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I've never had much of an itch to have kids and start a family. I'm introverted and can't deny that I relish time alone to read, write, work out, and do other things as I please.
I got married earlier this year to my girlfriend of 9 years. A few years ago, she was very gung-ho about having two kids. But I feel I have opened her eyes to several things the last couple of years that have made her think twice:
- We are both very low-maintenance people
- We like our free time to sleep in, watch movies, and go out whenever and wherever we like
- I have never been a baby lover, nor do I have much experience taking care of or dealing with kids
-Sometimes I feel I want to contribute to society in different ways, like helping animals, the poor, etc (which many parents lack the time and money to do)
- She has a very stressful job and certain health issues (thyroid, tiredness, etc) that may impact how much time and effort she can put into parenting, especially on weeknights
-She is overweight (thyroid) and has high blood pressure, which can make hers a high-risk pregnancy. I worry about that a lot.
Now she knows she can only hope for 1 child, at most.
But I am still unsure as to whether I want to have even one.
I am one to shy away from big, life-changing decisions. I like to think through my decisions very carefully.
I am torn because I do have times where I feel I would want to have a daughter (daddy's little girl) whom I can raise and love. I know there's no telling what the baby's gender will be, but I would prefer to have a girl. The people who have made the biggest impact on my life (mom, grandma, aunt, sisters) have all been women, so I see this as paying it forward.
I also feel bad because I don't want to deprive my wife of the joys of motherhood. I almost want to have a kid to just please her, but I know that having a kid just to appease your spouse would certainly be ill-advised.
My biggest fear is that having a kid is going to change the simple and hassle-free life I have come to love. And once you have a kid, the decision is irreversible.
My biggest fear is that having a kid is going to change the simple and hassle-free life I have come to love. And once you have a kid, the decision is irreversible.
What are your thoughts and experiences?
Thanks in advance.[/quote]
Your life definitely won't be simple and hassle-free once you throw a child into the mix. Not at all. Never ever again. But I think when you are a parent and you love your child so much you don't view your kid as a "hassle".
I remember pre kids my husband and I used to fight over who was going to do the dishes. Now we both beg to be the one to clean up the kitchen because it is a lot easier than "bath time".
I have always wanted kids though and we have 3. Wouldn't change it for the world and never, ever have regrets but even before having kids I knew I wouldn't have regrets. I WOULD have regrets if we didn't have kids.
I was talking with a friend of mine who is married with no kids. She sleeps in until 9 am, maybe 10 am on the weekends and constantly talks to me about it. Then she stops herself, "oh, I guess I shouldn't say that to you because I know you never get to sleep in." Yes, that is correct. I have not slept in for over 10 years and even on days when I possibly could sleep past 7:30 am or 8 am I just can't do it but I don't really feel like I'm missing anything or my life is worse for that reason!
I think either you know you want them or you don't. A lot of people who don't want them might end up having them by accident and then they can't imagine their lives any other way.
If you have doubts, don't have children. Don't let society pressure you into it. Parenting is extremely difficult. I don't regret that I did it, but I fully support anyone who choses not to have children. It makes me sick when people pressure and say that you'll be missing out on X, Y, Z. Many of those posts will be in this thread of the next coming days. Since you and your wife dated for 9 years before marrying, it's a shame you didn't resolve this issue before marriage. Her feelings do matter, but remember that your feelings matter too. Having children is the biggest life changing decision anyone can ever make, and I don't think many people give it much thought whatsoever.
I'd say one of the biggest factors here is that your lady DOES want a child. If you deny her this it she will always feel bad about it, imo. I guess you really need to think through whether you want to be with her first. If you do, then I think you should have a child with her.
It's fascinating to me that people still choose to marry when they have different wants when it comes to having children or not. To me, this is the biggest consideration -- aside from your relationship itself -- when considering marriage. It is decidedly NOT an 'ohhh, we'll figure it out later' kind of thing.
I'd say one of the biggest factors here is that your lady DOES want a child. If you deny her this it she will always feel bad about it, imo. I guess you really need to think through whether you want to be with her first. If you do, then I think you should have a child with her.
What's worse? Wanting a child and not having it or not wanting a child and having it? Think of the child being born by someone who doesn't want children. I'd think any responsible person wanting a child would want it have it with a partner who does---not for the partner's sake but for the child's sake.
Someone wanting a child shouldn't override someone not wanting a child because it's not just about those two people. There will be a child! A child shouldn't be purposely conceived with a parent who isn't interested. People can say he can change and it will be the best thing that ever happened and he won't regret it, but there are no guarantees that's how he'll feel later. Then the child could have a parent who is aloof, irritable, doesn't have time, is absent, etc.. Sure it could all work out great, but there's a big uncertainty. Children deserve more.
I've never had much of an itch to have kids and start a family. I'm introverted and can't deny that I relish time alone to read, write, work out, and do other things as I please.
I am torn because I do have times where I feel I would want to have a daughter (daddy's little girl) whom I can raise and love. I know there's no telling what the baby's gender will be, but I would prefer to have a girl. The people who have made the biggest impact on my life (mom, grandma, aunt, sisters) have all been women, so I see this as paying it forward.
Remember, a son might carry on the family name and may be lower-maintenence than a daughter. So there are positives even if you don't hit the gender jackpot.
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I also feel bad because I don't want to deprive my wife of the joys of motherhood. I almost want to have a kid to just please her, but I know that having a kid just to appease your spouse would certainly be ill-advised.
My biggest fear is that having a kid is going to change the simple and hassle-free life I have come to love. And once you have a kid, the decision is irreversible.
It certainly will, but change is not always bad. Try to think about the future, how you will feel in 20 years, and again, how you will feel when you're 80. Do you really want to keep living the same life you have right now, without any significant changes, until you die? If you are THAT happy with how things are, then a kid is probably not for you because you might resent it taking away your peaceful life, as you fear.
Quote:
What are your thoughts and experiences?
You are mortal. You are going to die and be forgotten. Even if you're the CEO of a major corporation, even if you save 30 people's lives through your proposed volunteer work, the best legacy you can hope for is maybe a building named after you or but more likely you're legacy is going to be a gravestone that is readable for a century or two, and maybe a park bench somewhere that will bear a plaque on it that lasts less time than you lived.
The only lasting legacy you can leave is your genetics, same as for the earliest caveman. People like to pretend this isn't true, or that it doesn't matter, but it is the primary reason to go through all the hassel of having and raising kids. Furthermore, having children is a public service in itself. Without kids, society collapses. All art, science, kindness, love--all the positives and negatives of humanity--cease.
That said, kids are a major hassel, don't fool yourself. You may or may not love them so much that you don't care, or don't even feel it's a problem.
Take your worst-case scenario: You have a kid, and you feel like it's more work than joy, raising them. You miss out on some activities that you might have gotten to do without the burden of child-rearing. When you're on your death bed, are you going to look back and wish you'd gotten to play those video games, climb that mountain, make that extra money? Or, if you don't have a kid, are you going to look back and wish you had left more of a legacy than turning the crank a few more times? That's the question you need to answer. Good luck.
Having a kid definitely interferes with a simple, hassle-free life. There are rewards to it though...I really feel like having kids has helped me grow as a person. I am more patient and focused than I ever was before. Kids do get to an age where they're less work though...I think the first three years are the worst, then it gets easier. By the time they're 12, you can almost forget you've got them as long as they have wifi and frozen burritos...they try to avoid you as much as they can, and asking you for things would require them to speak to you more than one syllable. (One day my daughter will grow out of this, I'm sure).
As far as your wife's weight and high risk pregnancy, that's very likely, especially since she already has high blood pressure. Even with insurance, the medical care for a high risk pregnancy can get pretty expensive...I weighed 260 when I got pregnant and I didn't have high blood pressure, but it went up during the pregnancy. At the end of my first pregnancy, I was going to the doctor three times a week and having tests run every visit. Then I had a C-section, 6 days in the hospital, and my daughter was in NICU for 10 days. That can all really add up. So if your wife is younger, it would be a really good idea to lose some weight before the pregnancy to make it easier on her body and hopefully easier on your finances. If she's in her 30's, it might just be time to go for it if she's going to...fertility decreases as we age, being overweight can make it harder to get pregnant and stay pregnant, and a lot of fertility specialists won't treat women who are significantly overweight.
I'd say one of the biggest factors here is that your lady DOES want a child. If you deny her this it she will always feel bad about it, imo. I guess you really need to think through whether you want to be with her first. If you do, then I think you should have a child with her.
She wants to, but I think she's accepted that I have my reservations and prefers that I be upfront about it than agree to have a kid and later regret my decision.
fwiw, I know many, many people who don't really love babies but who love their own kids. The baby phase is tough, but it's also relatively short. So I don't think that needs to be too high up on the list of reasons not to have a kid.
One thing I am curious though - what did you tell your "gung-ho to have kids" wife about your feelings before you got married? Did you tell her at that point that you were ambivalent at most about having kids? Or did she get married to someone she thought was on the same page as she was about wanting to have a family?
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