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I agree Ivory. The problem is that most parents want to manage the lives of their children until they are 18 and give them everything they can, then think they are prepared to face the world and make good decisions, or they just want to continue managing their lives into their twenties. It doesn't happen that way.
Kids need to begin managing their own lives early on, being given responsibilities from an early age, then more as they grow. Survival responsibilities (cooking, cleaning, managing money, time management, etc.). Unless that happens, by the time they should be moving out on their own, they have no idea of how to do it.
Out of everybody I graduated from high school with, I can't think of even one who just stayed at home. They either moved out and went to college, went into the armed forces, or got married, got a job and rented their own place. But back then, kids were raised knowing how to take care of themselves and their business. Back then, it was EXPECTED that kids move out when they became of age.
These days, parents just don't allow their kids to grow up, then they get frustrated and complain that they haven't (grown up).
ITA. It's like parents, today, think something magical happens at 18. Suddenly, that child they've sheltered from every bump in life is supposed to be all grown up. It's a process. You have to start giving them some slack early on. You have to let them learn from their mistakes.
I teach high school and the number of parents who come running in blaming everything but their child for their child's failure is mind boggling. I feel bad for these kids. Life is going to hit them right in the face once they're out on their own and they will not know how to deal with it because they've had no practice.
Some of the conversations I've had with parents are amazing. I once had a parent call me complaining about a grade on a major project that she insisted was an A (I gave it a C). During the course of the conversation, she became more and more agitated and started talking about how much work SHE had put into that project. Her daughter didn't even do the project. SHE did. Now what does that teach an 11th grader?
I often puzzle about how we got this way. When did parenting stop being about preparing children for real life and start becomming about protecting egos and making sure all children are winners? I was never the winner as a child. I learned to try my best, accept that others may be better than me in spite of trying my best and how to lose graciously. If I'd been protected from that, all it would have done is given me a big ego.
My daughter is the type that wants to help everybody. Although, it's a nice gesture, it gets her in trouble. She ends up worrying about everybody else and it runs her down and pulls her back.
I've tried to talk to her about it but she gets upset. I've told her it's fine to help others but you need to take care of yourself first. She's always worrying how her friends are going to get to work, school, doctor or wherever. I guess it's just her personality.
I was the same way. Granted, I never took care of anyone to the absolute detriment of paying my own bills, but I was always taking in "strays" and willing to help anyone.
As a result, my relationships were with losers until my late 20s. They were losers in different ways---the uneducated guy I knew as a teen, the successful engineer who had a drinking problem, etc. I was ALWAYS the responsible one in the relationships---always taking care of people, always rescuing.
That was my personality as a young child too. I remember my mother telling me that my best and worst quality was that I would give the shirt off of my back to anyone. That's true. That was me.
What changed me? Having my first child! Hopefully, your daughter will have the sense to realize that a child is top priority and comes before anyone else. Hopefully, she'll realize that she can't help others to detriment of her children.
It's one thing to selflessly sacrifice yourself for others. It's an entirely different thing to sacrifice children. I think that's a fine line for some people with rescue personalities. There are plenty of women who stay with losers to the detriment of their children. Let's hope your daughter doesn't end up being one of those women.
I think the advice you were given to not help bail her out financially is excellent advice. Since my parents weren't bailing me out financially when I was rescuing losers, I only rescued within my financial means. And that might be a big reason why I wised up when I became pregnant. If I had always counted on my parents helping me out, I might have not had a wake up call. I might have stayed with a loser to the detriment of my children.
I'm all for financially helping adult children out with big things like paying for college or huge life disasters, but you are financially helping your daughter with unimportant things.
ITA. It's like parents, today, think something magical happens at 18. Suddenly, that child they've sheltered from every bump in life is supposed to be all grown up. It's a process. You have to start giving them some slack early on. You have to let them learn from their mistakes.
I often puzzle about how we got this way. When did parenting stop being about preparing children for real life and start becomming about protecting egos and making sure all children are winners? I was never the winner as a child. I learned to try my best, accept that others may be better than me in spite of trying my best and how to lose graciously. If I'd been protected from that, all it would have done is given me a big ego.
This is how...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes
What changed me? Having my first child! Hopefully, your daughter will have the sense to realize that a child is top priority and comes before anyone else.
I told my kids the same thing my dad told me..... It's time for you to figure out a way to make it on your own. I certainly don't want to rob you from the great feeling that comes from self accomplishment.
He moved my stuff in the garage and gave me $1000 dollars to find my own place. I was 18. It was the last time I lived at home.
He wasn't a mean dad. He was serious about me growing up and taking responsibility. And I did.
You have misrepresented my overall post by taking that one sentence out of context.
My overall post did NOT remotely imply that making a child a top priority meant not preparing a child for independence.
In fact, the overall message in my post was the exact opposite when you consider my advice to the OP and what I shared about my parents.
If you want to make a point, please do so without misrepresenting posts as a jumping off point.
No, I didn't. You are assuming she will have children and the children will make her take responsibility. That's a very bad reason to have children. Besides, maybe she would rather wait until she's in her 30's to have kids, or opt to not have any at all.
As for the bolded in your quote: Making kids think that they are the most important people and no one should ever be put before them only makes them grow up to be so pitifully self centered.
All kids should understand that they are not always the only people who matter. Sometimes others have to come first, even in their parent's lives.
Sounds like HIS mother is the only smart one of the bunch.
If you're going to continue to pay for his shinanegans, don't complain. Your daughter is making a choice to stay with him. She is not obligated to at all. IT'S HER CHOICE. YOU are making the choice to enable both of them.
Either put your foot down, or don't complain about it.
True. All the rest sound like enablers. The girlfriends' parents are providing him with free and maintained transportation and that isn't helping the situation.
there is a saying in germany..tell me ,who you hang around with,then i can tell you,who you are!!!(not the right translation maybe but i tried).....how can you let your daughter hang around with such a looser??why do not stop it immediatelly??
Ah, yes, because surely there are no idiots in Germany. Everyone there is living up to their full potential, not taking advantage of their boyfriends/girlfriends, not living with their parents. You and the other posters who turn these threads into "America sucks" really need to get a life. Seriously.
To the OP...
Sounds like your daughter either has very limited experiences in the dating department or she has very low self esteem. A girl who values herself won't let someone else drag her down and take her away from her dreams. A girl who values herself doesn't let someone take advantage of her kindness while allowing them to contribute nothing to the relationship. If she had more experience in the dating pool, she'd realize that there are tons of guys who actually DO graduate from school (heck, even college!), pay their own bills, treat their girlfriends well. It's possible that she doesn't think she's good enough for anyone else and that she's settling. Confident women would rather die alone in a house full of cats than live with a moocher who doesn't even try to live up to his potential. Bad things happen, people lose jobs, but if her relationship hasn't even hit a rocky path and she already can't get her boyfriend off the couch? Things aren't looking up anytime soon.
Have you ever heard of the saying "Crabs in a Box"? You can put dozens of crabs in a box together and they'll never escape. Singly, the crabs could easily escape, but instead, they grab at each other and bring each other back into the box which prevents any from escaping and ensures their collective demise. The analogy in humans is that they will attempt to "pull down" any member who achieves success beyond the others, out of jealousy or competitive feelings. Your daughter is the crab trying to get out and her boyfriend will do whatever he can (claiming he needs to use the car, use the cell phone, etc) to keep her down. I'll bet he invents "crises" when she has a lot of homework to do or when she's studying for a big test. She needs to get the heck out of the box and find her own way.
You're in a sticky situation because she is 19...no longer a child who "will learn eventually." If she decides to get serious with this loser, she CAN get married (God help you) or get pregnant. I would try to get to the heart of the matter. Find out why "Mr. Wonderful" is so irreplaceable and worth the hours and hours she is spending rescuing him. Find out why she would want to succeed only to have to take care of someone who is perfectly capable, but unwilling to take care of himself. What about long term? She's going to school to become a professional. Does she see children in her future? Who's going to take care of them? Does she think he's going to "grow up eventually"? When will that be? After she has spent too many years waiting for him to grow up and she finally just decides to settle and live a mediocre (if she's lucky) life?
No, I didn't. You are assuming she will have children and the children will make her take responsibility. That's a very bad reason to have children. Besides, maybe she would rather wait until she's in her 30's to have kids, or opt to not have any at all.
You're blowing my mind. I merely said I hoped she didn't end up being one of those women who made unhealthy decisions after having children. That doesn't mean I am assuming she will have children. Afterall, she won't end up being one of those women if she never has children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoExcuses
As for the bolded in your quote: Making kids think that they are the most important people and no one should ever be put before them only makes them grow up to be so pitifully self centered.
It's entirely possible to make children a top priority without them thinking they are the most important people. Goodness, the context of my comment was in regards to making foolish decisions by having relationships with losers. A parent most certainly should chose children over that type of stupid decision. Doing so doesn't make the children feel like they are most important. Those decisions can easily be made without the children even knowing the reason the parent makes the decision.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoExcuses
All kids should understand that they are not always the only people who matter. Sometimes others have to come first, even in their parent's lives.
This seems to be a huge issue with you throughout many threads here.
Just exactly what problem you have with children, I don't know. But I hope you find peace with it someday.
What changed me? Having my first child! Hopefully, your daughter will have the sense to realize that a child is top priority and comes before anyone else. Hopefully, she'll realize that she can't help others to detriment of her children.
It's one thing to selflessly sacrifice yourself for others. It's an entirely different thing to sacrifice children. I think that's a fine line for some people with rescue personalities. There are plenty of women who stay with losers to the detriment of their children. Let's hope your daughter doesn't end up being one of those women.
I happen to think it's more out of neediness than a 'rescue personality', but maybe that's just me. Anyway, the above IS your quote.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes
You're blowing my mind. I merely said I hoped she didn't end up being one of those women who made unhealthy decisions after having children. That doesn't mean I am assuming she will have children. Afterall, she won't end up being one of those women if she never has children.
It's entirely possible to make children a top priority without them thinking they are the most important people. Goodness, the context of my comment was in regards to making foolish decisions by having relationships with losers. A parent most certainly should chose children over that type of stupid decision. Doing so doesn't make the children feel like they are most important. Those decisions can easily be made without the children even knowing the reason the parent makes the decision.
This seems to be a huge issue with you throughout many threads here.
Just exactly what problem you have with children, I don't know. But I hope you find peace with it someday.
You and I seem to rub each other the wrong way. Please try to find a way to feel secure enough in your own world so you don't have to continually feel defensive when someone disagrees with you.
Children are not an issue here. The young woman is not pregnant, she simply enables her boyfriend and the mother helps her with the enabling.
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It's a process. You have to start giving them some slack early on. You have to let them learn from their mistakes. 
