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My parents paid for my undergrad degree, and I left home after that. No cars or anything else, paid for wedding ourselves, not even a crockpot as a housewarming gift.
After 2 years when my job situation improved/stabilized, parents started asking for contributions for them + grandparents + uncle. (My grandfather and father both did not like to work, so each generation had been hard-pressed to prepare for any sort of retirement). For the past 10 years I'd been giving my family financial support, now amounting to about 20% of my after tax income.
This is going to make me sound like some sort of ingrate but I HATE doing it because it is impacting my husband and my ability to save for OURSELVES. But
1) Both mom and grandma scrimped to provide for the families they had with men who would not work and as a result have little for themselves.
2) Although they are not living in poverty, help from my siblings and I pays for frills like eating out, worrying less about medical cost, bigger TV with cable, vacationing occasionally, etc.
3) Apparently one of my cousins, who was wildly successful, has provided my aunt with a 100K/year allowance and my mother feels hurt or ashamed that all 3 of us combined couldn't do that for her?! She brings up my successful cousin and how happy my aunt is a lot.
4) If I don't give her money for a trip she never visits me, ever. She says she can't afford it, but she would take little vacations elsewhere before flying to the NE. That is quite hurtful actually. But
5) It is hard to say no to one's mother.
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I think my mother would have wanted to help me and siblings more if she could have, but she just couldn't. However, she now wants to be repaid in a way, for her "investment" - raising us for 18 years + helping pay for college (total college costs more than repaid years ago btw).
I don't need parents who are willing to help me financially now in my 30s. I just wish I had parents who did not keep asking for money from me.
-Paid for in-state undergrad degree.
- Lent me $40k for a downpayment on my home @ 2% interest that I paid back within 2 years.
- My wife's parents paid for our wedding.
- I was on my mom's cell phone plan during undergrad and grad school, so I only had to pay the $20/month my phone line cost.
They definitely helped us out a lot and we greatly appreciate it, but it's not like they gave us a downpayment, paid for our home, paid for a fancy undergrad and grad school, or anything like that.
My parents were financially in a position to be very generous to my sister and I.
Let me think if I can count the ways:
1. I had a full ride scholarship, but my parents paid for my on campus housing in years 2-4 of college (had another scholarship that covered the first year's housing). I worked summers and Christmas break, which made me enough to pay for my own food, books and incidentals. Probably $5000 out of their pocket.
2. Parents loaned me a family car in high school, and then cosigned for my first car of my own (which I'm still driving 18 years later) and made the payments until I graduated college (3 years later), at which time I took over. Probably $10k out of their pocket.
3. Parents paid for my very cheap, small backyard wedding, maybe $3000.
4. Parents, who are builders, built my house, and gifted their entire profit to me for down payment. Nothing out of their pocket, just their time and expertise.
So all told, they gave me about $18k to get me started. Somewhere in the similar ballpark for my sister, as they did all the same things with her.
P.S. This is the Retirement Forum. I think a lot of posters in this thread aren't anywhere near retired (especially those with young children). If you're > 65 and still supporting your kids - Houston - you have a problem. Even if you're 45 and still supporting your children - you probably have a problem too.
Why would you think that? I know a lot of people who didn't have kids until their 30s. My sister is 31 and just had her first. So at 45, her twins will be 14. Apparently you think she should have already kicked them out of the house at 14, and no longer be supporting them. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you are just bad at math.
Huh.
It would never occur to me to give my kids down payment $ for house.
They have 529s.
My parents paid for my room/board in college (I had a natl merit scholarship) and gave me a place to live during med school (I took loans for tuition and housesat for them while they were out of the country all four years).
After that, I was pretty much on my own $-wise during residency and afterwards. But money between us all is free-flowing and there doesn't seem to be a boundary on mine/yours/etc. They freely give whatever as do we.
My parents paid for my undergrad degree, and I left home after that. No cars or anything else, paid for wedding ourselves, not even a crockpot as a housewarming gift.
After 2 years when my job situation improved/stabilized, parents started asking for contributions for them + grandparents + uncle. (My grandfather and father both did not like to work, so each generation had been hard-pressed to prepare for any sort of retirement). For the past 10 years I'd been giving my family financial support, now amounting to about 20% of my after tax income.
This is going to make me sound like some sort of ingrate but I HATE doing it because it is impacting my husband and my ability to save for OURSELVES. But
1) Both mom and grandma scrimped to provide for the families they had with men who would not work and as a result have little for themselves. 2) Although they are not living in poverty, help from my siblings and I pays for frills like eating out, worrying less about medical cost, bigger TV with cable, vacationing occasionally, etc.
3) Apparently one of my cousins, who was wildly successful, has provided my aunt with a 100K/year allowance and my mother feels hurt or ashamed that all 3 of us combined couldn't do that for her?! She brings up my successful cousin and how happy my aunt is a lot.
4) If I don't give her money for a trip she never visits me, ever. She says she can't afford it, but she would take little vacations elsewhere before flying to the NE. That is quite hurtful actually. But
5) It is hard to say no to one's mother.
-----------------------------
I think my mother would have wanted to help me and siblings more if she could have, but she just couldn't. However, she now wants to be repaid in a way, for her "investment" - raising us for 18 years + helping pay for college (total college costs more than repaid years ago btw).
I don't need parents who are willing to help me financially now in my 30s. I just wish I had parents who did not keep asking for money from me.
I hate to mention this, but if your parents need you and your siblings to pay for "frills" what is going to happen when they need really, big time money like for assisted living facilities or for a nursing home? Depending on the level of care that is $4,000 to $10,000 a month for eachparent.
How are they set for retirement? Are they counting on you and your siblings to continuing paying for their "extra" PLUS pay for their essentials (nursing home costs), too?
If you are in your 30s, your parents could be any age from their 50s to 70s. Are you prepared to continue paying all that money for the next 10 years? the next 20 years? the next 30 years?
What about your own family? What about your own retirement? What about saving to help your children's college expenses? My parents helped me with my college expenses and it was much,much smaller percentage of a typical middle class income than what it was when I helped my children. By the time that your children are in college I bet that it will be even more difficult for family to help their children pay for college.
Just a few things to think about.
BTW, If your mom really wants an allowance, perhaps, she should ask her "wildly successful" nephew for it.
Why would you think that? I know a lot of people who didn't have kids until their 30s. My sister is 31 and just had her first. So at 45, her twins will be 14. Apparently you think she should have already kicked them out of the house at 14, and no longer be supporting them. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you are just bad at math.
I know parents from 45 on up who are still supporting children who are in their 20's - 30's - and even their 40's. As I said elsewhere - I'm not talking about kicking teenagers out of the house - just older adult children (at least those who are adults chronologically - many are still acting like children well into middle age). Robyn
My kids are teens, but I plan on paying for their college educations, buying them each a car, and allowing them to move back home after college until they are settled in a career.
BTW, my parents did none of this for me which made my early adulthood very hard.
I only have toddlers, but I totally disagree with the aspect of providing teens and early 20's adults with free college, cars, and paying their expenses. It just seems to promote entitlement mentality.
When my kid comes to me and says they want a car, i'll say the same thing my dad did. "go get a job!".
I only have toddlers, but I totally disagree with the aspect of providing teens and early 20's adults with free college, cars, and paying their expenses. It just seems to promote entitlement mentality.
When my kid comes to me and says they want a car, i'll say the same thing my dad did. "go get a job!".
Worked out pretty good for me.
It depends on the parenting as well as the environment the child is raised in (friends, family, etc that the child is exposed to). If you've raised them with a good work ethic, and to be grateful for gifts, then that is how they will respond. If you've raised them thinking things should always be given to them, that is how they will respond.
As I said, my sister and I were both given a lot by our parents, and we both are very hard workers, who will always pay 100% of our bills on time without any entitlement programs.
So I guess what I'm saying is that the entitlement mentality doesn't start when the child is given a car. It starts when the child is given 30 gifts, each worth $100, for their 1st birthday, and it gets worse from there on. Or when the parents are on welfare themselves and teach the children by example, that someone else will take care of their needs, even if they never work a day in their lives.
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