as a parent, I didn't wipe it all out. We have struggles.
Another thing that can cause people to suddenly and unpredictably "blow" is undiagnosed food allergies, most commonly--celiac disease, and an allergy to anything fermented (yeast, alcohol, etc.) Sometimes this combines with personalities who are carrying unresolved stress from childhood, so it's hard to separate the different causative elements. I just thought I'd mention that.
Just like the PTSD character in that film, my dad was unpredictable and scary all because he was carrying a ton of buried, bottled up, explosive and DANGEROUSLY damaged feelings that he never found any relief from or resolution for and men back in those days DID NOT go to counselors for any reason! Our dad was the "strong-silent" type which really means: the emotionally damaged type! He kept his feelings STRONGLY buried and hidden inside and rarely spoke other than to criticize or curse. He would only become somewhat vulnerable and verbose if and when TRIGGERED and that would often lead to physical violence!
Counselors back then didn't know about trauma and how to resolve it. It wasn't until after the Vietnam War that the first effective treatment for PTSD was developed, but the psychiatric association (equivalent of the AMA) discredited it, in spite of the spectacular results that Vietnam vets were getting from it. It took another 30 years or so for it to become accepted and go more mainstream.
And much more research has been done relating to trauma since then, too. It's too bad it's taken so long for trauma therapy to evolve, because it seems that trauma is much more common than anyone thought; truly a part of the human condition. People can experience trauma in the womb or during the birth process, even if they're born to a stable, loving family. There can be medical trauma in infancy or toddlerhood. It can enter our lives any which-way.
I think trauma is a fascinating field, and holds much promise for providing healing and getting people on track for more productive lives and an improved sense of well-being.
My father lost both his feet/legs below the knee in WWII. He definitely had PTSD. Didn't have outbursts or anger, although my mother said he did when she met him and they were first married--mostly he was a quiet, pleasant, smiling man. He would just go somewhere else many times, staring into space as if he wasn't aware of his surroundings.
My father lost both his feet/legs below the knee in WWII. He definitely had PTSD. Didn't have outbursts or anger, although my mother said he did when she met him and they were first married--mostly he was a quiet, pleasant, smiling man. He would just go somewhere else many times, staring into space as if he wasn't aware of his surroundings.
Thats exactly what I do too. My PTSD isn't from child abuse either; I had a happy childhood.
I was diagnosed a few years after my daughter died in 1994. Although an entire 3 month block of time was affected by traumatic amnesia; I remember the exact moment I dissasociated. It was almost audible ... like the sound a huge tapestery might make when ripped in two.
I remember my CPR wasn't working but I couldn't stop. I wouldn't stop. I wasn't even aware the paramedics were there & it took about 3 firemen to pry her away from me.
I remember someone holding me against a wall. It was a woman & her face was only about 3 inches away from mine but her voice started sounding far away. I got tunnel vision too. It was like I had started stepping backwards, outside of myself & I could see everything like in a panoramic view.
The light faded, the sounds faded & it felt like I stepped to the left to run. Thats when I heard that weird ripping sound.
After that the womans voice got louder & it felt like I "fit" back into myself. Like a puzzle piece that has a bent side. It still fits but it does not snap in ... I was instantly aware that part of me wasn't there anymore.
Sometimes I think part of me left to find her.
When I get triggered I don't get loud or scream. I get nervous. And quiet. It's almost like a paralysis; I will hold my toes stiff until my feet cramp, stare straight ahead until my neck hurts ... my limbs start tingling too.
I have had a temper problem that only happens in the morning around that time of the month that in the past earned me the nickname of "Momzilla" but it's not related to PTSD & is responding well to surgery/BC pills.
Thank you for creating this post to bring awareness to the different effects it has on families or endearing members.
I have PTSD.
This post brings a sense of gratitude to my family for NOT disowning me or thinking Less of my being . I carry the burden of this condition and at times when its on the flashback zone, I have family that walks me thru it.
Anxiety is the residue of this condition. Its a repeat condition of walking thru "H" , and for those around to witness it, we are not "narcissistic", we are surviving this anguish with the skin of our teeth some days.
Think self preservation.
I "get" how it can appear from the outside, and you are welcome any given day to walk in the shoes of us recipients. We'd love to have your calm life. Truly we would.
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